Act 3: Chaos in Kyoto- Part One
Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin- still not mine, in spite of wishing for it.
Notes: You guys think it's weird seeing Kenshin being called by his real name? You wouldn't believe how many times I've typed in 'Kenshin' while writing this, and had to backtrack and put 'Shinta' in instead. Arigatou to everyone who's reviewed so far, and thanks for the suggestions! I've already got ideas for dealing with Hiko, Saitou (haven't given much thought to Soujiro yet... I should do that, thanks for pointing out the idea, minna!), and the iceberg and Misao. I've also got some ideas involving Tomoe and Kaoru, so stay tuned. There's a "Part One" tagged onto the chapter title for a reason =p Also- this chapter was written while running on 2 hours of sleep and after a long day working at the go-kart races. So expect it to be a tad more cracked than normal! Warning- a couple of really bad sword jokes at our redheaded rurouni's expense!
Two ghosts strolled unseen through the streets of
Kyoto, discussing rather heatedly their plans for the near future.
"I want to see how Misao an' Aoshi-san are doing!"
Kaoru insisted.
"Wouldn't it be better if we wait to visit them?
Until after they hear we died from the others?" Shinta protested. "I'd
like to visit shishou first, anyway."
"This coming from the rurouni who spent the ENTIRE
FLIGHT back from Shanghai whining about giving Saitou-baka the scare of
a lifetime, and plotting all sorts of unpleasant pranks to pull on him.
And now you want to go see Hiko instead?" Kaoru turned an exasperated glare
on her redheaded hubby.
"Well I don't think I'm good enough at levitating
objects yet!" Shinta sweatdropped. "When we go after him, I want it to
be perfect!"
"Hai, hai. And you want to be able to mess with
the lighting, shut and bar the doors and windows..." Kaoru rolled her eyes
at the rurouni as she counted off some of his other plans. "Sagara-san
was nice. We ought to go visit with him again, and see about talking to
Sano when he's totally sober."
The life-impaired couple continued down the street,
and passed through a cemetery. A pale hand reached from behind a particular
gravestone and caught Shinta by the ponytail, resulting in his falling
over backwards.
"Oro!"
"Nani-?" Kaoru turned around and nearly gasped.
Standing over Shinta's swirly-eyed form was a raven-haired
woman in a pale kimono, wearing a purple sash.
"Himura Kaoru, correct?" The pale-faced woman inquired.
Kaoru nodded slowly, trying to place the description. Obviously the woman
was similarly life-challenged.
"And you are-?" Kaoru inquired as Shinta recovered
and stood back up, his eyes going wide in surprise.
"Tomoe-?!" The redhead's jaw almost audibly hit
the ground. The women nodded and smiled.
"It's been awhile, Kenshin." She smiled. She turned
to address Kaoru. "So we finally meet, Kaoru-san. You look well, both of
you."
"Ano... Tomoe-san..." Shinta sweatdropped profusely,
a sense of impending doom falling upon him. "We're both... ah.... dead."
"I know. I was hoping to speak with Kaoru-san."
Tomoe calmly stated.
"Ano... Tomoe-san, I can explain-" Shinta squeaked.
"Don't worry, anata." Tomoe briefly stroked the
rurouni's formerly scarred left cheek. "I'm not upset about your falling
in love with another woman. You two were meant to be, you and I could have
been, but..." She left the sentence unfinished.
Kaoru looked fairly ill at ease. After all, what
does one say when meeting the ghost of your husband's first wife?
"Kenshin, if you'd leave Kaoru-san and I alone for
a little while-?" Tomoe asked.
"Tomoe-san..." Shinta seemed just as flabbergasted
as Kaoru, if not more.
"... Shinta..." Kaoru turned demon eyes on the stammering
rurouni. "Shoo! Go visit Hiko or something. If Tomoe-san wants to talk
to me, she has every right to."
"Oro!"
Tomoe raised an eyebrow at the unfamiliar name.
The redhead had always been Himura Kenshin, the Battousai, to her. Where'd
this 'Shinta' moniker come from? Shinta sulked off, wondering just what
his two wives would talk about, and knowing, dreading, that it would have
to do with him.
Kaoru's worries were quickly and oddly put to rest
as Tomoe began the conversation.
