AN: Thank you so much for the wonderful reviews for the previous chapter =) They made me smile so much ^^;; As I have just come back from my camping trip with my classmates, I was in such a tired mood but the reviews made me all fluffy ^^ Welpz, happy reading while I go rub my bruises from hiking -_- Ugherz, I detest hiking now.
Disclaimer: CCS doesn't belong to me, it belongs to CLAMP =(
Chapter Ten: Hover
Television has always been a person's best friend. Or not. But who doesn't watch television? When I was five, onii-chan always watched things with really loud music that made me cry. Otou-san always watched shows with people speaking in flat and boring tones. It made me blubber and clench the rim of my flowery skirts because the monotone of the voice was so utterly boring I wanted to scream. But that was when I was five. I watched cartoons and dubbed cartoons made me laugh because their voices were so artificial.
But that was when I was five.
Now onii-chan watches shows with loud music too, but it doesn't sound that horrible anymore. Otou-san still watches shows with people droning on and on about fires and burglaries; which I learned to be the daily news broadcast. And me? I watched soap operas and occasional cartoons. And videotapes of my best friend getting murdered by my own ex-boyfriend.
Pleasant.
I found myself in bed, with the lights turned off, the house eerily silent. The past events slowly caught up on me as I realized I was in a clean shirt and the vomit had been cleaned off the carpet. I stared at the blank television screen and thought about happy little bunnies running around. But soon the happy little bunnies disappeared and I heard Tomoyo's scream in my ears and my eyes clamped shut.
Television. I hated television from that day on. Not only did it show negative images, but the mistakes you made in daily life.
Getting up from bed, I looked at my alarm clock. It was making annoying ticking sounds in the glooming darkness of night. It read 3:45 am. How nice. I watched the minute hand of the clock move in smooth rhythm. It was fun. Just sitting there knowing that time was going by and you could watch it go and never come back. I started giggling and found the sound very alien.
I fell silent.
I swallowed.
I sniffed the air in my room. It all seemed fake. Some alternate universe. I liked my dream land better, where the air smelled fresh and new after a rainy day. Where the grass was always green and would never dry out and wilt yellow. Where the sky was always blue and cloudless. And where Tomoyo, Syaoran, and Meiling who was a distance memory to me, all sat together and played.
What world was I in now? I wasn't so sure. How could my dream land be so pleasant and real if it wasn't...reality? And how come right now, woken up from my dream, I felt so empty and hateful of the real world? Maybe this was the dream world. Maybe my dreams were reality. That thought lingered in my mind for a good while until I let myself come back.
One world, Tomoyo was dead. The other world, Tomoyo was fine and happy.
The other world seemed more realistic. Very much more realistic. This had to be some stupid nightmare.
Some very real nightmare.
I pinched myself hard and felt my skin burn. That feeling gave a sense of life to me, a small tingling sensation where my skin was starting to redden. The house was still silent. My closet door was partially open. And the clock continued to tick.
I stood up slowly, going towards the mirror which looked eerily shiny in the gloom. I looked at my reflection and thought I looked very much like that scary woman; Yori's mother. I just needed that ugly white night gown to top things off. I felt bitter. I felt cold. I felt...unique. If I had long flowing black hair that could cover the front of my face, I would look even more like a ghost. I giggled again.
A childish giggle. No one would know what demons I had in my soul right now. No one would know the things I knew because they were all in my mind and they would never know unless I said something. That thought actually comforted me for some odd reason. I could be smiling at someone and think horrible things but they would never know and think I was the nicest girl on earth because I was simply smiling.
I giggled again.
My reflection giggled with me. I wanted to ask why she was giggling when I felt so sad and lonesome. But then I realized it was my reflection. I pulled out the chair from my desk and sat down heavily. I didn't bother to turn on my lamp as I pulled out a sheet of blank paper, glowing white in the dark. I grabbed a pencil and doodled aimlessly, trying to blank out my mind and think it was any ordinary night...except that it was three in the morning.
I drew a tree, and grass and a sun and little butterflies. I drew a little girl leaning on the tree looking up at the cloudless sky. I stared at it for a while and thought it looked quite plain. I fiddled around with my pencil case until it finally opened and my pencil crayons spilled out all over my desk. I watched them roll around until they stopped. I picked up Mr. Green Pencil Crayon and felt my hand move towards the white leaves of the tree.
