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"I'm heading over to Klink's office," Hogan announced a short time later. "Kinch, Newkirk, you know what to do."
"Righto, Colonel," Newkirk confirmed.
"Louis, Andrew, you wait for the signal."
"Oui, Colonel, we will be listening for it."
"Okay, here we go," Hogan said, and he turned the collar of his jacket up against the cold, fixed his crush cap on his head, and trotted across the compound. Kinch headed straight down to the tunnel and rerouted the telephone line into Klink's office. Newkirk followed quickly. Le Beau took up his position next to the coffee pot, now plugged in to bug Klink's office, with Carter stationed at the top of the ladder.
In the outer office of the kommandant's building, Hogan managed to enjoy an engaging kiss with Klink's secretary, Hilda, near the filing cabinet. He knew he usually had to warm her up to get inside unexpectedly, but he also knew they both took pleasure in the convincing. Pulling her soft form to himself, the back of Hogan's brain was telling him to get to the business at hand, while the front of his brain was saying this was a necessary restoration of his strength of will. It'll do for an excuse, he said to himself, renewing the kiss with vigor.
But Hilda was obviously of two minds as well, and the part of her mind that was saying Hogan was getting too much pleasure out of this was winning. She pulled away from him long enough to whisper, "Colonel Hogan, what do you really want?"
"Isn't it obvious?" he asked, happy to forget Klink and any other male German for a few more minutes. He nibbled at her neck, taking pleasure in her taste and her smell.
"Yes," she said, all business. She neatened her clothes and went around the back of her desk. "I'm afraid it is," she sighed. "You have come to see the Kommandant."
Hogan let his shoulders sag in defeat, and threw her a boyish grin. "Well that was how it started out… but I'm sure I could be persuaded to do other things."
"Not today you can't," she said. "But you can see Colonel Klink. He is in there, working on some reports."
"Spoil sport," Hogan teased. Hilda smiled brilliantly at him, and Hogan returned the look. Mmm, silent promises…
He knocked on the door to Klink's office and walked in without waiting for a response. "Fraulein Hilda, I told you I did not wish to be—oh, Hogan," Klink realized, looking up. "I am very busy, Hogan. But I will speak with you."
"Thanks, Kommandant," said Hogan, trying to sound sincere.
"Hogan, I am very displeased about what happened in Hammelburg yesterday," Klink said, with a tight shaking of his thumb and index finger in the senior POW's direction.
"I wasn't very thrilled with it either, sir," said Hogan. "After all, we went into Hammelburg on a good deed, a mission of mercy, so to speak, and what happens but we get pulled up by the goons—oh, beg your pardon, sir, the SS—and taken in for questioning. Now that can't be good for morale."
"You seem to have recovered, Colonel Hogan. Sergeant Kinchloe said you were still sleeping this morning after the rather eventful day. I thought I would be humane and compassionate, Hogan, and let you sleep in, considering you were in Hammelburg doing something for me."
"That was very kind of you, sir." Hogan made a mental note to have a word with Kinch about taking matters into his own hands. "Well, sir, the reason I'm here is, my men and I think that this Captain Strohm really pushed his luck, sir, and tried to overthrow your authority. You should have heard him pushing Schultz around—like he was the camp commandant, not you!"
"When outside the camp Schultz is subject to the authority of other officers," Klink said dismissively.
"But, sir, I didn't think that some of the things he said were worthy of you. 'Klink runs a soft stalag.' 'Klink is too cowardly to make his guards work harder.' 'Klink isn't here to see me, so why should I acquiesce to his wishes?' Oh, sir, Sergeant Schultz is too kind to tell you, but this Strohm was completely out of line. He even made the men work on the cars of other German officers in town instead of concentrating on yours. Oh, it was shameful, Colonel. Shameful."
Klink had risen slowly from his desk as Hogan spouted these tales. How dare a lower ranked officer override him? "Really?" he asked.
"Oh, yes, sir," Hogan declared. "I would have said something myself, sir, but of course he didn't want to hear anything from me. I would have demanded he come here to camp in person and apologize for his behavior."
"Apologize?"
"Oh, yes, sir. After all, he shamed you in front of the prisoners. No self-respecting officer should accept that from someone as trivial as Captain Strohm."
"Self-respecting officer…"
"I'd put in a call right now to Gestapo Headquarters in Hammelburg," said Hogan, picking up the phone.
