Joint author's note: We just wanted to let you know that we both love FF7.
Perhaps, this may make the story slightly more sadistic but, well, if
you're that sensitive than you should never have crossed the PG rating
threshold. (Just kidding. We love you guys. Well, some of you anyway.
Definitely not that guy in the back)
The Ominous Evil FanFic: EATEN!
"I'm pleased that you could all join us today. You're here, well, mostly because I don't really like you that much, but also because this will be the single most greatest television event in the history of the Planet!"
Rufus waited for applause and was disappointed when there was only a small spattering of them. Nonplussed, he flipped his blonde hair out of his face.
"This house in front of you is completely wired with state of the art video surveillance equipment that will be able to capture every single action that you participants will take. Your goal is simple: survive the night and a prize of 1 million dollars will be given to you."
Again, he waited for a surprised gasp but there was none. Someone in the back cried out,
"What's a 'dollar'?"
Rufus rolled his eyes expressively, pulled out his shotgun, and blasted the man in the head.
"Gil. 1 million gil. Oh, and that 1 million gil is going to be split between any survivors. So, that's one down."
A woman cried out from the back of the crowd.
"What exactly do you mean about 'survive'? Don't we just have to stay over one night? What could possibly go wrong?"
Rufus coughed to cover a slightly malicious smile.
"Nothing. Absolutely nothing."
He threw back his head and laughed, well, kinda evilly. An aide beside him nudged him and reminded him politely that he was supposed to gloat after all his hapless victims had been herded to their doom.
"Yes, quite. Well, good luck. Don't let the bed bugs bite!"
More evil laughter.
"What do you think?" Cloud asked looking back at the assembled members of AVALANCHE.
"It sounds peaceful," said Aeris.
"1 000 000 gil. Sounds good," agreed Cid.
". . ." Added Vincent.
"All right. Let's mosey." said Cloud, striking his fearless leader stance. Cid threw a small rock at him but it bounced harmlessly off his ridiculously well gelled hair.
Vincent looked at the group of people around him. *This is stupid*, he thought. He wheeled around, leaving them to what he surmised was a terrible fate. After all, Vincent was always the only one that ever listened to anyone's monologues.
Yuffie ran up the steps excitedly, twirling around.
"Woo-hoo! 1 000 000 gil! 1 000 000 gil! 1 000 000 -" Tifa threw a large rock at Yuffie, which she struck out of the air with a needlessly complicated ninja kick.
"Woo-pah!" Yuffie landed and did a Rufus style hair-flip throwing her. . . blonde hair?
"Hey Yuffie, when did you dye your hair?" Cloud asked.
"Last week. Doesn't it look cool?" She struck a pose she dubbed Blue Steel. Then, she got excited again and started waving around her brand new video camera that she had, um, borrowed, from its previous owner.
"Well, I think it's very becoming." Aeris said, smiling at the young ninja. "I mean, it's not like there's any sort of stereotype associated with blonde haired individuals. Right Cloudy-poo?"
"You're right Aeris. I mean, just listen to yourself and you're not even blonde." Tifa smiled sickeningly.
Aeris cocked her head sideways the way a confused animal might.
"We're wasting time here," growled Red XIII.
They entered the mansion. Sure, by all rights, there should have been some sort of ominous clash of thunder. . . Well, a few miles away, a cow mooed a little too loudly. Coincidence, I think not!
"I don't want any of them to leave that mansion alive, do you understand me?"
"Yes sir, Mr. President."
Reno rolled his eyes. Why was Tseng always so damn obsequious? Ooo, obsequious is a cool word.
"Hell no!"
Everyone turned to face Elena.
"I am NOT going into that stupid haunted mansion."
"Elena!" Tseng admonished.
"No, seriously, think about it. I'm BLONDE! BLONDE! Do you *know* what happens to blonde girls in haunted mansions? DO YOU!?"
Elena broke off, panting.
"Please, Elena, it's not like there's any sort of stereotype associated with blonde haired individuals." Rufus smiled oily and flipped his hair.
"Yeah right. I am NOT going in there! Never!"
"Very well," he said passing her a black wig. "Will this satisfy your feminine weakness?"
"Ooo. . . pretty color."
Reno rolled his eyes. He wanted a drink.
Cloud and co. (as he liked to refer to AVALANCHE in his head) entered the building. It was, well, a haunted mansion. You know the deal; lots of spider webs, too much dust, creaking floorboards, faucets only spouting Fruitopia, etc. etc.
"Nice place." Cloud had no idea why he said that. It was nowhere near what he would consider nice. Maybe random horror stories need random people to say strange random things that make no sense in context. Of course, it could just be sarcasm. Granted, sarcasm with bad acting skills but still sarcasm. Maybe we'll never know.
***
The clock struck one.
Behind the door, leaves rustled.
Two lanes over, a chocobo stepped on a bug.
Coincidence, I think not!
***
The great oaken doors shut behind our fearless party members. No one noticed of course that nobody had shut the door and, had they noticed, perhaps they would have been horrified; but FF characters being what they are. . .
They stepped over the welcoming mat that read 'Nobody leaves here alive!'. Each one scanned the large, dark and ominous entranceway thinking about the night to come. Aeris smiled happily.
"It's quaint!"
Cid was the first to notice the three extra people that had been following them since they left Rufus.
"Who the $%#& is that!?"
"Oh, don't mind them," reassured Red XIII. "They're just the random party members inserted into the story for the reader's entertainment. Gruesome deaths are all the rage."
"Do they have $#&@ing names?"
"I think they're RandomCharacterX, Y, and Z."
"Oh. . ."
The group moved on.
Cait Sith bent forward to tie his shoes. Then, too late, he realized that he had no shoes and that he was now too far to be reached by the group but that any scream that he would utter would reach them, probably as an echo.
Above him, the evil lurked.
"Did you hear that?" Aeris asked.
"What?" Cloud said, turning to face her.
"Well, it kind of sounded like a pitiful cat-like wail followed by. . . I don't know. . . a verb of some kind."
Yuffie looked back at Cloud.
"You mean like. . . EATEN?" Dramatic music echoed throughout the hallway.
"No. . ." Aeris said thoughtfully. "More like. . . TRANSPLANTED."
"Hey, has anyone seen Vincent?" Tifa asked.
"Oh my God! Vincent was transplanted!" Aeris screeched and ran to hide behind Cloud.
"I pity da foo," Barrett said, probably in a jealous rage because he had previously had no lines.
"Hey, where's the &^%#ing cat?" Cid asked.
"What cat?"
"You know, the fluffy one."
"Red XIII?" Cloud said, while trying to calm Aeris.
"I am not a cat and I am not fluffy."
"Wait, if you're not a cat then what are you?"
There was a long pause before Red replied.
"We're wasting time here."
"Achoo!" It seemed funny to Reno that Elena sneezed, well, like a girl.
"My uniform's all dusty," whined Tseng.
". . ."
"You're right Rude. I think we're getting closer."
"Remind me again Reno, why did we have to bother to go into a god forsaken haunted mansion to knock off people, who are probably going to die very soon, putting our very lives at risk?"
"Because it's our job." Reno said, striking his very best noble killer pose. Elena rolled her eyes. *He's so full of it*.
A girlish scream pierced the air.
". . .And another one's gone and another one's gone. Everyone bites the dust!" Reno chuckled as Elena punched him in the arm.
"EEEKKK! Spiders!"
Cloud jumped into Barrett's waiting arms. Yuffie, taking control of the situation, used her patented ninja stomp technique, squishing the enemy.
