for jane

225 days under grass

and you know more than I.

they have long taken your blood,

you are a dry stick in a basket.

is this how it works?

in this room

the hours of love

still make shadows.

when you left

you took almost

everything.

I kneel in the nights

before tigers

that will not let me be.

what you were

will not happen again.

the tigers have found me

and I do not care.

--Bukowski

Summer dresses for the funeral and then gets Ryan and Seth into her car. The funeral starts at noon but they pull up to the Cohens around 7 am. None of them were able to sleep, they sat up most of the night watching videos and keeping each other company. The press is parked outside but Summer squeezes her car through the vans to make it safely to the Cohen's driveway.

Kirsten and Sandy are not up so Seth and Summer sit down at the counter. Ryan makes breakfast. They are all subdued but steady. By the time Sandy and Kirsten get up, the teenagers have eaten and are watching cartoons in the den to avoid seeing the news.

"Ryan? Can I talk to you?" Sandy calls after he has eaten with Kirsten.

"Why so secretive?" Seth asks as Ryan gets up and goes to the door.

"It's cool, Seth. I'll be back," Ryan says, quietly.

"Something's going on," Summer whispers to Seth once they are gone.

Sandy leads Ryan into his small office.

"Mr. Cohen, I'm going to cooperate. I got a call from Luke last night. He says the kid I took down is suing," Ryan says once the door is closed.

"What?" Sandy asks, startled.

"Yeah. Suing the school. There's no way I'm getting out of this. There are video cameras in the cafeteria. I attacked that kid. Sure, he had a gun and had just killed my girlfriend, but I'm on probation." Ryan meets Sandy's gaze. "I'm going to juvie. I need to know how long I'm going to be in there. Can you get me out or am I going in for good?"

"Ryan, I won't let them take you to juvenile hall…" Sandy sighs.

"You can't stop them, Mr. Cohen. Don't bullshit with me. Not today."

Sandy sighs again, pulling out some paperwork and glancing over it. "At the most, Ryan…I don't know. If they do decide to send you to juvie, I should be able to get you out in a couple of days. I'll get you out, Ryan."

"I trust you," Ryan replies quietly. "I'll be on my best behavior, Mr. Cohen…but if they put me in…" He turns his back to him and puts his hands against the wall, taking a deep breath. "If I go to juvie, I've got some enemies already waiting for me. I don't know if I can stay out of trouble there."

"Ryan…" Sandy begins.

"No, it's cool. I hope it doesn't come to that, but…I'm used to being disappointed," He smiles sadly, turning back around. "Promise me that you won't tell Seth…not until we know for sure…"

"Okay, Ryan."

"Really?" Ryan asks.

"I owe you that much, Ryan," Sandy replies.

"I don't want to lie to him. But I don't want him to worry any more than he is already," Ryan says.

Sandy nods. "I'm going to make some calls. I'm going to try and work this out."

"I hope you're as good of a lawyer as Seth says," Ryan smiles sadly. "But I understand."

"Ryan…"

"I'm going to go lie down for a while before the funeral. Get myself together," Ryan says. "Can you tell Seth and Summer where I am?"

Sandy nods as Ryan leaves.

He lies down on the bed. Rosa has changed the sheets so they smell like dryer sheets and not like Marissa anymore.

*****

Ryan was waiting for her outside the building. He looked up with a slight smile when she emerged.

"Everything cool?" He asked, accepting her in his arms automatically.

"Yeah. I told her everything. The drinking…how I wasn't taking my meds…I told her about you…"

"Should I be honored to be a part of your therapy sessions?" He teased, leading her to the car.

"Yeah. She said you were good for me…she said you were right about us not getting into a relationship yet…"

Ryan opened the door for her. "Ah. The one thing I wish I was wrong about…"

"Hey, it's always been your idea, kid," She laughed. He started her car. She liked to watch him drive, she told him once.

"You know I'm trying to be the voice of reason. I mean…you know how I feel about you and that's not going to change so we have time. I can wait for you to be okay," Ryan said.

"Can you? What if I'm okay now?" Marissa replied.

"Are you okay?" He asked immediately, glancing at her seriously.

"Yeah…"

"I talk to you, Marissa, when you're at your dad's. I don't have to be able to see you to know how much that tears you up…" Ryan sighed. "You are better, Marissa…you're amazing…but I don't know if…I don't know if you're okay all the time."

"I'm better with you…" Marissa whispered.

"But what if something happens to me? What if I have to go live with Dawn again or I get sent to juvie?" Ryan asked, calm. "You know…it would kill me if you depended on me that much…I mean, Luke…Luke drove you to that and I don't want to be the next relationship that's going to send you over the edge."

"Damn, Ryan…we haven't even kissed and it would kill me anyway if I lost you" She looked at him. "Don't you know how much you mean to me?"

"Don't say that, Marissa." He was stopped at a stop sign when he turned to her, his eyes dark with seriousness. "Promise me you wouldn't do anything stupid if…I…don't say that!"

Marissa took his face in her hands and kissed him. "There. Now we've kissed. That's enough."

"What?" Ryan questioned, confused A car blows its horn behind them..

"I couldn't live with myself if I'd lost you and we'd never kissed," She smiled slightly. "I'm satisfied for now. The rest can wait."

*****

"Hey. What are you going to wear? Oh. Were you sleeping?" Summer's voice jolts Ryan awake.

"No. I was dreaming," Ryan replies, sitting up and putting a hand to his face.

"Good or bad?" She asks, sitting down beside him on the bed.

"Depends. Am I awake or asleep?" Ryan answers.

Summer glances at him, confused.

"Never mind. Are you going to tell me what to wear?"

"Yes. Marissa would never forgive me if you looked like ass at her funeral…" Summer says, attempting a joke. She falters in her smile and Ryan immediately embraces her. She cries softly.

"You were her best friend…" Ryan says.

"No, you were her best friend…but she was mine…she was my only real friend…" Summer cries.

"Well, I can be your friend, Summer. God knows, I need one like you…I can't replace Marissa…but I can be your friend," Ryan soothes. "You've really taken care of me these last few days…"

Summer is composed as she pulls away and looks at him. "I'm sorry that I didn't realize how much she…I mean, she told me she loved you, but I didn't really believe her until I saw you in that cafeteria…I saw you die when she did, Ryan…and I can't let that happen to you."

"No tears, today, Summer…I think I'm dehydrated," Ryan says, putting an arm around her. "Clothes."

Summer nods and goes to his closet.

"I'm going to go get a shower. I'll be right back."

Ryan comes back later and Summer is gone but a suit is lying on the bed. He dresses and meets the gathered mourners in the house. They leave for the church.