"You ready for that walk?" Charlie asked me as we were walking out of the cafeteria.

I nodded and we said goodbye to Julie, Fulton and Portman, and wandered out into the quad.

"What did you want to talk about?" I asked Charlie patiently, fiddling with my sling that held my cast.

He shrugged. "Just…what happened. With the whole journal thing. What Guy did was really low…"

I nodded. "I'm sorry that you had to find out all that stuff that way."

"I woulda found out eventually." 

I looked away from him and pretending to admire the scenery around Eden Hall's stonewalls.

"Adam…" Charlie called as we dropped down on a cement bush, in behind the school's prized hedges.

I sat down next to him and turned my eyes toward him. What I saw took my breath away. His eyes looked at me sadly, and his face betrayed all of the courage he was trying to muster. He was vulnerable and scared.

"Are you ok?" I asked him, reaching out my left hand, but pulling it back.

Charlie swallowed. "I'm sorry about running off in the library the other day," he said softly. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me most. I'm sorry that my pettiness got in the way of our friendship."

I reached over and squeezed his hand. "It's ok. Really."

"It isn't, not to me. I mean, you have a broken wrist and you might never play hockey again. I just wish that if I hadn't been such a prick, maybe that player wouldn't have taken you down…maybe if I'd been there, skating alongside you where I should've been…"

I silenced him by putting my hand on his shoulder. "Listen, Charlie, that player would've taken me down if you were there or not. This is not your fault."

He looked up at me. "It feels like it is."

I sighed. "Ok, granted, you didn't act the way I would've liked you too when you read my journal, but what's done is done. You have no blame in this, it's Guy's fault. I've beaten myself up for all this already. My wrist was not something that you could've helped. Unless you'd suddenly acquired magical healing powers. I don't know what to say to you, ok? While yeah, I was hurt, I learnt to deal, things don't go my way—"

I was silenced as Charlie's lips covered mind. He was kissing me. I was kissing back. My first gay kiss. God.

I shut my eyes and wrapped my left arm around his shoulders, rubbing at his neck. I freed my broken wrist from my sling and rested it on his hip as our tongues danced in one another's mouth. My heart was beating fast and a hot flash ran up and down my spine as his hands found my waist, resting on exposed skin where my t-shirt had ridden up.

"Wait," Charlie breathed suddenly, pulling away from my embrace.

"What is it?" I panted, my lips raw from his kisses.

"I – I can't do this. I – I'm not g-gay!"

He ran his hands nervously through his hair, his eyes avoiding mine.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled, embarrassed.

"No, it's not your fault. I kissed you…I'm just so – confused!"

I nodded. "I shouldn't have…"

He turned back to me. "I shouldn't have done that, I didn't want you to think…I'm sorry, Adam. I just need to be alone."

I nodded again and got up, putting my cast back in its sling and walked off, my eyes daring me to look back. But I didn't. I just walked out from behind the hedge and headed back to my dorm, intending to spend my Saturday in my bed, watching cartoons. Alone with my trouble thoughts.

**

"Banksie?!"

I groaned and rolled over, looking at my door in contempt.

"Come in," I muttered.

Julie came threw my door and her smile slipped from her face.

"What happened?"

I shrugged, sitting up. "Nothing that isn't out of the ordinary for me. As soon as things start looking good, life goes and throws a fucking curve ball."

She sat down beside me on my bed. "What happened?" she repeated.

"Charlie kissed me," I muttered.

"What?" she demanded, bouncing up and down.

"Yeah, and then told me to leave him alone."

She stopped bouncing. "Oh Ads…I'm so sorry…"

"What am I supposed to do, Jules? How am I supposed to be around him and not love him. Every time I'm even near him, I want to hold him, touch him, kiss him. It's breaking my heart that I can't have him…"

She pulled me into her arms, and I lay my head down on her shoulder. "I can't help you Adam. No one can help you get through this. You have to do it yourself. I can't tell you what to do, anymore than Santa Claus can. This is all you."

I lifted my head up and looked at her. "Promise me you won't become a psychologist." 