I suddenly stopped.
I placed Mr. Green down and picked up Ms. Brown pencil crayon. I coloured the leaves brown.
After an hour, I finished my picture and I was smiling. If my art teacher was here, she would compliment me on my creative mind. Yes, she would. The brown leaves looked boring, but better than green leaves. The tree truck was grey and looked like elephant skin. The sun was black and the rays were uncoloured. I added some stars. On the ground. I smiled proudly. My masterpiece.
But somehow, in the back of my mind, I thought other people wouldn't think it was all that pretty. Frowning to myself, I opened my desk drawer and placed the picture on the pile of notebooks. If nobody was going to appreciate my work, so be it. I started humming. And stopped myself. That song was a song the choir had been practicing just last week. I tried in vain to block it from my brain but Tomoyo's voice popped into my head again.
I broke Mr. Green Pencil Crayon in half.
The clock still ticked. It read 4:58 am. I think I heard a bird chirp a horrible song, but maybe I was hallucinating. I opened the blinds and saw the lightening sky. Why was it getting brighter? Didn't the sky know that I liked it darker? That way I could hide and never be seen and attacked by crazy people. I felt something in me twitch slightly as I turned away from the window and slipped under my cold covers.
I closed my eyes and sat, with the sound of the clock ticking. And I cried. Silently. It was a weird feeling, but the swelling in my heart finally exploded and my fantasy land disappeared and reality hit me in full force once more.
And so I cried, and I almost thought I was outside and the rain was pouring down on me and only me. I could hear the pitter patter in my mind, and the grey clouds looming above. But outside I heard the birds chirp and I knew it was another bright and beautiful summer day.
I wished everything was just black and white. I just wanted simplicity.
When I woke up, or opened my eyes in my case, Touya was standing over me with a mournful expression on his usual taunting face. He had such worry in his eyes that I never saw. Not even when mother died because that time I was too young and he was young too...I guess we just accepted the fact that she was up there and happy with her fluffy white wings. But now, I understood death. Life. Reality.
It was dark. It was bright. It was everything.
I sat up slowly, wondering why his eyes followed my every movement. Where was the usual racket he would make? I looked at the clock and noticed it was still beeping. I shut it and the alarm instantly fell silent. I turned back to Touya and smiled.
"Good morning," I greeted as if I was reading off some script.
He looked even more worried as he stood up in his full height. "...Sakura, you don't have to go to school today. Dad's already written a note."
Sakura. Ha, when did he ever call me Sakura? It felt weird coming from his mouth too, just like me smiling and saying good morning to him. I stood up and stretched, feeling my muscles pull and relax as I dropped my arms to my sides. "It's sunny," I found myself saying.
"Sakura," he repeated once more, a firmness in his voice that told me he was serious. "Go to sleep...you need it."
"I do?" I turned to look at him and smiled once more. I thought I saw him flinch but I shrugged it off. Maybe I'd show him my drawing, but then he might think I'm even weirder. Shoving that thought away, I opened my closet and slammed it shut again. Touya looked at me in surprise as I turned around again, pressing my back against my closet doors. Stupid closet. I didn't like my closet anymore.
"What are you doing?" I could sense a tone of anxiety in his voice. He was scared? Nah, onii-chan was never scared. Especially of me. I'm the little kaijuu. Always his little kaijuu.
"Slamming my closet door," I replied automatically and I once again felt like a programmed computer.
"...Are you sure--"
"Is breakfast ready?" I chimed in as I wondered how I would open my closet doors without seeing the black bits and pieces of the VCR tape. Why had I thrown it into the closet of all places? While throwing questions at myself, I barely heard onii-chan.
"...I'll be downstairs if you need me," was the only phrase I caught as he exited my room. I watched him go and close the door quietly behind him. How odd; onii-chan being graceful for once. I let out a breath and turned to face the closet like I was facing some enemy. Sucking in a breath, I hastily opened the closet doors and yanked out my uniform and slammed the doors behind me once more. Good. I didn't have to look at the tape if I didn't have to.
