Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Stupidity
Produced
by "Travis", Directed by StealthDude 21
Travis: The Wabash River--
Otacon: Hudson River.
Travis: Huh?
Otacon: It's the HUDSON River. Geez, if you're going to have a flashback, at least do it right.
Travis: ...Right. The Hudson River, four years ago--
Otacon: TWO YEARS!
Travis: What?
Otacon: IT HAPPENED TWO YEARS AGO, YOU DOLT!!! Just let me do this part.
Travis: But I want to do it...
Otacon: (Thwacks Travis with a cart of pineapples.) Alright. The Hudson River, two years ago. We had classified intelligence that a new type of Metal Gear was scheduled for transport. The whole thing stank--
Travis: (Still dazed) And so do you.
Otacon: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (Stabs Travis to death with a magic marker.) You know what, just forget it! I don't know who the hell I'm talking to anyway. Let's just get this flashback over with.
Travis: Why am I dead?!
Otacon: You're not! You're one of the main characters in this f***ed up story. I can't kill you, no matter how much I want to.
Travis: ...Oh.
(Fade in to the George Washington bridge, overlooking the Hudson River. Travis walks across the bridge while numerous cars drive past him.)
Random Motorist: Get a job, ya bum!
Travis: (Gives the motorist an obscene hand gesture.)
Random Motorist: RRRRRRGGGGHHH!! (Speeds away.)
(Travis dons his sunglasses, looking badass in the process. He takes a long drag on a cigarette and throws it away. He coughs and gags uncontrollably since he doesn't smoke. He then falls flat on his face since he can't see a damn thing through his shades.)
Travis: Sonofa...
(Travis gets up and starts running. He tries to activate the stealth gear, but accidentally drops it over the edge.)
Travis: Whoops...
Otacon: ...Baka.
(Travis continues to run anyway. He jumps off the edge, hoping to pull some über-cool moves in the air while he bungee jumps down to the tanker. Of course, the moment he jumps off the bridge, he realizes that he forgot the bungee cord. He falls thirty stories, crashes through the deck of the tanker, and lands in the basement level.)
(Meanwhile, Ocelot flies overhead in his helicopter. He saw the whole thing through his binoculars.)
Ocelot: Damn! That kicked ass! (Flies away)
(The words Metal Gear Solid 2©: Sons of Liberty®™ appear over... a big hole in the deck.)
Otacon: (Calling Travis on the Codec.) Nice landing, dumbass. You're lucky you can't die.
Travis: Then why the hell am I dead?!
Otacon: You're not! Didn't I already explain to you why you can't die?
Travis: Well, you explained to me before the flashback, two years from now. So, technically, I'm not supposed to know about it yet.
Otacon: (Momentarily stunned by Travis's logic.) ......Right. Well, now that you're here, let's start the mission. First, you need to-- (Pauses. Looks through the player's guide.) YOU MORON! You're supposed to be on the deck.
Travis: Gee, I wish you would have said something, you know, BEFORE I plunged to my death.
Otacon: YOU'RE NOT DEAD! Now, go to the deck right now! (Turns the Codec off.)
Travis: Yeah, easy for you to say. (Proceeds to walk up to the upper level. Most of the Marines are either getting drunk at the bar or reading "BOOKS" in the lounge. Travis simply walks by the guards and goes to the exit)
Otacon: (Calls Travis on the Codec.) Travis, in order to open the door, press the action button.
Travis: Okay....... (Stares at the door for a minute.) ......and how do I do that?
Otacon: How the hell should I know? (Hangs up.)
Travis: (Thinks about it for a second.) Hey, I got an idea!
Otacon: God help us. Before you do anything stupid, want me to save your data?
-YES
NO
Travis: Sure.
Otacon: Okay, you data is saved. Your Chinese proverb is..... damn, where's my fortune cookie? (Hangs up.)
Travis: Suck. Well, now onto my master plan that cannot fail. (Walks into a bar and talks to a Marine.) Um, excuse me. Could you open the door for me?
Marine: Nnnnn.... (Too drunk to know better. Walks Travis to the door and opens it for him. He then goes back to the bar and passes out.)
Otacon: (Contacts Travis on the Codec... again.) Okay, your mission is to take pictures of the new Metal Gear that's on this ship. It should be somewhere in the lower levels.