She rolled her eyes. "I'm serious. The way you're feeling can't be fixed by anyone, it has to come from in here." She pointed to my heart. "If you give up…what was the point in sticking up for yourself in the first place?"

She placed a soft kiss to my temple and got up and left, leaving me alone to contemplate her words.

Nearly immediately, I reached for my journal, still nestled in my pillow case and began to write.

~|~ Saturday, 11:41am

Julie's right. Only I can fix this. If I actually knew what to fix. I love Charlie, simple as that, and when he kissed me today…everything felt right. Nothing mattered but me and him, and I'd never felt that way before. He made me feel worthwhile, that my being gay didn't matter.

I wish I could help him figure all this out, because it's as confusing for me as it is for him. Well, maybe more so for him, considering he just kissed his gay best friend and claims he isn't gay himself. Yeah, he's definitely got it harder.

I want to go to him right now, hug him, tell him it's ok. I want to be there for him the way he was always there for me. But I can't. He doesn't need me right now. I need me. I need to look inside myself and figure stuff out.

When he's ready, he'll come see me. But I'm so scared that he'll tell me he's not gay, that the kiss was a mistake, he was just curious. I'll be crushed. I know I will be, because I love that man with all my heart, mind, body and soul.

So, now I'm gonna go, and I'm gonna take a nap, and hopefully when I wake up, all of my questions will be answered. And so will Charlie's…

Adam D. Banks. ~|~

**

I didn't sleep. I couldn't. I just listened to REM on my discman, a CD that Charlie had leant me last year.

As the tears rolled down my cheeks, I began to think about all the times we'd had together, from the very first time I walked into the Ducks locker room, to when he'd forfeited his spot to play the final against Iceland, just so I could, and when we were skating out by the pond and the ice gave way after me, he stayed by my side.

I sniffed and wiped my eyes as my phone began to ring. I pulled off my headphones and lunged for it.

"Hello?"

"Hi."

Charlie.

"Hey…" I said softly, sitting up more, looking at the clock. 2:15.

"Um…you busy?" he asked, clearing his throat nervously.

I shook my head. "No, I'm not."

Silence.

"You ok?" he asked me.

"Yeah, I'm ok," I said. "Are you?"

I could nearly see him shrugging, and then running a hand through his hair. "I'm…ok."

I nodded. I didn't know what to say.

"Look, I just wanted to call…"

I waited for him to finish, but he didn't.

"I'll talk to you later…"

"Wait!" I blurted before I could stop myself.

"Yeah?" Charlie asked.

"I don't want to pressure you or anything, ok. But…just know…that I-I love you, ok?"

"Ok," he whispered and then the phone went dead.

**

~|~ Saturday, 2:20

I don't really have anything to say. I just wanted to write here. I need to do something after what I told him. After what I said. Did that make or break his decision?

I'm beginning to hate my dorm room. It's cream walls and boring décor. All of Guy's clothes and stuff are gone, so it's more like I'm living alone. Maybe I should just pull my room apart, and try to put it back together, to see what it'll look like. God, I'd do anything to get my mind of Charlie.

I could call Julie? Or Fulton? But what would I say? 'Sorry, I need to stop thinking about Charlie, can you come over and distract me?' Don't think so. My friends don't need to here all my problems. I could go for a walk. Go skating. Hell, I could fly to Paris if I wanted to. But getting away from Eden Hall and my dorm room isn't gonna get my mind and thoughts off Charlie Conway. It's impossible.

This whole fiasco reminds me of a stupid movie. All the angst and drama, when you know the leading characters are gonna end up together. But in this movie, my life, I don't know if Charlie and I are gonna get together. I mean, there's no denying that I would like that to happen, but I can't force him to feel a certain way. No more than I can force myself not to love him.

I can't help wondering if my movie is gonna be over soon. Am I reaching a climactic point? Will Charlie confess his undying love for me and we'll skate away in the sunset? Or will we both die, reminiscent of 'Romeo & Juliet'? I hate thinking. These days, thinking is such a hard thing to do. Everytime I think, I think of Charlie.

I wanna rip the thinking part outta my brain. Can you do that? Is there some sort of operation that removes thinking, and even memory? Because having that done would be easier than having to go through it.

