AN: Ahahaha I don't know why but all of you seem to think this story will end angsty. Well, let me pop your bubble =P I will promise you guys a S+S ending. That is all I will say ^^;;
Disclaimer: CCS doesn't belong to me, it belongs to CLAMP =(
Chapter Eleven: Diving
-Syaoran's Point of View-
Seijou High wasn't very different than my school in Hong Kong. There were students, teachers, and lockers. But of course, the building was different so I got lost a few times before I found my homeroom. This time I didn't have Sakura to bump into and show me the right room, like nine years ago when I had first come to Japan. I was surprised when I saw Sakura sitting there, smiling, giggling...but somehow I saw through it.
She was either a really good actress, or going a bit insane.
I walked towards her and tapped her on the shoulder. I thought she shook beneath my touch but she managed to turn around without breaking into a thousand pieces like I thought she would. She greeted me like any other day. But once again it felt hollow and frightened. I was worried.
I asked her why she was here, that she should be at home, not at school. She said something about logical reasoning and that I was at school, so why shouldn't she? I sighed and caught her staring at the boy who had just entered the classroom. I recognized him as Sakura's...boyfriend. Or ex-boyfriend supposedly.
But Sakura's gaze made me suspicious. She seemed frightened but then she looked away and I could no longer see her eyes. I watched them closely. They didn't seem like a couple that had just broke up. They seemed like good friends. Sakura seemed normal and perfectly fine. Nishio-kun was just...there. I couldn't help but find it weird. As if I was watching a movie.
They were going to show me around campus at break. I shrugged a reply. But what really got me a bit thoughtful of their sanity was when they started to have an animate conversation about vases. When the bell rang, I couldn't help but feel a bit out of place. I watched them go, standing close. It didn't seem like they were an ex-couple. More like a new couple if you asked me. I frowned.
I saw Sakura look at me. I didn't know what her gaze held. Something that seemed to call out to me in my mind. I shook that thought away as I rummaged through my pockets for something. I stuffed a paper star in her hand as we walked out.
When we got outside, I could no longer hold in my anxiety. I had to pull her aside. And so I did.
She seemed even more frightened that I had done so. I didn't understand. She nearly screamed and I could only scream back. She fell silent and I felt bad for screaming. I let my mind settle before asking her more calmly and telling her that I'm worried about her. She started mumbling about me able to fly away while she couldn't. I was even more confused. Why could I fly away and yet she couldn't?
Something was tying her down. She started mumbling about someone...someone thinking badly. At first thought I thought about Nishio. But they seemed very...good for eachother, much to my dismay. Then she fell silent again and confusion was flooding me like crazy. She tried leaving but I stopped her. I reminded her to make a wish on the star I had made her. She seemed to need it.
And she just nodded and I left. I knew she would go back to that Nishio guy. And somehow, I longed to be in that person's place. And yet I was just the best friend Sakura longed for since five years ago. Just a friend.
I felt angry. I had known Sakura longer. Done much more for her. And yet she didn't seem to see me in that way. But Sakura didn't need an angry friend right now. She needed someone to lean on. I wondered if Nishio Yori would do a good job.
-Back into the future (at the hospital)-
And I wanted to run into a wall right then and there. What a stupid baka I had been. I had actually thought that Sakura was having a healthy, normal relationship with the bastard. I wanted to rewind time and do all the things I could have done to prevent everything, or anything at all, to have happened. All those times I saw her sitting there at her desk, she was teetering on the edge of sanity. But I didn't realize, nor did I notice.
Sakura was sitting there in her hospital gown, the sun setting in front of her. She had spoke towards the window, only occasionally turning to look at me. When she had talked about Tomoyo's death, she had stood up and pressed her fingertips on the window's glass, as if she couldn't get out of the building. When she talked about the tape, she sank down into her seat again. And when she spoke now, she was looking at me as if wanting to know why I hadn't saved her.
I looked down at the white tiled ground in anguish. I could have done something. And yet I was blind enough to not see anything until it was right in front of me.
"But I don't blame anyone for not seeing the truth," came her voice. "Partly it was my fault for putting up an act anyways. I could have just broke down and killed myself, couldn't I? But then...somehow I didn't kill myself...because there was still Syaoran and I wanted to make sure he was ok..." I felt my eyes burn with something alien. Watery. Tears? Li Syaoran doesn't cry.
I clenched my fists tightly.
The sky went dark as the sun slipped away.
Sakura was still speaking. "All I wanted then was a hug. A hug from my mother perhaps..."
I didn't know why but I got up from my seat then, and walked towards Sakura who's back was still facing me. She was still talking to the window. I didn't know why but I bent down and hugged her then. I hadn't dare to go near her at all for the whole time she was speaking. I was scared I would break the spell and she would go back into her little fantasy world and never come back. Never come back to me.
