The Boy Who Lived
Welcome to the first edition of…The Boy Who Lived or H.P.M. (Harry Potter Magazine). Everything Harry can by found here, from interviews with Harry himself to tear-out posters! And within these pages can be found a deadly secret…(more information on page 2)
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Editor's Note: (actually, note from the author)
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Disclaimer: J.K.Rowling owns everything in this "Magazine" from the characters to most of the plot. I don't. (Duh)
Ok, I'm going to be truthful. I really don't think the Harry Potter books are that great. Yes, the idea is amazing. I love the plot. And yeah, J.K.Rowling's obviously done pretty well for herself (RICHER THAN THE QUEEN). But, despite that, I don't think she's that great a writer. I mean, come on. The story is basically the same in each book.
So, be warned. This magazine isn't a friendly, "Gee, I love Harry, he's hot!" type things. No, it's brutally honest. Enjoy…
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1. Inside this Issue---
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Page 2. Deadly secrets
Page 3. Latest News
Page 5. Summary of Events
Page 7. Hot OR Not
Page 10. Hogwarts Fashions
Page 12. Wizard Runways
Page 13. Chillin with _________
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2. Deadly Secrets
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Hidden within these pages many questions are waiting to be found. No hints shall be given! Muhahahaha!
(Not that this actually fills up a whole page, but besides being a bad magazine, HPM also wastes paper.)
If you find that answers, review and write it down. Person(s) who guess everything correctly get a guest appearance next issue.
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3. Latest News
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Halloween News: Thousands of Harry Potter fans swarm throughout the world begging for Bertie Bot's Every Flavor Beans and Sugar Quills. Bewildered adults handed them Snickers and M&M's instead. Joking: yes or no?
As costumes, many young brats demanded to have authentic Hogwarts robes and equipment. Many wrote to Dumbledore asking if they could loan a set. Poor mothers (and some fathers) stayed up all night sewing. Joking: yes or no?
(Page 4)
Mother of 13-year-old Kathy Perino and 7-year-old Scott Perino sadly tells her story. Both her children died when after an unfortunate incident with a knife. The girl was baby-sitting her brother and they decided that they would both be Harry Potter for Halloween. It was the boy's idea to get real scars. Kathy carefully, cut Scott's head open. Scott, fighting back the pain, knifed a lightning bolt into his sister's head before passing out. When the parents returned, both their children were dead. The Perino's are insisting that J.K.Rowling is at fault for their children's stupidity. Joking: yes or no?
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Page 5. Summary of Events
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For those of you who have not yet read the books (you lucky dogs) here's an extremely short summary of each book.
~Book 1~ The Philosopher's Stone (or The Sorcerer's Stone)
Harry Potter is a stupid, nerdy boy. Hagrid, a stupid, ugly Giant, comes and tells him that he is a wizard. Harry learns that a stupid, extremely ugly wizard named Voldemort (He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named) killed his parents and almost killed him. Instead of killing Harry, Voldemort was almost killed. Harry got a scar on his head. Lucky him.
So Harry goes off to his school. Incidentally the school is named after Pigs Acne. Can you name it? Anyway, Harry meets a stupid, poor boy named Ron Weasely and a brilliant, snotty girl named Hermione. They become good friends.
After a lot of useless angst Harry saves the day. He defeats Voldemort, and has a chat with Dumbledore.
~Book 2~ Chamber Of Secrets
Harry goes back to the school for year three. Some people turn to stone. Is it Medusa? No! It's a diary from 50 years ago! Save us Harry! Harry gets into the Chamber of Secrets (bet you didn't see that coming). He fights with Voldemort, defeats him again. Has another chat with Dumbledore. Whose diary is it?
(Page 6)
~Book 3~ The Prisoner Of Azkaban (sorry about spelling)
Harry returns to school. Harry finds out that a crazed murderer is trying to kill him. More angst. Blah, blah. Does him little "I'm a brave detective" thing. Surprisingly enough, NONE of the teachers are smart enough to do what he's doing. Sirius (crazed murderer) tries to kill him. He kidnaps Ron. Harry follows Ron. Sirius reveals that, in fact, it is Ron's pet rat that is a crazed murderer. Huh? Yeah, I know. Really weird. The rat, escapes to go restore Voldemort to his real power. What's the rats name?
~Book 4~ The Goblet of Fire
Harry returns to school. New tournament called the Triwizard Tournament. Harry gets in even though he's underage (smell foul play anyone?). Harry, even though technically he shouldn't be able to, does very well. In the last challenge, he and another player tie. They touch the medal and are transported to a sort of ceremony for Voldemort. Other guy gets killed. Boo-hoo. Harry and the Dark Wizard to another dramatic fight scene. Harry wins again cause of their wands. (Don't ask) Some more angst. Get's back to the school. More angst. Talks with Dumbledore. More angst. What's the name of the boy who dies?
