El Bzethio and the Computer
QB: Bzethio, what in the name of arse are you doing?
BZ: Oh, nothing, just killing the confounding, useless technology of
today.
(BZ is slamming a typewriter with a sledgehammer)
QB: Bzethio, you really ARE a dolt.
BZ: What now, Cracker-Jack?
QB: Well, first of all, call me that and you die, and second of all,
typewriters are from somewhere in the fifties. In the eighties or so we
developed something called a computer. It works much faster.
(BZ gives the typewriter one final pound and straightens up)
BZ: Yeah, so?
QB: So, we have one, and if you want to, I can show you how to work it.
BZ: OK, Cracker-Jack, show me!
QB: I have my finger on the Hifl button.
BZ: Eep.
QB: That's better. Anyway... Kristi!
K: What?
BZ: I need you up here!
K: OK!
(K comes up wearing her ballgown)
QB: Whoa, Kristi! What's with the ballgown?
K: Aly's fiancè is teaching me how to waltz.
QB: Um, okay. Well, I have a job for you, and it sure doesn't involve
waltzing. Kristi, I hereby entrust you with teaching Bzethio here how
to use the Royal Computer. I'll give you a few hours, together, alone,
and she'd better be able to use the damn thing if you want to stay out
of Hifl. Hear me?
K: Yes.
BZ: This is gonna be good.
K: Damn, damn, damn!!!
BZ: Ha ha, you're stuck here with me. Now teach me to use the goddamn
computer, you cock-sucker!
K: Don't you dare call me a cock-sucker!!! (Powers up using Zaferon
crystal)
BZ: Eep, I was just kidding.
K: You better have been, Lava-Brain. (Powers down)
(K sits down at the computer and begins teaching BZ to use it)
BZ: (frustrated as hell) Damn it! What the hell is HTML???
K: I'm not a goddamned Internet user, so how the hell would I know?
BZ: Oh shut up, you cockbrained amateur! Lemme at the compu-whatever
the hell it is!
(BZ grabs her sledgehammer)
K: Oh, no you don't!!
BZ: Oh, yes I diddley-damned DO!!!
(BZ slams the sledgehammer down on the computer)
COMPUTER: System failing. System failing. Heavy damage reported.
Summon the guards and the Queen. System failing.
BZ: Oh, shit!!!
K: You've done it now, Bzethio.
(QB rushes into the room)
QB: Hifl time Bzethio! Get your ass down there! I'm going to make you
crack so many damned nuts that your hands will fall off your goddamn
wrists!!!!
QB: Bzethio, what in the name of arse are you doing?
BZ: Oh, nothing, just killing the confounding, useless technology of
today.
(BZ is slamming a typewriter with a sledgehammer)
QB: Bzethio, you really ARE a dolt.
BZ: What now, Cracker-Jack?
QB: Well, first of all, call me that and you die, and second of all,
typewriters are from somewhere in the fifties. In the eighties or so we
developed something called a computer. It works much faster.
(BZ gives the typewriter one final pound and straightens up)
BZ: Yeah, so?
QB: So, we have one, and if you want to, I can show you how to work it.
BZ: OK, Cracker-Jack, show me!
QB: I have my finger on the Hifl button.
BZ: Eep.
QB: That's better. Anyway... Kristi!
K: What?
BZ: I need you up here!
K: OK!
(K comes up wearing her ballgown)
QB: Whoa, Kristi! What's with the ballgown?
K: Aly's fiancè is teaching me how to waltz.
QB: Um, okay. Well, I have a job for you, and it sure doesn't involve
waltzing. Kristi, I hereby entrust you with teaching Bzethio here how
to use the Royal Computer. I'll give you a few hours, together, alone,
and she'd better be able to use the damn thing if you want to stay out
of Hifl. Hear me?
K: Yes.
BZ: This is gonna be good.
K: Damn, damn, damn!!!
BZ: Ha ha, you're stuck here with me. Now teach me to use the goddamn
computer, you cock-sucker!
K: Don't you dare call me a cock-sucker!!! (Powers up using Zaferon
crystal)
BZ: Eep, I was just kidding.
K: You better have been, Lava-Brain. (Powers down)
(K sits down at the computer and begins teaching BZ to use it)
BZ: (frustrated as hell) Damn it! What the hell is HTML???
K: I'm not a goddamned Internet user, so how the hell would I know?
BZ: Oh shut up, you cockbrained amateur! Lemme at the compu-whatever
the hell it is!
(BZ grabs her sledgehammer)
K: Oh, no you don't!!
BZ: Oh, yes I diddley-damned DO!!!
(BZ slams the sledgehammer down on the computer)
COMPUTER: System failing. System failing. Heavy damage reported.
Summon the guards and the Queen. System failing.
BZ: Oh, shit!!!
K: You've done it now, Bzethio.
(QB rushes into the room)
QB: Hifl time Bzethio! Get your ass down there! I'm going to make you
crack so many damned nuts that your hands will fall off your goddamn
wrists!!!!