Changing quickly, I picked up the broken pieces of the green pencil crayon and placed it back into my pencil case. I combed out my hair, like any other day, and straightened my skirt, like any other day. I smiled at the mirror. It looked artificial. I tried again. It was getting better. I practiced a good smile for five minutes before going downstairs.
"Ohayo!" I greeted and tried on my practice smile. Somehow onii-chan didn't seemed fooled as he looked up from the dining table. He had that worried look in his eyes. I didn't like his worried look. It made me feel...odd.
"Ohayo," he greeted back hesitantly. "Dad had to rush back to Tomyo's house after...um--"
"Oh, checking on me?" I suggested as I sat down beside him. If I sat across from him I'd have to put on a happy face for a good ten minutes or so.
Touya turned to look at me but I didn't turn to look at him. "Yeah, just to see if her mother's alright..." he mumbled and poked at his pancakes. 'Um...Sakura--"
"I'm done!" I announced as I stuffed the last pancake into my mouth. I couldn't really talk anymore with my mouth as full as it could be, so I merely waved and walked to the front door. I spat the pancakes into the nearby garbage can just because swallowing made me feel nausea. Onii-chan didn't shout anything from the dining table so I shrugged and left.
I felt normal.
It was a very, very, very, very, odd feeling. To know that something had happened and left a hole in you somewhere, yet you were still walking and talking and being a person. So when someone you love dearly dies, the world still goes on. A little boy ran by me with a twig in his hand. I watched him run off and I wanted to shout and say, "Why don't you care that Tomoyo's not here anymore?"
But I didn't.
I walked by a bulletin board with different coloured posters tacked onto it. I felt bitterness in me once more as I saw stuff about the fair, and the museums, and the aquarium. I ripped them off the bulletin board and tossed them into the nearest trashcan. Why should people go to such things when Tomoyo had just left? I walked at a steady pace and saw the school building.
It looked solid and firm. A building made of brick.
I went in and the hallways were silent. There was no one around. Maybe I was early. I didn't care. I went to my locker and eyed the locker next to me. I stared at the flowers in front of it and I wondered why there were flowers. No one knew about Tomoyo's...passing. No one was suppose to know about Tomoyo's leaving. Except for my family, and Syaoran...and him. But why were there flowers anyways? Tomoyo would never get to see them. Stupid people...
I dumped my bag into my locker and grabbed my Geography binder and hurried to homeroom. People were already there and whispers were thick in the air. A girl I knew to be Miki was holding a newspaper and some people were crowding around her. I felt sick as I walked towards them and saw the heading at on the front cover.
At once I saw a picture of a familiar mansion with Tomoyo's smiling face staring back at me. It was her school picture that we had taken at the beginning of the year. I thought real live and flesh Tomoyo was prettier. I snatched the paper from the girl's hand and dumped it into the trash can. I seemed to be dumping alot of things that morning.
"What's up with you Kinomoto-san?" She asked in an annoyed tone.
I stared at her and walked off to my seat. Sitting down, I droned out the whispers and stared at the flower vase sitting on our teacher's desk. I started imaging what it would be like to have a million pieces of that vase break above your head and shatter around you like falling stars. Would it be a pretty sight? Minus the blood of course. Would it have been a slow death? Would it hurt alot? I wondered and wondered.
But then my thoughts drifted back to that newspaper. How dare they stick it on the front page as if it were some great news. And it shouldn't be news anyways. Couldn't anyone leave this good for nothing earth in peace? They always say rest in peace but they never get to until a week later when no one wants to talk about that girl who died in her house last week. There'd be some other story.
Drunk teen drives and dies, something like that.
I laughed to myself at what cynical creatures we were. That is, until someone tapped me on the shoulder. I shivered for no reason and turned around to see Syaoran. Confused, I wanted to ask him why he was at my school but then realized he was wearing school uniform. "Ohayo," I greeted and once again placed my practiced smile on my lips.
Somehow, it seemed so much harder in front of Syaoran. The person who was with me when everything flipped.
"Sakura? Why are you at school? You shouldn't be, you should be at home," he was speaking really fast and I wondered why. We weren't in a hurry were we?
