AN: Yes, someone mentioned why Syaoran didn't do anything. And yes, he's in shock so he's...still...and silent ^^;; I also mentioned in Ch.8, through Sakura's mind that told us where Tomoyo's parents were. Or should I say mother because in the anime we never saw Tomoyo's father. Her mother was at a meeting if you didn't catch that part in the last chapter =) Oh, and Eriol has kinda of uh...gone poof in this story -_- I just don't see what role he can play in this fic at this point now...so I'm very sorry Eriol fans, plz forgive me ^^;; Anyways, I've been writing so many random fics lately. Not random but starting alot of other fics that I haven't uploaded ^^ll So keep your eyes out for my other fics thank you very much =P Well, I won't bother you any longer, so tootlez and have fun reading. Be prepared. Slightly angsty. You may be disturbed.
Disclaimer: CCS doesn't belong to me, it belongs to CLAMP =(
Chapter Nine: Sinking
My eyes were killing me. They felt swollen and dry, but that didn't matter. I could only watch with horror as the paramedics came in, the sounds of sirens in the distance. I didn't remember calling them here...but then again Syaoran must have. I didn't know how long I held onto Tomoyo, but I knew it was long enough for her blood to dry on my hands and face...I cried out once more and felt strong arms embracing me.
I didn't care who it was. I just needed something to lean on, and so I collapsed into the person's arms.
"Sakura..."
Syaoran. I was too tired to look up, too tired to reply. I simply buried my face into his chest, hiccupping and choking on my own breaths. "Tomoyo..." I repeated and bit my lip hard. I felt blood in my mouth and knew I had bit a little too hard. "Tomoyo...her mother!" I suddenly screamed and jumped back from Syaoran's arms. Standing up on wobbly feet, I reached for the wall for support and scanned the room filled with strangers.
Strangers...why were they here. Why did they have to be here to take Tomoyo away? But Tomoyo's mother was not here...Sonomi Daidouji was not here... "...Where--"
"She's coming," Syaoran replied as he slowly stood up. "She's getting here as fast as she can--"
I let another groan escape my lips. What would Tomoyo's mother be like? She would be distraught...she would be dieing. Like me. Tomoyo was her everything. Her world. If she knew the truth...her mother would hate me. Hate me like Tomoyo probably did now. I snapped my head up and watched as two men dressed in white headed over towards Tomoyo's bed with a stretcher.
I couldn't contain myself and ran towards them, pushing them aside to see Tomoyo's pale face. She was so beautiful...so young. I felt arms pulling me back, I felt shouts directed at me. "Girl, move out of the way!"
I forcefully pushed their arms away. Forcefully escaped from their clawing hands. Why were they trying to take me away from Tomoyo? Why? I just wanted Tomoyo to stay...I just wanted Tomoyo to be ok.
"Excuse me, miss?"
I sucked in a breath and turned around. "What?" I found my voice bitter, shaky, and hoarse.
"Do you know what happened?" He was a police officer. I could tell by his uniform. He had a clipboard and a pen...what did he think he was doing?! Interviewing me about Tomoyo's death?! Why? To be put on the newspaper with headlines like: "Teenage girl murdered by her own best friend"? I wouldn't allow them to dig into Tomoyo's life, her death...and why did this stranger have the right to even ask me?!
I felt anger boil up in me for senseless reasons, but I wanted to be angry. But wait. It was true. I had killed her. Not physically but I had caused her this end that she didn't deserve...I was the criminal here, standing in the room filled with policemen and who knows what people. I felt my breath quicken as the officer's eyes peered at me with this intense gaze.
I couldn't say anything. I opened my mouth and nothing came out, just a pitiful cry. I felt the presence of a familiar somebody. Syaoran. He guided me towards a chair and placed me down. I didn't fight. I watched as he talked with the officer, his mouth opening and closing, his eyes intense and filled with remorse. The officer nodded and looked at me one last time. He gave me a slight nod and headed off.