"Woo-pah!"
Barrett dropped Cloud onto Yuffie.
"I pity da foo," he said as he stomped off in disgust. It seems that nobody ever told Barrett that wandering alone in an evil mansion is, well, downright suicidal.
***
The clock struck four. Oh my god! This really is an evil house!
***
Barrett was slightly worried now. It hadn't been too bad when the hallway had just been dark, shadowy and had an ominous soundtrack. Adding a carnival house of mirrors was just getting out of hand though. When he reached the mirrors that distort people's features, he couldn't help but scream
"My figure! It's all gone to Hell!" Then, noticing that he had broken character, he muttered.
"I pity da foo."
Admiring himself in the mirror, he considered visiting that dress merchant that Cloud and Tifa had told him about one day. A body this good deserved to be shown in silk. Perhaps, this is the exact reason why vanity is a sin. Barrett never noticed the evil waddling up behind him.
"EATEN!!!!"
A terrible scream followed by a very loud verb echoed ominously through the dark hallway.
"Wow. Maybe Yuffie was right."
"Yes! Score for the ninja queen! Woo-"
"Finish that sentence and I will kill you. Seriously."
"Sorry Tifa. . . Please take your hand off my throat."
The ominous verb echoed through the ominous hallway again. Ominously.
"Ah! Someone else has been transplanted!" Aeris screeched and dove behind Cloud again. "Protect me please Cloud!"
"Of course Aeris for you are my one true love and. . ."
As Cloud went off on his monologue, the leafy evil snuck up and chomped down a tasty Cetra snack.
"EATEN!"
"What?" When Cloud spun around though there was nothing left of his love other than a shiny pink bow and an oversized, garishly green cartoon leaf.
"Well. . . maybe she went to the bathroom."
"Yes. . . the bathroom." Tifa couldn't contain herself though and began chuckling hysterically.
"I'll go look!" shouted Cid, seeing that, finally, he'd be able to get his chance in the spotlight. Stupid chocobo boy wouldn't steal the show today! He stormed off towards the bathroom.
Rufus looked around him, surprised to be alone. Damn, his attendants where all on lunch break and he had a load of laundry to do! Where were the bloody Turks when he needed them? Oh. . . yes. His fiendishly evil plan. Well, nothing to do but head into the mansion after them. After all, it wasn't like he was blonde or anything.
Cid looked around the bathroom for Aeris. He checked in the toilet bowl. He checked under the bath mat. He checked in the toothpaste. Nowhere. Then, he heard it. Something was breathing heavily behind the shower curtain. He threw it back, hoping to reveal Aeris' tiny form.
"EATEN!"
Afterwards, the large floral organism used Cid's spear as a toothpick.
"Reno, we're lost aren't we."
"No we're not."
"Yes we are."
"No we're not."
"Yes we are."
"Damnit Elena! If we're lost it's you're damn fault!"
"Why?"
"Because you're blonde!"
"Well, isn't Tseng supposed to be our leader?"
"Hell, all he's been doing for the last half hour is spout haikus!" Ooo. . . haiku.
"The frog jumped high, far. Splash into the deep pool. All is peaceful now."
". . ."
"Yeah, Rude, you're right. This blows."
"Shut up Elena."
"Why, what's wrong?"
"My liquor sense is tingling."
". . .um, what?"
"Alcohol, this way!"
***
Reno ran down the hallway as fast as he could. As a goose is driven south in the winter, as monarch butterflies can be sent off hundreds of miles in migration, so too now did Reno go. A force more powerful than money drove him deeper into the mansion. Liquor, in all of its glory, called him on.
He threw open the door at the end of the hallway. A bright light consumed him. He fell to his knees, tears in his eyes, and gave his thanks to God.
***
Reno was much more subdued now after twenty minutes of happy bar frolicking and two bottles of tequila. Ooo. . . tequila is yummy.
Elena had grabbed a bottle of everyone's favorite drink and was dancing around singing "If you like pina coladas."
Tseng was still trying to compose haiku with a vocabulary reduced to mama, and your.
Reno turned to Rude and slurred.
"Ya know, I wanna, know, is what I wanna know is what's with da ooos? I mean, I ain't no oooer. Ain't no. . . if it ain't me, den who da oooer. I wanna know is all. You da oooer?
". . ."
RandomCharacterY appeared from behind one of the hundreds of cases of liquor.
"Ooo sherry."
"Da oooer! Get 'im!"
All four drunken Turks converged on RandomCharacterY. From the shadows, a leafy menace muttered "BEATEN" in approval.
Yuffie was prancing along beside Cloud.
"You know, I'm just happy to be here! I mean, come on! I'm blonde, sixteen, and nobody likes me.
"I don't understand what's taking Aeris so long in the bathroom."
Tifa taking pity on the poor blonde boy tried to explain it to him.
"Cloud, in random horror stories, when people go off on their own they've pretty much been eaten. Or, maybe in Aeris' case, transplanted, but that's the best she can get."
During this long dull conversation, Yuffie had noticed a rusty, underused door. Seeing that Tifa, Cloud, and Red XIII were out of hearing distance, she decided to kick it down with a loud ninja 'Woo-pah'. It shattered with a thundering crash. Unfortunately, all that blonde hair dye must have gone to Yuffie's head because when she noticed the very ominous looking stairwell she turned on her video camera and headed down into the basement.
***
The clock struck one. Again. What the Hell is with this house?
***
Red XIII laid back his ears and his tail swished nervously.
"Something's not right." Cloud and his ever-diminishing co. headed forwards. There, in a giant pool of red liquid lay Yuffie's camera.
"Well that makes no conceivable form of sense." Tifa shrugged.
"Let's watch it."
"Why?"
"Well, it might show us where the French fries are."
"What the heck are you talking about Cloud?"
"Well, if she left her camera in a big pile of ketchup, then she must have had lots of French fries."
Not for the first time in his life, Red wished that he had hands so that he would have been able to hit Cloud in the back of the head. (Carefully of course because Cloud's head is sharp!)
The image was fuzzy. Of course, that could have just been because of the light red glaze that covered the lens. A loud woo-pah was cut off halfway and was reduced to pitiful screams. A pool of red liquid began forming in front of the camera.
"Look, more ketchup!"
"Umm. . . Cloud. . ."
"Shh! I'm listening!"
The screams reached a higher pitch and an arm landed in front of the lens.
"My God!" Tifa swore. She could hear Red XIII retching behind her.
"What, Yuffie just fell down, is all."
Yuffie's head plunked down beside the lens.
"That's a neat trick."
Tearing noises could be heard in the background.
"Maybe she's having a pillow fight."
Yuffie's arm was dragged slowly away, leaving her head behind.
"EATEN!"
The screen faded to black.
Tifa turned to face Cloud. Surely he understood now?
"Oh well, I guess we'll just have to find the French fries ourselves!"
He skipped onwards.
Rufus looked around in the dusty mansion. It seemed appropriate. Now, where were his bloody Turks?
Behind him, a photosynthesizing menace lurked. Rufus turned to face it, meeting its gaze stare for stare.
And then, did the random evil finally meet an evil of equal caliber. Here, now stood, not the Diet Coke of evil, but the Root Beer. Barqs did indeed have bite.
Rufus reached into his back pocket and pulled out a can of fertilizer. The creature waddled forward, bowed its large, red head, and accepted the gift.
"NOT EATEN!" It said as it scurried away.
Rufus flipped his hair and muttered,
"Bloody cross-overs."
The library was huge. It contained hundreds of volumes. Naturally, the important one was open on the table.