"In Hammelburg…" Klink was considering.
"And ask to speak to his immediate superior," added Hogan, dialing some numbers.
"His superior…" contemplated Klink.
"And tell him that Strohm had better show up within the week or all hell's going to break loose."
"Within the week?" Klink questioned.
"Hello, Headquarters!" said Hogan, handing Klink the receiver.
"Hello Headquarters," repeated Klink.
Back in Barracks Two, Le Beau had waved madly when Hogan indicated he was about to make a call. "Now!" Carter called down the ladder. Kinch was waiting with the headsets standing by. And as soon as Klink said, "Hello, Headquarters," Newkirk was there, German at the ready.
"Ja, Gestapo Headquarters. Heil Hitler," he said, raising a salute to Kinch, who smiled and responded in kind.
Klink turned to Hogan in horror. How had he gotten through to Headquarters? "Hogannn," he growled. Hogan just shrugged and crossed his arms casually. "Heil Hitler," Klink said, recovering. "This is Colonel Wilhelm Klink, Kommandant of LuftStalag 13."
"Ja, Colonel Plink, this is Colonel Miller. What can we do for you?" Newkirk asked in his best German. Kinch smirked.
"Klink, Colonel. It's Klink. I am calling about your Kapitan Strohm. Apparently he had occasion to meet up with my Sergeant of the Guard and some of my prisoners in Hammelburg yesterday."
"Strohm? Strohm?" said Newkirk, trying to remember. "Ah yes, Blink. I know of the Kapitan. A fine soldier."
"Klink, Colonel. I am unhappy with the reports I am receiving about the Kapitan's treatment of my prisoners, my Sergeant, and also of remarks made in my absence. And I would like—" He looked at Hogan, who whispered "'I demand!'" with an emphatic gesture to support it—"I demand that he come to Stalag 13 to apologize for behavior unbecoming an officer." He threw a questioning glance at Hogan, who nodded silent approval.
"Unhappy, ja?" Newkirk replied. "Well, Colonel Fink, this may be able to happen as you wish. As it so happens there is a major inspection tour of the Stalags being planned for next week. Oberfuhrer Becker is most anxious to come to Stalag 13, as it has the reputation for being the strictest in Germany. Of course you will have the place looking its very best for him when he comes. The Oberfuhrer is a stickler for neatness, even in a prisoner of war camp." Newkirk let out a snort that he hoped would indicate a slight madness in the Oberfuhrer. "I am sure that Strohm can accompany him. You will see him on Wednesday."
"An inspection? On Wednesday? That's only…" Hogan held up five fingers. "…five days from now. Colonel, this camp is very busy. We cannot spend our days and nights cleaning every little corner…"
"No? Shall I tell the Oberfuhrer he is not welcome, Colonel Zinc?"
"No, no of course not, Colonel," Klink said. "What I mean to say is that we shall get to work right away making sure all is in order for the Oberfuhrer's visit. As long as Strohm is with him."
"As it shall be, Colonel Slink. Heil Hitler." And Newkirk pulled a finger across his neck for Kinch to cut the connection, grinning from ear to ear.
"Oh yes…" muttered Klink as he slowly, absentmindedly, handed Hogan the receiver. "Heil Hitler."
"You handled that brilliantly, sir," praised Hogan, hanging up. "Shall I tell the men to get out their dress prison uniforms for the inspection?" Klink was still dumbfounded. "Sir?" he prompted again.
"Hogan, Oberfuhrer Becker is coming here in five days. And he has a neatness fetish that would make my grandmother look like a filthy waif—and she made us wash five times before we sat down to dinner. Hogan, what are we going to do?"
"Well I'm sure the men would be willing to help clean the place up, Colonel. After all, it's our prison camp, too, and we want to be proud of it when visitors come."
"You would do that, even after what happened yesterday?"
"Is Strohm coming, too?" asked Hogan.
"Yes, he will be coming with the Oberfurher's party."
"Well, then, all the more reason—we don't want him to think he's gotten the better of us, sir. Not the men from Stalag 13. It will be my personal pleasure to show him just what kind of men he's dealing with." And that's the truth.
"Very well, then, Hogan. Set up work details and your men can begin cleaning immediately. And quickly!" Klink added. "We only have five days."
"Believe me, Kommandant, I am fully aware of the time limit." And with a brief salute, he left the office.