"I don't get this. I'm definitely gonna fail!"

I sighed. "Charlie, you're not gonna fail! We'll keep studying until you get it!"

He smiled up at me. "I'm not keeping you from studying your own subjects am I?"

He's so sweet. "No, I don't have any major exams until the week after next."

He smiled again. "Thanks a lot for doing this, you're a real bud."

I smiled back at him and for a minute, thought about what it'd be like to kiss him. But I quickly banished the thought. Neither of us needed the weirdness that came with kisses and confessed feelings. Nothing good would come of me giving into temptation.

"Banks?" Charlie asked, waving a hand in front of my face. "You ok? You zoned."

"Yeah, I'm good," I answered. "Anyway, where were we?"

"Torts." Charlie told me. "I used to think torts meant cakes, but now I know it only means horrible, evil punishment."

I rolled my eyes. "Come on, tell me what an abatement means."

Charlie looked at me blankly for a second then smiled. "Something to do with fishing?"

"Oh boy, you are gonna fail this exam!"

"Don't say that!" Charlie said, punching my arm. "I won't fail if you and you're amazing brain helps me!"

I set him with a look. "Charlie, do you even know what tort law is?"

He smiled. "Like I said, cakes. And horrible punishment."

I groaned. "This is gonna take some time…"

He shrugged. "We've got all weekend."

"I suppose we do," I said, smiling. "Ok, now tort law is the law of personal injury."

"Personal injury got it."

I smiled at Charlie's serious expression but continued. "And the theme song, if you will is: 'You must take reasonable care to avoid acts or omissions which you can reasonably foresee would be likely to injure your neighbour.'"

Charlie scribbled furiously as I read, making sure he had it all down. I waited for him to finish.

**

"Can I just say you are the easiest person to study with?" Charlie said as he exited the bathroom later that night after 3 intense hours of studying. At least he had a grip on what torts were now.

"Thanks," I said, folding back Fulton's bed and sliding into it. "But we've still got a lot of work to do."

Charlie nodded, climbing into his own bed. "I only wish I'd paid attention in class…or sat next to you."

I laughed. "You still wouldn't have paid attention!" I teased.

Charlie chuckled. "Yeah, I know." He shut off the lamp. "'Night Adam."

"'Night Charlie."

It only occurred to me after lying there for 15 minutes that Charlie had called me by my first name. It was a nice thing to fall asleep to.

**

~|~ Saturday morning, 10:41pm

We studied all morning, journal. And if it's even possible, I think I'm falling more in love with Charlie Conway than I ever have been.

He's so easy to get along with, not that I already knew that, it's just, he's so him when he's on his own, without the team around, or a hockey stick in hand, he's just Charlie Conway, friend.

We decided to take a break from studying for a few hours and then meet up in the dining hall at noon. Charlie's gone down to the rink for a few laps, but I had to rush back here and write everything down. Pathetic huh? I've had this journal for three days and I'm already obsessed with it.

Actually, I'm finding that this whole writing stuff down is helping get out all my feelings. I haven't felt this free and unburdened in a while.

So Charlie and I aren't studying tonight, but we've got a date for this afternoon. We're moving onto negligence and defamation. Not that that's even remotely important. I just like all those stupid little details that define our friendship. It's so…simple. Like it doesn't matter, but it does, you know?

God, I'm turning into an illiterate sap. I spend a few hours with the guys and I lose my ability to voice anything.

It's just a pity Charlie's straight.

But oh well, I can live in a fantasy, right? I mean, that's all I have left. But that doesn't matter, right? For once I'm living, I'm actually feeling something. And to me, that's more important that what's real. It's real for me.

I just wish maybe, Charlie is gay. That's so selfish of my I can't believe I wrote that. I was going to delete it, but I realise that it needs to stay there, so when I look back in 10 years time, I can remember things how they really were, not the glorified version.

I need to see that my life has actually done something with itself instead of being like it was at the end of freshmen year. It was so bad back then, after all the Varsity crap was over…I just got depressed. Really depressed, and suicidal. It's hard to believe isn't it? That someone you know or even yourself could feel like that. Feel so bad that you don't want to live. Well I've been there, I know what it felt like to look in the mirror and despise yourself for living. And I lived it everyday.

