I was walking through the halls on Monday, fresh from my legal studies exam, pretty confident that I'd score at least an A-, when I ran into Guy.

"Hey Guy," I greeted.

"Hey," he said softly.

"You ok?"

He shrugged. "Can we talk?"

I nodded, leading him down the hall and into the empty student lounge.

He took a deep breath. "What I need to say isn't going to be easy," he said.

I frowned. "Just say it, you'll feel better."

"I can't say it here, will you meet me in our room after next class?"

I regarded him wearily. He was freaking me out. "Sure. But are you gonna be ok?"

He nodded. "Oh, yeah, I'll be fine. Just meet me in the room."

I nodded slowly as he hurried off and I left the room, heading for biology with a worried frown on my face.

"Hey Adam, are you ok?" Julie asked, stopping me outside our classroom.

"Oh, yeah," I answered, smiling. I was supposed to have a crush on her, remember?

"Good," she said. "Excited about the fall ball?"

Actually, I'd forgotten. "Yeah, real excited," I answered instead.

Over Julie's shoulder, I could see Charlie approaching. As fate would have it, he was in the same class. He gave me a big smile and the thumbs-up sign and ducked in the room before Julie could see him.

"Ready to go in?" Julie asked me, gesturing toward the room.

I wanted to run, run until my lungs exploded, but my feet betrayed me and propelled me towards room 104.

I sunk into a seat between Julie and Charlie, cursing my damned bad luck, all thoughts of Guy completely obliterated.

After Mr Cameron took attendance, Charlie leaned over.

"How's it going?"

I swallowed. "Good," I said back.

"Have you asked her out yet?"

I shook my head. "I don't think that's a good idea right now."

"Why?" Charlie hissed.

"Because," I answered back.

"You're just scared."

Yes, I was. And I was even more scared of Charlie telling poor Julie I had a crush on her when I didn't. It was him I had the crush on.

"Just drop it ok, Charlie?" I said sharply.

He put his hands up in mock surrender and went back to his work, leaving me alone.

But every time Julie asked to share my textbook or compare answers, he'd give me this big cheesy grin, like there was something going on. I wanted to kill him.

As soon as the bell rung, I sped for the door, racing down the hall and through the quad, finally reaching my room and locked myself in there.

Guy was already there.

I didn't even say anything when he looked up at me.

"Adam, I'm gay."

Uh huh, what?

"What?" I asked him, setting my backpack down.

"I think I'm gay," he said, clasping his hands together.

I didn't get it. He'd been dating Halle for 3 years, how could he suddenly be gay?

"What do you mean?" I asked, sitting down in my chair, facing him.

"I just realised when Halle was talking the other day. I just finally realised that I didn't love her, didn't want to be with her. That there's someone else that I want to be with, and he happens to be a guy."

Wowsa. I was so confused right now.

"Who?"

"You, Adam. I think I'm in love with you."

I tipped my chair back a little too far and it nearly proceeded to take me to the floor.

"But Guy, how can you be sure?" I asked him, swallowing a few times. This was possibly more embarrassing then when I told him I was gay.

"I just – you've always been there for me, and I just want to be with you…"

I didn't know what to say. I didn't even know if I should say anything.

"Guy – I can't – with you. I – There's someone else." I stuttered.

He looked up and his eyes betrayed his soul. He was hurt, and humiliated, and most of all completely wrecked.

"I didn't know," he said softly, looking away.

"I hadn't told anyone. I mean, it's not anything. Just an interest. But I'm not looking for anything right now," I said softly. I didn't want to hurt him, but the last thing I wanted to do was lead him on.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered, barely audible.

I shook my head and reached out for his hand. "No, you don't have to be sorry. You were just being honest."

He shrugged and laughed bitterly. "I feel like such a fool."

"Don't," I told him. "You have no reason to feel that way. I mean, I don't like you any less. You're still my friend."

He stood up and dropped my hand. "I'm gonna take a walk."

I nodded.

As he left the room I exhaled loudly, running my hand through my hair, absolutely shocked. This was a lot more than I was expecting today.

I needed to talk to someone.

Charlie.

**

"Spaz?" I knocked on his door twice.

It opened revealing Charlie.

"Come on in," he said. "Fulton's at class."

I nodded and sat down mutely.

"What's up?"

I looked up at him. "I got the 'something's up' face, don't I?"

"Pretty much," he said. He sat down next to me on his bed.

"I'm just really confused at the moment."

"About Julie?"

God, would he give it up already?

"Yeah, I guess. A little." I answered. I'd just come to associate Julie with Charlie.

He frowned. "It's something more than girl troubles, Banksie."

I nodded. "It is, except, I can't tell you. Not without hurting someone."

He frowned again. "Ok…but if I guess will you tell me?"