"Slow down," I giggled that strange giggle. I thought he flinched too. Why was everyone flinching in front of me nowadays? "If you're at school, why shouldn't I be at school? Logical reasoning Syaoran," I replied and turned around in my seat again.
Yet somehow I could still feel his eyes on the back of my head. The taste of pancakes was still in my mouth and a little bit of vomit aftertaste from last night. I suddenly didn't feel so good anymore. And my day didn't get any better when he entered through those classrooms doors. Somehow, I thought after everything he would have just disappeared and I would think he had never existed.
But that wasn't the case.
He was still there.
Yori walked over and took his seat behind mine. Syaoran was sitting behind Tomoyo's former seat. "Ohayo Sakura-chan," said that monstrous voice of his. I wanted to vomit on him. I would actually be proud of that.
But instead, I found myself doing that smile. "Ohayo Yori."
He smiled brightly at me and turned to look at Syaoran. Syaoran was staring at him with a blank expression on his face, but at least he wasn't glaring. "Hello Li-kun. First day here? Maybe I can show you around. Or is Sakura showing you around already?"
I suddenly remembered the tape. The tape that lay broken in my closet.
" That boyfriend of yours sounds like a good pick...but he might be harder to...hurt."
His voice rang in my head once more. He was like some ghost haunting me and never wanting to let go and let me rest in peace even if I wasn't a dead person. I swallowed and I thought I heard my clock ticking but that wasn't possible because I was at school. All these thoughts ran in my mind until I literally screamed, "No."
Yori and Syaoran both looked at me. Syaoran was looking at me as if I were crazy and Yori just simply looked at me calmly. I liked Syaoran's look better. "I mean, I'd like to go with you Yori," was my pleasant explanation as I offered Yori my practice smile. He seemed to examine me before nodding and smiled.
"So what's new?" He asked.
I blinked. What's new? Once again I wanted to say something that I didn't end up saying. "I don't know. You tell me Yori. What did you do this weekend? Water the flowers in that massive garden of yours? Slide down the huge railing of those stairs in your house? Or did you go and kill my best friend?"
"Nothing new," I answered instead and found Syaoran staring at me again. Stop staring will you? It's rude. I seemed to talk inside my head alot today. It was rather comforting because I was sitting here talking to them in my mind but they wouldn't know unless I actually spoke. Interesting, isn't it? I giggled and Syaoran stared at me again.
"How about you, Nishio-kun?" Came Syaoran's voice uncertainly as his eyes finally left me and landed on Yori.
Yori turned to him and grinned cheerfully. "Watered the flowers," he answered.
I laughed. How ironic. "Really? Never knew you were the gardener type!"
He shrugged and turned back to me. "I don't know. Lately I just like flowers, since you get to buy fancy vases to put them into."
Then I felt something hit me and I swallowed down the orange juice I had for breakfast. It seemed to want to come up the other way again. "Oh," I managed to say. "I like vases," I added as an afterthought and felt like sinking into my seat and becoming an inanimate object.
"Same," he said and looked at Syaoran who was eyeing both of us. "How about you, Li-kun? Do you like vases?"
"...Uh, sure?"
I could tell Syaoran must have thought we were slightly out of our minds because we were having fun talking about vases. But then again, we were out of our minds and I laughed to myself once again. Yori smiled at me again and I felt something in me click. If he smiled, that was good. If he smiled, he wouldn't go hurt Syaoran and chuck vases at his head. If Yori smiled, Syaoran was safe.
"So, how about meeting Sakura and me at break so we can show you around?" Yori broke my train of thoughts.
Syaoran shrugged and nodded, but he still looked at me with this look that made me wonder if he could invade my mind and read it. I didn't like that thought so I broke our eye contact. When no one said anything more, Yori turned back to look at me again.
"It's all cleaned up, don't worry," he said as if he were comforting me. "I didn't leave any shards behind."
I didn't understand what on earth he was saying until he mouthed the word 'vase'. I didn't know how I could tell he had mouthed the word 'vase', but instinct told me he had. And I knew what he meant at once as scenes from that horrible tape ran through my mind again. Shaking slightly, I pretended to sneeze as I nodded slowly. He smiled. I laughed. Syaoran stared.
