Warning: this story is guaranteed to fulfill your daily quota of angsty introspection fics. Personally, I like my angst served with a side of mundane grace. No cataclysmic change, no epiphanies, no over-the-top drama. Just nice, silent reflection.
Well, anyways…enjoy!
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As far as Seifer was concerned, cigarettes were a good thing.
Long, graceful, luxurious, toxic tendrils of smoke drifted from the cigarette that he held in between his fingers. Bringing it up to his lips, Seifer breathed in deeply. He didn't exactly savor the feeling of the tobacco filling his lungs, but he didn't reject it. To him, smoking was like breathing: not ecstatically pleasant, but necessary just the same.
Seifer tilted his head back, looking at the sky through drowsy eyes. A full moon was out tonight. Strange. He could've sworn a full moon wasn't supposed to come out for two more nights. Then again, Seifer hadn't been keeping up with his sky charts lately. With things like SeeD Field Exams, astronomy just wasn't a high priority anymore.
It was a little known fact that Seifer had a passion for astronomy. Pretty much everything about him was a little known fact, other than his arrogance, selfishness, and rivalry with Squall. The only Seifer that people saw was the Seifer strolling proudly through the halls, the Seifer arguing with instructors, the Seifer aggressively attacking his opponent in a duel, the Seifer who never obeyed orders. Even Fujin and Raijin refused to see him as anything other than that. Perhaps that's what pulled them to Seifer in the first place: his to-hell-with-everyone attitude and in-your-face defiance of authority.
Seifer blamed his bad luck for that. There just never seemed to be anybody around when he was tired, injured, crying…and just completely…vulnerable.
…utterly vulnerable.
Actually, there may have been one: the daughter of the Galbadian general by the name of Rinoa.
Instinctively Seifer drew up his cigarette to his mouth at the thought of Rinoa, as he often did when he thought about something troubling. He frowned and leaned against the wall. It shouldn't be this way. Rinoa shouldn't be the source of all his problems. Failing the SeeD Exam he could tolerate. Being yelled at by Quistis and Xu he could deal with. But Rinoa…he just couldn't cope with.
As if he could ever handle Rinoa to begin with. One tiger can't tame another.
"You'll never change," she used to say. "And if you do, it won't be because of other people."
The blonde boy took another puff from his cigarette and laughed silently to himself. She'd always wanted him to quite smoking. "A disgusting habit" she called it.
"It kills you slowly, you know. Feels good for a while, then you're hacking up your lungs and talking through a tube."
Typical Rinoa. Liberal and altruistic to a fault. Quick with words, quick to judge. As fierce with her beliefs as Seifer was fierce with his gunblade. She had taught him that there was a world outside of him and his bubble. This was ironic, in a way, because she was supposedly the spoiled brat in the relationship. But she was able to show Seifer the world as it was: the poverty, the suffering, the destruction. Suddenly his petty dreams of becoming a Knight didn't seem so important.
Seifer leaned against the wall casually and closed his eyes, letting his pure fatigue take over for a second. There was so much unfathomable shit going on in his life that it felt good just to let something so simple and undiluted as tiredness take control for a while.
He could've taken a good long nap right then and there, but instead, his thoughts wandered to the realm of a petite raven-haired girl dressed in blue.
She was very attractive, no doubt about it. If she wasn't, Seifer wouldn't have strolled up to her one sunny afternoon in a park in Deling City. It started with a silly dare, really. One of his friends had challenged Seifer to go up to the cute girl sitting on the bench and get her number. Seifer had taken the dare with his usual cocky swagger.
He would forever remember that moment when he launched his best pickup line to date. He nodded at the book she was reading and said with the smoothness of an Italian gangster: "The Stranger? So you like absurdist philosophers, huh?"
Rinoa was immediately mesmerized with this boy with insight on literature. The boy chatted her up just like any other girl. But as more time passed, Seifer realized that this wasn't an ordinary girl. At the end of the day, he received something better than her number (although he didn't fail in that respect either). He received the trust and friendship of somebody who would shake the foundations of his outlook on life.
What had attracted Seifer so much to her? For one, she was pretty and she was a girl, and he liked pretty girls. But that wasn't it; beautiful girls came a dime a dozen. Maybe it was because he could see some of himself in her. That was the narcissistic way to look at it. Or maybe it was because he saw his salvation in her. Rinoa liked to change things: change the world, change people. She had that effect about her. Maybe it was because from somewhere deep within himself, he hoped that she would change him.
Seifer slid down the wall until he was sitting on the cold hard ground, letting his utter exhaustion overtake him some more. Resting his head on the wall, he extended his hand that held the cigarette so that his elbow rested on his knee. He watched the smoke from his cigarette with idle fascination, the translucent wisps rising upwards till they disappeared.
"Why do you want to be a Sorceress's Knight?"
She had asked that question out of genuine curiosity, not out of disdainful judgment like most people displayed when he told them of his romantic dream.
"What's more honorable than being a Knight?" he replied. "I mean, standing up for somebody else, fighting to death out of loyalty? When you're a Knight, you can be] somebody."
Rinoa nodded. More than anybody else, she understood the feeling of fighting for something that felt so passionately right. "But it's not like you're defending an ideology or belief, though. You're defending a person. People change. It's hard to be consistent that way, you know?"