"Wait here Cloud!"
"What?" Cloud, who only ever read Archie comics, was confused at the concept of a book.
"I think I understand now. . ."
"What have you found, Red?"
Red started muttering to himself as he read.
"Stomp not upon the red menace. . . Spiky. . . Mario. . ."
Behind him, a giant, oversized, plant rose up from the ground. It snatched Red XIII up and swallowed him whole.
"Oh, a tulip!" cried Cloud.
"EATEN!" answered the plant.
"Cloud. . ." Tifa said backing away slowly. "That is not a nice tulip."
"You mean it's. . . evil?"
"Yes."
Cloud drew his sword and struck a dramatic pose.
"FIGHT ON MY WARRIORS!"
Tifa grabbed him by the collar and started running. Cloud flailed his sword in the air, seeing the distance between him and his foe increase.
"Hah! Coward! You flee before my might!"
The piranha flower, not to be trifled with, decided that it would finish them now, once and for all. Being a plant though, it was inherently lazy. I mean, honestly, what do plants do all day? Sit around and soak up the sun, that's what! Heck, they even sleep for half the bloody year! Stupid plants. . . we're so better off without them. . . Yes *cough*, well, since it was a lazy plant it didn't really feel like fast food. Just then though, it remembered four tasty, blue-clad morsels.
Eventually, in his inebriated state, it had come upon Reno that he had had some sort of life before Liquor Land, as he had come to dub the wine cellar. So, grabbing several bottles of tequila, he had set out.
Reno and co. (as he liked to refer to them in his head) eventually made it to the library. There was a large, red patch in the middle of the floor.
"Ket'up." Tseng cried. "Where da 'ench flies?" Suddenly, his face scrunched up in a childlike look of confusion and started counting syllables on his fingers.
Reno, completely ignoring the chain of command, decided to organize a search of the premises. Well, actually, he just sort of stumbled around drunkenly before he came to a book suspiciously open on the table. Reading it, a miniature light bulb flashed over his head.
"I know what we have to do."
Reno, Elena, Rude, and Tseng all sat in a circle of white sand. Where, one would ask, did the white sand come from? From the convenient bottle marked "séance supplies" of course. At the four points of the compass sat the Turks, each holding a white candle. Elena, feeling sober enough to annoy Reno again, decided to ask,
"Reno, what the Hell are we doing?"
"Look, it's all in this book." he said, pointing to the full colour diagram. "We sit in a circle, with candles, and sing the magic song."
"Magic. . . song?"
"Yup." Reno coughed to clear his throat. "Kumbaya my lord. . . Kumbaya. . ."
"No, Reno. I am not singing Kumbaya."
"Come on, Tseng is into it."
Tseng was cabbage patching as he sang, realizing that Kumbaya's first line is a little like the first line of a haiku.
"Rude, help me out here."
". . ." Rude pulled out a tambourine from his back pocket. Elena groaned.
"I hate you Rude."
Reno nudged her and smiled ominously.
"Come on. What could happen?"
Three Turks broke into song. One accompanied them on tambourine. Beneath them, the house groaned in pain. . . Discord! Agony! Off key notes! WHHHHYYYY???
Elena sat up, holding her back.
"Owww. . ."
"Hmm." Reno said thoughtfully. "Who ever would have thought that the floor would cave in under us?"
"It must have been your stupid tambourine, Rude!" Elena yelled. Rude, hurt, clutched his tambourine to his chest. In the background, Tseng was still singing.
"Shut up!" screamed Elena.
"Quiet Elena! You'll bring the evil down on us!"
"God Reno! Like singing and crashing through the frickin' floor isn't gonna do it for me!" As she yelled her voice became more and more high pitched until she was finally shrieking at the poor Turk. Reno covered his ears and decided to weather the storm. *Man*, he thought, *I need a drink*. Then, remembering his many souvenirs from Liquor Land, he was happy.
Many floors above, the evil creature instantly recognized the screams of a blonde-haired individual, the tastiest of them all. It started to move downwards.
"Fuck!" Reno swore.
"What?"
"Read the paragraph four lines up!"
"What do you mean?"
"Damnit Elena! The narrator just said that the 'evil creature' had recognized the screams of a 'blonde-haired individual', the 'tastiest of them all'!"
"Oh God! Oh God! I'm gonna be transplanted! . . .Wait, what's a narrator?"
"We're wasting time here." Said a voice from behind them.
"Mr. President sir."
"Shut up Tseng."
"What are you doing here?" asked Elena.
"Laundry. Lots of it. We must go."
Further behind them, there came a multifoliate rustling.
"Oh shit." swore Reno.
"We're trapped! All there is down here is that large gate leading towards the moat."
Rude, recognizing it as him time to shine, stepped forward and examined the gate. Then, he cracked his knuckles and tossed his head from side to side. Ready, he kicked the gate with all of his might. It fell to pieces with a remarkable crash.
". . . Woo-pah."
". . .K. Now all we need is something to float to safety with." Reno scanned about the room, looking for anything useful.
"How's this?" said Tseng, dragging forward a very mauled, stuffed mog.
"Hey, I've seen somewhere before."
"No time Elena! Hop on!"
The Turks pushed the mog into the river and each lay across it. The rustling grew louder. Rufus tossed his hair before stepping gingerly onto the mog. He sat down on the Turks outstretched forms.
"All set sir?" asked Tseng.
"Shut up Tseng."
"Right away sir."
The rustling grew even louder. Then, from the shadows, they saw RandomCharacterZ running away from a huge, moving plant.
"Please!! Wait for me!!!"
Rufus casually flipped his hair, pulled out his shotgun, and shot the man in the head.
"Sorry. No more room."
The plant flailed at the edge of the water, making hissing noises. Then, he decided that one slightly dead snack was more appealing than a bath.
As the Turks watched the mansion fade into the distance, each felt that they should say something, well, slightly clichéd or melodramatic given that it was an ominous evil mansion that they were escaping. Tseng, however, thought or something better.
"The dark shadows creep. The leafy menace must eat. Liquor needed now."
". . ." Rude wiped his eyes and blew his nose loudly. Reno patted his slightly soggy superior on the back and offered some of the required tequila.
"You said it all, man. You said it all."
Tifa and Cloud skidded to a halt. The library doors had presented only a minimal challenge to one of Tifa's skill, but now they had reached the hallway. It stretched both to the left and the right, creating a daunting challenge for any who dared enter. Which way to go? To the left, the way they had come, were bright sunlight, bird song and it was strewn with flowers. To the right, there was darkness, bats, and ominous music. Tifa hesitated, but only a moment. Taking Cloud's hand she chose the only logical way; the right one.
For the second time in what was probably hours Tifa and Cloud stumbled to a screeching stop. Tifa looked around, thoroughly angry now.
"Damn! A room full of furniture covered with white sheets! Whoever would have thought that going up twenty one flights of stairs would lead us to a dead end?"
Cloud, being Cloud, decided to comfort Tifa after missing all the warning signals. They were bright red and flashing.
"Don't worry Tifa. You may have led us to our doom, but I'll protect you with my gunblade!" He began to fish around in his pockets.
"God damn it Cloud! This is FF7! You don't have a fucking gunblade!"
"Oh. . . not good." Then, with sudden insight, he began fashioning one out of toothpicks. Tifa would have wondered vaguely where the toothpicks came from, but at the moment her attention was needed elsewhere.
After scanning the room thoughtfully once again, Tifa turned to Cloud.
"Okay. I have a plan." Bending down, she grabbed Cloud's many rows of toothpicks.
