The Boy Who Lived
Welcome to the second edition of…The Boy Who Lived or H.P.M. (Harry Potter Magazine). Everything Harry can by found here, from interviews with Harry himself to tear-out posters! PLUS: Inside this new issue, you'll find…uh, ~3~ direct quotes (without quotation marks) from two of the books! Which means, beware spoilers…whoops, should have mentioned that in the first issue…damn it…
Your challenge: Find the three quotes. Tell me who says them, and what books they're from. Go on! (Warning: There may be some accidental quotes, if so, they will be counted, unless they're stupid)
*********************************
Editor's Note: (actually, note from the author)
*********************************
Disclaimer: J.K.Rowling owns everything in this "Magazine" from the characters to most of the plot. I don't. Also, I'm sorry for having quotes without quotation marks. I didn't make them up; I did get them from he HP books, which were written by J.K.Rowling. There, ya happy?
I'd like to clear something up because someone emailed me an annoying question. I have read all the books. YES, all of them. More than once.
Book 1: At last count, 43 (I stopped counting 2 years ago)
Book 2: 20-something.
Book 3: Over 50 (my favorite book in the series)
Book 4: 5 times (give me a break, it's long, and I hate it)
Book 5: 2 times. Yeah, like most of you have even finished it yet…
See? I know that books very well. I'm not just saying what I saw from the movies. This isn't just some sort of mangled version of Harry Potter I got off my friends. So there, damn you!
I'd also like to mention that there's a whole lot of new stuff in this issue. I hope you like it! Oh, yeah, if someone else decided to flame me, don't use email. I'd rather have everyone read it, thanks.
*********************************
1. Inside this Issue---
*********************************
Page 2. Letters From You
Page 3. Latest News
Page 5. Thoughts on Book 1
Page 7. Hot OR Not
Page 9. What They Said
Page 10. Hog Post
Page 13. Chillin with _________
*********************************
Page 2. Letters From You
*********************************
I thought that was very funny even if I disagree with somethings. Harry was all right in the first four books, though he was boring in the 5th though not to mention bigheaded. To answer your questions, For all the Joking or not I say not. The school's called Hogwarts, The diary is Tom Riddle's. The rat is called Peter Pettigrew or Scabbers. Cedric Diggory dies in the fourth book and Sirius Black in the 5th, the best character in the whole book! (Though you might disagree) Was I right? Please update soon, I can't wait for the next chapter or issue of H.P.M. It's really good! --Fire Mage6
Thanks! I think that was a really nice review even though I disagree with you. As for the questions: Joking Or Not; no, no, yes. The last one MIGHT have happened somewhere in the world, so I'll give that to you. The school is called Hogwarts, the rat is P.Pettigrew/Scabbers, Cedric Diggory dies in the 4th, and Sirius dies in the 5th. Yay! You got it! As for Sirius, he is the best character in the book. I absolutely agree on that!
I resent the whole scar bit. Me killing Scott is fine. But he would have had to stand on a chair to cut open my head and ii don't even really like Harry Potter so there. Funny mag though. I DEMAND A GUEST APPEARANCE EVEN THOUGH I DOON'T GIVE A DRUM ABOUT THE STUPID QUESTIONS! And James Potter is ALL MINE! Sorry, sorta sugar high. Haha. I'm your first reviewer! *does a little dance* I likes. GIMME MORE! --WindSPun(kathy) (you_know@whatever.com)
Nice name…uh, WindSPun. First off, I don't care what you resent. Just be happy I didn't have Scott live. The questions were not stupid. Of course you can get a guest appearance. Though, you might want to rethink that demand…yur always sugar high, and James would hex you till your pitiful excuse for a brain collapsed. So there!
*********************************
Page 3. Latest News
*********************************
Real World News: Matrix Revolutions comes out toady! Hooray! To bad for all you people who can't see R-rated movies, my condolences. I'm especially if you're older then me. (I'm only 13)
Harry Potter News: And none of this is a joke, I swear.
