Title: Captured by Moldy Voldie
Author: Max
E-mail: jadekirk007@y...
Rating: R to be on the safe side.Swearing in it later.
Archive: Yes, please
Summary: Alan and Severus found themselves captured by Voldemort. They don't go quietly.This is just something I whipped up after watching a film. This doesn't really make any sense but....Who cares? Don't worry I love Alan so I won't bash him up too badly. Loads of movie references in this fic so see if you can name them all.
Chapter 1
Alan groaned as he woke up and noticed three things.The first thing he noticed was he was chained to a wall, the second was that he was clad only in his boxers and the third was there was a smell as if someone had burnt the toast. He turned and saw, his brother, Severus was awake and watchful."What the Hell is going on? Where are we?What is that smell?"Alan asked his younger brother.
"I'm....unsure...to answer your first two questions. To answer the third, I believe someone has burnt the toast..."
"Don't people know to invest in smoke alarms?"Alan muttered.Before he could say anything else, the door opened and Voldemort and Peter Pettigrew walked in.Alan noticed that neither had their wands and that Peter was wearing a hat that looked like it was actually a teacosy.."I should've guessed. Only you could smell of burnt mouldy toast.What the hell are you wearing?"
Peter whacked Alan on the side of the head, causing Alan to yelp."You treat the Lord with respect." Peter squeaked.
"What? You must be joking.....Me respect that! I'd rather wash Harry Potter's week old undies then respect that....."
"Oh God, Alan.... You had to send me to a scary visual place...Didn't you?" Severus piped up, shuddering.
"Tell me, how did it feel to kill someone with your bare hands? Only a nation of uneducated muggles would be amused by such cowboy dribble." Voldermort asked Alan.
Alan looked insulted."Woah, hey, what's with the personal attacks? You don't see me commenting on your pasty complexion or your snotty accent, or even your filthy sex books! Yeah, I saw them! They DISGUST..."Peter grabbed Alan by the collar and hit him in the head."What is it with you people and the head?!"
"Quiet...You're going to get yourself killed.."Severus admonished Alan.
"I'm the older one I get to do the telling off."
Peter said to Voldermort."I know master why don't we slit your throats and impale them on the gates of Hogwarts?"
Severus said sarcastically,"Ingenious,Pettigrew, only you,could keep such a sly brain under such a bad hat!"
Peter blushed,"You really think so?"
"No! That idea totally sucks...I mean where's the originality in that?" Severus muttered causing Peter to blush with anger.
"Now who's trying to get themselves killed?"Alan growled."Forgive my brother,he's hasn't had his shots today."
"Ooh stick you, ya mama too." Severus sang, much to Alan's disgust.
"Please just kill me, I don't care anymore.Just don't leave me in here with him.He's singing THAT song."I never should've let you near HMV."
"Well I'll leave you to your bickering."Voldemort muttered, clearly not wanting to be involved."Come Wormtail.We have much to do."He left and Peter trailed behind him.
Neither Severus or Alan noticed their department."Ever since you came to Hogwarts, the female students don't concentrate."
"And that's my fault, how?" Alan growled, one of his eyes swollen shut.
"Everytime you talk all the girls....um...drool and give you the 'let's mentally undress our professor and ravish him on his desk' look."Severus muttered, clearly jealous,"Including one Miss Granger.She barely listens in my class any more and she looks like she's lost in a daydream."
"I see, that's why you've been a bit sharp with me...You're afraid I'm moving in on Hermione.You're jealous."Alan grinned,"Sevvie has a crush."
"Shut up."Severus said, blushing a bit.
"Anyway how can you be sure it's me she's crushing on? I did overhear Harry and Remus talking about that potion you made them test.Didn't Hermione dream of YOU in a tight leather catsuit?"
"It wasn't me, she said it was you.The 'Great Alan Rickman'."
"Great, huh?"Alan said,laughing."Didn't she lie about that though?"
"Yes, she did."
"I think she's been crushing on you for a very long time and I had nothing to do with it.Besides it's not just me they give the 'let's mentally undress our professor and ravish him on his desk' look. they do that to you, Steven and Shaun as well."Severus looked suprised at thatSo Alan clarified."Think about it Severus,If they do that to me, they do it to all of us because we all look alike."Alan smiled."When we get out of this, first thing we do is give you a makeover and then you can sweep her off her feet."
"Easy for you to say.I mean you are famous and all."
"Look who I have to work with,Gary Oldman,David Thewlis to name two..."
"You have it all."
"Wish I was in your place."
"OK you can do the next Harry Potter film and I'll take over your job."
"You know nothing about potions."
"I can fake it."
"And have you blowing up my classroom? No thanks."
"I'm not that bad at potions."
"What about when you took over from Professor Viagrar, you left the classroom in such a state?"
"That wasn't me, that was James Potter, he made a potion that has the same effects as heroin,not that I've tried it but..."
"If I remember corectly it went over his partner Lily Evans and she thought that rice pudding was the work of Satan."Severus said,smirking at the memory.
"Lily, weren't you two all cosy at one point?"
"No, we were just friends."
"Then why did I catch you two smooching in the library?"
"That was Steven."
"Oh yeah.She had great birthing hips."
"I should've known."
"WHAT?"
"You had a crush on Lily."
"DID NOT!"
"Alan, don't lie to me...You liked her and you were upset because she was 15 years your junior."
"Yeah so?"Alan said,flicking his chains.