"Hey, Tifa! I need those to stop the Lunatic Pan-"
"Not now, Cloud."
The thing was just about built. Using the hundreds of mysterious toothpicks and some of the tougher sheets Tifa had just about finished building her hang glider. She was just about to let Cloud have the first test flight (seeing as how he was the expendable one) when there was a knock at the door.
"Cloud, whatever you do, do NOT open that door."
Cloud, ignoring her completely, asked,
"Who is it?"
"EATEN!"
"Oh goody!" he said, rushing towards the door.
"NOOOOOO!"
Cloud and Tifa lay pressed against the huge window, the writhing plant just a few steps away. Tifa thought desperately. She looked over at Cloud, who was currently playing tic-tac-toe with himself in the dust on the window. Tifa looked back to her precious hang glider that was, unfortunately, behind the plant. Suddenly, she had an idea.
"Wait! Take him! He's BLONDE!"
The plant swiveled its red head towards Cloud, eyeing that yummy looking blonde hair, so full of protein.
"EATEN!" It snatched Cloud from the window and rushed down the hallway.
Tifa, laughing, grabbed her hang glider and flew to safety. Screams echoed behind her.
***
Vincent sighed contentedly. He imagined he could hear himself sizzling. A small clock timer chimed beside his lounge chair and Vincent dutifully turned over. He'd been at this for a good four days now but 30 years of pallor can take a long time to tan away. Suddenly, he heard a voice he recognized. He looked up to the boardwalk of Costa del Sol and saw none-other than Tifa Lockheart, arm in arm with.. Hmm, so that was how it turned out. Well, it was none of him business but it did explain quite a few things. Readjusting his sunglasses, Vincent settled back down, only a little bit hurt that the hussy would turn to *him* instead of seeking Vincent out. *After all*, he thought musingly, *she is pretty damn hot*. Amazing thing, silicone is.
Tifa laughed flirtatiously and clutched her partner's arm just a little bit tighter.
"Oh Sephy, I had no idea you were so funny!"
"Well, Mother always said I split her up!"
Tifa laughed even harder, really over doing it. She was *not* going to lose this one though. Practically all of the other characters had been killed off. She was not going to lose the last eligible bachelor on the Planet! Besides, she did dig guys with swords. The longer the better.
"Seriously though Tifa. Are you just using me as a meat shop because I happen to be the last eligible bachelor on the Planet and you are a frothing mass of long denied hormones?"
"Yes."
"All right then, just wanted to get that out of the way. Kiss me baby!"
Sephiroth leaned forward to kiss her, thinking to himself that he would finally be able to tell off all those other stupid humour writers that denounced him as a virginal mama's boy. Yes, finally he would kiss a girl! As he moved in closer, Tifa surprised him with a startled shriek.
"Cloud!" She cried.
"Cloud. . ." Sephiroth growled.
Yes, there stood our valiant hero, his hair oddly skewed, with his hand on his sword hilt, blue eyes flashing hatred.
"How ever did you survive, Cloud? I heard all those pitiful screams!"
"It wasn't easy. . ."
Welcome to FlashBackATRON-3000. For you viewing pleasure we present Chocobo- Boy the Magnificent, staring Cloud Strife and some random cross-over. Written and directed by Cloud Strife. Screenplay by Cloud Strife. Sound, lighting, stunts, and sound effects by Cloud Strife. Catering by Quina Qu (with the assistance of Cloud Strife). Enjoy the show!
*Giant cardboard cut out of a piranha plant walks onto the stage*
"Oh, I just would love to eat that radical blonde-haired Cloud! I wish I could be half as cool as he is!"
*Cardboard Tifa, with certain over-exaggerated features walks onto the screen*
"Eep! I must save myself from the evil leafy thing!"
*Cardboard Cloud, with a strange nimbus surrounding him, and a gunblade in hand, walks onto the screen*
"Tifa, please don't sacrifice me to save your own two-timing self."
*Cardboard hang glider appears on screen.*
"Sorry Cloud. I love you but I love me more! See ya!"
*Piranha plant cut out advances towards our hero*
"Yay! Finally I have a chance to be half as tubular as Cloud!"
*Piranha plant advances towards our hero. He waves about his gunblade. "
"I shall defeat thee, ye leafy menace!"
*Large red spot of ketchup appears on piranha plant*
"Ah! I have been defeated by your valiant might! Now, I must go and repent my sins."
*Fin*
"Umm. . . wow, Cloud. That was. . . nice."
Someone tapped Tifa on the shoulder. She turned around and smiled.
"Oh, hi RandomPresidentialAide6."
"Miss Lockheart, the President could not stand for this blatant misrepresentation of the truth. Shinra may be an evil corporation but we still uphold the values of truthful advertising. Please, enjoy the show."
Welcome to FlashBackATRON-3000. For your viewing pleasure we present Rufus Shinra's 'Too Stupid to be Eaten'. Staffed by countless of hapless minions. Enjoy the show.
The piranha plant edged in for the kill, savoring the smell of petrified blonde. It chomped down on the creature's head. Instead of that sweet, sweet, blonde taste, all it felt was pain!
"Ow! Ow! Ow!" It cried, spitting out the deceptive snack. "NOT EATEN!"
*Fin*
Sephiroth doubled over laughing.
"You were spat out by a plant because your head it too spiky!" He roared even louder.
"Shut up!" said Cloud, pouting. "But. . . what about the pitiful screams?"
"He messed up my HAIR!" Cloud screeched. Tifa, opportunistic as ever, slid away from Sephiroth and attached herself to Cloud's arm.
"Oh Cloudy, I'm so glad your safe." She cringed a little, realizing that she sounded like Aeris, but sacrifices sometimes had to be made for the greater good. Cloud, suddenly coming back to himself shook her off and yelled at her.
"You left me to be eaten Tifa! Why?"
"Ummm. . . Sephiroth made me do it."
"What?" Sephiroth asked, wiping tears from his eyes.
"You bastard," said Cloud. He drew his sword and pointed it directly at his nemesis.
"Ah crap," said Sephiroth. He then decided that this would be a good time to make his escape. He darted off running, Cloud chasing him, flailing his sword above his head.
***
RandomCharacterX stood proudly before the President. He alone had survived that awful night. Well, not entirely, but he had been the only one to remember the promised 1 million gil. Looking out at the assembled press, he said the speech that he had practiced all night.
"I'm so glad to be here! I'm living proof that people don't need to be bogged down by stereotypes! I may not be a valid character, or even have a real name but here I am, persevering! By accepting this money, I've finally broken free of the preconceptions against my people! Yes, now, random characters everywhere can stand up and be proud! No longer will we be killed out of turn! Truly, this is a great day in the history of the world!"
Stepping down from the podium, he turned to face the President and accept the huge wad of cash. However, right then, a huge, blue block fell from the sky, crushing him completely.
"SMOOSHEN!" It cried before it flew off again.
"My god," someone from the crowd cried. "He's dead!"
Rufus smiled secretively and stuffed the money back into its home in his coat pocket. He be damned if he was going to see anyone walk away with his money. He flipped his hair back and walked off stage.
***
"Hello? Is anybody there? Please, I'm stuck! There's dirt up to my waist and I can't move! Please? Somebody? I'll never garden again, I swear!"
From the shadows, two tiny lights could be seen.
"Help! I'm right here! Help!"
The lights were joined by more and more pairs. Only too late did Aeris realize that they were in fact, eyes. Fifteen little baby piranha plants surrounded the last surviving Cetra in a circle. As one, they began to chirp.
