*****

"Ryan…Ryan, are you in here?"

"Marissa, what are you doing here? It's like…It's three am…"Ryan sat up in bed and squinted his eyes to try and see her in the darkened pool house.

"I had to see you…"

"What's wrong? Why are you crying?" He called, reaching for her.

"Oh god…I saw Luke…and Holly…and all that shit…it just came smashing into me again…how stupid I am…how much time I wasted…" She climbed into bed and accepted his arms around her.

"Shh…you're not stupid…hey…" Ryan took her face in his hands and tilted it so she could see his eyes. "We've talked about this. You loved Luke. Love is never wasted…"

"Ryan…he doesn't even love her, he waited until she was gone and he started hitting on me…he wanted me to give him another chance…" She cried.

Ryan stiffened.

"So I snapped…I cussed him out…slapped him just for asking…"

"I must be rubbing off on you," Ryan replied

Marissa laughed and snuggled in further under his covers.

*****

"Come on, Ryan, don't think. Just walk. Just a little further…" Seth's voice flashes in his mind but he can't see through the fog. He obeys.

*****

"Ryan? What are you doing out here? It's four a.m.…"

"Are you looking for me? Is everything okay?" Ryan asks immediately.

She sat down beside him on the sand, reaching for him. He flinched at her touch.

"What is it? What's going on?" She asked, concerned now.

"Nothing. I'm fine…"
"You're sitting on the beach at four am on a school night…smoking. And I know you quit. Talk to me," She urged.

"I said I'm fine. I just needed a little thinking time," Ryan replied.

She reached out then and took his hand. He was trembling. She felt the difference in the skin on his arm and ignored his protests, pulling up his sleeve.

"You…who did this to you?"

"I did," Ryan lied.

"You burned cigarettes into your arm? Shut the fuck up…Ryan, who…" Marissa started, stopping mid-sentence.

"I did it…" He whispered.

"You went to see your mom, today…oh baby…what did she do to you?" Marissa tried to make him look at her.

Ryan wouldn't meet her gaze.

"Ryan…why did she do this?"

Ryan hesitated. "She's not a bad mom…"

"Goddammit, Ryan, don't defend her…"
"She wants me to be strong," Ryan said, pulling his arm away from her. "She does it to make me stronger…"

"She's hurting you…"

"Doesn't hurt…" Ryan remarked, automatically.

"Ryan, listen to me…this is not normal…" She grabbed his arm and forced him to look at it. "Your mother should not be doing this to you. Promise me…" She took his face in her hands, seriously. "Promise me you won't see her anymore…"

"She's my mom, Marissa…"

"She abandoned you. Let her go. Don't let her do this to you. You're strong enough already, okay?" Marissa urged.

"She says I'm getting soft…that I've forgotten where I came from…she just took my arm…reminded me that I'm different…that I'm still her son…" Ryan said.

She embraced him but he couldn't respond. He let her hold him on the beach until the sun came up.

*****

"Is he still breathing up there?"

"Yes, Seth. I need a cigarette…"

"You don't smoke…"

"I'm starting today…"

*****

Ryan was startled as Marissa angrily slammed the door to the pool house.

"What the hell is wrong with me? Why did I think you'd be any fucking different than Luke?" Marissa accused. Seth had bolted from the room, giving Ryan a curious look.

"What?"

"Fuck you, Ryan, fuck you for making me love you…" She started to cry. He was frozen for a moment, wincing at her words as if struck.

He got off the couch and took her hands despite her protests. "What the fuck did I do?"

"Who's Cara?"

Ryan was stricken. "What?"

"Cara. You know who I'm talking about!" Marissa accused.

"Marissa, where did you hear about Cara?" Ryan asked, quietly, releasing her.

"Who cares where I heard it from! It's true, isn't it?"

"That depends on what you heard," Ryan replied, sitting down.

"I heard that you…that you slept with her…"

Ryan glanced up at her. She sat down. "That's true. I did," He stated slowly.

Marissa gasped.

"When we were going out. Three years ago," Ryan added calmly. Marissa looked at him, confused.

"What?"

"Cara was my first," Ryan said. "I mean, I told you that I wasn't a virgin but I…I didn't think you wanted names…" He hesitated. "How'd you hear her name?"

"Summer…I guess Seth told her and she overreacted," Marissa replied, flushed now that she knows the truth.

"I can't believe you'd think that I'd cheat on you, Marissa…"

"You slept with her when you were thirteen, Ryan?" Marissa interrupted.

"Yeah, I guess," Ryan shrugged.

"Did you love her?" Marissa asked.

"No. She was the sister of one of my brother's friends. She was sixteen, I was thirteen and she thought I was cute. We messed around, had huge fights and then we were done. I didn't even really like her that much…"

"Why were you with her, then?" Marissa asked.

"It got me out of the house," Ryan replied honestly.

"Ryan…I know you're not a virgin…but how experienced are you?" She asked quietly.

"It matters to you?" He questioned.

"No. But I'd like to know."

"I've been with a lot of girls. Always safe…no accidents…I've been tested…"

Marissa looked at him, shocked. "Can I get a number?"

Ryan took her hands. "Baby, I don't want this to matter, sex…it never meant anything to me…the relationship, that's the important part…I love you and I'll wait forever if you want me to…you're more important than any of that…"

"How many?"

"Eight…ten…" Ryan muttered.

"Okay. Okay, Ryan. It's okay," She sighed.

"You're mad."

"No, I'm not. I'm glad you told me."

"Really?" Ryan asked.

"Yeah, Ryan," Marissa smiled sadly.

*****

"Ryan?" Summer calls.

"Yeah?" He replies drowsily.

"What are you thinking about?" She sounds relieved.

Ryan glances around. He's sitting in Summer's car. He's smoking a cigarette. She plucks it from his fingers and inhales deeply. He's smoking her cigarette. "Where are we?"

"Thank god that drug's wearing off," Summer sighs.

The back door opens and Seth gets in the car with a bag full of chips

"Hey. What's going on?"

"We kidnapped you," Summer replies, deadpan.

"What?" Ryan questions.

"You don't remember the doctor shooting you full of drugs? Damn, dude…" Seth says, leaning forward as Summer starts the car and pulls away.

"Man, it was so scary…I mean, the first time was fine but then you got upset and he gave you, like, a double dose and you were just…" Summer explains.

"Gone. You were just gone," Seth finishes.

"So…okay…thanks? Are you sure?" Ryan questions, worried.

"I mean, yeah. The funeral's tomorrow and I told the Cohens that I needed to go home to get clothes and I needed Seth to come, too. And then we led you, all obedient puppy-like to the car. The Cohens probably don't even know you're gone."

"Where are we going?" Ryan asks.

"My parents beach house. Not the one we live in, but the other one. You've never been there. It won't…it won't remind you so much of her…" Summer answers.

"Guys, thanks…I don't even know what to say…" Ryan says.

"Don't say anything, dude, just stay conscious," Seth replies.

"You can smoke cigarettes and get drunk and just not freak out there, okay?" Summer says. "It's definitely not a freaking out kind of place."

"We are going to get in so much trouble," Ryan says, turning around to look at Seth.

"It's my fault they called the doctor. So I take full responsibility for this," Seth replies.

"Your parents will understand," Summer says. "They'll understand."

*****