Ryan dreams that he's drowning. In blood. Marissa's voice is calling to him but it's muffled and he can't swim out of the blood to reach her. He has to find her, he has to make sure she's not drowning with him…
"Ryan. Ryan, snap out of it…come on…please wake up…"
He doesn't recognize the voice but anything will be better than this so he follows it, struggling.
"Ryan!"
He snaps awake, his blue eyes wide with panic. He's sitting in the floor beside his bed and Seth is holding both his arms.
"Damn, man, you almost took me out," Seth says, breathless. Summer is standing beside them, worried.
"You were dreaming any you wouldn't wake up…you fell off the bed and you still wouldn't wake up…" Summer says.
"Sorry. I'm awake now. What time is it?" Ryan asks, covering his eyes to shield them from the bright sun.
"Five. You've been out for a while. Mom said you called a taxi for us last night?" Seth asks.
Ryan is slammed as the previous days' events come back to him. He loses his breath.
"Ryan, come on, man…"
"Just give me a few minutes, okay? I just need a few minutes…" Ryan gets to his feet and disappears into the bathroom.
"He's taking this so hard…oh god…Summer…" Seth stands up and embraces her.
"She was my best friend, Seth and now she's gone…I mean…I know I'm hurting…I feel like there's a part of me missing, but…Ryan…he's not even dealing with it…" Summer says, letting him hold her.
"Hey. He'll get through this. So will you. What did you say yesterday? Marissa wouldn't want us crying for her, she wasn't like that…" Seth says, calming the smaller girl.
Summer nods. "Thank you, Seth…I've treated you like ass for so long…Marissa…she always told me how great you were…but…you guys are really helping me out…"
"Don't worry about it, Summer…we've got to stick together…Ryan and I figured that out a long time ago…" Seth pauses. They listen to Ryan being sick.
"He didn't eat anything yesterday," Summer says, quietly.
"I'm going to go check on him, okay?"
"I'll come with you. I need to check on him, too…" Summer says, following him into the hallway.
"Ryan?" Seth calls, knocking on the door. There's no answer. Seth glances at Summer before trying the doorknob.
Ryan is standing in front of the sink. His eyes are glazed and it only takes a second for Seth to see why. The mirror is smashed. Ryan's hand is bleeding profusely and there are shards of glass in his hand.
"Ryan…Ryan, man, look at me…" Seth swings the door open completely and steps inside. He takes Ryan's wrists in his hands again and doesn't let him pull away. Ryan finally meets his eyes.
"Seth…I can't do this…don't make me do this…please…" Ryan pleads, his voice startling his friends with its emotion.
"I'm not making you do anything, Ryan, I just want you to calm down, okay?" Seth urges with a shaky voice. Summer comes to his side and examines Ryan's captive hand.
"I can't do this…" Ryan says, breathing shallowly. Summer impulsively pulls out several small shards of glass before Ryan can react. She holds out a washcloth and Seth wraps his friend's hand in it tightly.
"Ryan. It's Seth. I'm not making you do anything that you don't want to, okay? Look at me…" Seth forces himself to be stern. "Ryan, look at me!"
Ryan shakes his head, his eyes not focused on anything. "Its not…I can't…"
"Seth, he's hyperventilating," Summer realizes as Ryan continues to breathe fast.
"Go get Mom," Seth whispers and Summer bolts.
"I can't do it, Seth…I can't go on…I'm tired…I don't want to go on…please…" Ryan murmurs, trying to pull away from Seth. Seth holds his wrists tight, not letting him bolt from the conversation.
"What are you trying to tell me, Ryan? Huh? What?" Seth demands, getting a chill.
"…I can't do it…I can't just walk around like nothing happened…I can't…" Ryan pants, still struggling.
"Ryan. Please. Relax for me, okay…please…" Seth urges, running out of things to say since Ryan is only getting more upset.
Summer returns with Kirsten right behind her. Seth and Ryan don't notice them.
"Seth, I can't do this…I can't…I can't breathe…I can't bleed…it's like I'm dead…but I'm not…why aren't I dead…" Ryan stops struggling suddenly and leans against the wall, pale and still struggling to breathe.
"Let him go, Seth," Kirsten says quietly, walking in.
Seth steps back, stunned at Ryan's words. Summer pulls him from the bathroom into the hallway.
"God…" Seth says, too stunned to function. Summer forces him to sit down on the couch, taking his hands.
"Okay, now we're going to have a moment of silence and you're going to pull yourself together. Okay?" Summer says quietly. Seth looks at her, dumbfounded. "No, don't talk. Just be quiet."
Kirsten hands Ryan a paper bag. "Breathe into this…" She orders.
