A/N: This is my first venture into Star Trek fiction and although I started loving Star Trek with Voyager somehow Imzadi inspired me more than any character in Voyager ever had. It took me a while to grow to love TNG, mostly because even the sight of bald Picard irritated the crap out of me… and ironically enough in the end it was Marina Sirtis's wonderful big black curls that made me watch an entire episode and in just a few minutes converted me from a Picard-atheist to the biggest Troi-hair fan!
Anyway, as I haven't been a fan *that* long there may be a few inconsistencies within the storyline, but apart from that I am actually satisfied with this particular piece work, esp since this is my first R-rated piece. Hope you enjoy and don't forget to review and let me know what you think, whether it's good or bad.
The Voices From Within
Why? Why was this happening to her? Why did she have to be so afraid? What was it that she was so afraid of??
She knew the doubts of her mind; what if Risa happened all over again? She couldn't bear that to happen. The mere thought sent shivers down her spine.
But in her heart she felt... No! She *knew* there was no need for such fears.
Many a times, while talking and enjoying each other's company in either one of their quarters she'd feel regret coming from him, she'd sense his anguish and his enormous sense of guilt for not coming to meet her so many years ago. The feelings she'd sense from him were so strong that as they overflowed her body she would find it extremely difficult to fight them in order to keep a clear mind. In such occasions she would, without saying anything, hug him, slipping her arms around his waist and placing her head on his chest, calming his quickened heartbeat. He, in return, would wrap his strong arms around her tightly, as if to confirm the unspoken vow: Risa would *never* happen again. He knew that she knew and understood what was going on inside of him and he no longer felt the need to hide his emotions – good or bad. But in his mind Will just couldn't conceive *how* she had ever forgiven him, how she came to trust him again. He had a hard time trusting himself. When did he ever deserve such a woman? He was sure he wasn't worthy of her; she deserved better, but she got stuck with him as her Imzadi. Talk about luck. Except it was already decided and he had no other choice but to spend the rest of his life showing her she hadn't made a mistake.
But so many years of not knowing Will's true feelings had scared Deanna. She had reflected upon her doubts many a times; whether the Imzadi bond between them could have been broken. She had never heard it to be the case: *Imzadi is forever* was her mother's favorite saying, but Deanna had started wondering if that wasn't simply an equivalent to the Cinderella fairytale on Earth; just that, a simple fairytale?
Just as Will and Deanna were Imzadi and could sense each other's thoughts, just as so, they knew exactly how to shut the other out. As the counselor and his best friend, Deanna spent many (too many – according to the ship's rumors) hours in Will's quarters, just talking. Not a *single* soul on the entire starship, besides the two of them, thought they were *just* talking. The word never quite reached them, and all for the better. They might not have been as close as on Betazed all those years ago but they were still closer to each other, when it came to certain issues, than to anyone else on the ship.
They shared their daily problems, achievements, and career goals; had their share of laughs as well as serious moments when one or the other needed comforting.
Deanna would sometimes be exhausted of all the problems she had to listen to hour by hour. She loved her job, more than anything, but just sometimes *she* was the one who needed counseling, needed to whine a little and be told that everything would work itself out.
On the other hand, as the years passed, Will, as much as he loved working on the Enterprise and under Picard, found himself wishing he was his own captain on his own ship. He often wondered what kept him on the Enterprise at all. He pretended that he didn't know, to himself and to Deanna. But deep down he knew it was because of her. The second she left there would be nothing keeping him onboard anymore.
In her own mind, Deanna wondered the same: what kept him on the Enterprise all those years? She never understood why he, adventurous by nature, didn't embark on his own ship, on his own journey. At rare times, during their talks about his future aboard the ship, she would sense that his staying on the Enterprise had something to do with her. But as soon as he himself became aware of those thoughts, he would immediately build up a Berlin Wall between his mind and her own, making it impossible for her to sense anything but reluctance to open his soul to her. She eventually convinced herself it was her imagination. It was easier that way; and besides, if he couldn't keep his promise to meet her on Risa with what they had back then because of a lousy promotion, there was no way these platonic talks were keeping him from commanding his own ship. It was illogical.
Soon enough they realized they had both become too dependent of each other's company and as platonic as it all was, there's but a fine line between Imzadi friendship and Imzadi love. Basically because one doesn't come without the other.
