Chapter 8 - Death Unbecoming
(...Arnold's house...a half-hour later...)
The doorbell rings and Arnold rises from the living room couch to answer it. Lila, meanwhile, is in the kitchen looking through the cabinets.
Arnold opens the door and sees Helga, but is amazed to find her even more beautiful then when they last saw each other. Arnold is understandably astonished.
"You can put your eyes back in your head any time now", Helga said as she walked in.
"Wow. You look so...different."
"Why, thank you."
"How did you do it?"
"A girl's got to have her secrets."
Helga sits on the couch, her arms outstretched and her legs crossed.
"Um, is there anything I can get for you?"
"Well, I could sure go for a drink."
As soon as the word "drink" escapes Helga's lips, Lila panics. Helga rises from the couch.
"How 'bout I go make some?"
Still in the kitchen, Lila tries to hide. She ends up next to the refrigerator.
Helga opens the door and looks inside, the door concealing Lila from sight. As Helga continues her search, Lila peeks over the door, then ducks back when Helga rises with a bottle of champagne.
"Arnold, would you like some champagne?"
"Oh, no, thanks."
Helga puts the bottle on the table and looks in the upper cabinets for a glass. Lila, meanwhile, sneaks from beside the refrigerator and quietly crawls toward the lower cabinets. She opens the door and soon finds a small box of rat poison. Just as she takes it, Helga walks toward the table and pours the champagne in a glass. Helga turns back around to close the cabinet door, and at that moment, Lila sprinkles some of the poison in Helga's glass.
Helga takes the glass in one hand and the bottle in another and walks toward the couch. As she sits down, she takes a sip.
"It feels so good to be back here with you, Arnold."
Helga downs the rest of the drink, tosses the glass aside and gets up from the couch.
As she walks toward Arnold, she collapses on the floor, choking. Arnold tries to help her to her feet.
"My God, Helga, are you all right?"
"As right as rain."
With those words, Helga falls backward through the coffee table, a loud snap nearly drowning out the cracking wood.
"Oh, no."
Lila walks into the living room and looks down at Helga's lifeless body. Arnold looks at her.
"You didn't..."
"I might've..."
"How...? Why...? How could you do such a thing?!"
Lila produces the box of rat poison.
"Let's just say that there was a huge rat on the premises that needed extermination."
"I cannot believe you."
"She tore us apart. What is your problem?"
"You turned into the person who wrote that letter."
Arnold shoots a look of disgust at Lila and walks away from her.
Lila walks toward the sliding door to the backyard. She looks out and breathes a huge sigh of remorse.
"What have I done?"
She walks to the kitchen and turns on the tap. She holds her hands under the water and splashes her face. After drying her face with the towel, she walks back to the living room where she finds that Helga's corpse is missing from the wreckage of the coffee table.
Lila feels a light breeze from the sliding door, which is now open.
"Lila..."
Lila is in complete shock when she turns around - and sees Helga holding the umbrella from the table in the backyard. Her neck being broken, she has to hold her head up with one hand, while holding the umbrella in the other.
"Catch!"
Helga tosses the umbrella like a dart - into Lila's chest. The force of the throw causes Lila to fall backward and land in the backyard, the umbrella sticking straight up.
Helga jerks her head around until it's the way it was, or as close as it gets. She goes upstairs and finds Arnold sitting on his bed grieving.
"What's wrong? Did you lose something?"
Arnold turns around and jumps back at the sight of the supposedly dead Helga.
"Arnold, are you all right?"
"I should ask you that question. I thought you were dead."
Helga looks down at herself and sees a number of splinters - big ones - sticking out of her. She goes over her body and picks most of them out.
"Wow. Was I gone long?"
Arnold is helping Helga down the stairs.
"I should take you to a hospital...or a mortician, or something."
"But I feel fine."
"Helga..."
"Stop worrying. Besides, I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself."
The umbrella in the backyard suddenly opens and a figure rises, the umbrella still in it. Lila pulls the umbrella out of her, leaving a golfball-sized hole in her midsection. The opening of the sliding door alerts Helga and Arnold. They look and see Lila holding an umbrella in her hand.
"Well, that wasn't very nice."
