Title: Follow the Leader Down
Author: anti-hero
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Angst/Season Re-Write
Category/Ship: Kennedy/Willow, Faith/Michael [All others are CC at this
stage]
Feedback: I don't beg, but appreciation is fun.
Summary: Season 7 re-write. Kennedy's still a potential. It starts in a
Willow POV on the day she gets back from England. There's none of the 'they
can't see her or her them' thing.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the original BtVS characters they belong to
Joss Whedon, UPN, Fox and Mutant Enemy. However, 'Aurora', the songs
[unless otherwise stated], Michael, Cera and Maria all belong to me. You
can buy them [or parts] for reasonable prices.
Dedication: Izzy/SlayinChic. Call her. my muse.
Goddess. I'm actually going back. Denying the fact that I'm absolutely petrified would be callous. Facing what I know I must when this plane lands, and I step down onto the desecrated lands of Sunnydale once again, honestly I'm at a point where I'm so beyond afraid that I can barely breathe. The truth. I have to look truth directly in the eye and try not to buckle under the pressure. What is the truth? One thought drifts across my mind more than any other. Tara's gone. Gone. Like a snowflake in a waterfall, too delicate for the raging river of my life.
My fault. It's my fault that she took that bullet. Meant for me. For me. Not her. But she's gone and I don't want to go back there, back to the demon-fighting, the pathetic drama and, more than anything else, the memories. Like a film, clarity burning the images deep into my retinas, so they plague me to insanity any time I close my eyes. Giles was always so worried about why I didn't, and don't, sleep. I could never tell him. Never.
Oh sweet Holy Lord. Buffy. Willow, stop shaking! I am your inner voice and I command you to stop shaking. She's your best friend. She is not going to reject you! She's here isn't she? Yes. She's here. For you. Like she said she would be. Like she said she always would be.
"Hey Will." Her smile's just as reassuring as it has always been. Radiating strength and the long-lost serenity we'd all but stolen after we brought her back from heaven. Soft hugs. Always soft.
"Hi." My voice box manages to squeeze out. Fear grips my heart, what does this all mean? Why is this all so irrefutably terrifying. I was expecting. what was I expecting? Them to disown me? Yes. Hate me? Quite possibly. Chain me up and sink me to the bottom of the ocean? Maybe not so much. But. her soft smiles, soft embraces, tell me otherwise. Forgiveness? I surely can't even begin to expect that. After all I've done. All I've put them through.
"Willow." I hear behind me. Turning sharply into the object of Buffy's gaze. Xander. Strong arms wrap gently around my shoulders. More soft hugs. Softness. Like a world coated in cotton candy. But that's all this is. Pretend. Imaginary. Fake. Plastic. Another façade. But it'll do for now.
I feel the emotions rage around me as well as inside. Arms guiding me to a car, then into the house. My room. Not my room. They call it my room, but nothing could be more devoid of anything me. Anything her. Everything her. Why does this feel like some kind of placid, tranquil death sequence. Why does this fear still dig into my soul? I know. Tara's gone.
Tears. I'm alone. Everyone just left me here. Alone. Again. As always. I don't deserve to be with people. Everyone I've loved, I've hurt, in one way or another. So, no more love. Nothing. Emptiness. Safety. Like a warm blanket. My blanket. Forever alone. Doesn't feel so bad after all. Doesn't feel at all.
Bed. Blanket. Real Blanket. Why do my thoughts insist on tormenting me? Why can't the image of her. her blood all over me, the stench of death engulfing all my senses and the emotionless tearing of my heart, out of the front of my chest.
Catatonic thought process. Nothing seems clear. Clarity is reserved for Tara and all images, memories, or Tara. Goddess, my baby, why did you have to leave me? I'm so. dead inside.
Dido - Here With Me.
I didn't hear you leave
I wonder how am I still here
And I don't want to move a thing
It might change my memory
Oh I am what I am
I'll do what I want
But I can't hide
I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me
I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me
I don't want to call my friends
They might wake me from this dream
And I can't leave this bed
Risk forgetting all that's been
Oh I am what I am
I'll do what I want
But I can't hide
I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me
I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here
And I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me
I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me
Dedication: Izzy/SlayinChic. Call her. my muse.
Goddess. I'm actually going back. Denying the fact that I'm absolutely petrified would be callous. Facing what I know I must when this plane lands, and I step down onto the desecrated lands of Sunnydale once again, honestly I'm at a point where I'm so beyond afraid that I can barely breathe. The truth. I have to look truth directly in the eye and try not to buckle under the pressure. What is the truth? One thought drifts across my mind more than any other. Tara's gone. Gone. Like a snowflake in a waterfall, too delicate for the raging river of my life.
My fault. It's my fault that she took that bullet. Meant for me. For me. Not her. But she's gone and I don't want to go back there, back to the demon-fighting, the pathetic drama and, more than anything else, the memories. Like a film, clarity burning the images deep into my retinas, so they plague me to insanity any time I close my eyes. Giles was always so worried about why I didn't, and don't, sleep. I could never tell him. Never.
Oh sweet Holy Lord. Buffy. Willow, stop shaking! I am your inner voice and I command you to stop shaking. She's your best friend. She is not going to reject you! She's here isn't she? Yes. She's here. For you. Like she said she would be. Like she said she always would be.
"Hey Will." Her smile's just as reassuring as it has always been. Radiating strength and the long-lost serenity we'd all but stolen after we brought her back from heaven. Soft hugs. Always soft.
"Hi." My voice box manages to squeeze out. Fear grips my heart, what does this all mean? Why is this all so irrefutably terrifying. I was expecting. what was I expecting? Them to disown me? Yes. Hate me? Quite possibly. Chain me up and sink me to the bottom of the ocean? Maybe not so much. But. her soft smiles, soft embraces, tell me otherwise. Forgiveness? I surely can't even begin to expect that. After all I've done. All I've put them through.
"Willow." I hear behind me. Turning sharply into the object of Buffy's gaze. Xander. Strong arms wrap gently around my shoulders. More soft hugs. Softness. Like a world coated in cotton candy. But that's all this is. Pretend. Imaginary. Fake. Plastic. Another façade. But it'll do for now.
I feel the emotions rage around me as well as inside. Arms guiding me to a car, then into the house. My room. Not my room. They call it my room, but nothing could be more devoid of anything me. Anything her. Everything her. Why does this feel like some kind of placid, tranquil death sequence. Why does this fear still dig into my soul? I know. Tara's gone.
Tears. I'm alone. Everyone just left me here. Alone. Again. As always. I don't deserve to be with people. Everyone I've loved, I've hurt, in one way or another. So, no more love. Nothing. Emptiness. Safety. Like a warm blanket. My blanket. Forever alone. Doesn't feel so bad after all. Doesn't feel at all.
Bed. Blanket. Real Blanket. Why do my thoughts insist on tormenting me? Why can't the image of her. her blood all over me, the stench of death engulfing all my senses and the emotionless tearing of my heart, out of the front of my chest.
Catatonic thought process. Nothing seems clear. Clarity is reserved for Tara and all images, memories, or Tara. Goddess, my baby, why did you have to leave me? I'm so. dead inside.
Dido - Here With Me.
I didn't hear you leave
I wonder how am I still here
And I don't want to move a thing
It might change my memory
Oh I am what I am
I'll do what I want
But I can't hide
I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me
I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me
I don't want to call my friends
They might wake me from this dream
And I can't leave this bed
Risk forgetting all that's been
Oh I am what I am
I'll do what I want
But I can't hide
I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me
I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here
And I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me
I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me