"Eaten, eaten, eaten."
"Oh poo."
THE END
(. . .But only because the authors were both EATEN!)
The Ominous Evil FanFic: EATEN!
"I'm pleased that you could all join us today. You're here, well, mostly because I don't really like you that much, but also because this will be the single most greatest television event in the history of the Planet!"
Rufus waited for applause and was disappointed when there was only a small spattering of them. Nonplussed, he flipped his blonde hair out of his face.
"This house in front of you is completely wired with state of the art video surveillance equipment that will be able to capture every single action that you participants will take. Your goal is simple: survive the night and a prize of 1 million dollars will be given to you."
Again, he waited for a surprised gasp but there was none. Someone in the back cried out,
"What's a 'dollar'?"
Rufus rolled his eyes expressively, pulled out his shotgun, and blasted the man in the head.
"Gil. 1 million gil. Oh, and that 1 million gil is going to be split between any survivors. So, that's one down."
A woman cried out from the back of the crowd.
"What exactly do you mean about 'survive'? Don't we just have to stay over one night? What could possibly go wrong?"
Rufus coughed to cover a slightly malicious smile.
"Nothing. Absolutely nothing."
He threw back his head and laughed, well, kinda evilly. An aide beside him nudged him and reminded him politely that he was supposed to gloat after all his hapless victims had been herded to their doom.
"Yes, quite. Well, good luck. Don't let the bed bugs bite!"
More evil laughter.
"What do you think?" Cloud asked looking back at the assembled members of AVALANCHE.
"It sounds peaceful," said Aeris.
"1 000 000 gil. Sounds good," agreed Cid.
". . ." Added Vincent.
"All right. Let's mosey." said Cloud, striking his fearless leader stance. Cid threw a small rock at him but it bounced harmlessly off his ridiculously well gelled hair.
Vincent looked at the group of people around him. *This is stupid*, he thought. He wheeled around, leaving them to what he surmised was a terrible fate. After all, Vincent was always the only one that ever listened to anyone's monologues.
Yuffie ran up the steps excitedly, twirling around.
"Woo-hoo! 1 000 000 gil! 1 000 000 gil! 1 000 000 -" Tifa threw a large rock at Yuffie, which she struck out of the air with a needlessly complicated ninja kick.
"Woo-pah!" Yuffie landed and did a Rufus style hair-flip throwing her. . . blonde hair?
"Hey Yuffie, when did you dye your hair?" Cloud asked.
"Last week. Doesn't it look cool?" She struck a pose she dubbed Blue Steel. Then, she got excited again and started waving around her brand new video camera that she had, um, borrowed, from its previous owner.
"Well, I think it's very becoming." Aeris said, smiling at the young ninja. "I mean, it's not like there's any sort of stereotype associated with blonde haired individuals. Right Cloudy-poo?"
"You're right Aeris. I mean, just listen to yourself and you're not even blonde." Tifa smiled sickeningly.
Aeris cocked her head sideways the way a confused animal might.
"We're wasting time here," growled Red XIII.
They entered the mansion. Sure, by all rights, there should have been some sort of ominous clash of thunder. . . Well, a few miles away, a cow mooed a little too loudly. Coincidence, I think not!
"I don't want any of them to leave that mansion alive, do you understand me?"
"Yes sir, Mr. President."
Reno rolled his eyes. Why was Tseng always so damn obsequious? Ooo, obsequious is a cool word.
"Hell no!"
Everyone turned to face Elena.
"I am NOT going into that stupid haunted mansion."
"Elena!" Tseng admonished.
"No, seriously, think about it. I'm BLONDE! BLONDE! Do you *know* what happens to blonde girls in haunted mansions? DO YOU!?"
Elena broke off, panting.
"Please, Elena, it's not like there's any sort of stereotype associated with blonde haired individuals." Rufus smiled oily and flipped his hair.
"Yeah right. I am NOT going in there! Never!"
"Very well," he said passing her a black wig. "Will this satisfy your feminine weakness?"
"Ooo. . . pretty color."
Reno rolled his eyes. He wanted a drink.
Cloud and co. (as he liked to refer to AVALANCHE in his head) entered the building. It was, well, a haunted mansion. You know the deal; lots of spider webs, too much dust, creaking floorboards, faucets only spouting Fruitopia, etc. etc.
"Nice place." Cloud had no idea why he said that. It was nowhere near what he would consider nice. Maybe random horror stories need random people to say strange random things that make no sense in context. Of course, it could just be sarcasm. Granted, sarcasm with bad acting skills but still sarcasm. Maybe we'll never know.
***
The clock struck one.
Behind the door, leaves rustled.
Two lanes over, a chocobo stepped on a bug.
Coincidence, I think not!
***
The great oaken doors shut behind our fearless party members. No one noticed of course that nobody had shut the door and, had they noticed, perhaps they would have been horrified; but FF characters being what they are. . .
They stepped over the welcoming mat that read 'Nobody leaves here alive!'. Each one scanned the large, dark and ominous entranceway thinking about the night to come. Aeris smiled happily.
"It's quaint!"
Cid was the first to notice the three extra people that had been following them since they left Rufus.
"Who the $%#& is that!?"
"Oh, don't mind them," reassured Red XIII. "They're just the random party members inserted into the story for the reader's entertainment. Gruesome deaths are all the rage."
"Do they have $#&@ing names?"
"I think they're RandomCharacterX, Y, and Z."
"Oh. . ."
The group moved on.
Cait Sith bent forward to tie his shoes. Then, too late, he realized that he had no shoes and that he was now too far to be reached by the group but that any scream that he would utter would reach them, probably as an echo.
Above him, the evil lurked.
"Did you hear that?" Aeris asked.
"What?" Cloud said, turning to face her.
"Well, it kind of sounded like a pitiful cat-like wail followed by. . . I don't know. . . a verb of some kind."
Yuffie looked back at Cloud.
"You mean like. . . EATEN?" Dramatic music echoed throughout the hallway.
"No. . ." Aeris said thoughtfully. "More like. . . TRANSPLANTED."
"Hey, has anyone seen Vincent?" Tifa asked.
"Oh my God! Vincent was transplanted!" Aeris screeched and ran to hide behind Cloud.
"I pity da foo," Barrett said, probably in a jealous rage because he had previously had no lines.
"Hey, where's the &^%#ing cat?" Cid asked.
"What cat?"
"You know, the fluffy one."
"Red XIII?" Cloud said, while trying to calm Aeris.
"I am not a cat and I am not fluffy."
"Wait, if you're not a cat then what are you?"
There was a long pause before Red replied.
"We're wasting time here."
"Achoo!" It seemed funny to Reno that Elena sneezed, well, like a girl.
"My uniform's all dusty," whined Tseng.
". . ."
"You're right Rude. I think we're getting closer."
"Remind me again Reno, why did we have to bother to go into a god forsaken haunted mansion to knock off people, who are probably going to die very soon, putting our very lives at risk?"
"Because it's our job." Reno said, striking his very best noble killer pose. Elena rolled her eyes. *He's so full of it*.
A girlish scream pierced the air.
". . .And another one's gone and another one's gone. Everyone bites the dust!" Reno chuckled as Elena punched him in the arm.
"EEEKKK! Spiders!"
Cloud jumped into Barrett's waiting arms. Yuffie, taking control of the situation, used her patented ninja stomp technique, squishing the enemy.
"Woo-pah!"
Barrett dropped Cloud onto Yuffie.
