Disclaimer: Do I have to go over this again? NOT MINE!
A/N: Okay, so here it is. Sorry it took a while for the update. The chapter was actually pretty much written a day or so ago, but I came down with this horrible cold all out of the blue on Monday and it's all I could do to go to function during the day. By the time I got home, I was exhausted. And again, it was one of those chapters, where I got all confused in my head as to the order of what I wanted to happen, so I had to wait until I was a little more clear headed so I could edit this chapter, change the next chapters and make sure it all flowed together. But, well, it does. And the good news is that I have the next two chapters written down…on paper. I still need to type them and edit them so it won't be posted today, but hopefully tomorrow or if not, no later than Friday! I promise!
About this chapter: Well, mostly this is where I attempted to explain what Kag's thinking about her situation right now. It's my attempt at an explanation as to why she's doing what she's doing. (If that doesn't make sense, forgive me…medications, remember?)
Well, just a warning…I'm still kinda high on antibiotics for the infection in my throat and cold medicine for the cold, so there's a probability this chapter doesn't sound as good to you all as it does to me right this moment…but, oh, well…enjoy!
Thanks:
Fairies Hope: YEY!! You get a great big bag-o-cookies! You're the only one that guessed! (Or that wrote me that guessed, anyway) Wow! You're good! I didn't think anyone would guess! Especially since I didn't mention her at all. How'd you do it? ::imitating Ms. Scarlet from "Clue":: Who are you? Perry Mason?
Aeyikie: I'm so happy when I get repeat offenders! People who write me more than once. I LOVE that! Thanks! I'm having a ball writing the story. Poor Mirouku, though, I don't think he got much of a chance to do anything much during his dance with Sango, but don't worry…he'll redeem himself a little here! ::grin::
Inuyasha luver: tried to update sooner, really I did, but I couldn't think straight by the time I got home enough to edit the last chapter (see above). Thanks so much for wanting more, though and I hope this satisfies! ^_^
Angel Moon: ::blushing:: Aw, shucks! I haven't gotten that many votes, but the votes I did get were to do the whole songfic, so I probabl will, but I've got two more chappies on paper that I want to type and get out first before I go back to that one, so that'll give 'em more time to vote, no?
Shiroryu of the Moon: Thanks for voting! Like I told Angel Moon, you two were the only ones that did and both said I should do the songfic. I probably will, but since I have two more chappies to type, I figure that'll give people time to vote. Chapter 9 will probably be a kind of songfic, though, so even if 6 doesn't make it, you'll have that one! You did tell me! Thanks for believing in me and helping my fragile ego! Keep reading!
Sailor Universe: Hello, old friend! ^_^ Well, hope this chapter doesn't disappoint. You'll love the next one, though, so please stick around! Thanks for sticking it out up till now! :)
Chapter 7: Breathe
"I'm alright, I'm alright / It only hurts when I breathe."
-Breathe, Greenwheel
Kagome took in lungful after lungful of air as she tried to prevent the tears from overwhelming her. She just had to concentrate on breathing. She was useful-sometimes necessary but no different than Kikyo. Those were his words. She hadn't heard the beginning of the conversation between Mirouku and Inuyasha but as she came up behind them from the bar, bearing gifts of drinks, she heard that part loud and clear. Part of her wanted to believe the part of the conversation she hadn't heard might change the meaning, but her rational mind knew better.
'Well,' she told herself. 'Wasn't that about the way you thought it was?' She looked down at the drinks still in her hands and frowned. Bringing the orangey one up to her lips, she drowned it without coming up for air. She took another deep breath as the alcohol burned down her throat. It steadied her, helped to clear her mind and clear the tears. 'Nothing has changed,' she reasoned. She still had to run her experiment. She had never really doubted his feelings-it was hers she needed to sort out so that she could deal with them.
She wondered if his declaration might have sorted it out for her, but discarded the thought. She was still as confused as ever. If she couldn't figure out what she felt for him, then how would she manage letting go?
"There you are!"
Kagome turned to find Sango standing at the door of the balcony, grinning. "I thought you were supposed to go to…" the grin fell as she caught the shadow of pain flit on her friend's face.
"I needed some air," Kagome said, pushing down her thoughts and smiling brightly. It was almost like flipping a switch. She'd had plenty of practice, hadn't she?
