Hurt
"It took a while for us to get out of the Ministry", Tonks muttered to Snape when they met that evening. She was looking very dispirited and sad. She also still had a bit of dried blood on her forehead and in her short, pink hair. Snape couldn't blame her. Even if he never had had much love for Sirius, he could understand how the loss of him affected the ones that had loved him. "You know, the Death Eaters had to be given to the Aurors and all before we were able to go." She sighed sadly and ran her fingers through her hair.
Snape watched her closely. He could see there was more. Sudden, irrational fear clenched his insides. He glanced at the people sitting in the kitchen of Sirius' house. Nobody looked straight at anyone. Mostly they were just sitting there, staring at the floor. But one was missing, excluding the ones that had to be rushed to hospital. He wanted to ask it out loud, but didn't dare. He guessed that most of them already knew… But he didn't want to admit it to anyone. Whatever these people thought of him, he didn't want to confirm or deny anything. They could assume anything they wanted but he didn't want them to know.
But he had to ask.
"The rest of you could get out safely?" he asked, trying to find a way to avoid asking straight out what he really wanted to know.
Tonks nodded and winced because the sudden movement had probably hurt her. "Well, Moody's still being treated but I told them that I was alright", she smiled weakly. "Everybody's more or less alright."
"More or less?" This really wasn't like him, Snape told to himself, to push the subject like that.
Tonks nodded again but didn't look at him. Instead he glanced towards Mrs. Weasley, who was sitting with a closed, stern expression on her face, avoiding looking straight at her or Snape.
He stayed silent, looking at Tonks. It looked like she was going to force the question out of him.
But before he could open his mouth, she continued. "Remus is upstairs", she added quietly. "He hasn't said anything to anyone since Sirius… since it happened."
Snape found out that he was clenching his teeth together so forcefully that his jaw was aching. Tonks glanced up at him and jerked slightly, alarmed expression on her face. Snape realised that he probably was looking very angry. Again. It seemed that these days he was looking angry all the time. He stood up and without looking directly at anyone, said: "I'm going to see him."
It seemed like Molly had something to say to that, but before she could even open her mouth Snape had left the room.
He climbed up the stairs to the first floor of the house. There he stopped to think. Tonks had only said that Lupin was upstairs, nothing else, but Snape could nevertheless guess where exactly he was. He walked purposefully towards the door that he knew was Sirius' bedroom. He stopped at the door and listened for a second. He couldn't hear anything. It alarmed him a little. He had been sure that Remus would be crying. The silence seemed unnatural here, now.
He opened the door quietly and stepped inside.
The room was dark. The curtains were drawn and the air was stale. In the light that came from the hall, Snape was able to see that Lupin was lying on the large bed that was in the middle of the room. He was lying on his left side, staring at the empty space beside him on the bed. He didn't seem to be crying, but Snape couldn't be certain. Remus didn't react in any way to his arrival.
It was curious… Snape didn't remember when he had been as frightened as now, staring down at Remus who was just lying on the bed, apparently still so much in shock that he couldn't even cry. Nothing had ever come even close to this silent terror that seemed to hang in the room, travelling from Remus to him. Suddenly he found out that he was shaking all over and that he couldn't stop.
Snape took one faltering step into the room. When Remus still didn't seem to acknowledge his presence, he walked to the bed and sat on the edge, next to Remus. Then he realised that he had no idea what to say to the other man or what he was doing in here. He had just needed to see Lupin. Snape hated himself. What he could do or say without just causing even more pain to Remus? What had he been thinking? That Remus would just forget all about Sirius and turn to him instead? Could he really be that delusional?
Snape looked down on Lupin. Without noticing it himself, he had put one shaking hand on Lupin's shoulder. There it now laid and still Lupin hadn't stirred.
"I'm sorry…" Snape could hear himself mutter. "It's entirely my fault."
Lupin just blinked. Snape wasn't sure that he had even heard him.
However, after a brief silence, Lupin spoke. "I just… can't. I can't", he whispered so quietly that even in the silent room it was hard for Snape to hear him.
He understood. Remus couldn't forgive him. But he wasn't the only one. Remus couldn't forgive Dumbledore or even himself right now. Snape suspected that he was even blaming Harry a little. He was actually blaming everyone but him.
There was a brief but very hot flash of anger in him when he thought about Sirius. Why hadn't the arrogant bastard just stayed where he was supposed to? Why had he insisted on going with the rest? That stupid, arrogant, idiotic… But he hadn't listened. He just had to go and get himself killed. He just had to hurt everyone who loved him. He had to hurt Remus like this. And none of them was blaming him.
Suddenly he noticed that Remus was crying. He could feel him shaking slightly.
He didn't think. He just did what felt natural. He leaned down, pressing his forehead against Remus' temple. He smelt the musky scent of Remus, his lips almost touching Remus' skin. He remained there for a few seconds, until the shaking of Remus' body subsided. Then he pulled back up. Remus was still crying silently. Snape started to stroke Remus' hair tenderly, brushing strands of it away from his face with his fingers. Remus' eyes fluttered closed but the crying didn't end. Snape hadn't expected it to, but he was glad that Remus at least reacted somehow to his touch.
He remained there the whole night, even long after Remus had drifted into sleep.
tiina* 2003