Deanna knew Will was aware that they were spending too much time together but she also knew that he wasn't too worried about it. After all it wasn't him who hurt like hell after he didn't show up on Risa. Nor was it him who cursed the Imzadi bond and screamed at her mother for making her believe in such nonsense. Never again, she had promised herself, never again. And here she was, letting it happen… all over… again!
All she knew was that they had to talk about it. So she tried once, twice, three times… but always with the same response. A few years back she had rejected Will's offer to rekindle their romance – not because she supposedly cared *so* much about them working together, after all a job is for a couple of years, ten, twenty maybe, but Imzadi is forever and you never turn your back on Imzadi. If things hadn't worked out she would get a transfer - that was the easiest part. The fact was that she didn't trust him. Nor did she think she would ever trust him again. How could she? She wouldn't allow herself to fall for the same thing twice. And ever since the rejection, anytime the subject of Imzadi came up, she would face the Berlin Wall once and again. Rarely could she find a crack or two in it, and even when she did it would never be big enough or last long enough for her to bring the wall down. It was enough to convince her they were still Imzadi but not enough to make her believe it could actually work out between them.
But now, everything was different.
As their friendship deepened each day, she consciously began to think of him as something more. He had *always* been more than was outwardly seen, but this time it was different. She didn't really understand it herself, "I'm probably just getting old and lonely and terrified of being by myself," she tried brainwashing herself, but she had started missing him when he wasn't there, and when he was there she missed that they weren't as close as they used to be. There was always something missing. The missing link. She had eventually gotten used to the nostalgia that surrounded their relationship, all because he wouldn't let her in.
But then one day that too changed. She was meeting him in his quarters for another of their daily conversations, but it was a Monday, which meant chocolate dessert as platonic foreplay – which made her look forward to "date" all the more.
As she hurried to his quarters, attempting to catch him off guard by being early and not knocking – they had given up such formalities that since their meetings had become a regular thing and they could pretty much sense each other before the actual entering took place. Jokingly they would yell out, "Come in!" a second before their Imzadi would come marching in, usually feigning irritation that they had not succeeded in the surprise-element, but obviously extremely pleased that their connection had remained intact, despite everything.
But this time Deanna felt something was different… wrong. She had a bad feeling about Will. She sensed him needing her. As she entered his quarters there was no usual "Come in!" or his smile greeting her. The smile that had brightened many a day for her.
The room was dark, she could barely make out the furniture but her eyes darted straight to where he was standing, in a corner, his back to her, the silhouette showing his head bent down, his face in his hands.
She reached out to him with her mind, **Will…**
He quickly turned around brushing away at his eyes as inconspicuously as he could, while the Berlin Wall, faster than the speed of light, was raised again. Still, Deanna noticed a stray tear rolling down the side of his left cheek.
He knew he couldn't fool her but still he flashed her as big a smile as it was fake.
Deanna felt disappointed and hurt by that apparent and, to her, cruel rejection, but it wasn't time to be thinking about herself. The hurt and anguish she had perceived were too strong for her to ignore. She *knew* she could help and she wanted to.
She approached Will as he fought hard inside not to retreat and just get the hell away from her, where he couldn't hurt her anymore. But he owed her more than that.
Deanna stood before him, looking up at his deep blue eyes, so full of pain and suffering. "Where was all this coming from?" she wondered. It was guilt… deep guilt that dated back. Way back. How long had he been carrying such a heavy burden?
**Will… tell me… trust me…**
**I can't… it's better you don't know… I'll only hurt you more…**
That frightened her a little, but there was nothing that could keep her from reaching out to her Imzadi. She knew it in her heart she had to be there for him. She hugged him tightly, and he accepted it, resting his head on her shoulder. But his mind still resisted her own.
"Let me in... I'll make it better..."
"Don't, Deanna... please don't..." he responded weakly, trying to free himself from her embrace, unsuccessfully.
"But I can make it better, Will, I know I can..."
"But I don't want to hurt you... I can't hurt you... not again..."
"It's hurting me a million times more to see you like this and not be able to help you, to have you hide yourself from me... I can't bear to see you like this... whatever it is, tell me... I *know* it can't possibly hurt me as much as you are hurting me right now... Please, Will, please..."
