Chapter Twenty: Back to Abnormal!
The characters in this fic, by and large, do not belong to me. The X-Men, and related characters, are the property of Marvel Comics. GI Joe, and related characters, belong to Hasbro. The Delgado children (Althea, Brittany, Daria, Quinn, and Claudius), Xi, Sgt Snuffles, and the Eloi belong to Red Witch. Reader, however, does belong to me.
RogueFanKC: Thank you! Not even Sabretooth can resist Kitty's cooking! Polaris is gonna feel guilt? Yes, and I hope to touch on that in the next fic. Trinity and Jamie got a small chance to shine, and I'm also hoping to feature them in a bigger way in the sequel. Psylocke/Kwannon conflict? Yes, but not right away. Willow joining the Misfits? Read and find out! Best friends? Not a chance! Better friends- yes I know it's not much, since they realistically cannot be worse friends- but not best friends.
Red Witch: Thank you! I like the relationships you have between the Misfits and their handlers. All the adults love all the kids, and vice versa, but there are definite special relationships- Roadblock and Todd, Spirit and Lance, Xi and Low Light, and so on.
Sparky Genocide: Thank you! Yup, the girls did their part. I want to feature them more in the next one.
L1701E: Thank you! Yup, the Marauders got what they deserved, but the effect is kinda spoiled since they'll be back. The High Lords? That's what the Externals call themselves. They aren't really bad guys- no wait, let me clarify that. They aren't a cohesive force- they will act in unison at times, but they are mostly independent of each other. There are one or two good ones, a couple neutrals, and some incredibly evil ones. Case in point- Selene is an External. As for the Starrs- I will introduce them in the sequel. I'm not sure how much they're going to end up doing, but they'll join the Misfits for certain by the end.
Cammy: Thank you! As for the sequel: I was originally going to have it as my epilogue, but it grew and grew and grew into a fic of its own. I agree- the Joes deserve a chance to shine, and I also want to feature some of the characters I've overlooked and others that I've injured. Reactions: I'll try to cover some of them here, but a lot of stuff is happening and not everything has had time to sink in yet.
"Oh, my," Jean breathed as she saw the mansion. It didn't look too much worse than after an ordinary visit from the Misfits, but no blood was ever shed in those fights. This time, there was a trail of it.
"Damn," Scott muttered, and climbed the stairs at full speed. Shortly after going out of sight, she could hear him yell in agony.
"SCOTT!" Jean shouted, and flew up to find him. She expected anything but what she found.
"Oh, I'm so sorry," Elisabeth panted, standing over Scott, who was clutching himself. "I heard somebody coming, and I thought it was Sabretooth."
"Mommy," Scott whimpered. Jean looked around, and saw Todd and Althea behind her, staring. Althea burst out laughing. It took all Jean's willpower not to join her. It was kind of funny. Todd was just wincing. Oh, man.
"What's wrong?" Lifeline called, joining the group. He saw Scott.
"Again?" he asked his cousin-in-law.
"I thought he was Sabretooth," Elisabeth blushed.
"Can we trade her for Wanda?" Scott wheezed. "It'd be safer!"
***
Logan smelled the scent of his most hated enemy. Sabretooth had come to the Institute. He gave a horrifying cry of rage, and followed the scent. His nose took him to the kitchen. He threw the door open.
By the time Rogue came to the kitchen, she saw Logan standing outside, laughing so hard he was crying.
"What happened?" Rogue asked in shock. She'd never seen Wolverine like that sober. He just pointed, and started wheezing with laughter. Rogue took a peek in, observed the entire kitchen, noticed who was there and what wasn't, and then turned to Logan.
"He didn't, did he?" she asked in shock.
"Yes!" Logan managed to wheeze. Rogue joined him in laughter.
***
"Hail, hail, the gang's all here," Brittany called as the group entered the Institute.
"Girls!" Shipwreck called, running to hug them. "What happened?"
"What didn't?" Quinn asked.
After the hug, he looked up. David Haller was holding Baldy, and boy did he look bad! Jamie was there too, and Gabrielle Haller, who was holding up-
"YOU!" Shipwreck yelled, lunging at Polaris.