Syaoran came back, his eyes suddenly not warm...did he suspect me? Did he know...did he know that I was the cause of all this mess? Guilt filled me and clawed at my heart like vultures. "Sakura...do you know why this happened? How did this person get in without setting the alarm off? Tomoyo must have opened the door for whoever it was because there seemed to have been no struggle at all," his voice was low. "According to the officers, it was on Tomoyo's freewill that the murderer got in."
I looked back at him, my lips trembling. I wanted to scream and say, "Don't ask me! I don't know..." But deep down, I did know. I knew everything and they would never know unless I said something. I remained silent instead.
"The paramedics say it was severe head injury...lots of blood lost, they're doing a check throughout the mansion," his words went in one ear and out the other. "...Sakura, you kept on muttering it was your fault," he continued. "...Why? Is there something--"
"There's nothing!" I said much too forcefully then I wanted to. Suddenly I felt like saying something. There were so many people in the room that I could tell everything to. Then I would be fine...no wait. I would be in jail...and Yori would be too...right? I had a part in this...or was it all my fault and I would drag Yori in with me if I told the whole story? Or would I be okay? I was suddenly confused. I didn't know how I would say it, and who would be blamed...I suddenly didn't know exactly what had gone on.
Only one person did.
Yori.
I abruptly stood up, looking away from Syaoran's inquiring gaze. I didn't need him to question me right now. I needed him to be there for me. But he didn't know what was eating away from inside of me. He didn't know...I brushed by him and out the door of Tomoyo's bedroom. I didn't hear the shouts of voices behind me, telling me to not go anywhere because the murderer might be loose.
But I didn't care. Infact, I started laughing at their stupidity halfway down the stairs. Sure, the murderer was loose. And she was right here.
Night seemed as dark as ever. Night seemed alive and was trying to grab hold of me and pull me into the darkness. Maybe I was becoming delusional, but every shadow, every dark corner, I thought was coming at me. The darkness would pull me in and I would be part of the night. I'd be one with the night. I walked aimlessly onwards, knowing my destination but never really thinking about it.
I heard footsteps behind me. I ducked into an alcove and stayed there, motionless. A figure clad in green hurried by, not sensing me. I stepped out once more and went on my way. When I reached the familiar rich atmosphere of the neighborhood, the fancy streetlamps didn't seem to bring any light at all. The night seemed to cover them and eat the light away. I walked by the familiar mansions looking sophisticated and royal.
And I stopped right in front of house 388, a beautiful white mansion. His house. The gates were open, leading me up the walkway and to the front door. There were no lights on in the house as I peered up silently. No moon in the sky, the stars seemed to have fallen. I pushed the doorbell, not caring what awaited me. Would he kill me next? I didn't care, I simply needed to do something.
But I didn't know what I wanted to do...to see him and beat the bloody pulp out of him? The thought seemed pleasant but not very realistic. I waited and waited, I heard no sound from the other side of the thick wooden doors. I heard no crickets, I heard no footsteps.
Just silence and the night. They were my only company.
Once again I pushed the doorbell, the sound of it echoing around me like a trillion vibrations. And still, no answer. I suddenly felt angry once more as I pounded my fists pitifully on the door. Couldn't anyone hear me? Was he hiding from me? Why? I waited. Minutes went by. An hour. It all felt the same to me. The cold felt like nothing compared to the icy feeling that chilled me inside. I was about to turn around when the door finally clicked open.
I slowly turned back and thought I had seen a ghost.
A woman had opened the door, slightly ajar almost scared as if I would leap out at her. Her face was as pale as blank paper, her eyes gaunt and hollow. Her hair came down to her waist in uncombed tangles of black. Her body, skin and bones, clad in a white night gown that hung loosely at her sides. But somehow, I didn't scream like I normally would have. Somehow, I knew this woman was human. And somehow, I sensed something from her that told me we were in the same world.
She opened the door slightly farther, and stepped aside. She seemed to float, her figure so light. If the wind blew too hard she would simply fall over and break. I walked into the house wordlessly as the woman turned on a dim light. I remembered the time I had walked into this mansion and thought it to look like a palace. Now it looked like a deadly place. A jail for whoever lived inside. I didn't know what to say.
"...Who are you looking for?"