Shooting of the third movie is (still) continuing in the UK, with this film being directed by some guy named Alfonso Cuaron. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban will hit theatres in the United States on June 4, 2004. A few questions: why couldn't the Harry Potter movies have been shot at the same time (like the Lord Of The Rings). And, how come the Matrix trilogy gets filmed so much faster then Harry Potter even though it has more special effects and action scenes?
J.K.Rowling is once again Britain's richest woman. She earned £125 million ($190 million) in 2003 thanks to sales of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and from the second movie.
(Page 4)
Avid readers of the HP books may possibly catch what has been called the "Hogwarts Headache". (gasp!) Pediatrician Howard J. Bennett reports that he has seen the headache in three children so far, all of whom admitted to reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix for several hours earlier. And no, this is not a joke. Beware…
It's amazing what some Christian extremists have resorted to: shouting at children through bullhorns, telling them they're going to Hell because they read Harry Potter. Yes, bullhorns. Yeah, I know…
Sir Alan Parker has insulted American moviemaker Chris Columbus for making the
first Harry Potter movie terrible.
"It was terrible. Absolutely awful. I would have made it so much
better than Chris Columbus," he says.
Smell jealousy, perhaps?
*********************************
Page 5. Thoughts on Book 1 by Kat Small
*********************************
Hmm…what is there to say? I've seen it in all sorts of reviews. "This book is magnificent, superb!" and "J.K.Rowling understands kids so well!" Ratings of 10's and 5 gold stars. I wouldn't have given it a three…
The book starts decently enough, sure. It was interesting. My main problem with it is the vocabulary. Has she ever heard of a thesaurus? Besides that, it's the characters that annoy me. Some people might be fine with her Good vs. Evil thing, but I think it's stupid. McGonagall watches the Dursley's for one day, and already she's convinced that they're a horrid family. She says something about Dudley kicking his mother and screaming for candy. Like he's the only one who's ever done that??? Give me a break; most kids have more than one tantrum about wanting something. Most kids do kick their mothers at some point.
With that, there's a lot stupid stuff cluttering the books. I know it's a kids book (despite adults who claim it's a book for all ages) and I can't expect it to have a deep, philosophical meaning. But, come one. People walking around in emerald green cloaks? And no one but Mr. Dursley notices? Now, before these books were published, you hardly ever saw people walking around like that (except at LOTR conventions maybe). It's fairly common now, but in the book, I should think someone would ask them what the hell they were doing.
And, since they obviously walk around on "muggle" streets fairly often, how come they have so much trouble figuring out what normal people wear? It doesn't actually come into the first book much (if at all) but in later books she mentions adult wizards being unable to dress like muggles. THEY SEE THEM EVERY DAY, MOST LIKELY! And most of the kids wear normal clothes, what, do they forget at Hogwarts? "Gee, mommy, I've been at school for so long, I've forgotten how to wear pants." Yeah, right…
And that first morning, why didn't Mr. Dursley call animal control if the cat was bothering him so much? Or better, why didn't he throw something at it? I love cats, hence the name (though it is my real name), but if she'd trying to make him look evil, well that would have done it. All the animal rights people would have been burning effigies of Mr. Dursley.
On to Dumbledore…
Ok, there are flashlights in the UK, correct? And electricity? Yeah, there must be, cause Ron's dad mentions it. Just thought I'd check. So, the old guy uses his little "Put-Outer." It is doubtful that everyone in this town does go to sleep before midnight. No one noticed the lights go out? No one turned his or her lights on? No one thought to call the electricity company? No one thought to look out the window? Unless it was REALLY dark out, you'd be able to see.
And what if someone had come home late? Everyone knows that a dark road is pretty dangerous. Not that I'd mind if Dumbledore got hit, but those poor muggles!
And this is all within the first chapter.