Unfortunately, Sango didn't buy it.
Sango came further into the balcony and looked at her friend. "Alright," Sango says seriously. "So what's going on?" Kagome cocked her head to the side as if she didn't understand. "Why are you acting so strange?"
Kagome smiled but shrugged. "I don't know what you mean?"
"Well to start with," Sango motioned around them. "All of this."
Kagome shrugged again. "This is what a normal girl does in my time, Sango," she said. "And its what I did, too-until I had no time to, anymore."
Sango was silent for a few moments, thinking about the implications of Kagome's words. She hadn't really thought about what Kagome had given up to join their quest, not really a part of their time but having to sacrifice her time, ostracizing herself from her friends and the activities she enjoyed.
"I'm sorry, Kagome," Sango said softly.
Kagome looked surprised. "For what?"
"For taking for granted everything you've given up, for…" she lowered her head, ashamed. "For not even realizing that there might be another side to you, I'm sorry."
Kagome blinked back tears at her friend's earnest realization. "Hey, Sango, it's alright," Kagome said, patting her hand. "There was no reason for you to know that I liked to dance or drank occasionally," she motioned to the second cup, now half full, in her hand. 'Now, when did I drink that?' she half wondered.
"That's not the problem," Sango insisted. "The problem is that it never occurred to me that you might enjoy doing something else other than yell at Inuyasha and chase jewel fragments." She shook her head. "I never went any further and all the while I considered myself your friend."
It touched her that she was worried about such a trifle. Kagome smiled at her. "It's alright, Sango, really it is." She shook her head. "We haven't really had time to think of much else but jewel fragments." She shrugged. "For the record, I do like more than yelling at Inuyasha." She thought about it for a moment, and felt the laughter bubble up to her throat. She tried to suppress it, but couldn't…she giggled. "Although that is fun, too."
Sango looked at her for a few moments then giggled too.
Kagome nodded, the giggles turning into chuckles. "Although it might not be as fun as it is knocking Mirouku around, huh?"
Sango's eyes widened, and she was going to deny it when a picture of Mirouku's surprised look came into her mind. Her laughter erupted, confirming Kagome's statement.
"Well," Kagome declared as soon as the laughter subsided. "I know what we're going to do." She looked at Sango triumphantly. "I'm going to show you my other favorite thing I like to do," she cooed.
"Which is?"
Kagome's eyes glittered in excitement as she took in a deep breath, drawing out the moment. "SPA DAY!" She took Sango's hand in hers and practically jumped up and down in excitement. "It'll be great. We'll do it tomorrow. You'll love it, trust me!"
Sango lifted her eyebrows. "Spa Day?" she asked questioningly.
Kagome beamed. "If you like the hot springs, you will *adore* a Spa Day."
Sango smiled. "Alright, if you say so," she shrugged. "I've liked everything else you've recommended so far."
Kagome smiled and handed Sango the cup still in her hands. Sango took it and sipped. "We can have all the girl talk we can handle without worrying about prying ears."
"Which brings me to the second thing," Sango started, getting serious again. "We haven't really had time to talk about the witch's declaration, but you've been acting a little strange since we left the village…" she handed Kagome the cup again and watched as she drank from it almost absently. "Are you alright?"
Kagome shrugged. "Well, it's not everyday you get told that Death is coming for you."
Sango nodded. "Granted, but is that all that's bothering you?"
Kagome looked at Sango and smiled wryly. She knew she could tell her that it was and Sango wouldn't pry. She might not believe her, but she would wait for her to tell her if she wanted to. "No-" she answered. "More than that…" she looked off at the city sprawled beneath them, the twinkling lights a brighter reflection of the stars above.
Kagome exhaled audibly. "I was scared…" she trailed off. "Really scared."
"That's understandable," Sango said. "I was scared too, and the prediction wasn't even about me."
Kagome shook her head. "No, more than just the regular type of scared…" Kagome tried to explain, but faltered. "I don't know how to explain it other than…" she trailed off and looked at her friend. "You see this life…" she motioned around her. "I was always rather independent, you know?" she asked. "I never really had to depend on anybody to do something. I was lucky enough to have friends who would usually help me out if they could, but if they couldn't," she shrugged. "I would make do, resolve the problem somehow." She sighed. "But since I've been going back to your time…there I can't resolve the situation on my own…there…" she trailed off and looked out over the city again. "I need help."