And as she felt his willpower waver she tried one more time, **Imzadi…**
And with that three-syllable word that meant so much to him, all his determination dissolved and a surge of emotions rushed through Deanna, so strong that she held on to Will for dear life. Shame, repentance, remorse, regret and guilt, most of all guilt, causing pain, suffering, aguish, distress, agony, misery, grief, gloom, melancholy, despair, hopelessness and loneliness that invaded his heart, and never gave him a moment's peace. His heartache was bigger than any Deanna had ever encountered.
The cause of all the aguish and hopelessness was Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. Risa. It was his very own personal hell. He just couldn't forgive himself that he had given her up for a promotion. Promotion. Promotion. Promotion. Promotion. Promotion. Promotion. Promotion. Promotion. Promotion. Promotion. Promotion. Promotion. Promotion. Promotion. Promotion. Promotion. Promotion. Promotion. Promotion. Promotion. Promotion. Promotion. Promotion. Promotion. Promotion. Promotion. Promotion. Promotion. That damn promotion!
Deanna couldn't help but admire his strength. She had had many patients with a far lesser inner conflicts and yet they were already failing to do their job right or keep their concentration on a certain topic. It was obvious to everyone that they had major issues going on. But Will… She had *never* noticed a single fault while on duty, he was always ready for anything unexpected, the perfect officer. And the perfect friend, she thought as she recalled the numerous times he helped her out of her own share of dilemmas and trilemmas. No one could ever have suspected he carried such a burden.
"How could he look at me every day and keep all this hidden behind that wall?" wondered Deanna. In theory, as a counselor, she would have claimed it was impossible, and yet, here she had living proof – and this would be a new frontier in human psychology if the test subject wasn't her beloved Will.
**Why didn't you tell me?**
**I just couldn't hurt you again after all you've been though because of me. And it's not this bad usually, just today…** he lied, as he tried to break free from her embrace.
She just held him tight, and wouldn't let go. And for the first time in years, he felt a sense of relief; his burden had disappeared. He had finally let her in, the only person in this world who he trusted unconditionally. She was his savior.
**And what's so special about today?** she joked, sensing his relief. Things were looking up.
**It's our anniversary.**
**What anniversary?** Deanna was confused. The only two anniversaries that they had was the day they met and the day they she told him he was her Imzadi. And she knew the exact dates of both and they were *not* today.
**Risa… we were supposed to meet today, fifteen years ago.**
She was shocked! So deep was his remorse that he remembered the date!
When she regained her thoughts, and the flow of emotions grew steadier, she was amazed by her own feelings in the whole matter. Years ago she had banned the word Risa from her vocabulary, from her mind and her heart. She never wanted to hear that name again. But today… upon remembering it all... she felt free. She no longer felt any resentment towards him. Her mind was telling her she shouldn't just forgive and forget, but her heart was wiped clean. There was no place for anything but love for her Imzadi. True love. She had gotten over it, without even realizing it. It wasn't something she would delight in remembering again, but it was in the past, in another lifetime, it was gone. Now all she cared about was helping Will overcome his guilt and despair. She knew she could do it, because, as the popular human saying goes ~love conquers all~.
"Love conquers all," she whispered and she led him towards the bed, feeling his exhaustion. She helped him into his pajamas and as much as she wanted to stay with him and make love to him, she knew he was in no shape for such activity. He needed to rest his mind and soul, and she better leave before anything happened. As she tucked him in, he looked like a lost child in need of love. She knew she could give him what he needed, just not tonight. As she was about to go, he caught her hand, and gave her a pleading look with those sad-puppy eyes of his.
**Don't go… just stay… and hold me. Just hold me…**
How could she say no to that? To those blue eyes of his?
She changed into one of his shirts and slipped into the bed next to him. She wrapped her arms around his waist and he intertwined his fingers with hers.
Will fell asleep almost instantly while she enjoyed the warmth of his body next to hers. It had been a long time since she had had him like this. Too long. This was what she had missed. Exactly this. She too drifted to sleep not long afterwards, dreaming of the Jalara Jungle and her first and only true love. Her Imzadi.
As the clock turned and morning came without a sunrise, just as the night had come without a sunset, Will awoke. Deanna's fingers were still entwined with his. During the whole night neither had stirred. Slowly and gently he let go of her hand and lifted her arm as he turned around so he would face her. She instinctively curled up in a fetal position and he lay there, just watching her. He loved to watch her sleep. It was so strange how small and defenseless she looked asleep, like an angel, when in fact she was the strongest woman he knew. He knew her strength came from within, but you couldn't really tell just by looking at her.