(Page 6)
Ten years later, Dudley still can't count. Eh? You heard me. The boy's 11 and he can't count. Harry is treated like a modern Cinderella. Harry never thinks of calling social services.
As far as I can tell, J.K. Rowling simply enjoys insulting the U.K. Bad educational system (or Dudley is beyond help), bad parental skills, and stupid kids. Doubly bad school system since the school never asks the Dursley's why one son is well dressed, and the other wears ill-fitting clothes.
I'll skip a bit of the useless parts. I did like the thing with the snake. I wonder if that got into the news at all. I wonder who sued the zoo.
Anyway, Harry gets this letter. Now, Harry's not supposed to be stupid, I don't think. Not brilliant, but I don't think J.K. Rowling purposely made Harry act dumber than Dudley. WHY DIDN'T HE OPEN THE LETTER BEFORE GOING BACK INTO THE KITCHEN? He should have known that the Dursley's would take it from him.
And why didn't the Dursely's know it was coming. Petunia later mentions that they were sure he'd be another freak (wizard). Didn't they know that letter was coming?
And when thousands of letters were shooting out of the fireplace, Harry couldn't manage to grab more than one?
Moving on, the writing on the letters is emerald green. McGonagall's cloak is emerald green. Mr. Dursley sees a man in an emerald green cloak. 50 points to any reviewers who see another "emerald green" something. There are more, I assure you.
And when Hagrid tells the (apparently retarded) boy that he's a wizard, Harry never says, "Wizards don't exist." Tad on the stupid side, isn't he? By the way, we're still in chapter 4.
Doubtless you can tell that there's more. Many more. I don't have the time to list every little thing. If you'd like to disagree feel free to flame. Just make sure that you can back it up. Maybe I'll even agree. There probably is a lot of stuff I've missed in the book. No doubt dozens of examples of literary magnificence lay unnoticed by me. I'm not being sarcastic (well, yes, I am, but not completely). I'm biased. I know that. I did just reread the book last week, and it is sitting next to me for easy access. But I'm sure that a lot of the above things can be proven wrong. So, please, Please flame me. ~Kat~
*********************************
Page 7. Hot OR Not
*********************************
Today's Guy: Draco Malfoy
The Reviewers: Minerva McGonagall
Hermione Granger
Peeves
Minerva: Isn't he a little young for me? Anyway, he's a jerk. He's mean to my prize student, my only hope for the future of wizards everywhere (Hermione). Besides, I hate platinum blondes.
Rating: NOT
(Page 8)
Hermione: Ew. Just…ew.
Rating: NOTNOTNOTNOTNOT
Peeves: Well…I always have been partial to blondes. ~cackles~ He does look like girl, you know?
Rating: HOT, if he wasn't a guy
*********************************
Page 9. What They Said
*********************************
Harry Potter: I am not a stupid, hormonal bastard!!! I'm a sweet, innocent hero! I'm a hero! I've accomplished so much more than Ron and Bucktooth! I mean, Hermione. Anyway, I use bigger words than Ron! And me **** is longer than his, too!!!
Ron Weasely: I'm not ugly! And that's not true Harry! Mine's longer!!!
Hermione Granger: They are stupid. I resent being called snotty. And. I'm sorry to say this…but…
Harry, you—you look terrible. Naked, I mean.
Snape: Finally, someone agrees with me! Damn that boy and his stupid friends!
Dumbledore: Don't you think you're being a bit…rude?
Cho Chang: Harry, did you really kiss her? Oh, I hate you! Cedric was so much better than you! ~sobs~
Voldemort: It is not my fault that I'm ugly! He defeated me! I hate him! It's always his fault! He's just a stupid kid! How can he defeat me! Once a year, like clockwork, he beats me! He made me ugly! YOU DON'T KNOW POTTER! HE DID IT, I KNOW HE DID IT—and that J.K. Rowling woman! She wrote it down! They must all die!!!