"So, what's wrong with that?" Sango challenged. "That's what friends are for." She shook her arm a little. "Even we exterminators knew there was strength in numbers and relied on one another for help."
Kagome nodded. "Yes, but you each pulled your own weight." Kagome reached out a hand to stop Sango from arguing. "I know that you're meant to be able to depend on friends, Sango, and I'm so glad that I've found friends I can depend on. I can rely on Inuyasha to come after me and save me if I'm in trouble, I can rely on Mirouku and you to help me should I be attacked, but…"
"What?" Sango prompted.
"There's a difference between depending on someone and needing them because you can't…" Kagome looked at Sango and she looked lost. Confused. "I can't rely on myself."
Sango laughed. "Oh, Kagome, that's ridiculous."
Kagome shook her head. "It's not, Sango, it's very true." She insisted. "You remember what Inuyasha said to the woman when she said that death was coming for me?"
Sango nodded. "He said we had beaten death back before."
Kagome nodded. "I was so scared when the old woman told me that death was coming after me. And you know what my first thought was, after I realized what she meant? Before Inuyasha actually spoke?" Sango shook her head. "It was that it would be alright because Inuyasha would save me."
Sango met her eyes but didn't know quite what to say…her meaning was becoming clear.
"Which wouldn't be that bad under normal circumstances…you see," Kagome continued. "I started to feel this warm fuzzy feeling, like I was protected and cared for, and that's a great feeling to have, but…" Kagome shook her head. "Not all the time…not under these circumstances."
"What circumstances?" Sango questioned.
Kagome shrugged. "I'm not the damsel in distress kind of girl, Sango, I never have been, except since I came here." She sighed. "That warm fuzzy feeling is addictive, it tells you that you don't have to do anything, that everything will be taken care of…it makes you soft and…and easy to hurt when it ends." She looked Sango straight in the eye. "And it will end. Inuyasha's made clear of that, hasn't he?"
"You don't know…"
Kagome cut her off, laughing. "Yes I do, Sango." She shrugged again, as if none of it mattered. "But what the old woman said after is what really scared me," she continued after a short silence.
"That we couldn't help you."
Kagome nodded. "And it scared me because I realized that Inuyasha had lied about us beating death back before. *We* hadn't…*he*," she emphasized, motioning to where Inuyasha was still inside the club. "had and *you*," she pointed at Sango. "and Mirouku…all of you have, but…" she trailed off. "not me," she finished softly. "Now what am I supposed to do, Sango?" Kagome asked. "I'm dependent on him, like a bad habit, like a drug, and when I realized because of the woman's words that I couldn't clutch at him, that he wouldn't be able to help me, my first thought was that I was as good as dead. I felt like someone had ripped away my life line." Kagome looked almost angry. "I shouldn't feel that way, damnit!" she exclaimed. "I shouldn't feel that dependent on Inuyasha when he's made it clear that he won't be sticking around once he's got what he needs." She lowered her head. "*That's* what really scared me…that I was dependent on Inuyasha as if he were the very life line that kept me alive and the realization that he wouldn't always be there…that I'd have to go back to taking care of myself, but…" she trailed off and sighed. "But I wasn't sure that I'd be able to again." She swallowed hard. "It was then that I realized that I'm no good to you guys except as a shard detector, that otherwise I'm baggage you carry around…useless."
Sango gasped at Kagome's heart-felt declaration. "You are not!" she exclaimed. "How could you possibly think that? You are so much more!"
Kagome smiled sadly at her. "I know you consider me a friend, Sango, and for that I'm really very grateful because I consider you a friend too. But you can't deny that I'm no good in a fight…" she laughed dryly. "Even Kilala is better in a fight than I am."
"That's not true," Sango insisted, tears coming to her eyes at the feeling behind Kagome's words. "You have saved our lives countless times, Kagome!" she pointed out. "Don't make me start bringing up times, because I could go all night."
Kagome chuckled at Sango's attempt at levity. The smile faded and she shrugged. It was a shrug of acceptance, of surrender. "Sure with my trusty bow and arrow and the miko power I stole from…" she almost frowned, already tasting the bitterness of the word even before it was uttered. "From Kikyo, but…" she shook her head and swallowed the bitterness down. "But not like you, or Mirouku, or even little Shippou." She shrugged. "I'm prey more often than I'm predator…something to protect, someone to get out of the way…a liability."
