*****
"Ryan? What happened to you? Where did you get this bruise?" Marissa asked as she tossed his shirt in the floor.
"What bruise? Oh, I don't know, I hadn't noticed it…" Ryan replied.
"Who were you fighting?" She demanded, sitting up.
"I wasn't fighting…" Ryan replied calmly.
"Goddammit, I can't believe you're going to lie to me again!"
"I wasn't fighting, Marissa. I…I fell off my bike," He said, reaching for her.
"No you didn't, just tell me!"
"Why, so you can get angrier?"
Marissa glared at him.
"Dammit, Marissa, just drop it…"
"Not until you tell me the truth."
"Why does it matter to you?" Ryan asked, sitting up. She gasped, seeing that the bruise covers most of his right side.
"Because…you matter to me and you're hurt…and you're not supposed to fight…I don't want to lose you…"
"I wasn't fighting…I fell off my bike."
"How do you fall off your bike?" Marissa scoffed.
"When a truck swerves over and runs you off the pavement," Ryan muttered, turning away.
"What? Who would do that?" Marissa gasped, believing him instantly.
"I'm not the most popular kid in town, Marissa. It's not a big deal…" Ryan sighed. "Let's just go to sleep."
"Ryan…"
"You found out what you wanted and I'm tired."
*****
Ryan wakes up suddenly, feeling hands on him. And cold water. He's freezing.
"Chill, Chino, don't hit me…" Summer snaps. He opens his eyes. She's leaning over him in the bathtub shaking him.
"Shit…" He gasps. He's covered by a large beach towel and Summer is standing outside the tub.
"You conscious again?" She asks.
"Yeah…what happened?"
"You fell the fuck over. Now that you're okay, get dressed and we'll put you to bed." Summer says, satisfied. She turns and closes the door behind her.
Ryan struggles to his feet, shaking off his dizziness. He dries off with a fresh towel and pulls on a pair of jeans that Summer must have brought him. His right knee is swollen and painful. He has been forcing himself not to limp so the kids in juvie wouldn't see his weakness. Ryan leans against the sink, steadying himself.
"Ryan? You okay?" Kirsten's voice startles him from outside.
"Yeah. I just need a few minutes to patch myself up," Ryan replies.
"Are you decent? I'd like to take a look," She calls. He sighs. He opens the door slightly, so she can see inside.
Kirsten pales suddenly as she sees the long gash across his chest that starting on one side of his body below the waistband of his jeans and ending at his neck. His chest and abdomen are bruised and his arm is slashed.
"I think I got it," Ryan says, seeing her face and turning around.
"Let me help you…"
"I can do it. Really," Ryan says.
"Don't listen to him, he's not smart today," Summer says suddenly, pushing open the door and going to Ryan's side. She pushes him to sit down on the closed toilet seat and takes his face in her hands, rolling his head around.
"Summer…" Ryan protests as she shakes his head.
"Don't talk, I'm checking you for a concussion…" Summer snaps. Ryan smiles suddenly, putting his bruised hands on hers and pulling them away.
"You're shaking up my brains. Stop it," He says.
Kirsten holds out the first aid kit. Summer steps out of the way as Kirsten starts bandaging Ryan's chest. "What happened here?" She asks gently.
"Box cutter. It could've been a lot worse but I saw it coming. Cut my jumpsuit right down the middle…" Ryan mutters. Kirsten manages not to react as she secures the gauze with medical tape.
Kirsten pauses, seeing the wrap for his ribs on the edge of the sink.
"I can talk you through it," Ryan says, catching her gaze. He picks up the bandage. "I've got some cracked ribs so I need to wrap them," He says calmly. "I'll hold my arms up and you think you guys could wrap my chest up really tight?"
"Sure. I watch ER," Summer says.
"How tight?" Kirsten asks as she starts to wind the long ace bandage around his chest.
"So tight I can't breathe…hurts like a motherfucker when I breathe unless it's tight…" Ryan replies.