"It's okay, dad!" Daria shouted. "She's free now! No choker, see?"
"What's going on- YOU!" Low Light yelled as he entered the foyer.
"Here we go again," Daria groaned.
***
The infirmary gained a few more charges. Xavier was the worst case, Lance, and to a lesser extent Elisabeth, weren't much better, but they would all be out soon. Pietro and Kurt (and Scott) got off relatively easy, considering- they were able to be out by the next day.
Sabretooth was transported to the Pit. He would be locked in the strongest stockade the Joes had.
"I can't understand what happened to him," Lifeline said. Kitty, Amanda, and Jean were fawning over their respective loves, and the X-Adults and the Hallers were with the Professor. "What could be so bad that he couldn't just recover? His healing factor is supposed to be as good as Wolverine's."
"Well, Edwin," Elisabeth smirked from her bed, "it's like this." Elisabeth made a fist, and reached into herself with her mind. The purple energy shot from her hand. "I discovered how to make this."
"That's concentrated psychic energy!" Jean gasped. "How can you do that?"
"Does that mean she's stronger than you?" Amanda asked.
"No," Elisabeth told her. "Jean's stronger, but I use my telepathy in different ways than she does. This-" she lifted up her hand "was strong enough to sort of disable Sabretooth's psychic guards."
"Sort of?" Jean asked.
"I couldn't attack his mind, and I could barely read it, but I could affect his lower functions- exhaustion, lust… hunger… I made Sabretooth as ravenous as I possibly could, and I made sure he went through the kitchen."
"Then he ate all the stuff I made!" Kitty gasped. "I left my food out for anybody to eat if they got hungry, and it isn't there now! What else did he eat?"
"That's all," Elisabeth smirked.
"You mean he got a stomach ache from eating too much?"
"He got a stomach-ache alright, Half-Pint," Logan grinned.
"Let me get this straight," Lifeline said. "You gave Sabretooth the munchies, and led him to Kitty's cooking?"
"Yes."
"Damn, you're evil," Kurt said in admiration.
"Hey!" Kitty fumed.
"You are the perfect woman," Pietro grinned from his bed.
"And you're the perfect man," Elisabeth giggled back at him.
"And I'm going to need the perfect insulin if the sweetness doesn't go down," Logan mock groaned. He didn't need it- Sabretooth's fate ensured he'd be in a good mood for at least a week.
***
"Did she really nail Scooter in the nuts again?" Wanda asked Peter.
"Uh-huh," Peter winced.
"Oh, I would have loved to see that!"
"I'm glad I didn't," Peter shuddered. Then he looked at her. "Is it true that you took Scrambler down?"
"Yeah," Wanda nodded. "He was going to shoot me, but my powers made the bullets hit him instead."
"Are you okay?" Peter asked gently.
Wanda was silent.
"Yeah," she said slowly. "I think I am. I know where you're coming from now, but it really was him or me."
"It was good you were able to react in time," Peter smiled.
"You got that right," Wanda smiled.
***
"Hello, cherie," Remy grinned, holding a rose. Rogue smiled, and took it. It had been a long night, and nobody was able to sleep. The Rec Room had been converted into movie marathon central. Rogue, who had already seen the current movie, decided to wait in the kitchen for a bit, drinking a coffee (not B.A.'s- Xavier expressly forbade it in the Institute- which didn't mean that it didn't get smuggled in from time to time).
"Thanks," Rogue smiled, taking it.
"I hear you got Blockbuster," Remy said as he sat beside her. Rogue shrugged.
"Yeah," she said tonelessly.
"And it's bothering you, isn't it? Come on- you can't hide it from Remy."
"Yeah," Rogue finally muttered. "It is. Ah know that they'll be back, but still- Ah just dropped him, you know? He didn't even have a chance."
"And that was exactly the chance he would have given you," Remy reminded her.
"Ah know." Rogue took a long swig of her coffee. "How did you take it? Killing Prizm the first time?"
"It didn't bother me so much," he shrugged. "It wasn't the first time Remy has had to kill."