At first I couldn't tell what had spoken until the woman stared at me with her lifeless eyes. I didn't know why I felt so calm, in this room with this stranger who looked everything like the dead.
"...Yori," I found myself saying.
Our voices seemed to match in harmony. Both hoarse, both shaky, both soft. Both scared.
The woman sucked in a breath shakily, I could almost hear it rattling her lungs. She came closer to me, looking at me, examining me. She finally placed a bony finger on my face. Exactly where my bruise was. She smiled.
I blinked.
"Why are you here?" She shook her head in disbelief. "When you know that this place is not where you want to be? Why don't you run away, when you have the chance? Why don't leave the darkness behind when you still have that chance..."
I didn't understand her. Not really at least.
She sucked in another breath. Breathing seemed hard for her and she must've realized my shocked look at how she breathed. "Broken ribs," she simply answered and dropped her cold finger from my face. "...My son is not here right now."
This was probably the only feeling I had felt in a while. Shock. So this was Yori's mother...this ghost of a human. I felt myself draw in a shaky breath and open my mouth, "...did he--"
"No," she seemed to read my mind. "He didn't do anything to me. His father did." She said it as if it didn't matter at all. She said it almost casually and light heartedly. I thought this woman must have lost her mind.
"You are young," she said. "You don't deserve to become like me. I made mistakes in the past that I can do nothing about, because I simply didn't. But you, you still have time to fly. You don't have to come back if you don't want to. He has no power over you."
I stared at her in confusion.
"My son," she said and suddenly sorrow filled her eyes. I didn't think that was capable. "He can't make you stay..."
I looked back at her with sadness. "...But he can," I found myself saying. "He did horrible things, but it was my fault in the first place. If I didn't leave him, he wouldn't have done those horrible things. If I didn't offer to show him around the school, maybe everything would have been different...it's all began because of me..."
"If it were not you, it would have been somebody else," she replied emotionlessly. "We are victims. But they are too."
"...How?" I found myself asking with bitterness.
"...They are preys of themselves. They have demons, they have darkness that some people don't have. They don't know that they're wrong, they are simply being themselves," the woman sighed heavily and I thought she would faint. "Don't we live in a world where we strive to be somebody else? They are doing the opposite...they aren't like some of us who try to be people we aren't. They are themselves."
I sort of understood her. And yet I didn't.
"...Don't end up like me," she said in a final tone and smiled. Somehow, a smile didn't really fit her gaunt face. "Maybe you still have a chance to escape."
"But why don't you?" I asked incredibly.
"...Because," she smiled hauntingly. "I do not want to leave."
"...But why?" I bit my lip.
She smiled, and this time it was a brilliant smile. I thought I saw colour in her cheeks, if only for a second. "Because I will not leave my son," she walked away and headed for the stairs. "I will protect him as much as I can, until my last breath." And she didn't look back at me as she glided up the stairs and into a bedroom.
I turned around and found myself walking out of the house. Why had I come here? I had seen Yori's mother...and I had thought she would be like his father. Abusive and brutal, hateful and mean. But this woman...she was like me. She had drowned before she knew it. She had suddenly found herself in situations that didn't seem to have any way out.
But did I have a way out? How?
I found myself walking home. I found myself thinking of that brave woman. She wanted to protect her son from his own father. And yet, she didn't know that she couldn't do anything. Her son was already lost. In a way, we were all lost. I wondered how long it would take for me to end up in that woman's shoes. I wondered what was ahead, but then I wondered why I was even thinking about the future when my present was a mess.
Maybe I'd have no future. How depressing.
When I reached home, it was past 9:30. I forgot about onii-chan, otou-san...I had forgot everything. I opened the door and noticed that no one was home. How strange. I saw another note left on the kitchen counter. It read something like otou-san and onii-chan hearing about Tomoyo's...passing. They said something about going to her house and if I had got home to find no one, I should call otou-san's cellphone.
They probably thought I was still at Tomoyo's...it suddenly felt weird to call Tomoyo's house Tomoyo's. I headed upstairs silently, not bothering to turn on the lights. I walked into the bathroom and stared down at my hands. Turning on the tap, I placed them underneath the soothing warm water. The water turned crimson as the dried blood left my skin.