That was when the bell rang, signaling all of us to go off to our first class. I got up, feeling his breath behind me which caused me to shiver again. I felt his hand on my shoulder as he practically led me out of the classroom. I looked behind me for a quick second and saw Syaoran still standing at my desk, looking at me before he turned away and took something out of his pocket. I didn't see because Yori had led me around the corner and we were now going to class with the flow of students.
I noticed there were alot of eyes on me, and I wondered why. I saw Rika go by with swollen read eyes and she even burst into tears when she saw me. Naoko-chan and Chiharu-chan had similar reactions as they took their seats in Geography. I wondered why.
Sensei strolled in and looked solemnly at our class. I wondered why again.
"The principal has informed us of a tragic death of one of Seijou's students," her voice was shaky. I wondered why.
I heard Chiharu suck in a sharp breath and I didn't know why I was just sitting here blankly. I felt strange not looking swollen eyed and wobbly lipped like the rest of them, but I simply couldn't cry. I didn't feel anything...or I did. Maybe it was too overwhelming that my body couldn't tell what I was feeling anymore.
"Miss Tomoyo Daidouji has left us last evening," sensei's voice went on and on, and I wished she would stop. "And we will sit here for a moment of silence to reflect."
Everyone closed their eyes. I stared straight ahead. I felt Yori place a comforting hand on my shoulder again. I suddenly decided to close my eyes. Maybe I could dream of little happy bunnies instead of listening to sensei talk about Tomoyo in past tense. The room was silent except for occasional sobs.
The door opened and I cracked my eyes open to see Syaoran coming in. He was late but sensei dismissed it as he took an empty seat on the other side of the classroom. When one minute was up, we all opened our eyes and sensei waved a hand at Syaoran.
"Our new student from Hong Kong, Li Syaoran."
I suddenly wondered why he was late. I wanted to ask him but I didn't want to shout across the classroom. I felt Yori's hand leave my shoulder and I thought I heard him sob. I wanted to laugh at the irony of it all. Didn't the class know we were sitting in the same room as the murderer? Mourning with him? I frowned inwardly as class begun like any other day.
So, Tomoyo's death deserved one minute of class time. Dieing sucks.
I felt bitter again.
Sensei didn't ask us alot of questions. She made us take notes and draw lines. I didn't do anything but stare at the clock, wondering why I couldn't hear this clock tick like my alarm clock. I took out my pencil crayons and started doodling again on lined pieces of paper. I drew little bits and pieces of things that I didn't even know what it was until I realized they kind of resembled broken up pieces of a vase. I giggled until I noticed a shadow standing above me.
"Kinomoto-san."
It was sensei. I looked up at her silently.
"...Why are you are at school?" She asked as if it were the most obvious question. Ah, so she thinks I should be at home crying my heart out? Well, no, I wasn't. I had to be at school...because...
Because I had to keep my eye on Syaoran. I had to make sure that Yori wouldn't go after him when I wasn't around. I had to be here. I couldn't loose anyone else.
But I didn't tell sensei my reason. I simply shrugged and looked away. Sensei sighed and the clicking of her heels went away as she returned to the front of the classroom. For the whole class, everyone was giving me strange looks. I bet they all thought I was crazy. I smiled to myself as I continued drawing. No one seemed to care that I wasn't paying attention in class.
The bell finally rang.
I got up just like everyone else. I saw Chiharu and Naoko huddled together with a couple of our other friends, all sobbing together. I even thought about joining their water works, but decided that I could save the janitor some work from cleaning up a puddle of tears. Yori tapped me on the shoulder and leaned close to me. His breath was in my air.
"My cherry blossom, we have to show Li-kun around the school now."
I blinked. I wanted to scream, "Who's your cherry blossom?!" but I couldn't find the words nor the strength to say so. I found myself nodding and felt sick. Syaoran was waiting for us at the door. He was still looking at me. This time I spoke my mind.
"Why won't you stop staring at me?" I whispered as I went by him.
He grabbed my hand opposite to Yori and stuffed something into my hand. I blinked and looked at him but he was already looking away and following us outside. Yori was being the tour guide as I stood there, fingering whatever Syaoran had stuffed into my hand. If I wasn't mistaken, it was a paper star. It had the texture of one, and the points, and the size...