"What?" Rogue asked, whirling to look at him. "When-"
"It was before Magneto- or Essex for that matter. A man didn't think I was good enough for his sister, so he challenged me to a duel. I would have let him live if I could, but the man, he did not give Remy dat option. Dat was why I left de Thieves Guild."
"Oh, Remy," Rogue breathed. Remy smiled, and looked at her.
"I know how you're feeling- and I know that mine won't be coming back," Remy said, and Rogue hugged him. Remy hugged back, and tried to rationalize his lie. It wasn't a lie, exactly- everything he said was true, as far as it went. He just left out the fact that the man he killed was his new brother-im-law, who interrupted Remy's wedding feast, and there was no way he going to bring up the fact that he was technically married, and left his wife behind because he didn't want her to have to live with her brother's killer.
'Belle,' Remy thought wistfully. She was the only woman for him, until he met Rogue. He said goodbye to Belladonna a long time ago- in his heart. He would always love her, and he hoped that she was happy- she more than deserved it- but she was his past. Rogue was his future.
***
The next day, the adults gathered in the Med Bay. Xavier wanted to hear what Destiny could tell them about her capture first-hand.
"Where to start?" Irene muttered.
"How about with what this Essex really wants, and go on from there," Hawk told her.
"Very well. Essex used to serve a mutant known as En Sabah Nur."
"Who?" Shipwreck asked.
"He goes by the name Apocalypse, these days," Xavier sighed. He knew he hadn't heard the last of Apocalypse.
"And how do you know all this?" Hawk asked Destiny, after Xavier briefly recounted the story of their run-in with Apocalypse.
"Partly from what he said, partly from what I saw."
"And Apocalypse wants to set mutants at each other's throats to see who the most powerful ones are?"
"That's the second phase of Apocalypse's plan. The first phase is to kill all the humans in the world."
"What?" Xavier asked. "How?"
"That, I do not know yet. It has been hidden from me. Essex wishes to stop him."
"And how does killing us help stop this Apocalypse?" Callisto demanded.
"One of you is going to serve Apocalypse. That one is going to be one of Apocalypse's Four Horsemen."
"Four Horsemen?" Mole asked. "I don't like the sound of that."
"You shouldn't. The Four Horsemen will be Apocalypse's most powerful servants."
"So he wants the four most powerful mutants in the world," Hank reasoned.
"Not exactly. He's a very literal being. He wants his Horsemen to have powers corresponding to their names."
"Famine, Pestilence, War, and Death," Callisto muttered. "Those are the Four Horsemen, right?"
Destiny nodded.
"Then this Essex wants to kill Plague, doesn't he?"
Destiny nodded again.
"Where is Plague?" Callisto asked.
"I think she went out for a walk on the grounds," Sunder said.
"Get her here, now!"
He returned a few minutes later.
"We can't find her," he reported. Xavier tried to use his telepathy to find her, and he failed. He dispatched Logan.
"It's no use," Irene said softly. "She has been taken."
"Taken?" Callisto asked. "By who?"
***
Plague hobbled along the Institute's grounds. It was a nice place, but it wasn't her place.
"Your place has been taken away," a voice said from behind her. A hooded man stepped out of the trees.
"Who are you?" Plague demanded.
"I'm a friend," the man said, and lowered his hood. He was bald, with green tattoos on his face. "And do I have an offer for you…"
***
'She went this way,' Logan thought. Her trail led to the woods. It ended soon after, as Logan caught another scent.
"Mesmero," he growled.
"So Mesmero beat me to her," a voice said from behind him. Logan whirled. Leaning against a tree was a very non-descript man- average height, average weight and build, medium brown hair, medium brown eyes.
"Yer Essex," Logan hissed.
"Correct," Essex smiled, in the same tone most people would use to say 'good dog.'
"RRAHH!" Logan yelled, drawing his claws and cutting the man's stomach to shreds. Or that was his goal…
"You really should control your temper, my atavistic friend," Essex smiled. Logan's cuts were deep, but they drew no blood. They also healed remarkably quickly. "Is that how you greet a guest?"
"What are you doing here?" Logan growled, trying to think of a way to take him down.