I watched, simply mesmerized as I watched the tainted water disappear into the drain. I grabbed a towel and dried my hands. I washed away the foundation covering my bruise. I looked at it. It looked pretty. A mix of colours...I looked at my hair. A mess. I looked at my eyes. Swollen and red. I smiled. I looked crazy.
Suddenly I heard the doorbell. Confused, I walked downstairs. I couldn't be onii-chan or otou-san...they had keys. I crept to the door and peered through the window next to it. No one. I opened the door. No body was there, but something caught my eyes. A shopping bag sitting on the doormat. I crouched down, my knees cracking as I picked it up. It was not really heavy, but there was noticeable weight.
Bringing it up to my room, I turned on the lights this time and dumped the contents out of the bag and onto my bed. It was a VCR tape, with a pink note attached to it. It read: Dear Sakura. I stared at it as I touched it cautiously. Who left a tape outside my door? I took it from my bed and padded towards my television set. Slowly, I turned it on and the screen blinked on with life. It was currently some anime show.
I took the sticky note off from the tape before pushing it into the VCR machine. It took a few seconds before the screen changed from the cartoon characters to a blue blinking screen. Sitting cross-legged in front of the television, I was not expecting what came up next.
"Good evening Daidouji-san."
It was Tomoyo's face. She was blinking at whoever was holding the camera. But I knew who was holding the camera. I recognized that voice. It was Yori. Tomoyo was standing there with the door open. She smiled.
"Oh, hello Nishio-kun! What brings you here? And why are you carrying a camera?" She laughed. "Trying to be like me now?"
Yori laughed from behind the camera as Tomoyo let him in. I swallowed hard. Very hard as I watched the screen. "I came to see if Sakura was here," he explained. "She was a bit upset with me. Plus, I just want to test out my new camera. Just got it recently."
My eyes didn't blink once as I continued to watch.
Tomoyo was heading into the kitchen, the camera following her. Or should I say, Yori following her. "Oh, no, she didn't come. But she and Li-kun are probably at the park," Tomoyo's back was facing the camera as she made tea.
The camera shook a bit, causing the image to shake with it. "Li-kun?" Yori's voice was dark. I wanted to do something. I couldn't though. This was a simple replay of the past. I couldn't do anything...the yearn in me was unbearable. I wanted to scream to the Tomoyo in the screen. Tell her to get out and never look back. But I couldn't...because it was too late.
"Hai, Li-kun and Sakura-chan are just catching up," Tomoyo's voice trailed off as she offered Yori some tea. He didn't take it and Tomoyo placed it back onto the kitchen counter. She suddenly looked at Yori, not directly at the camera. "Ano...I sort of want to tell you something Nishio-kun."
The camera moved a bit. Maybe he was nodding, I didn't know. Tomoyo led him out into the living room and sat down on one of the expensive looking couches. I watched her every moment, savoring the images of a moving and alive Tomoyo. Yori sat down and the camera went down with his movements.
The camera moved off to a cabinet on the right but quickly went back to its target. Tomoyo.
"You know...Li-kun and Sakura-chan have been very, very good friends since they were seven...they were always together and you could see the happiness and joy reflected on their faces," Tomoyo said softly. "They rarely fought, and if they did, it was over silly matters and they would forgive each other in an instance. But...Li-kun had to leave four years later. We were eleven then."
Yori was silent.
"Sakura was...how can I put it into words? Sad? No, it was much more than that. Heartbroken? Maybe," Tomoyo sighed. "But seeing her sad made me sad too. I think she noticed my worries, our other friends worries too because she was no longer the genki Sakura we knew. And being the kind-hearted girl she was, she became happy again. But I could see it wasn't genuine. It was happiness made for her friends to see, and a lie to her heart."
"But after a while, I think she convinced herself that she really was happy. Yet, I could see more than even herself. She never realized how many times she mentioned Li-kun's name. She never realized how many dreams she told me about that had Li-kun in it. I realized that it might be more than friendship that she felt. But Sakura is a naive girl. She won't know until it's smack right in front of her face."