Helga walks toward Lila and the two women start circling around the room.
"You're harder to kill than a cockroach, and twice as irritating."
"Keep talking, Helga. Give me another excuse to beat you down."
"Dream on, little lady. You can't beat me in a fight. You're not the fighting type."
Lila stops moving.
"You're right."
"Besides, that hole in your chest might be a handicap."
"Yeah, the hole in...what?!"
Lila looks down and sees the hole in her chest. The shock of the opening causes her to whimper nervously.
"Do you know what this will do to my career?!"
"If I were you, I'd be more concerned with eating."
"Now you've gone too far."
She then grabs the umbrella, closes it and holds it in her hands like a staff.
Helga grabs the champagne bottle from the floor and breaks it on the wall.
"Oh, yeah. I've been waiting for this."
Arnold walks in between them.
"Come on. Can't we talk about this?"
"It's too late for talk", Helga says, brandishing the bottle.
The women resume circling each other, occasionally slashing at each other with their weapons.
"Okay. Let me know when you're done."
The ladies watch as Arnold goes up the stairs, then turn their attention on each other.
Helga charges at Lila with the bottle. Lila dodges it and trips Helga with the umbrella. The broken bottle slips from Helga's hand and shatters on the floor. Lila holds the umbrella over Helga, ready to drive it through her, but Helga sweeps Lila's leg with her own, knocking her over. Lila falls to the floor, bending the umbrella. She soon climbs onto Helga, choking her. Helga knocks her arms away and gives her a two-fingered eye poke which sends Lila backward. Helga tries to get up, but Lila quickly spins around. She grabsthe blonde's hair and slams her head against the floor. Helga counters with a back kick, then picks Lila up and runs her into the wall. Helga tries for another kick, but Lila snatches her blouse, bringing Helga to the floor, where Lila punches her. After a few hits, Helga grabs her fist. Lila swings with a left, but Helga catches the other one. Helga headbutts Lila and the two women are knocked apart and lying on the floor, both panting and sweaty from the energy they've exerted.
"You hurt yet?", gasps Helga.
"No."
Helga reaches over as best as she can and kicks Lila in the leg.
"How about now?"
"Still nothing. After all of that, we can't even cause each other pain."
"You don't know what pain is."
"What do you mean?"
"Don't give me that! You went for Arnold and you knew that I loved him. Even worse, he still loved you after you dumped him."
"Well...it's not like you were in any great hurry to tell him how you felt. But you know what hurts the most, Helga?"
"The hole?"
"Yeah, but what hurts the second most is you being so nice to me and, it turns out, you didn't mean any of it."
"All right, so maybe, we're both at fault."
"I'm sorry for going after Arnold."
"And I'm sorry for plotting to break you two apart."
"Accepted."
"And this mess. I'm sure this place meant a lot to you."
"I never liked that coffee table much, anyway."
"And while we're on the subject of apologies, I'm sorry for the time in the 4th grade that the gelatin was dumped on you in the cafeteria. And the stuff at the Cheese Festival. And what happened when you and Olga were all friendly."
"Wait. That was you?"
"Yeah. Well, my conscience is clean."
With a sudden burst of adrenaline, Lila rushes over to Helga and is ready to punch her.
"If I wasn't such a forgiving person...oh, what the hell?"
Lila punches her and the two women hit the floor yet again.
(...Arnold's room...fifteen minutes later...)
Arnold is sitting in his room when the door opens and he sees the shadows of Helga and Lila against the wall. Arnold turns around to look at them.
"Arnold...Helga and I settled our differences."
"And we decided that you should choose between us. Whatever the decision, we'll both be fine with it."
Arnold stood up and walked toward the two women.
"I've had some time to think. Now, I love the both of you, and perhaps I always will. But I don't think I can be with either of you."
The ladies are shocked by this.
"Helga, I can't believe that you'd try to break us up..."
"I think we know where this is going", Lila says, pride in her voice.
"...and Lila, you're just as bad. You tried to kill her!"
"Tried, Arnold. She's still here."
"I'm sorry, but I want you, both of you, to leave."
Helga and Lila developed very angry looks on their faces. Arnold quickly realized that they were not satisfied with his response, and started to run.