I shook my head. "I can't. I just needed to see you, get my mind off things."

"Awww Banks! I think you love me!" He laughed loudly and clapped my shoulder, but still, I blushed. "I'm here if you wanna tell me anything."

I smiled. "I know."

"And even though I'm dying to know what could possibly be going on, I won't push, because I know you hate that."

I laughed. "Is this your subtle way of pushing the not pushing vibe?"

"Uh yeah, is it working?" he asked, grinning.

"No."

He laughed. "Worth a try."

I sighed. "So, how'd you go on the legal exam?"

"Pretty good I think. I know I got the torts section down, and I owe it to you. Man, I woulda been on academic probation if I'd gotten anything below a C." He pushed a hand through his hair. "But, thanks to you, I'm safe."

I shrugged. "No big deal. Next time we'll aim for an A+."

Charlie laughed. "Don't get too many ideas. I'm still a slacker."

"Ah yes, but a slacker with an impossibly smart best friend."

"Yeah, I guess so." He smiled and bumped my shoulder with his.

Its times like these he acts gay. I mean, he probably doesn't realise it, but it's sending off major gay vibes. Maybe I only pick them up because I myself am gay? I have no idea.

I think I better go before I kiss him.

"I should go," I said, standing.

He stood too. "Yeah, ok."

"I'll talk to you later?"

He nodded as he walked me to the door.

"Ok, bye," I said and left, walking down the hall back to my room, hoping Guy wasn't back, because if he was, I'd be hightailing it back to Charlie's. Not that I didn't want to see Guy, but all this stuff was kinda freaking me out.

He wasn't there. Perfect time to update my journal.

~|~ Monday 12:01am

Guy thinks he loves me. And this is what I think about that.                ß-- absolutely nothing. I mean, I've never even considered Guy as a boyfriend, or a crush. He was always just my friend, someone who listened to me when I was upset, and someone to laugh with when we watched TV. And now he thinks he might be gay. And that he might be in love with me.

I want to tell Charlie. Not to hurt Guy, but I think if I tell Charlie, I can see what his reaction would be, and then I could gauge whether or not to tell him about my feelings. There I go again, being selfish. I hate that. I'm turning Guy's hard time into something I can benefit from. But I would never do that. I wouldn't betray his confidence like that.

It's gonna be hard for both of us now he's told me. I mean, we live together. I don't want to make things uncomfortable for him, because he's always been so good to me, but short of moving out, there's nothing really I can do. I went and saw Charlie after he told me, and it was weird. It was like Charlie could actually tell what I was thinking, like in some surreal universe, he knew what had just happened. Does that sound weird? I guess it does.

Every time I see him I want to tell him more and more. It's consuming every part of my life. I don't sleep well, I don't pay much attention in class, and it's becoming an issue. I need a new perspective on it all. But how am I supposed to walk up to someone and go 'hey, I'm gay and am in love with Charlie Conway. Do I tell him or not?' Yeah, that'd win big with everyone.

I guess I'm just too afraid of what people would say if I came out. I mostly scared of Charlie's reaction. What if he's repulsed and never wants to talk to me again? Or the opposite, what if he feels the same? That's scary, because then I'd have to be in my first homosexual relationship. I mean, I've never even kissed a boy before let alone…you know. And I'm not saying that our relationship would be all about sex, it wouldn't. I'm just saying that when you love someone…sex is just a natural step.

God, I hope no one ever reads this.

I have practice this afternoon. It'll get my mind off everything for a good hour and a half. But then it's back to the grind. I have to deal with my feelings for Charlie, and Guy's feelings for me. Maybe I should drop out? Ha ha. That's funny. Maybe I should just grab Charlie and kiss him like he's never been kissed before? HA HA! Like that would ever happen.

I'm gonna head off to lunch now. All this sexual frustration is making me hungry. I keep re-reading that line and it sounds more perverted every time I read it.

Homosexually yours,

Adam D. Banks ~|~

**

"Come on Germaine! Pick it up!"

I threw a cautionary look at Guy, who was trailing behind the whole teams as we did drills that afternoon in practice. He shot me a look of pure sadness and my whole heart wrenched. I was so preoccupied with Guy I ran straight into Charlie's back.

"Sorry," I muttered, picking myself up off the ice.

"Banks! Try watching where you're going! I know Conway's ass isn't the most interesting thing to look at, but you've gotta force yourself!" Coach Orion called out. I blushed, thankful I was wearing my helmet.

Everyone laughed and continued the drills. It was a regular practice that I did without thinking. Hockey practice was maybe one of the one times I could really clear my head and just be in the game. I didn't have to think about feelings or consequences or tests or meals. It was just the ice, the puck and I. Oh, and the stick, that's pretty important too.