*********************************
Page 10. Hog Post
*********************************
In this brand new section, read letters from and to all the characters you know and love (heh, right…)! You know you want to…
(Beware slash among other things)
Yes it should be Owl Post. Like I care?
Student Letters
Dear Harry,
I miss Cedric! I know you're my new boyfriend, but I really can't go on without Cedric! How about you pretend to be Cedric! Ok?
Love,
Cho Chang
Harry-
Haha, Cho asked me to tell you to reply to her soon.
-Ron
Ron-
Why are we writing to eachother? We sleep in the same dorm…
-Harry
Hermione-
Hi! You just got tagged!
-Ron
Ron-
You're such a freak…I am not playing this stupid game.
-Hermione
Cho-
You just got tagged! (Don't tell Ron that I'm playing)
-Hermione
Hermione-
Can you please, please tell Harry to write back to me? I don't believe that Hedwig is sick!
-Cho
Cho-
Uh, could you just tag someone?
-Hermione
Hermione-
I'm NOT playing! ~gasp~ You and Harry are going out, aren't you? I knew it!
-Cho
(Page 11)
Teacher LettersMy Dear Snape,
The fates tell me that you will die on the morrow before breaking fast unless you come and…visit me…
Love,
Sibyll Trelawney
My…Dear Sibyll
I'm not dead.
From,
Snape
To Professor Dumbledore,
You're hot.
From,
Your secret admirer
To Lockhart,
I'd appreciate it if you kept such letters to yourself.
From,
Albus
p.s. I should also like to mention that putting your signature on the outside of a anonymous letter rather gives you away.
(Page 12)
To my love,
Severus! How dare you cheat on me!
Still in love with you,
Sibyll
Sibyll,
Cheat on you?
Merely answering due to curiosity,
Snape
Love,
Yes! Cheat on me! I saw you, you and that disgusting werewolf…macking! Goodness, I don't think I'll ever get that image out of my mind…
-Sibyll
To Remus,
You and Siruis are dating? How…distasteful.
-Severus (Not a werewolf, unlike you)
Severus-
Yeah. He's dreamy. And you know what? Wolves and big, black dogs are compatible.
-Remus
To Remus,
Argh! I'm scarred for life!!!
-Severus
*********************************
Page 13. Chillin with _________
*********************************
Chillin With…Fred and GeorgeGeorge: It's always Fred first…
Kat: Ok, George and Fred.
*shrug*
Fred: It should be alphabetical.
K: Yeah. Well, anyway, I'm interviewing you guys.
F: Gee, we didn't notice.
K: Oh, sorry, I just interviewed Harry. Sort of used to talking to idiots, you know?
G: He did give us 1000 galleons…
K: See what I mean? Stupid! Would you give away that much money?
F: No, but, then, we aren't very generous.
G: She has a point.
K: I know I do. So, who do you guys have crushes on?
G: Um…well, I dunno.
F: He likes Winky the house elf. And I like Dobby.
G: All that crying is quite a turn-on.
F: And I like how Dobby wears so many layers. Give you something to wonder about, you know?
K: Yuck…no, seriously?
G: Um…
F: I guess Mrs. Norris.
G: No, she's mine.
F: Fine! I'll take Lupin's boggart!
G: Doesn't it turn into Mum for you?
F: Good point…
*makes a face*
K: Er. Well, anyway, how do you feel about Ron?
G: Ronnie?
F: The Retard.
G: Or Ronnie the Reject.
K: And do you guys like Cho?
F: She's that little whiny bitch, isn't she?
G: I told you, crying turns me on.
*laughs*
F: Harry deserves her though.
G: Yeah. They're both annoying.
K: Ok, thanks. Bye.
F: Let's go blow something up.
G: Ok!
*********************************
Next Issue
*********************************
Some new stuff, basically the same stuff.
**************************************************
Hope you enjoyed. Totes ~Kat~