When my arms wrapped her around her cold and still figure, she fell silent. At first I felt my heart beat quicken. I had done it, I had broke the spell and now she was crazy again. I swore under my breath.
"And I really dreamt of my mother hugging me," she spoke. I felt myself release a breath of relief. "Her hug was warm and comforting...strong. Very real..." she moved and her head tilted to rest underneath my chin. "I fitted in her arms like a mold..."
Though it felt weird hugging her while she described a hug from her mother, I couldn't care less because Sakura had responded nonetheless. I watched with her as the stars began to blink in the sky, and I went with her into her world as her words brought me in.
-Back to the past (Sakura's story)-
Life still went on. Days still went by. A week. I didn't know. But that was when the paper star messages began. And I knew who they were from and I was glad that he was smart enough to not talk to me too much when we saw each other. But that led me to wonder if he knew about Yori...but how would Syaoran know about Yori's...behavior?
I entered the classroom one Monday morning and saw the daily paper star on my desk. Syaoran was already there and he nodded at my knowingly. I sat down and took the paper star from my desk and placed it into my pocket. I would read the message later, because Yori had just come into the room. He took his seat and gave me a peck on the cheek that sent shivers spreading through me like a spider's web.
I didn't speak. I was tired.
Tomoyo's funeral was going to be this Sunday. Six more days until I would see her again. I wondered if she was just as beautiful as the last time I had seen her...Meiling-chan would be there too, according to one of Syaoran's paper stars.
The bell rang again. It was some daily routine I was getting bored of. I had a different class then Yori for first block which was good. I said good-bye to him and nodded at Syaoran before ducking into the girl's bathroom to look at the paper star Syaoran had left on my desk.
I unwrapped it and read the message neatly written in black ink.
You need to eat more at lunch. I notice you never eat. Why? What's wrong Sakura, you can tell me.
I bit my lip. Syaoran just had to be so dang observant. I looked up and glanced at myself in the washroom mirror. Sure, I looked gaunt and pale but at least I was alive unlike Tomoyo. I took out five more strips of wrinkled star paper pressed between some of the pages in my textbook. They were all from Syaoran from last week. The first one read:
You aren't speaking. You seem afraid to. If you won't talk to me, will writing to me work? -your best friend
And so I had begun to write to Syaoran in paper stars and leaving them on his desk just like how he left his stars on my desk. I thought maybe that way Yori would think I didn't care about Syaoran all that much and wouldn't even think of Syaoran as a target if anything were to happen. It all seemed like a good plan. My first star I had written to him went something like this:
Gomen, I'm not afraid...I just don't want to talk to anyone. It's not personal. Please understand.
And he did understand, much to my relief. Syaoran really was a good friend. I decided I would try eating more at lunch today, just to make him happy and to let him know that I still take his words seriously. I hurried to class and made it just in time. I felt slightly dizzy from the lack of sleep and food, so I slipped into my seat gratefully. I really tried to concentrate on the math equations on the board. I really did.
But the chalk and the board blurred together as one and I had to blink so many times that I just gave up completely. I resided to doodling again and decided to make a paper star from my worksheet paper. I would scribble a note for Syaoran in it.
I'll eat more for lunch, don't worry. Nothing's wrong, I'm just a bit sad. Aren't you?
Pinching the corners, the star looked a bit deformed but that was ok. I heard sensei say something but I wasn't sure. I was probably doing horrible in all my classes right now, but that seemed so small compared to everything else going on in my life. When class ended, I saw Syaoran walk by and I quickly went after him. Stopping him, I wordlessly shoved the star into his hand. He looked at me.
"Sakura--"
"Sakura, there you are!" Came Yori's voice. I flinched and turned around. I really hoped that he did not see me handing that star to Syaoran.
I did my fake smile as he took his hand in mine. Syaoran just watched us. "Where are we going now, Yori?" I asked quietly.
"How about outside? The fresh air is nice," he suggested.
I nodded without a word and gave Syaoran a quick glance before Yori led us away. But then Yori stopped and turned around to look at Syaoran. "Hey, Li-kun, you know for our History project?"
I swallowed as I looked up at Yori and quickly at Syaoran. He nodded and asked, "Yeah, so?"
Yori smiled, "We can work on it tomorrow after school?"
Syaoran shrugged, "If you want."
"Ok," Yori said with that smile still on his face. Somehow, this time I didn't think a smile was that comforting from him anymore. "How about at your place, if that's ok?"
Syaoran nodded and gave me a look before heading off in the opposite direction. Eversince Tomoyo's death, Syaoran had lived in his old apartment that his family bought. I felt something in me sink. How would I persuade Yori to let me go with him to Syaoran's? I didn't feel okay with the thought of Syaoran and Yori alone. In a house. Where there might be vases. Or something else.