I smiled. A sorrowful smile. Tomoyo...did I really feel more than friendship for Li-kun? But if I did...how come I didn't feel anything? How come I only felt sadness and pain as I watched the scene unveil?
"Demo...now Li-kun is back. She is overjoyed, I can see it by the sparkle I haven't seen in ages in her eyes," Tomoyo smiled gently at the camera. "I know how Li-kun feels...and I'm pretty sure I know what Sakura feels...but..." Tomoyo looked thoughtful as she glanced at the carpet.
"But I'm in the way," Yori's voice was emotionless. Flat.
Tomoyo looked up, startled as if he had read her mind. She looked sympathetically at him. "Nishio-kun...it's not--"
"I would like that cup of tea actually. If you can get it for me, please, " came Yori's voice politely. It was so odd...so strange that I felt myself shiver. I hugged my knees to my chest as I wanted to turn off the screen now, but my body didn't move.
Tomoyo sighed and stood up. I shook my head. No...don't...just get out of the house Tomoyo...get out...I knew my thoughts were hopeless and stupid. But I couldn't help but think of all the things that I could have done to prevent her death...
Yori followed Tomoyo's retreating back into the kitchen.
I sucked in a breath.
There was movement as the camera shook a bit. Yori was leaning down or reaching for something...I couldn't really tell. Tomoyo was dumping the tea into the sink for it had cooled and was brewing a new pot. Yori was ever so silent as he stood right behind her. He placed the camera to the side, because I could see his arm now and a bit of his neck. And the marble vase, flowers and all, in his hands.
"So Daidouji-san, ever think your best friend would be the cause of your death?" Yori was raising the vase.
Tomoyo laughed. "Of course not."
The irony of it all...I wanted to throw the television set out of my window, and yet still my body did not listen to my pleas. Tomoyo, turn around...turn around...please turn around...
Yori was smiling. No, he was grinning. "Well, expect the unexpected."
And I felt myself turning away from the screen in horror as I heard behind me the television making a shattering sound and the scream of my best friend. Several seconds went by in silence. Was it over? There was no more sound...no sound of Tomoyo's beautiful voice...just a faint tinkling...I braced myself and turned back to the screen.
Yori was going up the stairs. The camera had a few bloodstains as there were blotches of red smudged on the screen. I felt my stomach flip and the little dinner I had wanting to come back up my throat. He looked through the rooms and finally found Tomoyo's. He went by the closet, the TV, the sewing machine, and into the adjoining room with her bed. He placed Tomoyo on the bed.
I choked and threw up.
Lots of blood...alot of blood...the pillow was turning a deep red in the blink of an eye...the ebony black hair of my beautiful friend was stained with blood...I felt myself want to throw up once more but nothing came out. The camera turned away. I thanked god.
"Sakura, Sakura, Sakura, look what you've done."
Yori's voice was menacing, haunting...I clutched at my sleeves, my nails digging into my own flesh. The carpet was a mess, my shirt was a mess, but I didn't care. Yori was raising the camera to be aimed at him.
"You won't say anything, will you? I wouldn't want to hurt anyone else...and I would have a hard time picking who to hurt," his said innocently and blinked. He smiled, a smile that actually looked sincere. "That boyfriend of yours sounds like a good pick...but he might be harder to...hurt. I'm not sure when Daidouji-san will wake up...but she seems asleep right now," he actually sounded confused. I felt my brain pound with a blistering headache. He could be out there right...following my loved ones...
"But anyways, sweet dreams Sakura, and I love you."
The screen went blank.
I went blank. I felt something inside of me snap as I jammed my finger on the 'eject' button on the VCR machine. The tape came sliding out and I grabbed it like a wild animal. I threw it against the wall, kicking it, stepping on it, breaking it in two. The tape inside was strewn about as I lashed at it with blind fury. When I was done, you could never tell that it was a tape.