"This is because of what Inuyasha said, isn't it?" Sango demanded.
"No," Kagome answered softly. "Not really." She shook her head. "It's because I realized that if Death came for me you'd all be in harm's way and without really being able to do anything to stop it." She smiled and it was genuine.
Sango raised her eyebrows. "Is that really the only reason?" she asked sagely.
Kagome's lips turned into a mix between a frown and a smile. "Well," she spoke. "It might have a little more to do with Inuyasha, but not because of what he said," she admitted.
"Then why?"
She was quiet for a long time. She hadn't ever really tried to put a finger on what it was, she had only ever felt it and here was Sango asking her to explain it? She wasn't sure she understood it herself. She knew that if she told Sango this, her friend would drop the question, but shouldn't she be asking the question? Shouldn't she be thinking of the question that she hadn't really allowed herself to voice? Didn't she tell herself that explorations like that were exactly what she would devote tonight to?
"Because I guess I want to see how addicted I really am," Kagome finally answered simply. "I came away from him because I wanted to see, back in my own time, in my own life, normal as it were, if I…" she sighed, trailing off.
"If you still thought about him?" Sango completed for her.
"Yeah, I guess." Kagome shrugged. "If I needed him."
"And we kind of ruined your experiment, didn't we?" Sango asked sheepishly.
Kagome laughed, brightening almost instantly. "Just a little, but it's okay. I'm glad you're here." She squeezed her hand. "And it gives me a chance to test another hypothesis regarding the same situation."
"So, what's the test?" Sango asked.
"Well, I keep telling him to go, that I don't need him. I guess I'm testing if I really mean it or not and testing if he really means it or not." She cocked her head to the side. "I guess I'm testing how long I can go without my fix."
Sango thought of something. "You know, if it's any consolation, he was the first one down the well…he didn't want you to be in danger without him, he didn't care if we came along or not."
"Huh," Kagome thought. His words still stung her soul when she thought about them, but she didn't let herself think about them. But she was still confused. "That's just what I mean. Why does he care? He's confusing the hell out of me," she admitted. "I'm not even sure why I…" she couldn't finish the sentence. "Why I care," she spoke. "Is it only because he can protect me? Because of that warm fuzzy feeling? Or is it something deeper? What am I really attracted to…" she trailed off and shrugged, exasperated. "I just don't know anything anymore."
"I don't understand why you two just…" Sango stopped at the faraway look on Kagome's face. She was listening for something else.
"So, Eri seems to be having a really good time, don't you think?" Kagome asked, her tone lighthearted and free, as if they had not been discussing anything more serious than fashion or music.
"What?" Sango asked, clearly confused.
Kagome smiled and shook her head. She met her friend's eyes and signaled furtively to the door. Sango's eyes opened wide as she understood then narrowed in fury. She turned to give them a piece of her mind but Kagome's hand stopped her.
Kagome smiled at her and signaled for quiet.
"Yes, I do believe she is," Sango answered, still confused, wondering why Kagome hadn't wanted her to give the eavesdroppers a piece of her mind.
"I think we should go back now, Sango, don't you?"
Sango stopped Kagome from walking. "Not yet," she said a mischievous gleam in her eye. "Not before you tell me what was going on between you and that guy."
Kagome tried to avoid blushing. She knew exactly whom Sango was speaking of. She tried to glare at her, but the encouraging smile on Sango's face made her plan abundantly clear. "You mean Houjo?" Kagome asked clearly, deciding to play along.
+~+~+~+~
'So it *was* that hobo freak!' Inuyasha thought angrily. When he got a hold of him, he'd…
"Ha!" Mirouku whispered, interrupting his thoughts. "I told you they'd talk about him!" He rubbed his hands together impishly. "It seems we found them just in time for the juicy stuff."
"Why should I care?" Inuyasha whispered back.
"Fine," Mirouku said blandly. "So, lets go."
Inuyasha's arm struck before the monk could even realize he had moved. "Idiot, we need to stay to protect her," Inuyasha answered.
