~|~ Thursday night, 8:13pm

Journal—

When you look at the Varsity team here at Eden Hall, I'm the one most likely to write in a journal, or something similar. I actually got this idea to do this thing from my English teacher, Mr Beechman. He was saying something today about how William Shakespeare kept a journal of all the things he accomplished, and all of his dreams. And it was one of the only indications of Shakespeare's life outside his plays and sonnets.

So, without knowing it, Mr Beechman convinced me that this journal might be a good way to get my feelings out. All the feelings I have bottled up inside of me that are just dying to get out. But first, I guess I should introduce myself, that is, if that's normal? I've never done this journal thing before, so bear with me.

My name is Adam Banks; I'm 18 and a senior at Eden Hall Academy. I'm on the Varsity hockey team along with 12 other people who I've known for what seems like forever. I play third line centre and I love every minute of it. I'm a pretty good student; good enough that most of my friends need to copy my homework each morning.

I share a room here at Eden Hall with a fellow teammate of mine, Guy Germaine. It's funny; I never woulda thought Guy and I'd be friends up until we started rooming together. It's strange, he's actually become the closest thing to a true friend I've ever had. He's out at the moment, probably with his girlfriend, so I thought I'd take this opportunity to start this.

Writing this down makes it feel like writing a real important letter…you never know what to say, afraid that it'll sound dorky or stupid, but I guess, no one will be reading this, thankfully, so I can sound as dorky as I want.

Sorry, I just got a phone call. My mother. I still can't decide if I like having her try to rule my life. Man, that was an admission there. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom, but ever since my older brother Daniel went off to college in New York, she's at a loss of what to do. So she's trying to run my life, much to my chagrin. But is there really an easy way to tell my mother to get lost when she's going to be paying for my college education? No, didn't think so.

At least my dad isn't so bad. He just pushes me too hard. In everything. Hockey, school, life. I gotta be the best at everything, he says. Gotta be a perfect son, do him proud. I guess being gay doesn't fit into that equation?

Surprised, journal? Surprised that I'm gay? I was too, a big culture shock. I'm coming to terms with it now, and even though I haven't publicly released it a la billboard and press conference, doesn't mean I'm….what? Embarrassed? Ashamed? Deluded? Ha, I'm scared, I think, more than anything. Scared to tell people and scared to find out their reactions. The only person who knows is Guy, and let me tell you, he's so not what I expected. He was so understanding, and he just listened to me when I told him, didn't judge me, didn't try to kill me or ridicule me. He's a real buddy.

And I know what you're thinking, 'Ooh, Adam's in love with Guy!', but I assure you, it's not Guy I'm in love with. God, I thought this would be easy to write. 'Cause I know I'd never be able to admit this to anyone. I think I'm in love with Charlie Conway. And when I say I think, I think I mean I know. And yes, that sounds as confusing to me as it would to you.

I've been gay for maybe a year now. I haven't really marked it on my calendar. 'October 3, Adam's one year gay anniversary.' I was being sarcastic. I'm not real good at it. When did I first realise? When I accidentally walked in on Charlie in the locker room showers…it was SO embarrassing…~|~

"Ok Banks, good play today," Coach Ted Orion told me as the rest of my team trailed off the ice. "Only thing is you gotta keep your head in the game, I've never seen you so distracted."

I nodded. "I know, I've got a big physics exam coming up next week, it's gonna kill me," I told him.

He smiled, not fully, just slightly, in true Orion fashion. "I know how important school is to you, and I have to commend you for being so committed, but just try to separate your schoolwork from your hockey, ok?"

"Sure thing Coach," I told him.

He clapped me on the shoulder. "I also want to talk to you about Varsity…"

I groaned inwardly. I'd been hearing this same tune ever since I'd rejoined the Ducks back in my freshmen year. 'You're too good for JV', 'you belong on Varsity', and 'You're wasting your talent' You name it, I'd heard it.

"Coach, I don't want to be on Varsity." I told him. "I just want to stay here with the Ducks."

"I know you do, son," Orion said, gesturing for me to hop into the box with him and sit down. "But staying in JV could seriously hurt your chances for the future."

I swallowed. "With all do respect, sir, I've already been accepted to the best university there is here in Minnesota, I don't need to show-off."

Orion nodded, mulling my statement over. "What are you going to major in?"

I smiled slightly. "Medicine in sport."

He nodded. "How did I know that sport would somehow placate itself in your college education?" He paused. "Good luck Adam, I really mean that."

He stood up, and I stood with him.

"Thanks Coach," I said.

He clapped my shoulder one more time before he walked off the ice and I headed toward the locker rooms, met by Fulton, Portman, Averman, Goldberg and Kenny.

"Where are you guys off to?" I asked them, accepting the towel Portman chucked in my face.

"Quad," Fulton answered. "They're showing all the Rocky movies."

I laughed and continued into the practically empty locker room.

"Hey Cake eater," Dwayne greeted, putting his cowboy hat on over his neatly combed hair.

"Hey Dwayne," I said as I sat down to untie my skates.

"You coming to the quad tonight?" he asked in his southern drawl as he threw his wet towel into the laundry sack.

I shook my head. "No way partner, I got a physics final I need to cram for."

"Well, good luck," Dwayne said as Guy, Russ and Luis joined him.

"Later Banks," Guy said, giving me a smile as they filed out.

I smiled at the closing door, thankful to be alone. I just wanted to have a hot, relaxing shower and go back to my dorm room and study until my brain slid out of my ear.

I stripped off my jersey and all my equipment, shoving it all in the right paces, and wrapping a towel around my boxer shorts and grabbing my shower caddy, I barefooted it into the showers.

"Anyone in here?" I asked as I hung my towel on the rack and got my soap and shampoo out.