"I pity da foo," he said as he stomped off in disgust. It seems that nobody ever told Barrett that wandering alone in an evil mansion is, well, downright suicidal.
***
The clock struck four. Oh my god! This really is an evil house!
***
Barrett was slightly worried now. It hadn't been too bad when the hallway had just been dark, shadowy and had an ominous soundtrack. Adding a carnival house of mirrors was just getting out of hand though. When he reached the mirrors that distort people's features, he couldn't help but scream
"My figure! It's all gone to Hell!" Then, noticing that he had broken character, he muttered.
"I pity da foo."
Admiring himself in the mirror, he considered visiting that dress merchant that Cloud and Tifa had told him about one day. A body this good deserved to be shown in silk. Perhaps, this is the exact reason why vanity is a sin. Barrett never noticed the evil waddling up behind him.
"EATEN!!!!"
A terrible scream followed by a very loud verb echoed ominously through the dark hallway.
"Wow. Maybe Yuffie was right."
"Yes! Score for the ninja queen! Woo-"
"Finish that sentence and I will kill you. Seriously."
"Sorry Tifa. . . Please take your hand off my throat."
The ominous verb echoed through the ominous hallway again. Ominously.
"Ah! Someone else has been transplanted!" Aeris screeched and dove behind Cloud again. "Protect me please Cloud!"
"Of course Aeris for you are my one true love and. . ."
As Cloud went off on his monologue, the leafy evil snuck up and chomped down a tasty Cetra snack.
"EATEN!"
"What?" When Cloud spun around though there was nothing left of his love other than a shiny pink bow and an oversized, garishly green cartoon leaf.
"Well. . . maybe she went to the bathroom."
"Yes. . . the bathroom." Tifa couldn't contain herself though and began chuckling hysterically.
"I'll go look!" shouted Cid, seeing that, finally, he'd be able to get his chance in the spotlight. Stupid chocobo boy wouldn't steal the show today! He stormed off towards the bathroom.
Rufus looked around him, surprised to be alone. Damn, his attendants where all on lunch break and he had a load of laundry to do! Where were the bloody Turks when he needed them? Oh. . . yes. His fiendishly evil plan. Well, nothing to do but head into the mansion after them. After all, it wasn't like he was blonde or anything.
Cid looked around the bathroom for Aeris. He checked in the toilet bowl. He checked under the bath mat. He checked in the toothpaste. Nowhere. Then, he heard it. Something was breathing heavily behind the shower curtain. He threw it back, hoping to reveal Aeris' tiny form.
"EATEN!"
Afterwards, the large floral organism used Cid's spear as a toothpick.
"Reno, we're lost aren't we."
"No we're not."
"Yes we are."
"No we're not."
"Yes we are."
"Damnit Elena! If we're lost it's you're damn fault!"
"Why?"
"Because you're blonde!"
"Well, isn't Tseng supposed to be our leader?"
"Hell, all he's been doing for the last half hour is spout haikus!" Ooo. . . haiku.
"The frog jumped high, far. Splash into the deep pool. All is peaceful now."
". . ."
"Yeah, Rude, you're right. This blows."
"Shut up Elena."
"Why, what's wrong?"
"My liquor sense is tingling."
". . .um, what?"
"Alcohol, this way!"
***
Reno ran down the hallway as fast as he could. As a goose is driven south in the winter, as monarch butterflies can be sent off hundreds of miles in migration, so too now did Reno go. A force more powerful than money drove him deeper into the mansion. Liquor, in all of its glory, called him on.
He threw open the door at the end of the hallway. A bright light consumed him. He fell to his knees, tears in his eyes, and gave his thanks to God.
***
Reno was much more subdued now after twenty minutes of happy bar frolicking and two bottles of tequila. Ooo. . . tequila is yummy.
Elena had grabbed a bottle of everyone's favorite drink and was dancing around singing "If you like pina coladas."
Tseng was still trying to compose haiku with a vocabulary reduced to mama, and your.
Reno turned to Rude and slurred.
"Ya know, I wanna, know, is what I wanna know is what's with da ooos? I mean, I ain't no oooer. Ain't no. . . if it ain't me, den who da oooer. I wanna know is all. You da oooer?
". . ."
RandomCharacterY appeared from behind one of the hundreds of cases of liquor.
"Ooo sherry."
"Da oooer! Get 'im!"
All four drunken Turks converged on RandomCharacterY. From the shadows, a leafy menace muttered "BEATEN" in approval.
Yuffie was prancing along beside Cloud.
"You know, I'm just happy to be here! I mean, come on! I'm blonde, sixteen, and nobody likes me.
"I don't understand what's taking Aeris so long in the bathroom."
Tifa taking pity on the poor blonde boy tried to explain it to him.
"Cloud, in random horror stories, when people go off on their own they've pretty much been eaten. Or, maybe in Aeris' case, transplanted, but that's the best she can get."
During this long dull conversation, Yuffie had noticed a rusty, underused door. Seeing that Tifa, Cloud, and Red XIII were out of hearing distance, she decided to kick it down with a loud ninja 'Woo-pah'. It shattered with a thundering crash. Unfortunately, all that blonde hair dye must have gone to Yuffie's head because when she noticed the very ominous looking stairwell she turned on her video camera and headed down into the basement.
***
The clock struck one. Again. What the Hell is with this house?
***
Red XIII laid back his ears and his tail swished nervously.
"Something's not right." Cloud and his ever-diminishing co. headed forwards. There, in a giant pool of red liquid lay Yuffie's camera.
"Well that makes no conceivable form of sense." Tifa shrugged.
"Let's watch it."
"Why?"
"Well, it might show us where the French fries are."
"What the heck are you talking about Cloud?"
"Well, if she left her camera in a big pile of ketchup, then she must have had lots of French fries."
Not for the first time in his life, Red wished that he had hands so that he would have been able to hit Cloud in the back of the head. (Carefully of course because Cloud's head is sharp!)
The image was fuzzy. Of course, that could have just been because of the light red glaze that covered the lens. A loud woo-pah was cut off halfway and was reduced to pitiful screams. A pool of red liquid began forming in front of the camera.
"Look, more ketchup!"
"Umm. . . Cloud. . ."
"Shh! I'm listening!"
The screams reached a higher pitch and an arm landed in front of the lens.
"My God!" Tifa swore. She could hear Red XIII retching behind her.
"What, Yuffie just fell down, is all."
Yuffie's head plunked down beside the lens.
"That's a neat trick."
Tearing noises could be heard in the background.
"Maybe she's having a pillow fight."
Yuffie's arm was dragged slowly away, leaving her head behind.
"EATEN!"
The screen faded to black.
Tifa turned to face Cloud. Surely he understood now?
"Oh well, I guess we'll just have to find the French fries ourselves!"
He skipped onwards.
Rufus looked around in the dusty mansion. It seemed appropriate. Now, where were his bloody Turks?
Behind him, a photosynthesizing menace lurked. Rufus turned to face it, meeting its gaze stare for stare.
And then, did the random evil finally meet an evil of equal caliber. Here, now stood, not the Diet Coke of evil, but the Root Beer. Barqs did indeed have bite.
Rufus reached into his back pocket and pulled out a can of fertilizer. The creature waddled forward, bowed its large, red head, and accepted the gift.
"NOT EATEN!" It said as it scurried away.
Rufus flipped his hair and muttered,
"Bloody cross-overs."
The library was huge. It contained hundreds of volumes. Naturally, the important one was open on the table.
"Wait here Cloud!"
"What?" Cloud, who only ever read Archie comics, was confused at the concept of a book.
