Chapter 9 - The Big Chase
(...the street...minutes later...)
Arnold is running. He stops and bends over, panting for breath. He looks behind him and, about a mile behind, are his disfigured ex-girlfriends giving chase. Arnold takes another gasp and continues running.
"Haven't we caught up with him yet, Helga?"
"We would've had him before he left the house, but someone was so self-conscious about her body that she had to put on a jacket!"
"I don't see why you're so mad. This hole is your fault, anyway."
"Let's not start that, again."
(...downtown...minutes later...)
Arnold is still running. In the moment he looks back, he runs into Madame Blanche, knocking her down. He gets down and helps her up.
"Oh. I'm so sorry."
"Quite all right, but why were you running?"
"Let's just say...I've got women troubles."
"And why not? A handsome lad like yourself probably has to beat the ladies off with a stick."
"If I'm not careful, they'll be the ones doing the beating."
"Why would that be?"
"Well, I kinda decided to break up with them."
"Oooh."
"But I had to. They became so...irrational. So devious."
"That is a problem."
"Also, they'd become so disfigured. Now I'm not vain, but there's something wrong when you're poisoned and impaled and still moving around."
"Now, that's not...did you say 'poisoned and impaled and still moving around'?"
"Yes."
"Are the two women chasing you a blonde and a redhead?"
"Yes. How did you know?"
"They weren't careful. I told them to be careful and they weren't. It's not like I said 'Take care of yourself. You and your body are going to be together for a very long time.' in Sanskrit."
"What are you talking about?"
"A mystical potion that I gave to them. The blonde woman was a long-ago customer of mine and the redhead...I really liked her performance in 'Voice of an Angel'."
"What does this potion do?"
"It bestows invincibility, beauty and life everlasting to whomever drinks it. But you need to take care. You can't just go around trying to kill each other."
"Wow. That is truly unbelievable."
"So, can I interest you in some?"
"No, thanks!"
Arnold looks behind him once again and sees Helga and Lila gaining on him, so he takes off again.
Madame Blanche sees the women running towards her. They stop upon seeing her.
"Did I not tell you to take care of yourselves?"
"I'm sorry, but our history - the both of us - is bigger than any warning", said Helga.
"But don't think we're not grateful."
"Yes. We're very grateful."
"So, how bad is the damage?"
Lila takes off her jacket and Helga loosens up her neck, allowing Madame Blanche to see the extent of the injuries.
"Whoa", she replied, briefly losing her accent.
Lila puts her jacket back on and Helga readjusts her neck.
"I'd hate to have to do that again. Is there some way you can help us?"
"Yes, there is."
(...Hotel Greenberg...twenty minutes later...)
Arnold is out of breath from running. He turns around and finds himself in front of the Hotel Greenberg. He goes to the entrance and walks inside.
The ladies are still running in the street.
"Helga, I think I saw him go into the Hotel Greenberg."
"You sure?"
"Almost positive."
"Well, let's go!"
Arnold sneaks by the front desk and heads for an elevator.
Helga and Lila run in and spot Arnold. They rush toward him, but a crowd gathers around them.
"Oh, Miss Sawyer! Miss Sawyer!", the throng exclaims.
"Can I have your autograph?"
"Surely."
Helga works her way out of the crowd and runs toward the elevator, but it closes just as she gets to it. Angrily, she bangs on the door. She then walks toward the mob surrounding Lila with an annoyed look on her face.
"Umm...you wanna hurry it up, Winona?"
"My public beckons. I shant leave them wanting."
"Oy", Helga groaned, rolling her eyes.
Helga walks back to the elevator and looks up at the lights flashing for each floor: 4, 5, 6. The light holds on '6'. Helga runs back to Lila.
"I'll be on the sixth floor when you're done."
"Okay, Helga."
Helga gets on an adjacent elevator, pushes the button for '6', folds her arms and laughs as the door closes.
(...the sixth floor...five minutes later...)
Helga gets off the elevator and looks both ways in the hallway, but finds nothing. She walks to the end then turns the corner. She sees a door close, then slowly advances towards it. She kicks the door open and bursts in...
"I've got you, you football-headed heartbreaker!"
...only to find a couple in the throes of passion. They stop at seeing Helga.
"Wow. I am so sorry."
Helga nervously leaves, closing the door. She then opens it.
"By the way, nice work, girlfriend."
Helga again departs.
"Who was that?"
"Who cares?"
Lila has gotten off the elevator and looks around.
Arnold, meanwhile, is looking out from the window in the door to the stairwell. He sees someone coming and ducks down. Helga opens the door and finds that no one is there; Arnold is on the other side. The door closes and Arnold runs up the stairs.
Helga hears a rapping from behind the door and goes to open it. The rapping gets louder as she approaches the stairs. Helga runs up after Arnold. Lila sees the door close and runs toward it.
(...the roof...minutes later...)
Arnold looks over the side and sees people around the swimming pool.
"Enjoying the view, footballhead?"
Arnold turns back and sees Helga.
"Well, I was."
"I think it's only fair to give you one last chance. Who will it be, me...", she said in a seductive tone. "...or Lila?", she snapped in the same mocking way from childhood.
"I really am sorry, but I don't want to be with either of you."
"Well, if I can't have you, then neither can anyone else!"
Helga advanced on Arnold, ready to push him over.
Lila runs to them.
"No!"
Arnold loses his footing and slips over the edge.
The women look over to find that Arnold...is hanging on a balcony about one floor down by his shirt collar.
"This is new."
"Arnold, hang on and we'll get you some help", Lila said encouragingly.
"And if I get down safely, the two of you will still keep hounding me: 'Who do you love, me or her?' I'm sorry, but that's not for me."
The shirt starts to rip.
"Still, that's better than being a human pancake, right? Right?"
"I'm thinking."
Another rip.
"Think faster, beloved."
Another rip.
"Arnold, we need you!"
"But I don't need you anymore."
With those words, the collar loses to gravity and Arnold falls through the sky to the pool below. Such is the impact of the fall that Arnold ends up drifting to the bottom of the pool.