I'm babbling. And I only babble when I'm scared. I guess that's what it is, I'm scared that I'll lose Charlie, my best friend. What if all this has freaked him out and he thinks that it'd be better if we weren't friends? GOD! STOP THINKING!

This left-handed writing is hard. I'm gonna go for a walk, maybe buy a crapload of junkfood at the student center.

Adam D. Banks. ~|~

**

I huddled down deeper into my Eden Hall letter jacket, the wind had suddenly picked up and was carrying a startling chilly breeze. I hurried across the quad, not in the mood to talk to anyone, just to get my junkfood and gorge on it somewhere.

I got into line in the student center food line and had three packets of chips and MnM's in my arms before I reached halfway through the line. I added a jumbo bag of both red and black licorice and 2 chocolate bars and finally paid for my stash, carrying the grocery bags out and back onto the quad.

I chewed thoughtfully on a Nutty Butty as I strolled, the fresh air filling my lungs and clearing my head. A little bit, anyway.

My eyes searched the sky above me for meaning, but all I got was rolling dark clouds and the occasional rumble of thunder. It was a movie and junkfood night. I had the junkfood down…I just needed a movie.

Or I could go to the hockey game that night.

I entered my dorm building and climbed the stairs, walking along the corridor to get to my room. I threw the door open and put my food away, noticing a key and a piece of paper on Guy's bed.

I opened the piece of paper and it said:

Gone to stay with Luis and Averman. Here's my key

At least I knew for sure Guy was gone. I didn't have to worry about my ice-cream being eaten.

I pulled off my clothes and pulled on jeans and a long-sleeved sweater, slipping my jacket on over the top. The team would be warming up. I may as well make an appearance. I craved the excitement of a hockey match.

I popped a regular strength Tylenol for my wrist and grabbed a glove from my drawer to put on over my cast, and headed out towards the rink.

I strolled slowly, not in any hurry. I just wanted to breathe the early evening air and try to get some perspective on what was going on in my life.

I ran into Julie as she hurried in, late, and I walked her to the locker room.

"You thought any more about what I said?" she asked as she dug her hockey gear out of her bag in the empty locker room.

I shrugged. "You were right, if that's what you mean. And I've been trying to work everything out ever since."

She smiled. "Good." Her hands went to the hem of her shirt. "Can you turn around?"

I smiled wryly. "I'm gay, remember."

She blushed. "Yeah, but you're still a boy. And no one has seen my girl parts…and I want to keep it that way for a little while longer."

I chuckled and swiveled around on the bench, facing a locker. Charlie's. I reached out and ran my fingers over his shirt hanging in there, and then over the worn canvas on his shoes. It even smelled like him. Like sweat, toothpaste and something I could never place.

I leant forward and took a deep breath, a smile playing on my lips. The mysterious smell was licorice. Charlie smelled like my favorite candy.

"Ok, done." Julie said.

I didn't hear her, my whole focus was on this locker, this smell. Licorice. How did I not pick that up.

"Hello? Adam?"

I turned my head, looking over to wear Julie stood, pads on, an inquisitive look on her face.

I smiled. "Charlie smells like licorice."

She looked at me funny. "Ok then…and I smell like triple fudge ice-cream. Not to mention Portman, who smells like popcorn…what are you talking about?"

I took a deep breath, the smell invading my nostrils. "Practically ever since I've known Charlie, he's always smelt a certain way. Sweat, toothpaste and this smell I could never guess. And now, just looking at his locker, and just breathing in…it's licorice. Charlie smells like my favorite candy."

Julie smiled and came over to me, putting a hand on my shoulder. "I think you should seek psychiatric help."

I laughed as she turned from me, slipping her uniform on over her pads.

"Maybe this is a sign…" I took another deep breath. The smell was euphoric.

Julie snorted. "And maybe Charlie rubs licorice onto himself every morning. Don't get your hopes up Adam. It's just a coincidence."

"Maybe," I admitted. "But smell this." I shoved Charlie's Minnesota Youth Club t-shirt in her face.

She took a tentative sniff. "Yeah, ok…licorice. But…that doesn't mean anything."

I smiled. "I know it doesn't. I just want to think it does."