Ryan shakes his head, pushing himself into the corner. "No…I can't…"
She realizes that he isn't going to cooperate so she decides to take a different approach. She forces herself not to panic. She has to calm Ryan. She starts to talk to him soothingly. "Ryan? I need you to take a couple of deep breaths for me and then I'll leave you alone, okay? You're scaring Seth, you're scaring Summer and you're scaring me. I know you don't want us to worry about you but you have to breathe, alright? Slow, nice, easy breaths…" Kirsten coaxes.
Ryan's eyes are still unfocused but he has stopped struggling. She tilts his chin up so he can meet her gaze as his breathing returns to normal. "Ryan?"
Ryan blinks and finally seems to be lucid. "Mrs. Cohen?"
"Yeah, Ryan…you back with us?" She asks, relieved.
"Where did I go?" He asks, confused. He glances up and sees the mirror. "Oh."
"Ryan. Are you okay?" Kirsten asks, quietly, holding his bleeding hand.
"I…I'm flipping out…" He whispers. "I don't know…I don't know what to do…I had to do something…I can't look at myself in the mirror…and then the blood…" He mutters.
"Okay, Ryan, it's okay…" Kirsten says, helping him to his feet. "Can I look at your hand?"
Ryan nods slowly. He doesn't look at it while she examines his hand. She leans down and pulls a first aid kit from under the sink and starts to bandage it.
"Honey, I don't know what to do for you…" Kirsten admits, still wrapping his hand.
"I…I just keep seeing her face…" Ryan replies. "I can't get a handle on it…"
"Ryan, you have to relax, you're going to make yourself sick, okay? Now, I know it's hard, but you will get through this…Ryan. You will get through this," She insists.
He nods, his eyes distant and pained.
"Ryan, I want you to get some rest, okay? Anything you need…" She starts.
"I'm okay, now. I'm sorry for worrying you…" He says.
"Don't apologize to me, Ryan, this isn't your fault. I'm just sorry I can't do anything for you. I wish I could make this all go away…" Kirsten starts, embracing him.
"Me, too," Ryan replies, returning her hug. "Where's Seth and Summer? Did they see me freak out?"
"They're outside," Kirsten replies. "Come on. They're worried about you, too."
Summer and Seth are still holding hands when Ryan and Kirsten step out. Seth sighs, visibly relieved to see Ryan better.
"Hey," Ryan says quietly.
"You okay, Chino?" Summer asks.
"No. But I'm not freaking out at the moment," Ryan replies honestly.
"Goddammit, you scared the shit out of me…" Seth whispers.
"I'm sorry…I'm just having a hard time…this sucks…" Ryan starts.
"I'll be inside if you need me," Kirsten says as Ryan sits down beside Seth on the couch. She disappears.
"Sorry we had to get Mrs. Cohen out here," Summer apologizes. "But you were seriously freaking out. It was like you couldn't breathe."
Ryan is shaking. He holds out his hands in front of him. "I don't know what to do…if you guys have any ideas…I'm open…the whole drinking myself unconscious thing didn't work…"
Seth puts a hand on Ryan's shoulder. "Did you mean what you said in there?" He asks.
"What did I say?" Ryan asks, genuinely confused.
Seth hesitates.
"What did I say? I can tell it fucked you up because you're sitting here holding hands with Summer and it's not even phasing you," Ryan says.
"You said…you asked why weren't you dead…do you want to die? Without Marissa…can you go on, Ryan? 'Cause it's looking like you're getting a little close to the edge here and…" Seth starts.
Ryan is visibly affected. "I said that to you?"
"Yeah. Sort of. Ryan…I know you think you're dying but you're not. You're still alive…I need to know that you're going to go on living man…" Seth replies. Summer gasps.
"Yeah, Seth, yeah…I am…I'm trying…" Ryan whispers. "I just don't know if I can get through this…"
"You can. We're here for you, Ryan…" Summer leans across Seth and pulls Ryan into a desperate embrace. "It's going to be okay."
Ryan stands up suddenly, stricken. He goes to the table beside his bed and opens a drawer, spilling its contents on the carpet.
"I just saw her yesterday…I woke up in her arms right here…" Ryan says, crying softly. He falls to his knees beside the scattered items. "Here's the lip gloss she put on every morning…before she even brushed her teeth…and here's the bracelet she got from her best friend, Summer…" Ryan continues, picking up the trinket. "And I just saw her yesterday and…then…and now…"
Summer is crying but she manages to go to his side and embraces him tightly. "Oh baby…I didn't know…I'm so sorry…"
"She was just here…" Ryan sobs. "She can't be gone…"
"Shh…it's okay…" Summer soothes. "It's going to be okay…"
Summer continues to hold him, rocking him gently. Seth sits on the couch, too shocked to move. He didn't know that Ryan and Marissa were intimate. He'd noticed how close they were and everyone had noticed how much happier Ryan had been…but he didn't think that Marissa was that entwined in his life.
"Is it possible to cry yourself unconscious?" Summer asks after a long silence. Seth rushes to her side.