*****
Three Years Later:
"Hey. You ready?" Luke sticks his head into Ryan's bedroom.
"Almost. What are you still doing here? I thought your dad was picking you up…" Ryan responds, buttoning his shirt with one hand while he runs the other one through his shaggy hair.
"I forgot my keys. You sure you don't want to ride with us? I mean, you're the best man and all…"
"I won't be late, Luke, it's your wedding, you'd kick my ass…" Ryan replies with a smile. Luke met Harmony at a bar ten months earlier and they had instantly connected. After the tragedy with Marissa, Luke and Ryan had become good friends. When Luke, Seth and Ryan all decided to go to the same university, the Cohens and Luke's parents bought them a huge house near campus. Summer and Seth have been dating for years and she lives with him in the house, but their parents don't know. She has an unoccupied dorm room on campus.
Ryan struggled with Marissa's death for a long time. He lapsed back to drinking in high school but is a regular attendant at AA meetings now. He doesn't date but has one-night stands on a regular basis. Luke, Seth and Summer have learned not to pressure him into dating. He told Seth once that he would never love anyone again because it hurt so much to lose Marissa.
Seth steps into his room wearing his tuxedo. "You ready?"
"Almost. What do I do with this?" He holds up a flower.
"Have you ever been to a wedding before?" Seth teases, knowing the answer.
"Shut up. Where's Summer?"
"She's at Harmony's helping her get ready. She claims that it's like, a six hour process…" Seth remarks.
"Getting ready to go anywhere is like a six hour process for Summer anyway," Ryan replies.
"The folks are meeting us at the chapel. I don't think Dad's recovered from the bachelor party yet so expect a lecture from Mom," Seth says, arranging the flower on Ryan's tux.
"Hey, I told him not to drink all those tequila shots just because the stripper told him to," Ryan laughs.
Seth smiles. Ryan's moods vary from day to day but he seems genuinely happy today.
"Summer says you have to ride with me, you can't take your bike," Seth says, picking up the wedding ring off Ryan's dresser and handing it to him.
"Damn…" Ryan's motorcycle is the closest thing he's had to a girlfriend in years despite Summer and Kirsten's hatred for it.
"So get yourself together. We've got a wedding to go to."
At the church, Ryan smiles and greets all of Luke's family and friends. They tease him and warn him about starting a fight at the reception because of a family cookout the boys had thrown the year before when Luke got drunk and picked a fight with Ryan. The two guys had ended up in the pool wrestling for control and Ryan had to carry Luke inside until he sobered up and apologized.
"Nervous?" Ryan asks, joining Luke in a small room at the back of the church.
"Hell yeah," Luke answers honestly. Ryan pulls up a chair beside him.
"Listen, dude, I think this is the time for us to have a heartfelt conversation…"
Luke breaks out in a smile. "Shut up, Chino…"
"No, but seriously," Ryan grins. "You deserve this. When I first met you, I hated your guts. But you're a good guy. You've grown into a good man. Harmony's lucky to have you. You love her, don't you?"
"God, you know I do, Ry. I love her like you love Marissa. Forever," Luke says.
Ryan reaches out his hand and Luke shakes it, pulling him into a brotherly hug.
"Thanks for standing beside me," Luke says. "I love you, man."
"See? Heartfelt conversation," Ryan grins.
Luke shoves him and Ryan laughs.
*****
At the reception, Ryan gives a moving speech and then disappears. Kirsten and Sandy find him sitting behind the band, smoking a forbidden cigarette. For once, he doesn't put it out in front of Kirsten.
"Hey, kid. You did good today," Sandy says, sitting down beside him.
"Don't I do good every day?" Ryan asks, feigning surprise.
"How you doing?" Kirsten asks.
"I'm happy for Luke. It's his day," Ryan replies.
"Why didn't we hear that you made the dean's list? We had to hear it from Seth," Kirsten scolds.
"I told Rosa, you guys were all off in Hawaii or something celebrating your, what, fiftieth wedding anniversary?" Ryan jokes.