The sound of the water shutting off up the end of the showers didn't faze me much as I gave my wrist a massage in the steamy bathroom. Supposedly the steam loosens up muscles? I always questioned it, but it seemed to work.

I turned around and yawned, my body exhausted from the gruelling practice.

"Holy shit, Banks!"

My eyes flew open and I came face-to-face, well, face to…body with Charlie Conway.

"Charlie!" I exclaimed as I noticed his extreme state of undress.

Now, you're wondering why the hell are we acting like this when we've shared public showers with each other and nine other guys for about 10 years? It's because none of us has really seen each other naked before. And most of the time, there are usually cubicles, and if not, you go to any length to have it so no one catches a glimpse of your equipment. It's just not something you're best friend is supposed to see.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I screeched as I tried to avert my eyes from…him. I tried, I really did, but it was just, there. And he didn't seem to be trying to cover himself up either.

"Me? What are you doing here?" Charlie shot back, his voice climbing several octaves.

I cleared my throat. "I'm taking a shower…I'd thought you'd left!"

Charlie blushed and quickly flew into action, covering up his crotch with his shower pack. "I thought I was alone so I took a shower down the back and thought I'd take my time! I didn't expect company."

I smiled sheepishly. "Sorry," I said. "I called out," I offered.

He snorted. "Good lot that did."

I bit the inside of my cheek. The situation was funny, but there was no way I was going to laugh, that was one thing you never did to a guy when you'd just seen his…tackle.

"I'm gonna go," he said suddenly, backing away from me.

I smiled. "See you later, Charlie."

I had to chuckle as I heard him hastily dress and gather up his stuff and clear out as quickly as he could. This would be something neither of us would forget in a hurry.

~|~ So yeah, that was when I first realised, I think. At least, as I stood there and showered after Charlie had left, all I could think about was my reaction to seeing him. It didn't bother me, it was…nice. Not nice like teddy bears and candy, but…nice. I mean, I knew way before then that I wasn't like my other friends. I wasn't a womaniser like Luis or a hopeless romantic like Guy. I think I knew I liked boys from the very beginning.

It'd been so long since my last relationship. Since the horribly toxic joining of Bradie and I in my sophomore year. She was so bad for me, everyone knew it. Luckily she tired of me and dumped my ass the day after my birthday. She was a real sweetheart. See, sarcasm.

Anyway, after seeing Charlie naked, things were a little weird between us, but strangely, the shock meeting brought us closer. And no, I don't mean in that way, but as friends. It was nice. And I couldn't deny the feelings I was suddenly having for him, but I never said anything about it, never to anyone.

Man, I feel better. In some weird, twisted way, writing all of this down has made me feel less of a freak, more like a human. And I'm going to state it here for all the world (me and me only) to know: I'M GAY! AND PROUD OF IT!

I'm gonna go now, because Guy should be home soon, and I don't want him catching me writing this.

So, ciao for now,

Adam D. Banks ~|~

**

"Hey Banks."

I smiled. "Hey Guy. You got in late last night."

He nodded. "I was studying in the library. I just know I'm gonna fail my home ec exam today."

Charlie laughed. "See, you thought it was so smart to do that subject because you thought it'd be easy. And now look at you."

Guy shrugged and took a sip of his orange juice as well all sat in the cafeteria for breakfast.

It's funny, we've been doing this just over 4 years and we still sit in the same place for breakfast lunch and dinner. Charlie sits on my left and Guy on my right and I sit opposite Russ. And I usually eat the same thing too. Scrambled eggs, 3 pieces of toast and a piece of fruit. Usually an apple. It's amazing how monotonous things become when you do them everyday.

"So, street hockey today?" Julie asked as she took a spoonful of what looked like oats.

Charlie shrugged. "I don't know about you guys, but I've my legal studies exam in three days, and Mrs Buchanan hates me enough as it is. I can't afford to fail this test."

Russ snorted. "I'm so glad I transferred into art."

"Yeah, shut up," Charlie grumbled.

I cleared my throat slightly. "I can help you if you want?" I said to Charlie as Russ turned to Dwayne for conversation.

"Are you serious?" Charlie asked, dropping his spoon into his Rice Bubbles. "Because if you did I swear…I'd love you forever."

I tried hard not to blush, but every time I'm with Captain Duck, he unintentionally does something that makes me want him more. And that's not good.

"How about tonight?" I offered, covering up my embarrassment with a gulp of juice.

"Sounds good," he said. "You're gonna be my passing angel, Adam Banks," he smiled and clapped me on the shoulder, turning back to his breakfast.

I smiled and finished off my apple.

"Banks, you got the physics homework?" Portman called to me from the other end of the table.

I produced the said document and had it passed up the table, where Portman gave me a thumbs-up sign and began to furiously scribble my answers down. Thanks to me, Portman was good a student as I was.

Charlie set down his glass and burped, and then began to collect his books. "I gotta go see Orion, but Banks, how about we go back to my room after dinner to study?" he asked.

I nodded. "Ok."

"Oh, that's good," Fulton said, butting into our conversation. "'Cause I'm going to stay the weekend at home. My grandma's really sick."

Fulton is Charlie's roommate.

"Cool, so we got the room to ourselves," Charlie said. "You can stay the night then Banksie."

I smiled and nodded, trying to pretend that didn't mean more to me than it actually did.

"Ok, see ya later," Charlie said and sped off.

I ate the rest of my breakfast in silence, quietly musing to myself about the study session. I felt giddy and excitable. I didn't know how I would be able to sit through 5 classes.

"Come on Banks, we got physics," Portman said, practically reefing my up by the back of my polo shirt.

"Thanks for the lift, Portman," I muttered as I slung my backpack onto my back and followed him out of the dining hall.

This was going to be one long-ass day.