He remembered the first time he had laid his eyes on her, on a meadow on Betazed. "She's so small!" was his first thought. Then he slowly observed her other physical features, studying every detail; she had *all* the curves in the *right* places. As his mind tore every single clothing item she wore, Will relished in the imaginary sight. Not knowing just how soon it would be before he wouldn't have to *imagine* anymore.
He was hiding behind a tree, watching her pick flowers on the clearing in the middle of the forest. But she soon became aware that someone was watching her because she sensed Will's thoughts. They were so intense. She, herself, was quite used to men to finding her attractive, and having impure thoughts about her, but this one was different. He was attracted to her physically but there was something more to him. She felt his loneliness, his need to connect on a higher level, beyond the sexual, although that was his primal instinct. As was any man's, she had discovered. It didn't bother her, but she did not like to be spied upon. She looked around and yelled, "Who's there?" but by then Will had already fled.
It was the first time he had felt such a strong attraction towards any woman. And it caught him off guard. He was afraid of what kind of a reaction would follow if he got any closer to her. And yes, it had been *too* long since his last close encounter with any female that wasn't his goldfish. He did hope that he would see the beautiful woman again. He just wasn't aware how soon it would be.
Throughout their romance on Betazed Deanna had never realized it was Will who had been watching her that day in the forest and he never offered the information, too embarrassed after he found out she could sense such emotions.
Upon seeing her again on the Enterprise, on her first day, he had *exactly* the same thoughts. She was as beautiful as he had remembered her, but once again he was surprised by how small she was. Still breathtakingly seductive he tore her clothes off with his mind, this time not having to imagine what lay underneath, but only search in his memory for he had kissed and caressed every square millimeter of this temple that stood before him.
The other thing he had obviously forgotten was that she was an empath, and as Deanna gave him a look of surprise and obvious amusement, showing she was quite pleased that she had not lost her charms before this man who was her Imzadi, Will went completely red that even Picard, who was very absorbed in his explaining to the counselor, noticed and asked if he was alright.
The incident was not to be discussed between the Imzadis until years later, upon realizing that fighting off their relationship was of no use and rekindled their romance.
After passing that hurdle they remembered the episode often and laughed about how it would make a wonderful story for their grandchildren, the PG-13 version, of course.
"If we *ever* have grandchildren!" thought Deanna, bringing her thoughts back to the present. She liked going down memory lane and as emotional as it was to remember their history it didn't provide her with any answers. She was back at square one.
Why?
Everything was going so well, why did he have to mess it all up? As much as he claimed that her answer would not change his love or what they had, she knew that her response would completely change the course of their relationship. And that was something she just wasn't ready for at the moment: change. Why couldn't things just stay the way they were?
The way they were – it was a title of an old Earth movie Deanna loved. But she didn't want to end up like Katie. Whenever she watched it she always felt that there could've been some way Katie could've stayed with Hubbell. She herself thought that when it happened to her she would find a way to make it work out. And now, here she was, in the same situation, thinking it was impossible.
Ughhhhh! She was *so* angry! At herself! She had spent a whole afternoon of self-analysis with no result. She felt like one of her "regulars" as she called them. It was basically a polite term, referring to patients who came to see her many times a week, sometimes every day, to whine about anything they could. They never asked for or listened to her advice and so accordingly never progressed. She liked her patients coming in with a concrete problem and they would work on it together. The results were always positive, no matter how small. After all, that's why she had become a counselor, to help people have a better life, and her regulars, despite understanding they never wanted her help weren't actually energy-boosters or the reason she got out of bed in the morning.
And now she felt like one of them. Going around in circles without confronting the real issue.
Was is something she wanted to do? Definitely.
Was it something she should do? Now that was a whole other spectrum.
Why was this so hard now? She had already answered that same question long ago and during her whole life she thought this decision, of all the ones she would have to make, would be the easiest one. Her guidelines always were:
~Do I love him?~ and ~Does he love me?~
There was never even a shadow of a doubt as to the answer of either.
So that was it?! It seemed too easy after such inner conflicts.
And then she sensed him, a fuzzy warm feeling overflowed her body. He was near.
**Imzadi?** she called out.
There was no response.
**I know you're there. You know you can't hide from me.**
Still quiet, she tensed up. What if he was tired of waiting for her?