"Hey, we're not that old," Sandy laughs.
"We're proud of you," Kirsten smiles.
"You say that now," Ryan sighs. "I have news."
"Really? Good or bad? Do you need an attorney?" Sandy asks immediately.
Ryan laughs. "No. I decided on a major."
"Really? Not Midget Anthropology in India or anything, right?" Kirsten smiles.
"No. I really don't know what you guys are going to think about it…I don't know what I think about it…" Ryan admits.
"Well, you won't know until you tell us, kid," Sandy replies.
Ryan hesitates.
"Come on, we know you're capable of multiple syllables, Ryan," Kirsten smiles.
"Shit…pre-med…" Ryan says finally.
"Wow, a doctor in the family, that's pretty impressive," Sandy remarks, surprised. "I thought you were going pre-law?"
"I thought you chose the school so you could be an architect," Kirsten replies.
Ryan smiles at them. "Seth wanted me to be a history major so I could help him with his homework and Summer says I should go for English. Pre-med was the only way I could disappoint everyone equally."
"You're going to be a great doctor, Ryan," Kirsten smiles. "And yes, we're still proud of you."
'But I really wanted to have a Cohen and Sons law firm," Sandy mutters, playfully. Seth is pre-law.
*****
Seth and Summer notice that starting about a week after Luke's wedding, Ryan starts attending AA meetings on a daily basis. They are so busy with school and hiding their cohabitation that they don't get a chance to ask him until the day after Luke gets back from his honeymoon. Harmony is a flight stewardess and is only home on various days.
"Ryan? It's like 4 am. What are you doing?" Seth finds him on the beach outside their house.
"What? Nothing. You want to sit?" Ryan's face is illuminated for a moment as he lights a cigarette.
Seth sits down, yawning. "What's up?"
"Have I been weird lately?" Ryan asks.
"Yeah. You're quiet again. You're going to meetings," Seth replies honestly.
Ryan tosses an unopened bottle of whiskey in the sand beside Seth. "Enjoy."
"What's up?"
"I met someone," Ryan states quietly.
Seth doesn't know what to say.
"She's great. She makes me laugh. She doesn't remind me of Marissa like everything else…except for the way I feel about her…and I just don't know what to do…" Ryan starts. Luke startles them both, sitting down on Ryan's empty side.
"It's fucking you up, isn't it?" Luke asks.
"God yes. I know you guys think I'm stupid…mourning a girl that's been dead for years…" Ryan starts.
"Dude, you loved her. There's nothing wrong with that. I think…I think we just want you to find a way to be happy," Seth interrupts.
"Marissa would want you to be happy, Ryan. You know that." Luke says.
"I am happy…I don't want to replace her…I don't want to forget about her…"
"You're not doing either of those, but you're not dead. You can still live without her," Seth says. "Not just for us, not just to make us happy, but for you. If this chick makes you happy then there's no reason you shouldn't be with her."
"I feel like a traitor," Ryan whispers.
"You're not betraying anyone, dude. God, Ryan…she's not coming back but it's like you're waiting…and sometimes it's like, you're just waiting to die or something, but…you still have a chance, man…" Luke says quietly. "You like this girl and you said she's not like Marissa…but it could still be love…you know, like a different kind of love."
"You owe yourself a chance. Dude, what's she like?" Seth asks, nodding respectively at Luke.
"She's a biker…" Ryan replies quietly. "We ride together. Don't talk."
"You're all about the not talking, aren't you?" Seth teases. Ryan laughs.
"We talk. She's English and she quotes all this fucking poetry and there's this little grin she gets every time I name the poet, and it's like…it's fucking hot…" Ryan smiles.
"Details. Tall or short?"
"Tall, thin…" Ryan covers his face. "She's damn sexy…blonde and blue…"
"Like Mom?" Seth asks.
"Shut up," Ryan laughs.
"You really like her," Luke states.
"Yeah. I think so. She's the first girl since Marissa that I've actually…that I've actually felt…like, I feel her…" Ryan replies.
"Good. When are you going to bring her over?"
