04 Breakdown

There ain't enough boys in the world to go

around

You gotta be wicked and tricky

to bring that big boy down

There ain't enough time to talk to everyone

You gotta be distant and bitchy

If you ever wanna get it all done

Do I wish that things were different?

I'm wishing away

I won't point fingers but the thing is

That it always breaks on down this way

(Lucy Woodward, The Breakdown, While You Can)

It was evening when he awoke again. Poppy had moved

him to a separate room in the corner of the infirmary,

further away from the students, who had come to her

after the Quidditch-match this afternoon. Sirius

wondered, if the Slytherins did always win their

matches through knocking the other team out, as three

Hufflepuff-players had to stay overnight. None of them

had seen him anyway, since they were all unconscious

and Poppy had moved him before the others arrived,

what he was thankful for.

An hour ago Harry had looked in and asked how he was,

but he left quickly because of detention with Filch.

Poppy had brought him dinner from the great hall,

which was exactly what he needed. Hungrily he had

eaten until Severus had shown up and joined him with a

tray, mumbling something about gossip and curious

brats, who couldn't respect privacy.

He watched Severus eat, secretly searching for any

good in the person he had hated most of his life, not

really hated of course, but despised at least.

"Are you checking me out?" Snape suddenly said and

fixed his gaze on him.

"You wish."

"No, thank you."

"…"

He rolled his eyes and mustered the oversized bat

again. No, Snape was definitely not beautiful, but

these obsidian, penetrating eyes, the fair skin, the

greasy, black hair, the huge, crooked nose – he was

very… individual, maybe even attractive.

His gaze wet deeper, over the broad shoulders, the

muscular arms that put their trays aside as if they

weight nothing, the well built chest he had once seen

during a battle, the long, lean legs, which he had

secretly admired since their time at Hogwarts…

Sirius couldn't believe that he was indeed checking

out Snape. He shook his head and sighed in defeat:

"Must be the hormones or the situation itself…"

"Isn't it a bit too early to use that excuse, Sirius?"

"You use my first name?"

"If I may?"

"Sure – I mean, there is not much left you could

respect, is there?"

"Don't even think like that! You are, as much as I

hate to admit it, a great fighter, a strong mind, and

the father figure of a very tough boy and a beautiful

man. Don't let this rule your fate. I know it is hard

to cope with, but there is a child inside you that

will grow and be born, that needs you more than

anything else in the world and it loves you, even now,

and nothing can change that. You godson visits you

very free second he has between classes, homework,

detentions and Quidditch and I'm sure he loves you,

too."

"And who else?"

"I suppose there is someone."

"Wrong. There's fucking nobody! And Harry doesn't need

me."

"He does. He can trust you and you're always there for

him if you can."

"Thanks."

"For what?"

"Telling me this. I…"

"You can tell me. I can keep it to myself if

necessary."

"I don't want to disappoint him. I promised James,

that I would be there if something happened to them,

but I cannot be strong for Harry now! I just can't…"

"It's okay. He understands."

"You sure?"

"Dumbledore told me, that Harry was with him that

evening, when it happened. Your godson had the vision

while he was awake and screamed at Albus to help us –

not you, but us."

"You mean, that he doesn't blame me?"

"YOU? It was my fault, if not for Riddle! You are

absolutely innocent."

"I'm filthy. Not even you can change that."

"BULLSHIT! I did that to you to save my fucking neck

and you as well, you couldn't change anything. Nobody

could have!"

"Can you…"

"What can I?"

"Just hold me?"

"If… if you want that."

"I cannot ask anybody else and you are – part of it

anyway…"

Sirius looked up, meeting these pitch-black eyes. A

lonely tear ran down his face, when Severus cradled

him in his arms and pulled him onto his lap and

pressing a caste kiss on his hair. He cried silently,

shivering, when Severus stroked his back to calm him

down a bit.

"I'll always be there for you two, I promise."

"I know…thank you so much."

"It's my child and you are a long-time ally, so why

don't we overcome these stupid hatred, for the baby's

sake?"

"Hmm – I'd like that, but Severus?"

"Yes?"

"There is something I have to tell you, before you

decide what you want."

"Then tell me. There isn't really much that can upset

me now, you know."

"Yeah. The point is: I'm gay, so if you are

uncomfortable with that, you better leave now."

"…"

"Sev?"

"I'm still here, am I not?"

"Stay?"

"A few moments. I have classes to prepare and I… don't

want to rush anything. We hated each other for years

and one day cannot change that."

"I know. I was disgusted when you ripped my clothes

off, but I was so afraid I couldn't think properly and

later, don't know, I just feared you'd hate me even

more and threaten our child."

"I'd never do that. But I'm glad you took this so

good, even if I'm a greasy git at times."

"Bastard!"

"I'm pretty sure my parents were married when I was

born, thank you, Snuffles!"

"I'm quite human at the moment and I do not intend to

change that the next nine month."

"You must not transform, it could harm you both."

"Albus told me already. I'll be careful not to get me

into trouble."

"You better do that or else I have to buy a chain and

a necklace for you and confirm you to your rooms."

"I don't have rooms here."

"Then my rooms."

"What would the students think!"

"That I'm a sadistic, twisted giant-bat with a new

pet, nothing foreign to me."

"I can imagine that all too well, thank you, Sevvy."

"You'd like that, don't you?"

"Surely not."

"Are you okay now?"

"Better, at least."

"I have to go, I'll visit tomorrow."

"Severus?"

"Yes?"

"Why are you doing that for me?"

"Because I want to, because it makes you feel better,

eases my guilt and a certain old, white-haired

know-it-all rip my head off if I wouldn't."

"I see. Good night."

"Sleep well…"

He stood up and pressed Sirius' hand a last time;

before he returned to his chambers to finally find

some of his much needed rest. The preparations for the

sixth year Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws could wait until

tomorrow!