Travis: ...But you just told me to go topside.
Otacon: (Completely ignoring Travis.) First, you need to find a good hiding place. Then use your new digital camera to look around.
Travis: (Hides behind a wall and reaches into his supply pack.) Oops...
Otacon: (Almost too afraid to ask.) What is it?
Travis: I think I left my camera in my other sneaking suit.
Otacon: (Jumps out of the hole Travis made in the deck. He rolls up his player's guide and whacks Travis with it.) YOU FRICKIN' DUMBASS!!! Now you won't be able to see the Russian guys take over the ship and kill the crew. You won't even be able to get me a picture of their leader, who happens to be Gurlukovich, who later gets killed by Ocelot.
Travis: ...........?
Otacon: I have the player's guide, remember? Anyway, you know what's going on. Now, go to the top level of the tanker and fight the Russian chick. Use your M-9 tranquilizer gun to take care of any Russian dudes that get in your way.
Travis: ....................
Otacon: What now?
Travis: I left my M-9 in my other sneaking suit too.
Otacon: AAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Russian Soldier #1: (Hears Otacon's yelling.) What's going on over here?!
Otacon: (Dropkicks Russian Soldier #1 off the tanker.) Well, Mr. "Secret Agent", what exactly do you have?
Travis: (Looks in his supply pack.) Oh, I have these "BOOKS".
Otacon: (Dropkicks Travis off the tanker.) Damn! This is the last time I look for spies in the yellow pages!
Travis: (Comes up from behind Otacon.) Yo.
Otacon: (Spins around in surprise.) How the hell did you get up here?! I thought I killed you!
Travis: You saved my data, remember? Besides, you can't kill me. You said so yourself.
Otacon: SUCK!
(Just then, they hear two gunshots.)
Travis & Otacon: Who dat?
(They run around the corner and see a guy holding a modified RC-P90 with smoke coming out of the barrel. There are two Russian soldiers (#2 & #3) lying on the ground next to him, dead.)
Otacon: Who the hell are you?!
????: Heh, heh, heh! I'm--
Travis: Hey! You're Trace Bullet!
Trace Bullet: (Shoots Travis with his gun.) Ahem! Where was I? Oh yeah! I'm... (dons his shades) ...Trace Bullet! (The Trace Bullet theme starts playing.)
[[a/n: If the theme existed, it would have to be by Pantera]]
Otacon: Uh, where's that music coming from?
Travis: (Gets up and starts to sing the theme song.)
Otacon: (Takes a pineapple and hits Travis over the head with it, knocking him out.) What are you doing here, Trace? I thought Snake was supposed to be here.
Trace Bullet: Yeah, well, he kinda got stuck in one of those boxes of his... and I think I accidentally mailed him to China. Besides, I'm better than him anyway. So, get your friend and let's go.
Travis: Why the hell am I dead?!
Otacon & Trace: YOU'RE NOT DEAD!!
(Otacon & Travis follow Trace over to the entrance.)
Travis: Trace, in order to open the door, press the action button.
Trace: ..................o-kay........
Travis: I couldn't find the action button either.
Trace: Right, well this is how I open doors. (Loads a grenade into his launcher and shoots the door. There is now an über-grandé hole in the wall.)
Travis & Otacon: DAMN! That kicked ASS!
(All three walk through the new hole in the wall.)
Russian Soldier #4: Hey! What was that noise? (Sees Trace, Otacon, and Travis. A large "!" appears over his head.) Freeze!
Travis & Otacon: (Raising their hands.) Oh crap!
Trace: Let me handle this. (Walks over to the soldier.) Do you know how many nameless mercenaries I've taken down? Look at you. Not even a nametag.
Russian Soldier #4: (Lowers his gun) Damn...
Trace: (Takes his gun out and shoots the Russian soldier. The soldier flies back several feet and blood shoots out everywhere.) And that... (Dons his shades as the Trace Bullet theme song plays again.) ...is how I do it.
Travis & Otacon: EXCELLENT!!!!!
(Trace Bullet, Travis, and Otacon go into the next room. There are two Russian soldiers getting drunk at the bar. Trace chucks a grenade under the stools. BOOM!!!!)