"Dude, I'm so fucking scared of your girlfriend…Summer would eat her alive…" Ryan says seriously.
Luke laughs. "He's right."
"Ryan, come on. You have to let us meet her. Seriously," Seth grins.
"I need to think about it."
"Damn, man, you're seriously considering not going after this chick?" Luke asks.
"I need to think about it."
"Come on, Luke, let's let him brood in peace," Seth says, standing up.
"You're cool?" Luke asks.
"Cool," Ryan replies. "Thanks guys."
A few weeks later, Seth and Luke are having drinks after class waiting for Harmony's flight to come in. Seth's phone buzzes and he doesn't recognize the number.
"Seth Cohen?"
"Yeah? Who's calling?"
"This is Lilie, I'm a friend of Ryan's and there's been an accident…"
"What kind of accident?"
"Some fucking bitch sideswiped his bike…he's in the ambulance and he wanted me to call you…"
"Is he okay?" Seth asks.
"I don't know, he was conscious, he said he was fine but I couldn't tell…his bike is thrashed," She adds.
"What hospital?"
"Mercy."
"Thanks, Lillie, we'll meet you there." Seth hangs up. "Can you and Harmony catch a taxi? Ryan's had an accident."
"Sure, go, what hospital?" Luke asks.
"Mercy. I'll call when I know something."
Seth calls Summer and his parents on the way to the hospital. Sandy meets him outside the hospital and they walk in together.
"I don't care what your fucking hospital policy says, I want to know how he is!" A girl is yelling with a strong English accent.
Seth sees the source of the voice. Tall, thin and gorgeous with blonde hair, he knows that she's a source of beauty worthy of Ryan's praise.
"Lilie?" Seth calls, tentatively.
"Yeah?" She turns away from the nurse for an instant.
"Seth Cohen. This is Sandy, my father…" Seth introduces. They join her by the desk.
"Him, I can give information to," The nurse says.
"Goddammit, I'm glad you're here," Lilie mutters, relieved.
"Mr. Atwood's condition is stable. He suffered a mild concussion and a broken wrist and collarbone…there were some complications that the doctor will be out to tell you about, but he should be fine…" The nurse says.
"Complications?" Seth asks.
"You can wait over there," She says.
"What happened?"
"We had to get on the freeway for like, three miles…anyway, this car didn't see him and just ran him off the road…I was right behind him so I stopped and called an ambulance…" She says, pale.
"Thank you for being there…" Sandy says, hugging her.
"You're Ryan's dad?" Lilie asks.
Sandy hesitates.
"Wait…Sandy, you're his dad in all the ways that matter, yeah…that's what I meant," She says flushing.
"You said he was awake and everything?"
"Yeah…but I mean, he's got a pretty high pain threshold so I don't know how bad it was…complications aside…"
"Where is he?" Summer bursts inside the waiting room and Seth catches her in his arms.
"We're waiting for the doctor now, Summer…this is Lilie, a friend of Ryan's," Seth introduces.
"Hello, Summer," Lilie says, clearly distracted by her worry.
Summer gasps. "Mystery English girl! You've been talking to Ryan on the phone, like, every night…"
Lilie looks surprised.
"Ah, Mystery English girl. You've been upsetting Summer for weeks, I don't know why I didn't make the connection," Sandy nods.
"Sorry. Ryan's kind of…moody. Secretive kinds of sums him up if you start to ask him stuff," Lilie replies.
"Sounds like you know Ryan pretty well," Seth says. "Dad, go force them to let you see him, you're a lawyer…"
"Mr. Cohen? Are you here for Mr. Atwood?"
"Yes, Doctor, how is he?"
"He's going to be fine. He has a broken collarbone and wrist and he's unconscious but…"
"The nurse said that there were complications," Lilie interrupts.
"He was allergic to the painkiller that we gave him but we counteracted it and there should be no side effects.
"Shit…Can we see him?" Sandy asks.
"He's being moved to a room upstairs now and you can meet him there. They'll probably keep him overnight for observation and he'll get out tomorrow." The doctor smiles. "The nurse can tell you his room number."