Mirouku smiled. "Ah, yes, of course." He knew better than to point out the fact that Inuyasha could smell it if she was in trouble, even if he couldn't hear her. He didn't know how he could do it with so many people round, but he obviously could since he had found them easily enough.
Inuyasha relished the time away from the crush of people and al the stimuli affecting his senses. Out here there was nothing interrupting his senses and he could clearly make out Kagome's scent, even though it was tinged with other scents…that of the other people with whom she danced, Sango's, Mirouku's. She smelled of excitement and happiness and…fear and worry and sadness underlying it all, but buried. Still, she was full of adrenaline. Oh, he could tell if she was scared even inside that hell mouth they call a dance-floor but out here there was just her.
'Damn,' Inuyasha thought, hearing their laughter. He had been too wrapped up in her scent to listen for their conversation. 'Wrapped up in her scent…now there's a thought…'
He mentally shook himself. 'Damn!' he growled low in his throat.
+~+~+~+~+~
"He is cute, isn't he?" Kagome asked.
"He's adorable," Sango agreed.
"And he's sweet, and sensitive, and caring, and attentive…"
"Well, Inuyasha," Mirouku said sadly. "There you are, there's no way you can compete with that."
Inuyasha resisted the urge to hit him because the noise might alert Kagome.
"No, I don't," Kagome responded to the unheard question. Inuyasha glared at Mirouku again for making him miss another part of the conversation. "Although sometimes I think that maybe I haven't given him enough of a chance."
Inuyasha's eyes narrowed into slits, but other than that, he didn't move.
"But you don't love him, do you?" Sango insisted.
Inuyasha's ears flicked but he still remained immobile.
"No," Kagome stated simply. "But maybe I should give him a chance…sometimes love grows, doesn't it?"
Sango looked into her friends' eyes and knew she wasn't playacting. She was serious. All mischievousness left her eyes. "No, Kagome, I don't think so."
Kagome raised her eyes to meet Sango, then looked out onto the view of the city. "What do you mean?"
"I think love just is," she said quietly. "It's not something you can learn or get rid of- sometimes you might suddenly realize that you love someone or sometimes as you get to know the person you get more comfortable with them so you can admit it to yourself so it seems like its been a slow process, or the love you feel gets stronger or weaker but if you love someone its from the first time you see him—sometimes you just don't know it until later."
Sango gasped as Kagome's arms encircled her waist. Kagome gave her a quick hug then pulled away before Sango could react. "Thank you, Sango," Kagome smiled at her.
"For what?" she asked, clearly bewildered.
"For speaking from your heart," Kagome's smile grew. "For being my friend."
Sango smiled. "I should say the same to you."
Kagome grinned. "Great we agree that we're friends, "she winked. "Now, I think we really aught to get back before Eri thinks I've left her again." She looked down at the cup still in her hands and found it burdensome. There was only about a third left of it so she drowned it and left the cup on the balustrade.
Sango laughed as Kagome shrugged then started to walk back into the club. On impulse, she stopped Kagome from walking away by tugging on her hand. Kagome turned back to look at her. "You are indispensable to us," she whispered earnestly.
Kagome swallowed to avoid letting the tears escape that were threatening to well up. She took a deep breath and squeezed Sango's hand meaningfully. "That means so much to me."
Sango knew she meant what she said, and she knew that Kagome could feel the truth of it. The question was, did Kagome believe it herself?
+~+~
A/N: Okay, so what'd you guys think? Fair? Okay? Rocked? Did it answer some of the questions? Explain why Kagome was acting the way she is? Make you more confused? Sound stupid? Come on, gimme some feedback here, people! Sheesh! (To all those of you who have given me feedback, thank you, but I need more!!) Not to sound greedy or anything, but…well…I guess I am! ;)
Oh, yeah. And the voting is still going for making chapter 6 a full songfic featuring "Sexual" by Amber with Kagome and the girls teasing the hell out of our favorite guys…I've only gotten two votes so far and they both go for songfic, so if you don't want a songfic, you better get your votes in and lemme know!
I've decided that after I post chapter 9 I will start work on incorporating the songfic if I get enough votes for it, so I guess you've all got until then to send in your votes.
Oh, and one more thing: Y'all can feel free to comment on my choice of titles, too or offer up suggestions…I'm all up for that stuff. g