"I think I understand now. . ."
"What have you found, Red?"
Red started muttering to himself as he read.
"Stomp not upon the red menace. . . Spiky. . . Mario. . ."
Behind him, a giant, oversized, plant rose up from the ground. It snatched Red XIII up and swallowed him whole.
"Oh, a tulip!" cried Cloud.
"EATEN!" answered the plant.
"Cloud. . ." Tifa said backing away slowly. "That is not a nice tulip."
"You mean it's. . . evil?"
"Yes."
Cloud drew his sword and struck a dramatic pose.
"FIGHT ON MY WARRIORS!"
Tifa grabbed him by the collar and started running. Cloud flailed his sword in the air, seeing the distance between him and his foe increase.
"Hah! Coward! You flee before my might!"
The piranha flower, not to be trifled with, decided that it would finish them now, once and for all. Being a plant though, it was inherently lazy. I mean, honestly, what do plants do all day? Sit around and soak up the sun, that's what! Heck, they even sleep for half the bloody year! Stupid plants. . . we're so better off without them. . . Yes *cough*, well, since it was a lazy plant it didn't really feel like fast food. Just then though, it remembered four tasty, blue-clad morsels.
Eventually, in his inebriated state, it had come upon Reno that he had had some sort of life before Liquor Land, as he had come to dub the wine cellar. So, grabbing several bottles of tequila, he had set out.
Reno and co. (as he liked to refer to them in his head) eventually made it to the library. There was a large, red patch in the middle of the floor.
"Ket'up." Tseng cried. "Where da 'ench flies?" Suddenly, his face scrunched up in a childlike look of confusion and started counting syllables on his fingers.
Reno, completely ignoring the chain of command, decided to organize a search of the premises. Well, actually, he just sort of stumbled around drunkenly before he came to a book suspiciously open on the table. Reading it, a miniature light bulb flashed over his head.
"I know what we have to do."
Reno, Elena, Rude, and Tseng all sat in a circle of white sand. Where, one would ask, did the white sand come from? From the convenient bottle marked "séance supplies" of course. At the four points of the compass sat the Turks, each holding a white candle. Elena, feeling sober enough to annoy Reno again, decided to ask,
"Reno, what the Hell are we doing?"
"Look, it's all in this book." he said, pointing to the full colour diagram. "We sit in a circle, with candles, and sing the magic song."
"Magic. . . song?"
"Yup." Reno coughed to clear his throat. "Kumbaya my lord. . . Kumbaya. . ."
"No, Reno. I am not singing Kumbaya."
"Come on, Tseng is into it."
Tseng was cabbage patching as he sang, realizing that Kumbaya's first line is a little like the first line of a haiku.
"Rude, help me out here."
". . ." Rude pulled out a tambourine from his back pocket. Elena groaned.
"I hate you Rude."
Reno nudged her and smiled ominously.
"Come on. What could happen?"
Three Turks broke into song. One accompanied them on tambourine. Beneath them, the house groaned in pain. . . Discord! Agony! Off key notes! WHHHHYYYY???
Elena sat up, holding her back.
"Owww. . ."
"Hmm." Reno said thoughtfully. "Who ever would have thought that the floor would cave in under us?"
"It must have been your stupid tambourine, Rude!" Elena yelled. Rude, hurt, clutched his tambourine to his chest. In the background, Tseng was still singing.
"Shut up!" screamed Elena.
"Quiet Elena! You'll bring the evil down on us!"
"God Reno! Like singing and crashing through the frickin' floor isn't gonna do it for me!" As she yelled her voice became more and more high pitched until she was finally shrieking at the poor Turk. Reno covered his ears and decided to weather the storm. *Man*, he thought, *I need a drink*. Then, remembering his many souvenirs from Liquor Land, he was happy.
Many floors above, the evil creature instantly recognized the screams of a blonde-haired individual, the tastiest of them all. It started to move downwards.
"Fuck!" Reno swore.
"What?"
"Read the paragraph four lines up!"
"What do you mean?"
"Damnit Elena! The narrator just said that the 'evil creature' had recognized the screams of a 'blonde-haired individual', the 'tastiest of them all'!"
"Oh God! Oh God! I'm gonna be transplanted! . . .Wait, what's a narrator?"
"We're wasting time here." Said a voice from behind them.
"Mr. President sir."
"Shut up Tseng."
"What are you doing here?" asked Elena.
"Laundry. Lots of it. We must go."
Further behind them, there came a multifoliate rustling.
"Oh shit." swore Reno.
"We're trapped! All there is down here is that large gate leading towards the moat."
Rude, recognizing it as him time to shine, stepped forward and examined the gate. Then, he cracked his knuckles and tossed his head from side to side. Ready, he kicked the gate with all of his might. It fell to pieces with a remarkable crash.
". . . Woo-pah."
". . .K. Now all we need is something to float to safety with." Reno scanned about the room, looking for anything useful.
"How's this?" said Tseng, dragging forward a very mauled, stuffed mog.
"Hey, I've seen somewhere before."
"No time Elena! Hop on!"
The Turks pushed the mog into the river and each lay across it. The rustling grew louder. Rufus tossed his hair before stepping gingerly onto the mog. He sat down on the Turks outstretched forms.
"All set sir?" asked Tseng.
"Shut up Tseng."
"Right away sir."
The rustling grew even louder. Then, from the shadows, they saw RandomCharacterZ running away from a huge, moving plant.
"Please!! Wait for me!!!"
Rufus casually flipped his hair, pulled out his shotgun, and shot the man in the head.
"Sorry. No more room."
The plant flailed at the edge of the water, making hissing noises. Then, he decided that one slightly dead snack was more appealing than a bath.
As the Turks watched the mansion fade into the distance, each felt that they should say something, well, slightly clichéd or melodramatic given that it was an ominous evil mansion that they were escaping. Tseng, however, thought or something better.
"The dark shadows creep. The leafy menace must eat. Liquor needed now."
". . ." Rude wiped his eyes and blew his nose loudly. Reno patted his slightly soggy superior on the back and offered some of the required tequila.
"You said it all, man. You said it all."
Tifa and Cloud skidded to a halt. The library doors had presented only a minimal challenge to one of Tifa's skill, but now they had reached the hallway. It stretched both to the left and the right, creating a daunting challenge for any who dared enter. Which way to go? To the left, the way they had come, were bright sunlight, bird song and it was strewn with flowers. To the right, there was darkness, bats, and ominous music. Tifa hesitated, but only a moment. Taking Cloud's hand she chose the only logical way; the right one.
For the second time in what was probably hours Tifa and Cloud stumbled to a screeching stop. Tifa looked around, thoroughly angry now.
"Damn! A room full of furniture covered with white sheets! Whoever would have thought that going up twenty one flights of stairs would lead us to a dead end?"
Cloud, being Cloud, decided to comfort Tifa after missing all the warning signals. They were bright red and flashing.
"Don't worry Tifa. You may have led us to our doom, but I'll protect you with my gunblade!" He began to fish around in his pockets.
"God damn it Cloud! This is FF7! You don't have a fucking gunblade!"
"Oh. . . not good." Then, with sudden insight, he began fashioning one out of toothpicks. Tifa would have wondered vaguely where the toothpicks came from, but at the moment her attention was needed elsewhere.
After scanning the room thoughtfully once again, Tifa turned to Cloud.
"Okay. I have a plan." Bending down, she grabbed Cloud's many rows of toothpicks.
"Hey, Tifa! I need those to stop the Lunatic Pan-"
"Not now, Cloud."