Sandy stands outside to wait for Kirsten while Seth, Summer and Lilie take the elevator to Ryan's floor.
"So, mystery English girl, why hasn't Ryan introduced us?" Summer asks Lilie.
Seth shakes his head at Lilie, warning her not to answer.
Lilie hesitates. "I don't know. We both stay pretty busy, I guess…"
Seth gives her the thumbs up and Summer turns around catching his movement. "What?"
"Ryan's scared of you," Seth says.
"Shut up…I'm not mean…" Summer glances at Lilie.
"Protective was the word he used, I think," Lilie adds. They step off the elevator and find his room. Lilie pushes ahead, going to the bed's side. She reaches out her hand and brushes a stray piece of Ryan's hair out of his eyes.
"Ryan? Ryan, baby, wake up…" Lilie calls. Summer joins her by his bed. Summer watches the girl, surprised by her concern.
"He's probably going to sleep for a while. They said he had a concussion," Summer says to Lilie.
Lilie glances at her. "I know you hate his bike and everything, but this…it wasn't supposed to happen…"
"It was an accident," Seth says quietly. "Ryan's a good driver. He still has his driver's license unlike other people in this room…"
"Shut up," Summer snaps. She softens her tone. "You seem pretty close with him…"
"As close and anyone can really get with Ryan outside of you guys." She puts her hand against his cheek. "It's so frustrating to be in love with somebody as emotionally unavailable…god…"
"Yep, that's Ryan," Summer sighs.
Lilie steps away from the bed. " I mean, I used to see him take girls home from parties and he won't even kiss me…"
"Baby, that's a good thing, I mean, look at him. If you could get him into bed, you'd really be pining over him," Summer remarks.
"Summer, god, stop it," Seth scolds. "Lilie, Ryan's just got a lot of things his still trying to deal with. I know he likes you…"
"I'm just glad he's okay. That's enough for me."
Kirsten and Sandy come in with Luke.
Kirsten takes Ryan's hand. "I told him about riding that thing on the freeway…"
"…Wasn't my fault…" Ryan mutters hoarsely. He opens his eyes and looks at them. "Hey…"
"Hey," Lilie smiles. Ryan reaches for her hand and kisses it.
"I'm okay…"
"Really?" Kirsten asks.
"I see the whole gang's here," Ryan smiles. "It takes a car accident to get us all together…"
"You sure you're okay?" Lilie asks, putting her hand on his forehead.
"That depends. How's my bike?" Ryan asks.
"Already?" Summer groans.
"Is it fixable? Lilie? Come on," Ryan pleads.
"Ryan, I'm disowning you if you get back on that bike," Kirsten threatens.
"Oh, he won't ride the same bike, Mrs. Cohen, he'll use this as an excuse for a new, faster, more dangerous bike," Summer teases.
"Don't worry about the bike, Ryan. Bikes are replaceable, you aren't…" Lilie smiles.
*****
Lilie and Ryan grow closer and he brings her around the house and she gets to know Seth, Luke and Summer. A month or so after the accident, Summer and Seth are having breakfast after leaving Lilie and Ryan sleeping. Lilie has confided to Summer that Ryan still refuses to be intimate with her, shutting down when things go too far. Ryan hasn't talked to anyone about the developing relationship after the conversation on the beach.
Summer's phone rings and she answers it. "Yeah?"
"Summer? It's Lilie, something's wrong with Ryan…"
"Where are you?"
"In the kitchen, I cut my hand and he just started…he's, like, catatonic…"
"We'll be right there," Summer promises. She turns to Seth. "Ryan's flipping out. Like after Marissa."
Seth is already tossing money on the table. "Let's go."
Lilie meets them at the door.
Seth doesn't let her go back into the kitchen. "You need to change clothes. You've got blood on you…" She glances down at her stained shirt.
"Shit…what's going on, Seth? He's pre-med, he's going to be around blood all the time…" Lilie protests.