TBC
Author: Max
E-mail: jadekirk007@y...
Rating: R to be on the safe side.Swearing in it later.
Archive: Yes, please
Summary: Alan and Severus found themselves captured by Voldemort. They don't go quietly.This is just something I whipped up after watching a film. This doesn't really make any sense but....Who cares? Don't worry I love Alan so I won't bash him up too badly. Loads of movie references in this fic so see if you can name them all.
Chapter 1
Alan groaned as he woke up and noticed three things.The first thing he noticed was he was chained to a wall, the second was that he was clad only in his boxers and the third was there was a smell as if someone had burnt the toast. He turned and saw, his brother, Severus was awake and watchful."What the Hell is going on? Where are we?What is that smell?"Alan asked his younger brother.
"I'm....unsure...to answer your first two questions. To answer the third, I believe someone has burnt the toast..."
"Don't people know to invest in smoke alarms?"Alan muttered.Before he could say anything else, the door opened and Voldemort and Peter Pettigrew walked in.Alan noticed that neither had their wands and that Peter was wearing a hat that looked like it was actually a teacosy.."I should've guessed. Only you could smell of burnt mouldy toast.What the hell are you wearing?"
Peter whacked Alan on the side of the head, causing Alan to yelp."You treat the Lord with respect." Peter squeaked.
"What? You must be joking.....Me respect that! I'd rather wash Harry Potter's week old undies then respect that....."
"Oh God, Alan.... You had to send me to a scary visual place...Didn't you?" Severus piped up, shuddering.
"Tell me, how did it feel to kill someone with your bare hands? Only a nation of uneducated muggles would be amused by such cowboy dribble." Voldermort asked Alan.
Alan looked insulted."Woah, hey, what's with the personal attacks? You don't see me commenting on your pasty complexion or your snotty accent, or even your filthy sex books! Yeah, I saw them! They DISGUST..."Peter grabbed Alan by the collar and hit him in the head."What is it with you people and the head?!"
"Quiet...You're going to get yourself killed.."Severus admonished Alan.
"I'm the older one I get to do the telling off."
Peter said to Voldermort."I know master why don't we slit your throats and impale them on the gates of Hogwarts?"
Severus said sarcastically,"Ingenious,Pettigrew, only you,could keep such a sly brain under such a bad hat!"
Peter blushed,"You really think so?"
"No! That idea totally sucks...I mean where's the originality in that?" Severus muttered causing Peter to blush with anger.
"Now who's trying to get themselves killed?"Alan growled."Forgive my brother,he's hasn't had his shots today."
"Ooh stick you, ya mama too." Severus sang, much to Alan's disgust.
"Please just kill me, I don't care anymore.Just don't leave me in here with him.He's singing THAT song."I never should've let you near HMV."
"Well I'll leave you to your bickering."Voldemort muttered, clearly not wanting to be involved."Come Wormtail.We have much to do."He left and Peter trailed behind him.
Neither Severus or Alan noticed their department."Ever since you came to Hogwarts, the female students don't concentrate."
"And that's my fault, how?" Alan growled, one of his eyes swollen shut.
"Everytime you talk all the girls....um...drool and give you the 'let's mentally undress our professor and ravish him on his desk' look."Severus muttered, clearly jealous,"Including one Miss Granger.She barely listens in my class any more and she looks like she's lost in a daydream."
"I see, that's why you've been a bit sharp with me...You're afraid I'm moving in on Hermione.You're jealous."Alan grinned,"Sevvie has a crush."
"Shut up."Severus said, blushing a bit.
"Anyway how can you be sure it's me she's crushing on? I did overhear Harry and Remus talking about that potion you made them test.Didn't Hermione dream of YOU in a tight leather catsuit?"
"It wasn't me, she said it was you.The 'Great Alan Rickman'."
"Great, huh?"Alan said,laughing."Didn't she lie about that though?"
"Yes, she did."
"I think she's been crushing on you for a very long time and I had nothing to do with it.Besides it's not just me they give the 'let's mentally undress our professor and ravish him on his desk' look. they do that to you, Steven and Shaun as well."Severus looked suprised at thatSo Alan clarified."Think about it Severus,If they do that to me, they do it to all of us because we all look alike."Alan smiled."When we get out of this, first thing we do is give you a makeover and then you can sweep her off her feet."
"Easy for you to say.I mean you are famous and all."
"Look who I have to work with,Gary Oldman,David Thewlis to name two..."
"You have it all."
"Wish I was in your place."
"OK you can do the next Harry Potter film and I'll take over your job."
"You know nothing about potions."
"I can fake it."
"And have you blowing up my classroom? No thanks."
"I'm not that bad at potions."
"What about when you took over from Professor Viagrar, you left the classroom in such a state?"
"That wasn't me, that was James Potter, he made a potion that has the same effects as heroin,not that I've tried it but..."
"If I remember corectly it went over his partner Lily Evans and she thought that rice pudding was the work of Satan."Severus said,smirking at the memory.
"Lily, weren't you two all cosy at one point?"
"No, we were just friends."
"Then why did I catch you two smooching in the library?"
"That was Steven."
"Oh yeah.She had great birthing hips."
"I should've known."
"WHAT?"
"You had a crush on Lily."
"DID NOT!"
"Alan, don't lie to me...You liked her and you were upset because she was 15 years your junior."
"Yeah so?"Alan said,flicking his chains.
TBC