*****

"Hey. What you thinking about?" She whispered.

"You. How nice you fit in my arms."
"Stop it, you already got me into bed," She smiled. "But really. What are you thinking about?"

He glanced away.

"Come on," She whispered, nuzzling his neck.

"I'm thinking about how dangerous this is."

"What?"

"Being with you."

She sat up, startled.

"Because, when I think about how close I came to losing you…" He continued.

"Hey…you didn't lose me…"

"You're always too far away," He said, pulling her against him. "You belong here. With me."

"Stop being so mushy," She smiled. She kissed him softly.

"I mean it. I love you so much that it scares me. I don't want to hurt you."

"Baby, you won't hurt me. I'll always be right here…" She replied.

"Stay 'til I fall asleep?" He asked.

"Set the alarm. We'll get up early," She replied, kissing him.

*****

"Breathe. Just breathe…Ryan? Ryan, can you open your eyes? Just open those baby blues for me…"

Blurry. Why can't he see who's talking to him?

*****

He could smell the vanilla in her hair when she tackled him to the sand.

"Why won't you talk to me? Goddamn you, Ryan, it's like talking to a wall!"

"What do you want me to say? I'll say whatever you want…"

"Shut up! I want you to tell me the truth…just tell me something…don't make me wonder what you're thinking…" She cried. He could never take her tears.

*****

"Ryan," Seth's voice says quietly, close to his ear. "Please wake up," He urges.

"Seth, take Summer outside…" Kirsten's beside him.

Ryan blinks suddenly, gasping for breath. Blurry.

*****

"Hey, baby…I missed you…"

"Me, too…"

They kissed. He could taste the gum in her mouth as she looped her arms around his waist.

"Where's your dad?" He asked.

"He was politely asked to vacate the premises. It's a special night, remember?"

"Should I? We're not officially dating yet, so do we actually have anniversaries?" Ryan teased, his mouth finding her lips irresistible.

"Stop…this is serious. It's been three months since you saved me," She said, quietly.

Ryan released her, stepping back. "Since Tijuana?"

"Yeah. Since I lost my mind and found you," She smiled. "Don't make this a bad thing…"

"I can't believe you want to celebrate," Ryan replied, confused.

"I don't want to celebrate my breakdown, stupid," She laughed, pulling him to her and kissing him. "I want to celebrate my life. I got through the hardest time in my life and I want to celebrate it with you…"

"Oh…" He managed.

"Now you feel like celebrating…" She murmured.

*****

Ryan sits up with a gasp, pushing himself away from the arms that are holding him down. He's wet. Cold and wet.

"Good idea, Seth…" Summer says, holding an empty glass. Kirsten and Seth are beside him in the floor of the dining room.

"What?" Ryan gasps, panicked now.

"You freaked out again, Ryan…are you okay?" Seth asks, worried.

Ryan puts a hand to his head. "I don't know…I was throwing up and then…I just…I don't know what happened…"

"You passed the fuck out," Summer says, reaching between the Cohens and embracing him tightly. Surprisingly, he returns her hug, shaking.

"I can't…I can't pull myself together…what's happening to me…" Ryan mutters. Sandy steps in with a man dressed in a suit.

"Seth, Summer, let's leave Ryan for a little while, okay?" Kirsten urges gently. Seth and Summer step away from their friend as Sandy approaches.

"Ryan, this is Doctor Adam," Sandy says quietly.

"I don't need a doctor," Ryan whispers, his eyes flashing suddenly.

"You need something, Ryan if you're so sad that you stop breathing…" Summer says, suddenly. She rushes from the room.

"Shit…okay…whatever…" Ryan whispers.

"It's okay, son, I just want to talk to you, okay? Try and figure out what's happening to you…" The doctor says gently, approaching him and offering his hand to help him off the floor.

Ryan follows the doctor into the guestroom and sits down on the bed.

"Do you want us…" Kirsten begins.

"We should be okay. I'll call if I need you," The doctor smiles. He pulls a chair over so he is sitting across from Ryan.

"So. What's going on?"

"Apparently, I keep scaring the hell out of those people out there," Ryan mutters.

Doctor Adams shines a light in Ryan's eyes and then pulls out a thermometer.

"I'm not sick…" Ryan protests.

"Sickness does not always affect the body, Ryan. It seems to me that you are sick. Your soul is sick," He replies. "This last time when you blacked out…do you remember anything?"

"I…I had to throw up…I only ate a little bit of pizza, but it was too much…it's all too much…" Ryan's eyes glaze suddenly.

"Too much, Ryan, what do you mean?" The doctor asks, noticing that Ryan's breathing is getting shallower. He attaches a blood pressure cuff quickly.

"It's like I can't breathe…I got sick and then I couldn't breathe…"

"Okay, Ryan…calm down, okay? I want you to keep talking to me…" Doctor Adams urges.

"I mean…Marissa's dead…and every time I think I get a handle on it…I remember she's gone…and she's bleeding…" Ryan drops his eyes and shudders, trying to regain his composure.

"Ryan, I want you to listen to me, okay? You're having an anxiety attack, okay? Do you think you can get a handle on it?" Dr. Adams takes Ryan's wrists and tries to keep him from losing consciousness. "Take deep breaths and calm down. You can do it…"

Ryan struggles to catch his breath. The doctor watches as Ryan's eyes roll back slightly and he starts to go limp.

The doctor sighs and reaches into his bag and pulls out a syringe. He takes Ryan's arm and gingerly injects him with the medication. Ryan gasps and blinks, his blue eyes returning, startled.

"Ryan, I gave you something to calm you down. You're having panic attacks and they're causing you to hyperventilate. When you do that, your brain's not getting enough oxygen and you're body's compensating by making you unconscious…"

"What did you give me?" Ryan asks, holding a cotton ball over the small injection site.

"It's a sedative. A tranquilizer. I'm going to prescribe some medications for you to help you get through this, okay? They might make you feel a little fuzzy but you'll be more relaxed and less likely to hyperventilate, okay? It's going to help you relax…"

Ryan glances at the doctor, tilting his head. "So, you're going to help me by pumping me so full of drugs that I can't think straight?"

"I'll get Kirsten and Sandy for you…" Dr. Adams replies, quietly.

Ryan is stricken as the drug starts to take effect. He feels fluffy…disconnected…he feels like he's in a cushioned bubble. Huh. Not so bad.

"Ryan? Is he freaking out again?" Seth is the first one in the room, going to Ryan's side.

"No, I'm fine…" Ryan replies distantly.

"What did you do to him?" Seth demands, looking at the doctor, accusingly.

"He's having panic attacks. Anxiety attacks that are so strong that he's hyperventilating. I gave him an injection…"
"Ryan doesn't like drugs…" Summer says, breaking into the room between Sandy and Kirsten. "Marissa said he wouldn't even take aspirin for a headache…" She continues, kneeling beside him at the bed. "You shouldn't have done this…" Summer takes one of his arms and Seth takes the other. They ignore Sandy and Kirsten and lead Ryan obediently from the room into the den.

"Ryan? You okay?"

"Yeah…I think so…just really tired…" Ryan murmurs, his eyelids drooping.

"I don't think he should be in the pool house anymore," Summer whispers to Seth as they let Ryan sit down on the couch. "Not if it's going to remind him of Marissa…"

"Everything's going to remind him of Marissa…" Seth replies.

Ryan is staring blankly at the floor.

"There has to be something we can do…Seth…" Summer says.

"I'm open to suggestions…" Seth replies, putting an arm around her. They watch Ryan.