(Meanwhile, the filthy, Mexican-sounding Russian dude downstairs sleeps through the whole thing. The three go upstairs and kill two more soldiers. They continue up another flight of stairs to find themselves in an empty hallway.)
Trace: Well, this place looks safe. Come on, let's go. (Starts to walk down the hallway.)
Travis: (Looks up and sees a camera.) Hey! Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
Trace: What the hell is that supposed to m-- (Looks up and sees the camera.) DAMN!
(Shoots the camera.) Get ready everyone! Guards will be here any second now!
(Everyone gets ready. Trace removes the safety on the RC-P90, Otacon equips his trusty player's guide, and Travis uncaps a magic marker.)
All: .....
(Nothing happens.)
Trace: Huh, guess they got their cameras from Radio Shack.
(The three continue upstairs. They reach the level with the cafeteria and the SEMTEX.)
Travis: (Walks over to the SEMTEX.) Hey, what's this?
Trace & Otacon: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
(Travis walks straight into the lasers. Kaboom.)
Trace & Otacon: (Both take pineapples from the store room and continually hit Travis with them.) YOU (thwack) FRICKEN' (thwack) DUMB (thwack) ASS!! (...thwack.)
Travis: I'm (OW!) really (OW!) sorry! (OW!) But (OW!) look, the (OW!) ship's (OW!) still (OWWW!) here!
Otacon: What the hell? Why didn't the ship go boom?
Travis: Ummmm........................Radio Shack?
(The 'Heroes' go upstairs and into the control room.)
Travis: (Staring out the window.) Whoa! Look at all the helicopters!
Otacon: You moron! Those are enemy helicopters!
Trace: (Muttering to himself...) Enemy helicopters... alright! A boss fight! (The others look at Trace with a confused stare.) ...what? Look! There's the Russian chick! (Points out the window.)
(Olga (a.k.a. the Russian Chick) is walking outside. She's talking to someone on the phone.)
Olga: ...what don't you understand? Deliver twenty-five pizzas to the docked tanker full of Russian soldiers on the Hudson River....... Oh yeah?! Well, same to you!! (Hangs up.)
(Back in the control room...)
Trace: She's obviously talking to her superior...
Travis: (Spacing out.) Whoa, hot!
(Olga lifts her arm up, revealing a hairy armpit.)
Travis: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (Pulls out an M-9 and shoots himself, knocking himself out.)
Otacon: Hmm, well I'll be... He did have the M-9!
Trace: What do you wanna bet the first thing he says when he wakes up is "Why the hell am I dead?"
Otacon: ...I'll bet that he also has the camera, too...
Trace: (Shoots the door and makes a huge hole in the wall. He runs through.) Freeze, Russian chick!
Russian Chick: Who the hell are-- (Looks at the script.) Ha ha. Very funny. My name's Olga, you idiots. Now, who the hell are you?
Trace: Heh, heh, heh! I'm--
Olga: Wait a second, you're Trace Bullet!
Trace: Aaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhh!!! (Takes his shotgun out and shoots Olga.) Damn! Why do they always insist on interrupting my big entrance?! Once again, I'm... (Dons his shades as the Trace Bullet theme song fades in.) ...Trace Bullet! Now you'll pay!
Otacon: Um, you already got her.
Trace: Oh. Well, she's still alive. She's just out cold.
Travis: (Walks outside.) Why the hell am I dead?
(Trace glances over at Otacon and smiles. Otacon forks over a twenty.)
Trace: You're not dead. But say that one more time and you will be.
Travis: (Shrugs.) Hey, you beat the Russian chick!
Trace: Yeah, well you're just in time to see me finish her off.
Travis: (Walks over to Olga and picks up her gun.) Damn, there's no more bullets left! (Looks over at Otacon.) Hey, shouldn't you be saving our data?
Otacon: Are you kidding? We have Trace Bullet on our side! Why should I save the game? I mean, what could possibly go wrong?
Travis: (Starts aiming the gun.) Yeah, I guess you're right. Hey! There's one bullet left!
(BANG! Travis was so excited, he accidentally pulled the trigger.... and hit Trace.)
Trace: Ugh... This wasn't in the....... script. (Falls over the railing.)
Otacon: (Staring in disbelief.) What.....just........happened?