~Book 5~ The Order of the Phoenix
Harry is a stupid hormonal ass-whole. Bitches a lot. Wonders why everyone hates him. Duh. His friends have suddenly become scared of his PMS-like mood swings.
Finds out that no one tells him anything. Goes hormonal. Angst. Mopes a lot. Nothing actually happens in the story except angst. Fights a little with some Death Eaters (Voldemort supporters). Who Dies?
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Page 7. Hot OR Not
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Today's guy: Harry Potter
The reviewers: Hermione Granger
Moaning Myrtle
Ginny Weasely
Hermione: Well. I mean, he's my best friend. So, don't tell him what I say, ok? Look. Truthfully, I think he's kind of stupid. I mean, come on! I figured out that whole thing with the basilisk in, like, 3 seconds. And I wish he'd brush his hair. The green eyes are nice, but his nose bothers me. I wish…ok, I wish Malfoy would break it for him. Don't you think he'd look nice with a crooked nose? And anyway, he's dating Ron. Oh, wait. I shouldn't have said that…
Rating: NOT
(Page 8)
Moaning Myrtle: Ooooooohhh. Oh, sorry. I'll stop moaning for a while. Harry? Yum. Yeah, he's nice. I saw him naked once! **********************************************************************************************************************************************************************(Moaning Myrtle was bleeped due to…inappropriate information)
Rating: HOT
(Page 9)
Ginny Weasely: He's hot, definitely. Love his eyes, and…well, the whole package actually. So brave and friendly. But he's not my type. I know, I know. I was totally into him for a while. But he's always acting so damn hormonal. Don't get me wrong—he's sweet. A better friend than a boyfriend.
Rating: HOT/NOT
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Page 10. Hogwarts Fashions—Written by Hermione
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Fashion is sooooo stupid. We should be studying, not shopping. But I was asked to write this article (probably because I'm the only one who can string a sentence together).
Firstly, students have been wearing white cloaks a lot. Invisibility cloaks are very nice, Harry, but not everyone is that lucky. The next best thing is white. "White is the new black."
In honor of Halloween, I've included a section for costumes. Harry is being superman. Ron is being a pumpkin (isn't that cute). And I think Halloween is immature for brainless idiots. Ok, I'm being a cat…say nothing.
Malfoy is being a death eater. Crabbe and Goyle are being a two-headed monster. Fred and George are being the murderers of the two-headed monster. Colin Creevy is being Harry.
The teachers are all dressing as characters from the Lord of the Rings. None of the "purebloods" seem to know what that it. I really don't know how Dumbledore heard about it.
(Page 11)
Dumbledore=Gandalf
Snape=Wormtongue
Flitwick=Pippin
Sprout=Merry (snicker)
Get this, McGonagall is being Arwen! (snicker)
That concluded my fashion article, I hope you enjoyed it.
~Hermione Granger~
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Page 12. Wizard Runways by Dumbledore
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I love fashion! Currently, lavender is all the rage for cloaks. And, like, oh my gosh, LEATHER robes! You won't believe how good Lupin looks like that! Let me tell you…
Ahem, I mean. Heh. Joking. Really, I am.
Anyway.
Clothes from Lord of the Rings is being seen throughout the Wizarding World this year. And white is the new black, as Hermione said. Hmm…well, that's it for today. ~Professor Dumbledore~
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Page 13. Chillin with _________
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Chillin With Harry!
Harry: Er…hi. Who're you?
Kat: I'm Kat. I'll be interviewing you.
H: Oh. Ok. I like attention.
K: We noticed. So, tell me, how does it feel to be the stupidest person in the world?
H: Uh. Ok, I guess.
K: Who do you have a crush on?
H: That's classified information. But, I'll tell you if you give me a kiss.
K: Eeew, no!
H: You sure?
K: Well…ok!
*Kisses Harry*
H: That was fun.
K: Yeah. Too bad you're an idiot.
H: Sorry.
K: Whatever, I can always have your dad. Now, he's hot and smart.
H: Yeah, he is. I mean!
*panicks*
H: He's not hot! Just smart!
K: Right…
H: I mean it! See, I have a crush on Ron…no, I mean Cho! I love Cho! Even though all she ever does is talk about her stupid dead boyfriend!
K: Huh. Well, it was nice kissing…I mean, talking too you. See you around.
H: Bye. Oh, shit. I'm late to Potions!
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Next Issue
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Look out for more of the same stuff next month!
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Ok, How'd you like it? Not that I care, I had fun, so expect another by next week. Flame away, I LOVE flames. I post them on my website in the Hall of Gay Asses! That isn't up yet, just in case you've been to my site. But I'm almost done, hang on a sec…
~Kat Small~