I got help, I did, and I took all these pills to make me feel better, but every time I swallowed one, it reminded me how sick I really was. That I wasn't better, that I wouldn't be for a long time, and that made it worse. I didn't see any of the Ducks for maybe three weeks. Except for Guy that is. And even then I didn't talk to him, just lay in my bed, facing the wall, not talking, not moving, thinking of ways to end the pain.

God, I feel like I'm writing one of those self-help books. And it all sounds so surreal, false even. I just wish it was. I still have the scars, both physical and emotional to remind me that it was real. It took a really raw meeting with my parents, therapist and the Ducks to realise what I was doing, that I was hurting myself, though at the time, it felt otherwise.

I spent two weeks at home 'recuperating'. The reason I write that in '' is because, roughly translated, it means that my mom got to fuss over me, and my brother got to mercilessly tease me for not being strong enough, and all the while having to walk around with a bandage around my left wrist, a constant reminder of how stupid I was and of how close I'd come to losing it all.

I make it sound so horrifying, and it was. And maybe this journal thing wasn't such a good idea, because now I'm depressed. But I guess now, I can proudly say that I am 100% better, even though I have the odd day, I know that I have 12 wonderful friends who are there for me, and parents that care, even though one seems to care too much.

Gosh, all this truth stuff makes me feel so tired. Exhausted. But I feel better. Someone knows the full story, the bad stuff and the good stuff. And even if it is just some file on a computer, it's something, you know?

I don't know what to say now. That was the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and I managed to write it all down without crying. I'm ashamed of the truth, because it means I have to admit what a complete retard I was. I look back and wish I'd just talked to someone. Grabbed Charlie or Guy by the arm and just spilled it all. But I didn't, and now I have to live with it.

But that's enough about that. I don't want to dwell on it. It hurts too much.

I guess I should go now. I have to meet Charlie in 20. And my stomach is growling.

Adios,

Adam D. Banks. ~|~

**

I yawned tiredly, stumbling into my dorm room at 8:15, throwing my jacket on my desk and waiting for Guy to follow me in. Today had been such a hard day. I have never studied that hard before in my life, it felt abnormal. And I'm a geek.

I collapsed onto my bed, full from dinner, and satisfied with my afternoon with Charlie. We'd spent most of the time dutifully studying, but the rest of the time, mucking around and talking. Did you know his dad left when he was 6? I mean, I knew his dad had left, I just wasn't sure.

"Can we talk?" Guy asked me, sitting down at his desk.

I sat up. "Sure, what's up?"

He shrugged. "Halle and I broke up."

Halle is/was Guy's girlfriend.

"Shit, that sucks man," I told him, running a hand through my hair.

He nodded. "Yeah, I know…I'm just going through a bit right now…"

"You know I'm here if you wanna get it off your chest, right?" I asked him.

He looked up and nodded. "How about we talk some other time, I'm really bombed," he said, lying back on his bed.

I nodded. "Sure, sleep. I'm gonna go see Charlie, he said he wanted to do some more studying."

Guy barely nodded as I slipped my jacket back on and left the room, walking down the hall slowly. There was something wrong with him, more than breaking up with his girlfriend. He was always such a good friend to me, I only hoped I could be the same for him.

I stopped in front of Charlie's door and knocked, and it nearly opened immediately.

"Hey Banksie," he said, opening the door so I could slip inside.

"Hey," I answered and shrugged out of my jacket.

"What's up?" he asked me as I sat down on Fulton's bed.

"Oh, nothing," I said, forcing a smile.

"I know you're lying, but I won't force it," he said, sitting down in his desk chair.

I was preoccupied, I guess. I just wanted to grab him and kiss him, tell him how much I cared for him, but I didn't dare. I just looked up at him.

"Come on, spill," he told me.

"Well…" I began. "Have you ever liked someone so much that it…hurt?"

Charlie smiled. "Who is she?"

I looked at him funny. For some reason I expected him to already know I was gay. "Just this girl," I muttered, dropping my head.

"Have you spoken to her before?" he asked me, sitting forward in the chair.

I nodded. "I speak to her all the time, it's just she doesn't know I exist…in that way."

Charlie nodded, like he was intellectually musing what I'd just said. "You should ask her out."

I nearly laughed. If only Charlie knew what he was saying.

"I don't think she'd take it the right way," I said. "We're really good friends."

Charlie's jaw dropped. "It's Julie, isn't it?"

I felt trapped. I didn't now what to say. "Uh, yeah, it's Julie."

May God strike me where I sit.