Travis: Oh well.
Otacon: (On the verge of tears.) We had Trace Bullet. We were invincible...
Travis: C'mon now. So what if we're unarmed and trapped on a tanker filled with an endless number of enemy soldiers that probably want to kill us? I'm sure we'll find a way downstairs.
(After much practice, Travis and Otacon mastered the fine art of hiding under cardboard boxes. They were able to sneak past the Gurlukovich soldiers, feared throughout the world for their cunning and intellect. Slowly but surely, they made their way to the lower decks of the ship. After a little "experimentation" with a couple packs of SEMTEX, they managed to get past those troublesome doors. There were soldiers waiting to ambush Travis and Otacon in the dark hallway, but they ran away and screamed like pansies at first sight of the explosions. It wasn't long before the heroic... um... heroes of this messed up story found their way into the first room with all of the Marines.)
Otacon: HOLY HELL! Look at all of those Marines!
Travis: Relax. We'll just use our trusty boxes.
Otacon: Gee, that'd be nice if our boxes didn't catch on fire from all of those explosions...
Travis: ...although, you gotta admit that one box enduring seventeen explosions is pretty impressive.
Otacon: Yeah, that's true. But still, how the hell are we going to sneak past 300 Marines?
Travis: Hmmmm...... you're right. We'll need a diversionary tactic...
(Five minutes later...)
Otacon: (Surrounded by about 300 Marines.) God, I hate you Travis.
Travis: (Inside the small hallway.) Thanks, Otacon, for "volunteering" for the diversion plan. Now, time to expose Metal Gear.
(Travis enters the room with Metal Gear Ray in it... and finds Marine Commander Scott Dolph, Gurlukovich, and a whole bunch of Russian soldiers and Marines lying on the floor, dead. Ocelot is standing in the middle of it.)
Ocelot: (To the surviving soldiers.) All right. Show's over.
Travis: Aw nuts. I missed the whole betrayal scene.
Ocelot: (Holds up the detonator.) Now you all DIE!!!
Travis: (Dramatically, in slow motion.) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(KABOOM!!! The explosions can be heard everywhere. Soldiers are flying left and right. Ocelot jumps over to Ray and is about to enter the Metal Gear.
Travis: (Rushing to the scene.) OCELOT!
Ocelot: (Right hand begins to twitch.) Aaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!
Travis: What the f***?!
Ocelot: (In a British accent.) It's been awhile, bro-- (Looks at Travis.) Who the hell are you?
Travis: Hi, I'm Travis.
Ocelot: But how...... why..... when..... oh, bloody hell. (Shoots Travis.)
Travis: Aaaaaa-aaaarrrr-aaaarrrrrrrggggghhhhhh!!! (Falls over.)
(With that, Ocelot jumps into Metal Gear Ray's cockpit. He seals the hatch and presses the go button.)
Ocelot: .........................
(Suddenly, Ocelot rushes out of Ray.)
Ocelot: Okay, who forgot to charge the battery? Oh, well. Big Shell's gonna have like thirty of them anyway. Well, I guess I should be leaving now.
Travis: WHY THE HELL AM I DEAD?!
(BAM! BAM!)
????: Because I say so.
Travis: Ugh... not again. (Falls over... again.)
Ocelot: Not again. Who the hell are YOU?
????: Heh, heh, heh! I'm--
Ocelot: Hey, aren't you Trace Bullet?
Trace: .............(Shoots Ocelot with a Stinger Missile. He then jumps above the platform and fires multiple grenades at Ocelot's body on his way down.)
Otacon: Where the hell are you getting all of these weapons?!
Trace: Um.... (Points to his hat.) ....infinite ammo?
Otacon: That doesn't even make sense? How can a hat grant infinite ammo and weapons?!
Trace: It doesn't matter, for I am Trace Bull--
(Suddenly, the wall collapses and water comes rushing in.)
Trace: --shit.
(Two years later, which brings us to now...)
Voiceover: What's going to happen to Trace and Otacon? More importantly, what about our courageous hero Travis?
Otacon: Um, Travis? You know that we survived. You're not fooling anyone.
Voiceover: Travis? I know not of this Travis fellow you speak of... um... What's that?! (Travis runs away)
TO BE CONTINUED. . . ?