The thing was just about built. Using the hundreds of mysterious toothpicks and some of the tougher sheets Tifa had just about finished building her hang glider. She was just about to let Cloud have the first test flight (seeing as how he was the expendable one) when there was a knock at the door.
"Cloud, whatever you do, do NOT open that door."
Cloud, ignoring her completely, asked,
"Who is it?"
"EATEN!"
"Oh goody!" he said, rushing towards the door.
"NOOOOOO!"
Cloud and Tifa lay pressed against the huge window, the writhing plant just a few steps away. Tifa thought desperately. She looked over at Cloud, who was currently playing tic-tac-toe with himself in the dust on the window. Tifa looked back to her precious hang glider that was, unfortunately, behind the plant. Suddenly, she had an idea.
"Wait! Take him! He's BLONDE!"
The plant swiveled its red head towards Cloud, eyeing that yummy looking blonde hair, so full of protein.
"EATEN!" It snatched Cloud from the window and rushed down the hallway.
Tifa, laughing, grabbed her hang glider and flew to safety. Screams echoed behind her.
***
Vincent sighed contentedly. He imagined he could hear himself sizzling. A small clock timer chimed beside his lounge chair and Vincent dutifully turned over. He'd been at this for a good four days now but 30 years of pallor can take a long time to tan away. Suddenly, he heard a voice he recognized. He looked up to the boardwalk of Costa del Sol and saw none-other than Tifa Lockheart, arm in arm with.. Hmm, so that was how it turned out. Well, it was none of him business but it did explain quite a few things. Readjusting his sunglasses, Vincent settled back down, only a little bit hurt that the hussy would turn to *him* instead of seeking Vincent out. *After all*, he thought musingly, *she is pretty damn hot*. Amazing thing, silicone is.
Tifa laughed flirtatiously and clutched her partner's arm just a little bit tighter.
"Oh Sephy, I had no idea you were so funny!"
"Well, Mother always said I split her up!"
Tifa laughed even harder, really over doing it. She was *not* going to lose this one though. Practically all of the other characters had been killed off. She was not going to lose the last eligible bachelor on the Planet! Besides, she did dig guys with swords. The longer the better.
"Seriously though Tifa. Are you just using me as a meat shop because I happen to be the last eligible bachelor on the Planet and you are a frothing mass of long denied hormones?"
"Yes."
"All right then, just wanted to get that out of the way. Kiss me baby!"
Sephiroth leaned forward to kiss her, thinking to himself that he would finally be able to tell off all those other stupid humour writers that denounced him as a virginal mama's boy. Yes, finally he would kiss a girl! As he moved in closer, Tifa surprised him with a startled shriek.
"Cloud!" She cried.
"Cloud. . ." Sephiroth growled.
Yes, there stood our valiant hero, his hair oddly skewed, with his hand on his sword hilt, blue eyes flashing hatred.
"How ever did you survive, Cloud? I heard all those pitiful screams!"
"It wasn't easy. . ."
Welcome to FlashBackATRON-3000. For you viewing pleasure we present Chocobo- Boy the Magnificent, staring Cloud Strife and some random cross-over. Written and directed by Cloud Strife. Screenplay by Cloud Strife. Sound, lighting, stunts, and sound effects by Cloud Strife. Catering by Quina Qu (with the assistance of Cloud Strife). Enjoy the show!
*Giant cardboard cut out of a piranha plant walks onto the stage*
"Oh, I just would love to eat that radical blonde-haired Cloud! I wish I could be half as cool as he is!"
*Cardboard Tifa, with certain over-exaggerated features walks onto the screen*
"Eep! I must save myself from the evil leafy thing!"
*Cardboard Cloud, with a strange nimbus surrounding him, and a gunblade in hand, walks onto the screen*
"Tifa, please don't sacrifice me to save your own two-timing self."
*Cardboard hang glider appears on screen.*
"Sorry Cloud. I love you but I love me more! See ya!"
*Piranha plant cut out advances towards our hero*
"Yay! Finally I have a chance to be half as tubular as Cloud!"
*Piranha plant advances towards our hero. He waves about his gunblade. "
"I shall defeat thee, ye leafy menace!"
*Large red spot of ketchup appears on piranha plant*
"Ah! I have been defeated by your valiant might! Now, I must go and repent my sins."
*Fin*
"Umm. . . wow, Cloud. That was. . . nice."
Someone tapped Tifa on the shoulder. She turned around and smiled.
"Oh, hi RandomPresidentialAide6."
"Miss Lockheart, the President could not stand for this blatant misrepresentation of the truth. Shinra may be an evil corporation but we still uphold the values of truthful advertising. Please, enjoy the show."
Welcome to FlashBackATRON-3000. For your viewing pleasure we present Rufus Shinra's 'Too Stupid to be Eaten'. Staffed by countless of hapless minions. Enjoy the show.
The piranha plant edged in for the kill, savoring the smell of petrified blonde. It chomped down on the creature's head. Instead of that sweet, sweet, blonde taste, all it felt was pain!
"Ow! Ow! Ow!" It cried, spitting out the deceptive snack. "NOT EATEN!"
*Fin*
Sephiroth doubled over laughing.
"You were spat out by a plant because your head it too spiky!" He roared even louder.
"Shut up!" said Cloud, pouting. "But. . . what about the pitiful screams?"
"He messed up my HAIR!" Cloud screeched. Tifa, opportunistic as ever, slid away from Sephiroth and attached herself to Cloud's arm.
"Oh Cloudy, I'm so glad your safe." She cringed a little, realizing that she sounded like Aeris, but sacrifices sometimes had to be made for the greater good. Cloud, suddenly coming back to himself shook her off and yelled at her.
"You left me to be eaten Tifa! Why?"
"Ummm. . . Sephiroth made me do it."
"What?" Sephiroth asked, wiping tears from his eyes.
"You bastard," said Cloud. He drew his sword and pointed it directly at his nemesis.
"Ah crap," said Sephiroth. He then decided that this would be a good time to make his escape. He darted off running, Cloud chasing him, flailing his sword above his head.
***
RandomCharacterX stood proudly before the President. He alone had survived that awful night. Well, not entirely, but he had been the only one to remember the promised 1 million gil. Looking out at the assembled press, he said the speech that he had practiced all night.
"I'm so glad to be here! I'm living proof that people don't need to be bogged down by stereotypes! I may not be a valid character, or even have a real name but here I am, persevering! By accepting this money, I've finally broken free of the preconceptions against my people! Yes, now, random characters everywhere can stand up and be proud! No longer will we be killed out of turn! Truly, this is a great day in the history of the world!"
Stepping down from the podium, he turned to face the President and accept the huge wad of cash. However, right then, a huge, blue block fell from the sky, crushing him completely.
"SMOOSHEN!" It cried before it flew off again.
"My god," someone from the crowd cried. "He's dead!"
Rufus smiled secretively and stuffed the money back into its home in his coat pocket. He be damned if he was going to see anyone walk away with his money. He flipped his hair back and walked off stage.
***
"Hello? Is anybody there? Please, I'm stuck! There's dirt up to my waist and I can't move! Please? Somebody? I'll never garden again, I swear!"
From the shadows, two tiny lights could be seen.
"Help! I'm right here! Help!"
The lights were joined by more and more pairs. Only too late did Aeris realize that they were in fact, eyes. Fifteen little baby piranha plants surrounded the last surviving Cetra in a circle. As one, they began to chirp.
"Eaten, eaten, eaten."
"Oh poo."
THE END
(. . .But only because the authors were both EATEN!)