I felt my insides squirm in discomfort as I looked up at him. "Yori--"
"You have volleyball tomorrow after school, don't you? I'm sorry I won't be there to cheer you on," he cut in before I could finish. Somehow I could tell by the tone of his voice that it was pointless to try to follow him. I blinked and looked at the ground.
"Maybe if practice ends sooner, I can go to Syaoran's and help you guys on your project..." I said and wished my voice wouldn't shake.
He seemed to think about it before smiling. "Sure."
I nodded and he grinned. I suddenly wanted to go to some foreign country where no one knew me and I could start all over again. That would be nice. But that wasn't going to happen.
The next day, I was late for homeroom because I had fallen asleep at 5:30 am. I realized that I didn't even have to go to homeroom because the bell had already rung for first block to begin, but I needed to get my paper star from my desk.
But there was no paper star on my desk.
I stood there staring at the smooth surface of my desk for a good minute before my homeroom sensei called me over to see if I was ok. I said I was fine. But I really wasn't because Syaoran always left a paper star on my desk...always. I didn't like things that were out of the ordinary. It made me scared. It made me think of a million possibilities on what may have happened to that star. Or the maker of that star.
I hurried to class. I was glad I had Geography because Syaoran was also in that class. But also Yori. Maybe I could ask Syaoran about it...without Yori hearing...but what if he heard and got suspicious that I was communicating with other guys through notes? I was getting paranoid, and I knew it. But it never hurts to be extra careful, especially when you have someone like Yori beside you all the time.
When I entered class, I attempted to catch Syaoran's gaze but he was concentrating on his notes. Yet I was glad that he was actually in class and wasn't somewhere else. It made half of my worries disappear. Yet another half was still there, eating at me through the eighty minutes of Geography. I didn't care why the mountains were where they were, and I didn't care if Mt. Everest was the highest point of the earth's crust. I just wanted to ask Syaoran about the paper star.
Yet when class did end, Yori launched his hand in mine and seemed even more frantic to get me out of the classroom then any other day. I caught Syaoran's gaze for one second but it was much too quick to see what he was thinking. Not that I could tell in the first place. The day was a blur and I ended up not having much of an appetite to finish my lunch because I hadn't been able to speak to Syaoran.
When class ended, I reluctantly went to my locker to get my shorts and t-shirt. The flowers in front of Tomoyo's locker were wilting. I sighed and picked them up, mourning the loss of their beauty. I really didn't want to go to volleyball practice. I stood there thinking about skipping one practice. Just one. Coach wouldn't mind...she would understand that maybe I wasn't up for it after the trauma. Or maybe she wouldn't understand but I didn't care.
For once, in a long time, I decided to do something. I decided to skip volleyball practice and go to Syaoran's to make sure he was alright.
That was when I accidentally dropped my shorts and had to bend down to pick it up. And that when I also noticed a thin sheet of paper that looked like star paper, unwrapped and wrinkled at the bottom of my locker. Someone had slipped it through my closed locker door because the message from Syaoran was one I hadn't read before.
Please Sakura, I need to talk to you. Meet me at the park at 7.
I stared at it. The message was also crossed out with red ink. Why would Syaoran had slipped it through my locker and crossed it out? Unless...it wasn't Syaoran who had slipped it into my locker? Then who had...and why? And...and a bunch of thoughts just ran through my head before I felt dread fill me like the time Syaoran told me Tomoyo was at home. Alone.
Syaoran. Syaoran was all that ran in my mind right now. And the foreboding feeling this slip of star paper gave me.
Maybe Yori was the one who had taken the star from my desk. Maybe Yori was the one who had unwrapped it and figured things out. Maybe Yori was the one who had slipped it under my locker door to taunt me like how he did with the videotape. And maybe he was slamming a vase down on Syaoran's head as I stood here like an idiot.
I threw my shorts and t-shirt back into my locker and slammed the door shut. I didn't bother closing my lock and ran as fast as I could to Syaoran's old apartment. I knew where it was. Of course I did. It had been my second home nine years ago.
I was dizzy, tired, and fearful as I hurried down the sidewalk. Maybe if I had eaten my lunch I would have had more strength to run. Maybe if I had slept normally I would have the energy to keep my eyes open. The sun was blaring down on me, making me pant and feel as if a thousand weights were on my legs. Running had never been a problem of mine. And yet now, it just had to turn on me.
Syaoran and Yori couldn't have been at Syaoran's apartment for long, I tried assuring myself. If anything were to happen, it couldn't have already happened, right? My thoughts didn't exactly calm my racing heart as I neared the familiar white building. When I reached it, I groaned in dismay that there were gates and you needed a special code number to open them.
