Phase 28 (The Soul of the Soulless Part I)
from Buffy A. Summers' journal:
We buried Nancy on an open field on the borders of Sunnydale. The grave site was consecrated
and unmarked as to keep away the various demons that still populated the city. It was a small
funeral with only Giles, Oz, Larry and myself in attendance. Nancy's family had been killed on
the first demon wave and her other friends had long since fled or been turned.
Giles' eulogy made us all cry especially Oz who lay a dozen pink roses across the grave. We
said our final goodbyes as the sun was setting. Each of us carried a weight in our heart for this
really amazing girl who had been friend and fighter to the very end.
It was dark by the time we returned to the complex. We were to go on patrol around midnight
but for now we had a few hours to ourselves. As usual I spent whatever free time I had with
Spike.
He was sleeping in our bed, buried under half a dozen blankets. It seemed that ever since I'd
gotten him back he did nothing but sleep. I would have to force him to wake up and drink some
blood but he had a habit of not being able to keep it down. Giles said to give his system time to
adjust as he had been starved during his time in the Master's lair. This worried me. A lot.
Spike was changed. His formerly cocky blue eyes had a lost and haunted look that broke my
heart. His body was bruised and so thin that his bones showed. I repaired the damage as much
as I could but it seemed that I could do nothing for his emotional state.
He would have terrible nightmares that almost brought down the house with the loudness of his
screams. I would hold him then and rock him like a child while making promises that I had no
way of keeping because I could not fix it, no matter what I tried.
So I slept by his side, tended to his every need and prayed every night for some kind of ease to
his torment but how could I slay memories?. They have no form or body. I wished I could kill
Xander and Willow all over again but even then it would not change anything except ease my
own frustration.
About a month after I had gotten him back I returned to patrol to find him standing by our closet
putting on the black leather duster that I had worn to face the Master. My heart caught in my
throat at seeing him like his old self. It seemed that everything was going to be okay after all.
But he wouldn't meet my eyes. In a voice devoid of emotion he told me that he was going to
return to New York. I was stunned. He knew that I could not leave Sunnydale yet if ever. The
main vampires had pretty much been vanquished but there were still many others left just
waiting to fill the ranks. I told him as much.
"I can't go to New York, the gang still needs me" I said in my most resolute tone trying not to let
my nervousness show..
He nodded. "I know. If you go now things are just going to return to the way they were before.
The Hellmouth needs its guardian"
"But then.."
"I'm going alone"
"No" I whispered, barely getting the word out
He turned away and looked down "I think its for the best"
I felt a sinking feeling in my gut. He wanted to leave me.
"Is it because you blame me for what's happened to you? I know that it was all my fault and that
you suffered because of it but if you let me..."
"I don't blame you Buffy. I made my own decisions and my own choices. It just happened and
there is nothing you or I could do to change that. This has changed me and I need to get away
from you before it changes you too"
"But I love you..." I whispered
"I love you too Slayer but I don't think we are going to be alright. I'm not the same man you fell
in love with"
"Spike this is you. No matter how you feel right now you are still you. You only need a little
time"
"I wish you were right but this is something that you or I can fix. There is no solution, no
answer. Its just so bloody...hard" he finished brokenly.
I felt like the breath had been sucked from my lungs. My throat burned. What good was it that I
had defeated the Master if I lost the most important person in my life.
He understood my reaction and drew me into his arms. His lips brushed my hair as I cried
soaking the leather of his coat.
"Shhh, luv its all for the best. You're gonna be fine"
"And you?"
"I'll just be" he answered softly.
***
In the end he agreed to stay on for a few more days until he was stronger. I knew what I had to
do.
***
Getting Giles to help me was not easy. He was all reluctant about using magic since it could be
very unstable in the Hellmouth. I used everything that I had to convince him even taking him on
a guilt trip. At the end he was no match for a determined Slayer.
The preparations were very complicated and most of the stuff we needed could not be found in
Sunnydale but somehow we managed to assemble everything. Then there was the question of
timing but even that worked out for us.
On Samhain I became Willow Rosenberg.