"Not on people he cares about. It's not about the blood, it's about the blood on you," Seth says.
Summer goes into the kitchen. Ryan is sitting in the corner with his arms wrapped around his knees. She crouches beside him and he immediately embraces her in a hug.
"Poor baby…you really like her…"
"I…I was looking at her…she started bleeding…I…I don't know…I don't think I can do this again…" Ryan murmurs.
"What do you know about Marissa?" Seth asks Lilie when she finishes changing clothes.
"Is she Ryan's old girlfriend? The one that died?"
"Yeah. He never got over her dying. Did he tell you what happened?"
"No."
Seth sighs. "She died in his arms…these kids came to school and started shooting. Seeing you with the blood…it probably just got to him…"
"God…I didn't know…he won't talk about it…" Lilie says quietly.
In the kitchen, Summer pulls Ryan to his feet. "You're okay, aren't you, Ryan?"
"No…I don't think so…I need a drink…"
"No, Ry, I'm sorry…"
"A cigarette?" Ryan mutters.
"Maybe. Talk to me. You haven't talked to me in a while. Talk to me."
"I…I don't think I can do this again, Summer…I'm not strong enough…I'm not over her…"
"Yes, Ryan, you are, I think that's why you're so scared…" Summer takes his arms, steadying him. "It's time. It took a while but you know that it's time."
Lilie and Seth step into the kitchen.
"Hey, Ry. You okay?"
"No…Lilie, I'm sorry, I can't do this…I thought I was ready but I'm not…I'm not over Marissa…I'm sorry…" Ryan pulls away from Summer and starts to bolt from the kitchen.
"Do I get a say in this?" Lilie asks, reaching for him.
"I can't…I'm just not strong enough…I'm sorry…" He says, his blue eyes flashing with pain. She pulls him to her and kisses him deeply.
He pulls away. "Don't…I'm sorry…" He rushes past Seth and disappears out of the front door.
"Lilie…" Summer sighs.
Seth follows Ryan outside. Ryan has stopped beside his car, leaning against it.
"Hey. Let's take a ride," Seth says.
Ryan glances at him. "You have class."
"This is more important," Seth replies. "Get in."
Ryan follows Seth to his car and sits down.
Seth opens the glove compartment and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. He tosses them to Ryan.
"I quit," Ryan mutters.
"Whatever. Light one."
They ride in silence for several miles.
"You want to go home? Mom should be there. Chill out and relax a minute and get your bearings…"
"You think I'm being stupid," Ryan says quietly.
"Ryan, I don't know what to think. I gave up trying to understand the way your mind works years ago. I know that you're not stupid. You're trying to do what you think is right. But I want you to think about what's right for you. You can't keep living…you can't always live your life this way."
Ryan sighs. "I don't know what else to do…I…I still see her, Seth…sometimes, I still feel her…I can smell her scent…"
"Ryan…" Seth is surprised.
"That's why I don't want to hurt Lilie…I mean…I care about her…I think I might be able to love her one day…but I still…I still feel Marissa…" Ryan whispers.
"Damn, Ryan, I'm sorry…"
"God, Seth, you guys have been waiting for me to get over her all these years, I mean, I should have moved on years ago…It's like I'm still stuck in that cafeteria watching her die," Ryan admits.
"Dude, you're better. I mean, you were lost a long time, when you were drinking…but you found your way back, I mean, you came back. Why can't you let yourself be happy?" Seth pulls into his parents' driveway.
"I don't know. But I won't put Lilie through this. I won't make her wait for me because I don't think…I don't think I'm going to get over her." Ryan steps out. Seth knocks and they enter the house after a beat.
"Hey, guys, what's the occasion?" Kirsten calls, giving her son a hug. She goes to Ryan. "You okay?"
"We just needed to get out of the house for a while," Seth says.
Ryan is trembling and he braces himself on the counter. "I freaked out."
Kirsten narrows her eyes in concern. "What happened?"
"Lilie cut her hand…she was bleeding and I kind of, shut down."
"Did you talk to her?" Kirsten asks gently.
