03 Guilt vs. Hurt
Sometimes everything is wrong,
now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone
If you feel like letting go
If you think you've had too much of this life,
well hang on
(REM, Everybody hurts)
The door opened and a dark clad figure swept in,
halting next to his bed. He gazed up and found the
obsidian eyes of his nemesis. Well, to be faithful wit
himself that wasn't completely true. When Albus had
told him this morning that he was pregnant, he had
freaked out and cried like the world had come to an
end. Albus and Poppy had comforted him and later he
had time alone in to think about it.
Sirius had always wanted a child, a family, since
Lilly had given birth to Harry. James had known about
his dreams and made him to Harry's godfather, what he
had appreciated a lot, but he had never dreamed of
being with child himself. Of course he knew about the
possibilities for males to become pregnant with the
help of magic, but the potions for this cause were
unbelievable expensive, even for the heir of a
pureblood family like his own and later he had been in
Azkaban, his lover, Nero Krum. He turned his back to
him and married a woman his father had chosen for him.
They lived somewhere in Bulgaria now, in a huge manor
with a famous son, who was the seeker for his home
country. Fabulous!
And now he was pregnant with the child of his
childhood fiend, by rape, even if he knew Snape had
done it to keep his cover and save both their lives –
it was quite a lot to take!
Severus looked at the man on the cot, curled up into a
ball, the covers tightly tugged around him and a hand
resting on his abdomen. Why couldn't it have been
somebody else?
He sighed and looked at Black's face and thereof
directly into the crystal blue eyes. Black was
beautiful, no one, not even him, could deny that. He
had dark, silky hair, which was curly at the end of
the loose strands, that fell down to the middle of his
back. The years as a fugitive had made him slim and
muscular. His skin was pale, but after a month in one
of Malfoy's dungeons that was no wonder. But what
caught him most were these deep, blue eyes that were
usually like oceans, wild and free. Even now they
sparkled like diamonds.
"Snape, nice to see you – AGAIN!"
"You know?" Severus asked, caught off guard.
"Of course I do. Not many Death Eaters with dark eyes
look guilty before they…"
"I'm sorry."
"Did I hear you right? The big, bad bat, Severus
Snape, is sorry?"
"Yes."
"…"
"We have to talk."
"I don't know why."
"It's my child as well!"
"I don't fucking care. She'll stay with me and we
won't molest you a single time."
"I have a right to be with her!"
"No, you lost that when you violated my body! I won't
let something like you near my child!"
"She's OUR child! And how do you know it's a girl?"
"I just know. I'm the mother after all!"
"That sounds ridiculous."
"That IS ridiculous. Sirius Black is the mother of
Severus Snape's child."
"At least you admitted that she is our child."
"What shall I do to prevent that, he?"
"Nothing."
"FINE!"
"I want to raise her, too."
"Are you serious?"
"No, you are, but I mean it."
"Funny, Sevvy's made a joke!"
"Don't call me that."
"But Sevvy, you're the father of my child. We're bound
to be a good couple!"
"Erg – stop making puppy-dog-eyes at me. I won't
yield!"
"No, I did. Under force, I may add."
"So you don't hate me?"
"Not more than I did before."
"Fine."
"As I said."
Snape stuck out his tongue and sat down on the side of
the bed, taking Sirius' hand into his.
"Promise me one thing?"
"Yeah?"
"You won't shut me out of her life."
"I guess I can life with that."
"When we're talking about living-conditions anyway:
Albus wants us to stay here, for our own security and
in my case to teach, of course. But when Voldemort
will be defeated somehow and we're still alive we have
to come up with a way to raise her together."
"…"
"I know it sounds odd, but I think a child should have
both parents around, even if they're not a couple and
so on…"
"I understand. We will think of something. It's not an
urgent matter anyway."
"Right."
"Good."
"I have classes to teach. I'll stop by later, okay?"
"Yeah, I've got plenty of time. Poppy won't let me out
the next week anyway."
"How are you coping with – you know?"
"I guess I'd kill myself if it were some various Death
Eater, but since you were quite gently I suppose I can
live with it."
"Thank you."
"Just don't come too near."
Severus left and closed the door behind him, before he
leaned against the wall heavily. That had gone better
than he had dared to hope. He just wanted to make his
way to his classroom for the seventh year Potions
class, when Potter crossed his way.
"Ah, Mr. Potter…"
"No time. I have to go to the infirmary."
"It's alright."
"Professor, are you... – never mind, see you later!"
he said and hurried to the hospital-wing.