I felt myself being shaken until I snapped out of my revere. Yori was holding onto me worriedly. "Daijoubu Sakura-chan?"
I stared and nodded again. I stuffed the star into my pocket and looked at Syaoran. I smiled, "So, you know how to get around now?"
He nodded at me, but he never smiled. I frowned a bit. He sighed, and I wanted him to not sigh. Yori just watched us. Finally, Syaoran muttered something under his breath before grabbing my arm and pulling me aside. Yori looked at us startled but Syaoran just said, "Give us a moment."
I felt my heart beat quicken as Syaoran lead us to some trees at the side. I looked back at saw Yori's figure still standing there. I was suddenly scared as I pulled my arm away from Syaoran. "What are you doing?!" I nearly screamed.
"Why are you here?!" He nearly screamed back. "You don't look ok, even if you're trying to act like it. You look...look dead!" He finally managed to say. He looked angry. Why?
"Why are you angry at me?" I found myself asking.
He sighed, the lines fading from his furrowed brow as his features softened. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to shout. It's just...you're acting really weird...I understand that you don't want to miss school, and maybe why you don't want to cry but--"
I laughed loudly and he stared at me. "You think I don't want to miss school?" I felt my lips tremble as I shook my head. "I do. But I can't. I have to be here. But you, you have a chance to fly away..."
"What are you saying?" Syaoran mumbled. "I think you should go home and get some sleep."
"No," I said firmly and glanced back at Yori's figure. "You shouldn't have pulled me aside. You don't know what might happen...if that person sees he might think...think bad..." I couldn't shut my mouth as I spilled out my frantic thoughts. I saw Syaoran look at me curiously, he obviously didn't understand what I was blubbering on about.
"...Is there something you're hiding Sakura? Who's that person? Who is he?"
I stared at him wide-eyed. "No! No...not he. It's a she. No, it's a he..." I shut my mouth and looked away. I was saying too much. What if Syaoran found out the whole story...would Yori hurt him? I bit my lip hard as I turned to look at Yori who was still standing in a distance. I turned back to Syaoran and looked at him hard. "...be careful," I croaked and turned to go.
He stopped me. "Wait."
I stopped in my tracks but didn't bother turning around. Syaoran continued to speak. "...Remember a long time ago, you made stars for me to wish on. I've made one for you, so wish on it. Whatever it is, I hope your wish comes true." And with that he walked away in the opposite direction towards the soccer field. I swallowed and fingered the paper star in my pocket.
When I had returned to Yori's side, he was watching me carefully. I smiled at him and he smiled back at me as he took my hand into his. I felt like I was betraying Tomoyo. I felt like I was betraying myself. Which I was. But I begged for Tomoyo's forgiveness in my mind because I didn't want to loose Syaoran too. I felt my feet moving and soon we were walking into the school building again.
"What happened to Li-kun?" Yori asked lightly.
I shrugged in reply. "Wanted to go off alone."
"That's good," he responded and swung my hand in his. "No one to bother us."
"...Yeah," I mumbled. He acted as if nothing -nothing at all- had happened. He didn't seem like a murderer. He didn't seem crazy. He didn't seem to have sent that horrid tape. He seemed normal.
And I did too.
What good actors we were. I started giggling.
"What's so funny?" He asked curiously.
"Reality," I replied and continued to laugh. He looked at me and I looked at him. Both knowing what a horrid creature he was and what a horrid creature I was too. I laughed knowing how similar we were. We were both causes to Tomoyo's death. We were both out of our mind. I wondered how long it would take for me to go completely insane. I wondered how long it would take for me to think my fantasy land was real and reality as my dreams.
And I could only wonder, with Syaoran's paper star still clutched in my cold hands.
I wish for you to be safe, Syaoran. I wish for everyone dear to me to be safe.
AN: Ohohoho...and yet everything seems calm for a bit. Ohohoho, what shall happen next? _ You all may be able to guess...the whole Sakura telling the story part will end in ONE chapter. Which means something will happen in that chapter to make her end up where she is in the beginning, right? *cackle* But doesn't this mean the story is ENDING? Well, sadly, yes =( SNUFF! I will go cry and rant about it later but for now, R+R for it shall make me happy =P