TBC.
from Buffy A. Summers' journal:
We buried Nancy on an open field on the borders of Sunnydale. The grave site was consecrated
and unmarked as to keep away the various demons that still populated the city. It was a small
funeral with only Giles, Oz, Larry and myself in attendance. Nancy's family had been killed on
the first demon wave and her other friends had long since fled or been turned.
Giles' eulogy made us all cry especially Oz who lay a dozen pink roses across the grave. We
said our final goodbyes as the sun was setting. Each of us carried a weight in our heart for this
really amazing girl who had been friend and fighter to the very end.
It was dark by the time we returned to the complex. We were to go on patrol around midnight
but for now we had a few hours to ourselves. As usual I spent whatever free time I had with
Spike.
He was sleeping in our bed, buried under half a dozen blankets. It seemed that ever since I'd
gotten him back he did nothing but sleep. I would have to force him to wake up and drink some
blood but he had a habit of not being able to keep it down. Giles said to give his system time to
adjust as he had been starved during his time in the Master's lair. This worried me. A lot.
Spike was changed. His formerly cocky blue eyes had a lost and haunted look that broke my
heart. His body was bruised and so thin that his bones showed. I repaired the damage as much
as I could but it seemed that I could do nothing for his emotional state.
He would have terrible nightmares that almost brought down the house with the loudness of his
screams. I would hold him then and rock him like a child while making promises that I had no
way of keeping because I could not fix it, no matter what I tried.
So I slept by his side, tended to his every need and prayed every night for some kind of ease to
his torment but how could I slay memories?. They have no form or body. I wished I could kill
Xander and Willow all over again but even then it would not change anything except ease my
own frustration.
About a month after I had gotten him back I returned to patrol to find him standing by our closet
putting on the black leather duster that I had worn to face the Master. My heart caught in my
throat at seeing him like his old self. It seemed that everything was going to be okay after all.
But he wouldn't meet my eyes. In a voice devoid of emotion he told me that he was going to
return to New York. I was stunned. He knew that I could not leave Sunnydale yet if ever. The
main vampires had pretty much been vanquished but there were still many others left just
waiting to fill the ranks. I told him as much.
"I can't go to New York, the gang still needs me" I said in my most resolute tone trying not to let
my nervousness show..
He nodded. "I know. If you go now things are just going to return to the way they were before.
The Hellmouth needs its guardian"
"But then.."
"I'm going alone"
"No" I whispered, barely getting the word out
He turned away and looked down "I think its for the best"
I felt a sinking feeling in my gut. He wanted to leave me.
"Is it because you blame me for what's happened to you? I know that it was all my fault and that
you suffered because of it but if you let me..."
"I don't blame you Buffy. I made my own decisions and my own choices. It just happened and
there is nothing you or I could do to change that. This has changed me and I need to get away
from you before it changes you too"
"But I love you..." I whispered
"I love you too Slayer but I don't think we are going to be alright. I'm not the same man you fell
in love with"
"Spike this is you. No matter how you feel right now you are still you. You only need a little
time"
"I wish you were right but this is something that you or I can fix. There is no solution, no
answer. Its just so bloody...hard" he finished brokenly.
I felt like the breath had been sucked from my lungs. My throat burned. What good was it that I
had defeated the Master if I lost the most important person in my life.
He understood my reaction and drew me into his arms. His lips brushed my hair as I cried
soaking the leather of his coat.
"Shhh, luv its all for the best. You're gonna be fine"
"And you?"
"I'll just be" he answered softly.
***
In the end he agreed to stay on for a few more days until he was stronger. I knew what I had to
do.
***
Getting Giles to help me was not easy. He was all reluctant about using magic since it could be
very unstable in the Hellmouth. I used everything that I had to convince him even taking him on
a guilt trip. At the end he was no match for a determined Slayer.
The preparations were very complicated and most of the stuff we needed could not be found in
Sunnydale but somehow we managed to assemble everything. Then there was the question of
timing but even that worked out for us.
On Samhain I became Willow Rosenberg.
TBC.