Snape sighed and continued his way downstairs. He
would have to deal with the brat later…
Sirius sighed. It had been hard to keep his face up
with Snape around. Exhausted, he pulled the blanket
higher and closed his eyes. Not a good idea, he
noticed quickly. He didn't want to remember the last
month. As a dog the dungeon-cell had been comfortable
enough, but the food had been much too little and he
had missed the daylight.
And then Severus had taken him. Though the spy had
been quite gentle, he still felt sore and the bruises
and cuts, inflicted shortly before Riddle had left him
outside in the woods, didn't improve the situation
either. Worse was the embarrassment he had to endure,
before Severus had brought him here…
He wondered when he had started to refer to Snape as
Severus, but he was too tired to bother further. All
he wanted was to sleep forever – well, not forever,
since his little girl would need him in nine month,
but maybe for this time.
What had surprised him was the fact, that Severus
wanted this child as well. When he had prepared
himself to defend his girl, he had been confronted
with a caring father instead of the usual bastard-self
of Snape he was so used to after all the battles they
had fought side by side. If he thought about it now,
Severus would have been a good comrade the last years,
if not for these childish pranks they had played each
other back in school, when certain events in the
Shrieking Shack had changed it all…
Suddenly someone touched his shoulder. Panic rose in
his chest and he flung around, hitting whoever stood
there to the ground. The nightstand crashed and some
phials broke hitting floor and Madam Pomfrey came out
of her office to see what had caused the noise, when
she saw a man sitting on the bed and a boy lying on
the floor in a pool of mixed potions.
"Get up, boy." she pulled him up and cleaned the mess
up. Some of the potions had already burned a hole into
his robe, most certainly the "Easy-digestion Potion",
she thought.
Sirius Black looked a bit perplex and pulled his
confused godson into a small hug.
"I missed you, lad!"
"I missed you, too, Sirius – we were all so worried
when you disappeared after the trial!"
"I'm here now."
"…"
"Harry?"
"I cannot believe what he did to you!"
Sirius went pale: "Albus told you?"
"No, but… I had a vision."
"…"
"Sirius, are you okay?"
"…"
Sirius turned away, but he boy sat down on the bed and
caressed his shoulder. He sighed and buried his head
deeper in the pillow.
"Sirius, please loo at me. You mustn't let it get you.
You're stronger than this!"
There was no reply.
"Sirius – please, I know he didn't want to hurt you,
but he had no choice. And we will kill Voldemort for
all the things he's done, so please talk to me!"
"It's more…"
"What is more – Sirius, please!"
"The spell… I'm not mad at Snape for doing his - duty,
but…"
"What did the spell? Did it, …did it make you enjoy…"
"No."
"Sorry, I don't know anything about the spell. After
my vision we tried to look it up, but we found nothing
in the library, not even in the restricted section!"
"It's ancient and not many know about it, and you
shouldn't use the permission to use the restricted
section for your advanced DADA-course for private
issues."
"Don't play the caring parent, Sirius. What's wrong –
beside THAT – c'mon, tell me!"
"I'm pregnant."
"WHAT?"
"You heard me. It's an impregnation-spell."
"Oh…"
"What OH – I know it's weird, but I can't change it."
"It's just… there's usually a second parent for a
child…"
"A child ALWAYS has TWO parents."
"Don't yell at me! It's not my fault!"
"Of course not, but it's just too much for me!"
"Oh, Siri…" he hugged his godfather tightly.
"Please – just don't hug me too tight. My ribs are
bruised by now, no need to crack them all."
"Then you… Snape is… eh?"
"Snape is the other father, yes."
"Fuck!"
"That's what I said."
"Suits somehow."
"That's not funny. Not anymore…"
"Sorry."
"Just don't bring your friends around, would you. I… I
couldn't bear so many people around jet, okay?"
"No problem – but I can come, can I?"
"Yes, you, Albus, Poppy, Severus…"
"You call him by his first name?"
"Not really, but…"
"Did he do or say anything to you, today I mean?"
"He said it's his child, too and he won't leave us
alone."
"Did he? I didn't expect that."
"Nor did I."
"I have classes."
"Sure. See you later."
"Bye and…"
"Yes."
"Congratulations – concerning the baby, if you…"
"Keep it? – Yes, it's my child after all."
"Yeah, and Snape's!"
"Unfortunately."
"And I have double Potions now!" he groaned and left,
smiling at his godfather a last time before closing
the door. Sirius sighed and soon drifted into a deep,
peaceful slumber, after Madam Pomfrey had given him a
Dreamless Sleep-potion against the nightmares.