"Did they give you anything for pain?" Kirsten asks quietly.
"No drugs in juvie, Mrs. Cohen," Ryan smiles. "It's cool." He glances down. "Take those little silver clips and secure the bandage…thanks…"
"Now your arm…was that a box cutter, too?" Summer asks, taking his hand.
"I don't think so. I didn't see it, felt like a fork," Ryan replies quietly.
"What about your hands?" Kirsten asks as she bandages his arm.
Ryan looks at her.
"Well?"
"I took out the box cutter kid," Ryan says quietly, lowering his eyes.
Summer winces as she examines his swollen knuckles. "How hard did you hit him to bruise like this?" She whispers, awed.
"Too hard," Ryan replies, pulling his hand away. He starts to get nervous from their attentions and stands up, pulling a shirt on quickly.
"Ryan, wait…" Kirsten pulls the hem of the shirt back up again so she can examine him. "When's the last time you ate something? You've lost weight…"
"I'm okay…"
"You're lying. Your eyebrow twitches when you're lying," Summer says suddenly. "Marissa told me…"
"Ryan?" Kirsten sighs. "Tell me. Did you eat while you were there?"
"I can't keep anything down. I'm just upset, that's all and then I got hurt and…I'm fine."
"You have to eat something. You're probably dehydrated…"
"I'll drink all the liquids you want me to but I can't eat…not today…" Ryan shudders just thinking about it. He walks out of the bathroom.
"You okay?" Seth meets him in the main room of the pool house.
"Yeah, I'm just really tired I think," Ryan replies, sitting down on the bed. Summer enters with Kirsten. "And Summer was shaking my brains," He adds.
Kirsten takes Summer's arm and looks at her seriously. "Don't shake Ryan's brains any more today, okay?"
"It worked, didn't it?" Summer smiles.
"You guys have all lost it." Seth mutters.
Ryan puts a hand to his face. His nose is bleeding. He looks at the blood on his hand as if mesmerized. Kirsten sees him and hurries to get a Kleenex. She snaps Ryan out of his trance by sitting down beside him and putting a tissue in his hand.
"Thanks," He says, lucid again. He takes the tissue from her and holds it to his nose.
"Did I shake your brains too much?" Summer asks.
"I'm just going to lie down."
"I'll make you some tea," Kirsten offers, standing up.
Summer covers him with a blanket and Ryan closes his eyes.
"Ryan, we'll be right outside by the pool, okay?" Summer says.
"Okay…" Ryan whispers.
Kirsten walks with Seth and Summer out of the pool house.
"He looks rough," Summer states quietly.
"He's been through a lot these last few days. You all have. I'm going to go make some dinner. Let me know if you guys need anything," Kirsten says.
Summer turns to Seth and shoves him. "Why didn't you tell me that Ryan was all fucked up?"
"He asked me not to. He told me that the kid was in there with him and I told him not to touch him."
"What?"
"He was in there for attacking him at school, how do you think it would look for him to get in trouble for fucking him up in jail?" Seth asks. "I didn't know he was going to get beat down…I just wanted him to come home…"
"He's really hurt." Summer sits down. "He's trying to act like he's not but he's hurt."
"He's home now. He's going to be okay now that's he's home…" Seth sighs, sitting down beside her in a chair.
"I can't believe we have to start back to school tomorrow."
"No we don't," Seth replies. "There's a tutor coming. The kids are on strike."
"What?" Summer asks, confused.
"Yeah. Parents are keeping their kids out of school until Ryan goes back," Seth states. "Luke organized it. It's all over the news. They said that Ryan shouldn't be in jail because he was saving other kids. At last check, even though he's out of jail, none of the kids are going back to school until he does. A lot of the teachers are in on it, too. He's got huge support."
"Why didn't you tell me any of this?" Summer asks.