It was little statements like those that tugged at Seifer. Little by little his dream was dismantled and placed on a shelf to collect dust. Through Rinoa, Seifer realized that something absolute, something tangible was at his fingertips. He could still be somebody and fight for something real. Beliefs were real, ideas were real. Dreams were not. Dreams were childish.
For the next few months or so, Seifer and Rinoa kept in close contact. They went through the regular courtship drama, constantly skirting on the edge of friendship and teetering towards something more than that. Neither of them had enough courage to say how they really felt. Proud, tall Seifer was reduced to a bundle of nerves around her. No girl had ever made him feel like that before.
But their relationship did manifest itself eventually. A couple dates here, a few quiet outings there. Seifer didn't really quite know what to make of this relationship. Rinoa didn't appear to take it too seriously. She made it a point that both of them had fun around each other. She always knew how to give Seifer a good time. If the world were to crumble in the next instant, at least Seifer would have the undeniably happy memories this girl had given him. In return for this, he had agreed to use his contacts and help Rinoa secure a SeeD contract.
It was so easy for Rinoa to get whatever she wanted from Seifer. Whatever she asked, he complied. There just wasn't any other choice. Seifer couldn't describe the magic she worked on him. Was it love? Perhaps. Whenever she was around, Seifer couldn't help but feel happy. For the first time in his life, he thought of settling down, living a quiet life. Although he knew this was an extreme impossibility, just the fact that Seifer considered this idea was a huge jump for him. He'd even tried to quit smoking.
The young man pressed the heel of his hand to his forehead and sighed. He tried to remember the events that transpired only a few hours before, turning the memory over and over in his mind, like a rock collector inspecting a pebble. Perhaps if he thought about it enough, he could find some answer to his questions, some logic or truth.
The SeeD Inauguration Party was supposed to be for him. He was supposed to be a SeeD. Instead, it was those four second-rate soldiers that didn't deserve it, Squall Leonheart included. Seifer's frustration had nearly kept him from going to the Party, but the thought of seeing Rinoa Heartilly convinced him to attend. He had arrived to the ballroom half an hour late. He had expected to see Rinoa surrounded by people, like she always was. But he hadn't expected her to be in the arms of his biggest rival: Squall. Dancing, no less. Who knew Leonheart was such a good dancer?
Seifer had watched Rinoa and Squall through narrowed eyes and clenched fists. It seemed so surreal to him. To any casual observer, the brown-haired SeeD and lovely lady in white were the perfect couple, something directly from the pages of a fairy tale. At that moment, Seifer felt rage. Not the fake, adrenaline-fueled rage of battle, but the true rage of the mind. If Seifer's psyche had been a window, it would have shattered into a thousand and one pieces at that moment. He gritted his teeth hard. It took everything he had not to unleash a Flare spell on everybody in the room.
After many long, agonizing moments, the song ended. The blood vessel in Seifer's temple still throbbed, and he could still feel the heat off his face. But at least it was over. The girl in white noticed Seifer in the corner and walked towards him.
Seifer admonished himself furiously for losing Rinoa to Squall, even for just a minute. Squall was inferior, Squall was below him. How could Seifer ever lose something like Rinoa to him? Seifer shook his head. No, it'll never happen.
"Hey, Seifer," Rinoa called, "you never introduced me to Headmaster Cid yet."
Seifer nodded towards the man across the ballroom, his trademark grin returning to his face. "He's over there, if you need to talk to him. I'd go with you, but uh, he and I aren't exactly on good terms."
Nodding, Rinoa turned around to go see Cid. Seifer quickly caught her lightly on the shoulder.
"Hey, Rin," Seifer said. "I was wondering…since you're in Balamb and everything. Wanna do something tomorrow? I could show you the docks or something."
Rinoa paused for a long moment, a strange expression on her face. Then, she closed her eyes and sighed softly. "Look, Seifer. I don't know how to say this, but…I don't think we should see each other like that anymore. I think we're better off as friends."
The heat on Seifer's face returned.
"I'm sorry."
Without another word, Rinoa whisked around, the hem of her dress swishing above her knees, leaving Seifer alone.
…utterly vulnerable.
And so that's how Seifer ended up at the front gates of Balamb Garden, smoking a cigarette and staring off into the sky. Alone.
In disbelief, Seifer shook his head. He should have seen this coming. Rinoa was an impatient girl. No transformation, no catharsis, no metamorphosis was too quick for her. And if something didn't happen fast enough, she moved on to the next place that needed change. That was the way she was.
Too bad. They were so much alike, Rinoa and Seifer. They were the daring, outrageous, provocative couple. They were known for their ability to not hold back, to let everything go without looking back. Tough as nails, they used to say. Rinoa had the same awful luck as Seifer: nobody ever seemed to be around to see her cry.
And yet they were too much alike. Both too defiant, both too unmovable…how strange that two people who so willingly and passionately changed everything around them were so unwilling to change themselves. That was the fatal flaw. That was the downfall of Rinoa and Seifer.
Now that he thought about it, maybe his dream didn't seem so childish after all.
The boy decided to go back inside. It was way past curfew. He took one last breath from his cigarette and dropped it on the ground, putting it out with his boot.
Maybe he should quit smoking…
…Nah.