And I suddenly realized I could have used it as evidence. Something at least...but why would I want to use such a disturbing thing as evidence? I cried out in anguish as I threw the remains of the tape into my closet. I heard the front door open, the voices of Touya and otou-san drifted up the stairs. I heard pounding footsteps come up and I heard my door click open.
I felt my onii-chan running towards me as he placed comforting hands on my shoulders. I felt myself curl into a ball and never look up. I felt myself drift off into blackness and I felt my world disappear.
I liked how it was now. My mind was blank and it was all dark. Nothing could get at me now. I was alone and I liked it. I didn't want anything else to happen, I didn't want any more voices to yell and shout. I imagined that it was nine years ago and Tomoyo, Meiling, Syaoran and I were at the park. We were building a lousy sandcastle in the sandpit and we were seven...
Tomoyo and I were working on one and Meiling and Syaoran were working on another. I filled a bucket with sand and attempted to flip it over onto the ground, but the contents spilled out. Tomoyo giggled and I pouted. She took the bucket from me and showed me once more how to make a perfect mound. I nodded and we looked at our other friend's castle.
It was perfect.
I smiled proudly at Syaoran who simply looked away and filled another bucket with sand. He took a stick and stuck it at the top of a mound. He looked at me again and smiled a bit. It was lopsided, but it had been the first time I saw him smile.
"You have to flip it faster," he had said.
I nodded quickly and tried again, and again...and again...and again...
"I can't do it!" I had finally given up and let the sand spill all over my shoes. "It's too hard...you can do everything Syaoran!"
He blushed and shook his head quickly. "I can't make paper stars like you can..."
"Hoe?" I blinked and looked proud that I knew something Syaoran didn't. "Honto (really)? Well, I can teach you! It's really easy and it's really fun. I remember my kaa-san taught me how...before she went up there," I had pointed upwards. "I remember I made 1000 of them!"
"Really?" Syaoran looked amazed.
I beamed proudly once more and dug into the pockets of my overalls. Pulling out a strip of green star paper, I made one slowly for Syaoran to see. As I pinched the last corner and the star puffed up, I turned to him and smiled. "See. Simple. Now take it," I tossed the star to him.
"What do I do with it?" He blinked in confusion.
I shrugged, "Anything really. But I remember my mother's voice telling me that you can wish on them! Like shooting stars! Isn't that handy?"
"So if I make a billion stars, I would get a billion wishes?"
I thought deeply and shrugged, "I guess, but isn't that a bit greedy? I say you stick with that one for now," I nodded towards the green star.
He nodded and smiled, "Thanks Sakura. I know how I can not be greedy! I can only wish on the stars you make, so I can't make a bunch for myself and wish on them!"
"You better not blackmail me into making you stars then!" I complained.
He grinned, "Of course not. You'll be my wish-maker."
I felt the scene fade and blackness met me again. How can I make any stars for you, Syaoran? How can I make stars for you to wish on now? How can I be your special little wish-maker when I need stars myself? Will you make me some?
...just one?
AN: Neargh, I freaked myself out typing this. Bah I need to go listen to happy, dappy music now -_- Welpz, please R+R~! Luff you all =) And thank you very much for your last reviews ^o^;; I started talking to myself and saying thank you out loud at my computer screen so my parents were kinda scared of me afterwards but it's all good now =)
Oh oh oh oh!! And if you would be so kind or if you're rather bored, please check out my new and uploaded S+S fic, Exposed. Here is a full summary of it below:
Syaoran and Sakura are complete strangers when they meet on the hill next to the cemetery one peaceful afternoon. The two seem to click and talk as if they were old friends, but soon night falls and Sakura must leave to go home and Syaoran is left with only the name Sakura Kinomoto and the short time they had together. Three months later, Syaoran returns to Tokyo, Japan to meet his best friend Eriol. When he brings Syaoran to the hottest nightclub in the city where leather and cleavage is necessary, he is shocked to see the familiar face of Sakura as one of the club girls. Could you say a completely different person or what? But Syaoran is determined to find out why Sakura chose such a low lifestyle, compared to his life of mansions and university. Will the two be able to put away their differences in society, attitude, and merely themselves? Or maybe they're not so different after all. S+S