Sometimes everything is wrong,
now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone
If you feel like letting go
If you think you've had too much of this life,
well hang on
(REM, Everybody hurts)
The door opened and a dark clad figure swept in,
halting next to his bed. He gazed up and found the
obsidian eyes of his nemesis. Well, to be faithful wit
himself that wasn't completely true. When Albus had
told him this morning that he was pregnant, he had
freaked out and cried like the world had come to an
end. Albus and Poppy had comforted him and later he
had time alone in to think about it.
Sirius had always wanted a child, a family, since
Lilly had given birth to Harry. James had known about
his dreams and made him to Harry's godfather, what he
had appreciated a lot, but he had never dreamed of
being with child himself. Of course he knew about the
possibilities for males to become pregnant with the
help of magic, but the potions for this cause were
unbelievable expensive, even for the heir of a
pureblood family like his own and later he had been in
Azkaban, his lover, Nero Krum. He turned his back to
him and married a woman his father had chosen for him.
They lived somewhere in Bulgaria now, in a huge manor
with a famous son, who was the seeker for his home
country. Fabulous!
And now he was pregnant with the child of his
childhood fiend, by rape, even if he knew Snape had
done it to keep his cover and save both their lives –
it was quite a lot to take!
Severus looked at the man on the cot, curled up into a
ball, the covers tightly tugged around him and a hand
resting on his abdomen. Why couldn't it have been
somebody else?
He sighed and looked at Black's face and thereof
directly into the crystal blue eyes. Black was
beautiful, no one, not even him, could deny that. He
had dark, silky hair, which was curly at the end of
the loose strands, that fell down to the middle of his
back. The years as a fugitive had made him slim and
muscular. His skin was pale, but after a month in one
of Malfoy's dungeons that was no wonder. But what
caught him most were these deep, blue eyes that were
usually like oceans, wild and free. Even now they
sparkled like diamonds.
"Snape, nice to see you – AGAIN!"
"You know?" Severus asked, caught off guard.
"Of course I do. Not many Death Eaters with dark eyes
look guilty before they…"
"I'm sorry."
"Did I hear you right? The big, bad bat, Severus
Snape, is sorry?"
"Yes."
"…"
"We have to talk."
"I don't know why."
"It's my child as well!"
"I don't fucking care. She'll stay with me and we
won't molest you a single time."
"I have a right to be with her!"
"No, you lost that when you violated my body! I won't
let something like you near my child!"
"She's OUR child! And how do you know it's a girl?"
"I just know. I'm the mother after all!"
"That sounds ridiculous."
"That IS ridiculous. Sirius Black is the mother of
Severus Snape's child."
"At least you admitted that she is our child."
"What shall I do to prevent that, he?"
"Nothing."
"FINE!"
"I want to raise her, too."
"Are you serious?"
"No, you are, but I mean it."
"Funny, Sevvy's made a joke!"
"Don't call me that."
"But Sevvy, you're the father of my child. We're bound
to be a good couple!"
"Erg – stop making puppy-dog-eyes at me. I won't
yield!"
"No, I did. Under force, I may add."
"So you don't hate me?"
"Not more than I did before."
"Fine."
"As I said."
Snape stuck out his tongue and sat down on the side of
the bed, taking Sirius' hand into his.
"Promise me one thing?"
"Yeah?"
"You won't shut me out of her life."
"I guess I can life with that."
"When we're talking about living-conditions anyway:
Albus wants us to stay here, for our own security and
in my case to teach, of course. But when Voldemort
will be defeated somehow and we're still alive we have
to come up with a way to raise her together."
"…"
"I know it sounds odd, but I think a child should have
both parents around, even if they're not a couple and
so on…"
"I understand. We will think of something. It's not an
urgent matter anyway."
"Right."
"Good."
"I have classes to teach. I'll stop by later, okay?"
"Yeah, I've got plenty of time. Poppy won't let me out
the next week anyway."
"How are you coping with – you know?"
"I guess I'd kill myself if it were some various Death
Eater, but since you were quite gently I suppose I can
live with it."
"Thank you."
"Just don't come too near."
Severus left and closed the door behind him, before he
leaned against the wall heavily. That had gone better
than he had dared to hope. He just wanted to make his
way to his classroom for the seventh year Potions
class, when Potter crossed his way.
"Ah, Mr. Potter…"
"No time. I have to go to the infirmary."
"It's alright."
"Professor, are you... – never mind, see you later!"
he said and hurried to the hospital-wing.