I rattled the gates, I kicked at them, but I failed to do any damage to it. I yelled for somebody inside to open the darn gates, but no one heard me. My heart raced and I was sure it would stop any second.
That was when I decided I would climb over the low wall surrounding the building. Determined, I hopped onto a wobbly trashcan and heaved myself up with the little strength I had. Scraping my knee on the cement, I jumped down and nearly twisted my ankle. Breathing hard, I felt the world spin slightly as I steadied myself.
I was not going to faint. Not when I was so close. Not when I was going to save Syaoran.
Pushing the glass doors open, the lobby was silent. I jammed my finger on the up button of the elevator, waiting impatiently for the silver doors to open. When it finally made an annoying 'ding' sound, I ran in and realized I couldn't remember what floor it was on. I just remembered there was a 52 in his room number...but what was the first number? If I knew the first number...I would know the floor...
I bit my lip and pressed every floor. I was glad this apartment wasn't a thirty story one, but only a ten-story building. But that was enough floors for Yori to do something. Or maybe Syaoran was smart and was alert...but what if he wasn't? Tomoyo had been fooled...I had been fooled...if only I had just told Syaoran in the first place. If only I had just...spoke out.
But I decided that I wasn't going to regret just yet. I didn't have the time to.
The doors slid open for floor one. I ran to room 152 and pressed the doorbell twice. No one answered. I knocked and pounded. Finally, some old man answered and I didn't even have time to apologize as I ran back to the elevator. Floor two.
Much to my annoyance, floor two was some lady who thought I was selling girl scout cookies. The third floor was a man who asked if I was asking for donations. And when I reached the fourth floor, there was just something familiar about it. Maybe because there was a paper star dropped carelessly near the front of the elevator that caught my eyes immediately. I recognized it as the star I had made from my worksheet paper just yesterday.
I didn't bother picking it up as I ran to room 452, forgetting about how tired I was, forgetting about how my feet were going to buckle beneath me any second. I was going to knock when my hand reached the door and it easily opened. That made my heart skip a beat and for one second I thought I was going to just evapourate into the air and wish I never existed.
If anything happened to Syaoran, I would never forgive myself. If anything happened to anyone else, what would I do?
I slipped into the quiet apartment room silently. The carpet was a pretty green. Very much Syaoran. Everything was neat and clean. I heard a clock ticking from the living room. I walked in. The TV was on. Somehow, nothing seemed very comforting at all. Nothing.
A cup of tea was on the glass coffee table, and a binder was left on the plush couch. A pencil seemed to have rolled off the coffee table because it was sitting peacefully at the foot of the table. No sign of life. I looked ahead and saw the balcony. No one was there either, but I caught sight of a familiar jar of paper stars sitting on the railing. I braced myself and padded towards the glass doors separating the room to the balcony.
But that was when I heard running water. From a sink. Splashing onto something. The kitchen.
I immediately turned towards where I thought to be the kitchen. I couldn't bare what I felt in my mind and nearly leapt over towards the adjoining room. At first, I thought I was hallucinating. At first I thought I must be in my dreams again but then my dreams were pleasant, not unpleasant. And since what I saw was unpleasant, I knew at once that this was not a dream and in fact reality.
And what I saw was Syaoran standing at the sink washing a teacup with his brow furrowed slightly, and Yori advancing closely to him with a baseball bat. Now that wasn't pleasant and I wasn't about to simply stand there and watch the scene unravel. This time, I was here in person. This time I wasn't watching something from a tape. This time, I was here and I could stop it.
And I did.
I thought for one second about my life and everything in it. I thought about onii-chan and otou-san and mother who was up there and probably very disappointed in her little girl. I thought about Tomoyo who was probably nodding and agreeing with mother. I thought about my drawing about the black sun and the fallen stars. And I thought, what a beautiful world.
And so before I knew it, I had run into the kitchen and nearly launched myself in front of Syaoran. And when I did that, I was smiling and feeling the happiest I had ever been in my entire life. Because I knew, for once, that I was doing something right.
And it was also then that the world slipped away and blackness enveloped me as something seemed to shatter in me and I could no longer feel, nor see, nor think very much.
Except that everything was going to be ok again.
AN: Aiya, this is probably the biggest cliffie I have done in this fic. Is the ending of this chapter confusing? Well, to sum up the ending, Yori was advancing in on Syaoran to slam the bat on him when Sakura leapt in the way. Make sense? Yep, yep ^^ Welpz, next chapter will be from alot of people's point of view...at least I think so. There will probably be two more chapters until the end =( I vant to cry! You have all been so helpful and supporting, and I'm glad that most of you have enjoyed this fic =) I'm glad to have provided some entertainment and shivers...ehehe, and yes, don't think that I'm crazy for writing such a chaotic fic. I'm a perfectly fine person. Lol ^^ Well, R+R and thank you veree much for reading!