"We were just watching the news before Ryan got home. You were just spaced out," Seth replies. "But I heard my Mom on the phone with your mom and you're going to see the same tutor. She's coming in two days…"
"Wow. That's some serious shit," Summer remarks.
"Serious shit is all we've had for a few days."
"I'm still getting used to the fact that nothing's ever going to be normal again. No more Marissa…" Summer mutters.
"…I just need some space to clear my head to figure out my life with or without you…"
--Papa Roach
*****
"All people start to come apart finally and there it is: just empty ashtrays in a room or wisps of hair on a comb in the dissolving moonlight…"
"She's the toy soldiers inside your head poking their lead bayonets. She's the first kiss and the last kiss and the dog's guts spilling like a river. She comes from somewhere and she never stops coming. Me, and that old woman, sorrow."
"…Bad shape. Sick. Can hardly hold my soul together…"
*Bukowski*
Ryan wakes up and it's dark outside. The first thing he realizes is that he's not in juvie anymore. And Marissa's still gone. The ache returns and starts to pound in his chest but he forces himself to get to his feet.
Marissa's gone but Seth and Summer and the Cohens are still here. He has to keep going for them. He can't let them see that he's dead inside. They would be so disappointed. He can act like he's not dead.
Ryan dresses and walks out of the pool house. Seth and Summer are sleeping in pool chairs. Blankets have been strewn across them. He smiles slightly, looking at them. He goes into the main house. Sandy looks up, surprised.
"Hey."
"Hey. You slept through dinner…hungry?"
"I think Mrs. Cohen's going to put in a feeding tube if I don't eat something," Ryan replies as Kirsten enters, smiling at him.
"You're probably right," She says.
"Rosa made some soup for you," Sandy says, going to the refrigerator as Ryan sits down at the counter.
"How do you feel?" Kirsten asks.
"I'm still tired. Marissa's still dead. Other than that, I'm sore," Ryan states evenly.
Sandy regards him.
"You should take a picture of those two out there. They're adorable," Ryan says, nodding toward the patio.
"Ryan. We want you to talk to someone. When you're ready…" Kirsten says gently.
"A shrink?" Ryan replies.
"A counselor. Someone that can help you deal with your grief…"
"I'm dealing with it…" Ryan whispers. "I haven't had a chance…god…I've been locked up for three days…listening to that kid taunt me…" He covers his face as his voice wavers. "I haven't…I mean…I'm supposed to be okay now? It's been like a week, is that like…is that the normal grieving period?"
"Ryan. Listen. You can have all the time you need, baby," Kirsten says. "But if you take a step back and look at yourself…"
"I know I'm messed up…but I'm better…I just have to find my way back…damn…if I can't…then, I'll talk to somebody, but this…don't ask me to do this right now…" He sighs.
"Okay. That's a reasonable request." Sandy puts the heated soup in front of Ryan.
Ryan manages to eat half a bowl of soup before his stomach starts to protest.
"I'll have to try again later," Ryan says.
"I'm satisfied. Thank you, Ryan…" Kirsten smiles.
Ryan sighs heavily. "Give me a couple of days. Let me get used to living without her again." He stands up and goes to the door. "It's like…my whole life led up to meeting her…it was like she finally made me whole and everything came together…so if she's gone…where does that leave me? I mean, what am I supposed to do now?"
Kirsten embraces him and he returns her hug. "There's nothing that we can say, Ryan, we don't have the answers you need."
"I have to try. I mean, I have to. I just need a little time."
"Anything you need…" Kirsten promises.
Ryan nods. "Can I take a walk?"
"You sure you're up to it?" Sandy asks quietly.
"Yeah. Just down to the water. I mean, windows are nice but I missed the fresh air," Ryan smiles slightly.
Sandy holds out his cell phone. "Call us if you don't feel like walking back. And don't call Mexico…"
"What about Canada?" Ryan responds seriously.
"Just be careful."
Ryan nods and leaves. He walks to the beach and sits down. He listens to the waves. He watches the lights across the horizon. It is a beautiful night.