"I told her that I couldn't do it…I'm not ready…"
"Honey, that's okay. If it's too soon for you, then you did the right thing," Kirsten says. "But I hope you're not giving up because it's hard. Because you know love is always hard. You don't have to love Lilie like you loved Marissa. There's enough of you for both of them."
Seth's phone rings. "Hello? Hey Summer…he's okay, we're at Mom's…okay…"
"We left Summer with Lilie at the house…" Ryan tells Kirsten.
"Lilie went home. She says that she'll give you some time but she will be calling you to talk about this," Seth says.
"She's a very nice girl," Kirsten tells Ryan.
"I know. That's why I don't want to hurt her. She deserves somebody that's not an emotional wasteland," Ryan replies.
"Give yourself some credit," Seth replies. "You're not that bad."
They stay with Kirsten for lunch and then Seth takes Ryan back to the house.
Summer greets him with a hug. Luke comes home and immediately bitches them all out for taking the day off from classes and not telling him.
Later that night, Summer walks in and finds Ryan sitting in the den on the phone in the dark.
"I can't, Lilie, I'm sorry…"
Summer shakes her head at him, sitting down and taking his hand.
"I know you love her, Ryan, I'm not asking for you to stop loving her…but don't you love me too? Don't you feel anything for me?" Lilie asks.
"Of course I do, you're amazing…" Ryan replies.
"Then why can't we try? Aren't I worth a chance?"
Ryan sighs. "Yes, you are, that's why I'm letting you go. You deserve someone that can love you."
"I don't want anyone else, I want you…I want you, Ryan…"
"I'm sorry…" He hangs up the phone.
"You had to do that, didn't you?"
"I think so. I wish I didn't…but I had to." Ryan turns to her. "I just wish that it didn't hurt so bad."
"Me, too. You okay?" Summer puts an arm around him and leans her head against his shoulder.
"Yeah. I dropped pre-med, Summer."
"What?"
"Yeah. I started thinking about it…and I don't think I could watch people die. I think I was trying too hard to move on."
"So what do you want to be now?"
"I just want to be okay again," Ryan whispers.
"I don't think they offer that curriculum here," Summer replies.
"You and Seth, the Cohens…you guys make me okay," Ryan says.
"Good. I want you to be happy, Ryan. I'm sorry about Lilie."
"Me, too," Ryan sighs. "Me, too."
The next morning, Luke finds a note from Ryan. He's gone. On a sabbatical it says. He's gone for seven days.
"What the hell is that?" The kitchen light turns on and Seth finds Ryan standing over the sink, washing his hands.
"Hey."
"Hey. You've been gone a week and all you can say is 'hey'?" Seth asks.
"I got a tattoo," Ryan shrugs, holding out his arm.
"Sweet," Seth goes to his side, examining the black twisting tattoo stretching up his arm.
"I took a ride. Sold my car and bought a bike…"
"You are in so much trouble. When Mom and Summer find out you bought another bike and got a tattoo…you really have a death wish, don't you?" Seth jokes.
"It's like three am…hot damn, you're back!" Luke is relieved to see his friend. "Sweet! Nice tattoo…" He sees.
"Just felt like time. My brother, Trey, he's got this shop down at Venice Beach so I went and checked it out…" Ryan explains.
"But everything's okay, right? You're…you're not drinking or anything?" Luke asks, tentatively.
"Yeah. I'm okay. Talked to Trey. Saw my Mom. I talked to…I talked to Julie Cooper…"
"What?" Summer enters the kitchen.
"Yeah, she was down there with Caitlyn and we talked. Seems that she found Marissa's old diary a couple of years ago…she apologized to me…Caitlyn looks great…" Ryan mutters. "She looks just like Marissa…"
"Wow…" Seth says.
"Anyway…I talked to Lilie a couple of times, too and…I think we might try to do something…" Ryan admits.
"That's great, man. I'm happy for you."
"No more sabbaticals, though, unless you suck it up and turn your cell phone on," Summer scolds. "And what did you do to your arm?"
*****