"... Does he still sleepwalk and 'mysteriously'
end up clinging to places that are off-limits?" The raven-haired woman
inquired seriously.
Kaoru fell over. "He did... once. A few whacks with
my bokken and that stopped ... But he snores."
It was Tomoe's turn to look surprised. "He snores
now?"
"Hai. And for awhile he had an obsession with the
laundry..." Kaoru continued, sensing the direction the conversation was
inevitably going to take.
"... Did you keep track of your undergarments?"
Tomoe queried.
"Well... I think some of them went miss...ing..."
Kaoru's eyes widened. "No..."
"Hai." Tomoe nodded as Kaoru turned an interesting
shade of red. "When we were living together on the outskirts of Kyoto,
he took up the laundry. With a passion. He had the worst underkimono fetish.
Nearly half of mine went missing, and I later found them hidden with his
things.
Kaoru fumed. "That hentai!"
Soon the conversation dropped nearly all pretense
of seriousness, and the two began comparing notes in earnest.
"He was always flirting with Megumi! I swear, she'd
bat her eyes at him, and cling to him and call him her 'Ken-san', and he'd
just sit there 'oro'ing like an idiot!"
"One time he decided to find a more practical application
of Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu- cooking dinner! The kitchen was a disaster after
that!" Tomoe threw her hands in the air in frustration, describing the
sight of a stupefied Battousai standing amid a thoroughly TRASHED kitchen,
a pair of neatly prepared bowls of rice the only thing not shredded and
thrown about like a typhoon had hit. "The rice was excellent, but it took
DAYS to clean up the mess!"
"Did you ever meet his master? Hiko? I swear, the
man is the most arrogant, pig-headed, egotistical..." Kaoru fumed. "'What's
my baka desshi been up to?' He was always insulting his ONLY student! I
wish I got the chance just ONCE to bash something hard over his head!"
"On our 'wedding night', he insisted his swords
be kept IN BED with us! Like some sort of security blanket! Do you have
any idea how uncomfortable it is to share a bed with him, and two long
bits of cold pointy metal? And he had the nerve to complain that I had
cold feet!" Tomoe scowled. "I finally had to threaten to hit him over the
head with the damn things before he set them off to the side!"
"That's nothing! He kept his sakabatou in bed with
us on the wedding night, and on top of that..." Kaoru sweatdropped at the
recollection. "He 'oro's when lovemaking!"
Tomoe fell over as Kaoru continued. "I mean, he
was GREAT, bit still! What a way to ruin the moment! 'Oh, Kenshin!' 'Oro!'
Where in Kami's name did 'oro' come from anyway? Did he use it when you
two were together?"
Tomoe shook her head slightly. "I'm not sure where
oro came from. He was great in bed, but it was more than a little weird.
Possibly weirder than your oro story."
Kaoru raised both eyebrows at that declaration.
"Weirder than that?"
"Hai." Tomoe nodded sagely. "You know what they
say about swords, ne?"
Kaoru nodded, having a sinking feeling about where
Tomoe was going with this story.
"And that Kenshin's skilled in Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu?"
Another nod. The redhead had mastered it, and Kaoru
waited with a growing sweatdrop for Tomoe to finish her explanation.
"... In short, Kaoru-san, you try making love when
he's shouting 'Ryu Tsui Sen!'." Tomoe sweatdropped at that particular recollection.
"I'll admit, the end result was certainly amazing, but more than a little
disconcerting, given who he was at the time and what he'd been doing."
Kaoru fell over backwards. "He didn't!"
"He did."
And so, the Himura's Wives Club shared many many
more jokes and laughs at the redhead's expense.
Elsewhere, Shinta sneezed as he approached the secluded cabin where Hiko resided...
To be continued!
Author's notes: I TOLD you this was going to be cracked. It's almost midnight, I've been up since 4:30 am, only had two hours of sleep, and worked my tail end off! Tomoe is pretty far out of character, I think, but then again, she's been dead for awhile. That's got to count for something. I may go back at a later date and add more to this chapter, or have the two women chat some more and go into more detail in a future one. I blame the "oro during sex" crack on my younger sister! (Though I take full responsibility for the rest.) Next up... The baka desshi's ghost confronts the 13th Master of Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu! Expect more madness to ensue! And what plan is our sweet, mild-mannered rurouni cooking up for Mibu's Wolf? Stay tuned!