Snape sighed and continued his way downstairs. He
would have to deal with the brat later…
Sirius sighed. It had been hard to keep his face up
with Snape around. Exhausted, he pulled the blanket
higher and closed his eyes. Not a good idea, he
noticed quickly. He didn't want to remember the last
month. As a dog the dungeon-cell had been comfortable
enough, but the food had been much too little and he
had missed the daylight.
And then Severus had taken him. Though the spy had
been quite gentle, he still felt sore and the bruises
and cuts, inflicted shortly before Riddle had left him
outside in the woods, didn't improve the situation
either. Worse was the embarrassment he had to endure,
before Severus had brought him here…
He wondered when he had started to refer to Snape as
Severus, but he was too tired to bother further. All
he wanted was to sleep forever – well, not forever,
since his little girl would need him in nine month,
but maybe for this time.
What had surprised him was the fact, that Severus
wanted this child as well. When he had prepared
himself to defend his girl, he had been confronted
with a caring father instead of the usual bastard-self
of Snape he was so used to after all the battles they
had fought side by side. If he thought about it now,
Severus would have been a good comrade the last years,
if not for these childish pranks they had played each
other back in school, when certain events in the
Shrieking Shack had changed it all…
Suddenly someone touched his shoulder. Panic rose in
his chest and he flung around, hitting whoever stood
there to the ground. The nightstand crashed and some
phials broke hitting floor and Madam Pomfrey came out
of her office to see what had caused the noise, when
she saw a man sitting on the bed and a boy lying on
the floor in a pool of mixed potions.
"Get up, boy." she pulled him up and cleaned the mess
up. Some of the potions had already burned a hole into
his robe, most certainly the "Easy-digestion Potion",
she thought.
Sirius Black looked a bit perplex and pulled his
confused godson into a small hug.
"I missed you, lad!"
"I missed you, too, Sirius – we were all so worried
when you disappeared after the trial!"
"I'm here now."
"…"
"Harry?"
"I cannot believe what he did to you!"
Sirius went pale: "Albus told you?"
"No, but… I had a vision."
"…"
"Sirius, are you okay?"
"…"
Sirius turned away, but he boy sat down on the bed and
caressed his shoulder. He sighed and buried his head
deeper in the pillow.
"Sirius, please loo at me. You mustn't let it get you.
You're stronger than this!"
There was no reply.
"Sirius – please, I know he didn't want to hurt you,
but he had no choice. And we will kill Voldemort for
all the things he's done, so please talk to me!"
"It's more…"
"What is more – Sirius, please!"
"The spell… I'm not mad at Snape for doing his - duty,
but…"
"What did the spell? Did it, …did it make you enjoy…"
"No."
"Sorry, I don't know anything about the spell. After
my vision we tried to look it up, but we found nothing
in the library, not even in the restricted section!"
"It's ancient and not many know about it, and you
shouldn't use the permission to use the restricted
section for your advanced DADA-course for private
issues."
"Don't play the caring parent, Sirius. What's wrong –
beside THAT – c'mon, tell me!"
"I'm pregnant."
"WHAT?"
"You heard me. It's an impregnation-spell."
"Oh…"
"What OH – I know it's weird, but I can't change it."
"It's just… there's usually a second parent for a
child…"
"A child ALWAYS has TWO parents."
"Don't yell at me! It's not my fault!"
"Of course not, but it's just too much for me!"
"Oh, Siri…" he hugged his godfather tightly.
"Please – just don't hug me too tight. My ribs are
bruised by now, no need to crack them all."
"Then you… Snape is… eh?"
"Snape is the other father, yes."
"Fuck!"
"That's what I said."
"Suits somehow."
"That's not funny. Not anymore…"
"Sorry."
"Just don't bring your friends around, would you. I… I
couldn't bear so many people around jet, okay?"
"No problem – but I can come, can I?"
"Yes, you, Albus, Poppy, Severus…"
"You call him by his first name?"
"Not really, but…"
"Did he do or say anything to you, today I mean?"
"He said it's his child, too and he won't leave us
alone."
"Did he? I didn't expect that."
"Nor did I."
"I have classes."
"Sure. See you later."
"Bye and…"
"Yes."
"Congratulations – concerning the baby, if you…"
"Keep it? – Yes, it's my child after all."
"Yeah, and Snape's!"
"Unfortunately."
"And I have double Potions now!" he groaned and left,
smiling at his godfather a last time before closing
the door. Sirius sighed and soon drifted into a deep,
peaceful slumber, after Madam Pomfrey had given him a
Dreamless Sleep-potion against the nightmares.