**Imzadi…** he reached out, she could feel the love in his thought, but he seemed hesitant, **I'm here…**
He felt her let her guard down which encouraged him to ask, **Have you… made a decision?**
And after so many battles in her mind she let her heart speak, **Yes, Imzadi, yes!! The answer was never anything but yes!**
As her message got across she felt his arms embracing her from behind, slipping a beautiful zamidi ring on her finger.
"Oh!! You remembered!" Deanna shrieked with joy.
Zamidi is a very rare jewel, only to be found in the Jalara Jungle, and a childhood favorite of Deanna's. It was light blue in color and matched Will's eyes perfectly, to Deanna's delight upon meeting him. Humans referred to it as a sapphire/diamond hybrid as it united the best characteristics of each.
**Of course,** was his silent reply.
"But how? When?"
"Last week. I went back for it."
"So… no poor sick cousin?"
"Well… no."
She playfully elbowed him, still enjoying the warm embrace.
"Ouch!" he pretended it hurt and gave her a little nudge.
There was an awkward pause. Both were just taking pleasure in the other's presence, aware that their bond had only gotten stronger in time.
**So… we're really doing this?**
**Is that doubt I sense?** she joked.
**Never!**
**Ever?**
**You have no idea for how long I have imagined this precise moment!**
**What do you mean?** Deanna was confused. They had been going steady for three years now and if he had thought about marriage she would've sensed it.
**Well… ever since we parted on Betazed, after only a few minutes of pondering my future with you… I knew you were the only woman I would ever propose to.**
She knew he was being completely truthful but it was still hard to process. And the broken engagement years ago didn't do much to convince her.
**I know what you're thinking…literally…and this may be hard for you to understand, but after I left all I could think about was marrying you, and on the other side I was *so* afraid. Of what I don't know… of change, of surrendering to another person forever… I don't know… and when the promotion came up it was the perfect excuse. Of course, I convinced myself that the new position was the reason, because I just couldn't admit to myself that I was a coward. That's the real reason I didn't come.**
Deanna understood completely, because that was exactly what was happening to her these past few days since he'd proposed. She was *so* frightened. But now that she'd finally said yes, it felt right.
He read her thoughts, which warmed his heart and encouraged him to continue, **So by the time I missed our Risa meeting and being only friends on the Enterprise, I had pretty much resigned myself that I would never get married or have a family. I was positive I had completely and irreversibly screwed up any chance I had with you and as I said – proposing to another was never an option.**
Deanna was too touched for words. She knew he had loved her like he'd never loved anyone else, but this… this was *Wow!*
**Why didn't you ever tell me? I mean, later on?**
**I just figured you'd label me as a terribly sappy romantic and cross me off your list.**
**But there was never anyone else but you on the list, Imzadi.**
She felt his embrace tighten. She wriggled slightly as she turned to face him, looking into the deep zamidi eyes she had fallen in love with so long ago. On her tiptoes she reached up to kiss him. First slowly and tenderly and as he followed her initiative, their lips worked in harmony. The kiss deepened, as she welcomed his tongue in her mouth while her own gradually slipped into his, never tired of exploring anew.
They felt each other's heartbeat quicken, as Will led her body with his own to the wall, delighting in tearing off her clothes and excited in having her entire self his very own – body and soul.
Deanna was equally as busy, getting rid of his uniform, expertly and impatiently. It had been too long. She wanted him, she needed him; every fiber in her body was drawn to Will like a magnet. How could she have lived so long without him?
Will nudged her gently against the wall, once and again, and they fell into a rhythm, accelerating rapidly, Deanna wrapped her short legs around his waist, as he thrust himself into her, sending her into an ecstasy of fireworks.
They had become one – in mind, body, but most importantly in soul.
That day their souls were joined together, a bond never to be broken.
As they both reached their climax, the rhythm slowed down and the rested their chins on the other's shoulder panting heavily.
All of a sudden Deanna gripped him tightly, almost in panic.
**Imzadi! What is it?** Will inquired, alarmed.
**I'm *so* happy. I just want to stay like this. With you inside of me. And for you to hold me... Just hold me, Will, just hold me.**
And as a happy tear trickled down her face and onto Will's shoulder, he held her as tightly as humanly possible. He wanted to make sure she knew he was going to be there for her. For the rest of their lives. And he'd never let her go. Ever! Because what he had with her was something that could only be described as pure love… as Imzadi.
~ FIN ~