"Well, I remembered the old adage: 'If you want to do something right, do it yourself.' However, if that little lackey has already fetched the one known as Plague, then I'm too late."
"Yeah, so leave," Logan snarled.
"Temper, temper, Wolverine. Perhaps I should teach you a lesson about respecting your betters. It appears Professor Xavier hasn't properly educated you in that regard. Yes," Essex smiled, taking a fighting stance. "I really should take you out to the woodshed."
Wolverine launched a kick at Essex. At the last moment, Essex turned into a green mist.
"AHH!" Logan roared. The mist smelled very strong, and he could already feel tired. He tried to get to fresh air, but the mist followed him. Logan fought for consciousness with all his strength, but he could feel his senses deaden- the world grew black, sounds died, taste failed, and sensation went numb. Only the sweet smell remained, and eventually even that faded.
"Uhh…" Logan groaned, as he toppled to the ground, out cold. The mist coalesced, and some flew out of Logan's mouth and ears, rejoining the whole.
"I should," Essex smiled down at Logan, "but you aren't worth the effort or the time."
***
Back in the Med Bay, Irene suddenly gasped.
"Upstairs, quickly! He's coming!"
"Who's coming?" Hawk asked.
"Essex!"
***
'I wonder what's taking Logan so long,' Peter thought as he went to the front door.
Suddenly, the door exploded and something very heavy hit him. It threw him up against the wall, knocking him out instantly.
The noise attracted the attention of everybody in earshot, including the adults, who were already on their way. Unsurprisingly, Pietro was the first to get there, shortly followed by Kurt, and then Remy. They saw a hole in the door, Peter crumpled against the wall, slumped over Logan.
"If I knew he was going to make that big a hole, I wouldn't have thrown him quite so hard," an ordinary looking man said as he stepped in through the hole.
"You!" Remy gasped.
"Hello Remy," the man smiled. "It's good to see you, traitor though you are."
"Let me guess," Pietro remarked. "Dr. Essex, I presume?"
"Correct," Essex smiled. "You don't need to bring out the red carpet on my account," Essex went on. "I just came by to let you know that you win."
"Really?" Pietro asked. "You don't seem the kinda guy that just gives up when he has a clone army at his beck and call."
"You found out about that? Well, aren't you a smart boy."
Low Light and Ororo were the first adults to arrive, and more of the kids and the many guests made their way to the foyer. Low Light and Thorn drew their guns and started firing, and Ororo smashed at him with lightning. Remy charged a pair of cards and threw them. Every bullet hit Essex, but he just absorbed them. He lifted his right hand, and a bloodless slit opened. He turned his palm to the floor, and the bullets dropped out. The lightning didn't affect him at all. The cards blew a hole in his chest, but it quickly closed.
"It appears you all have the manners of your friend over there," Essex remarked, gesturing to Logan.
"If you've hurt either of them-" Ororo began.
"Hurt them? Oh heavens no. Remy will tell you I don't like getting my hands dirty- like that, anyway," Essex grinned.
Everybody in the room stared at Essex. Finally, Lifeline entered, holding the Professor in his arms.
"Why have you come here?" Xavier demanded.
"Just to let you know you've won," Essex sighed. "Why must I constantly repeat myself? Mesmero- I'm assuming dear Irene has already told you about Apocalypse- has snatched Plague before I could get to her. I'm surprised she didn't warn you about that."
"I saw her acceptance of his offer too late," she told him. "You know Apocalypse is somehow blocking me."
"Yes, well, what good are you then?"
"Good enough for you, for a time."
"For a time- which is why I haven't come for you. Or for you," Essex added, looking at Polaris, who was standing at the top of the stairs. She looked like she was about to faint. "I came for Plague, and when I found her gone, I decided to have a word with you all about the shape of things to come."
"So you can see into the future now?" Shipwreck asked scornfully.
"Hardly," Essex said disdainfully, looking at Shipwreck as if he were an insect. "I do, however, know En Sabah Nur intimately. I've served him for centuries."
"What?" Hawk asked. Centuries? No way.
"It's true," Essex told him. "I am like Mr. MacBride over there- I was once human, but my dormant X-Gene was artificially activated, and now here I am. That was, oh, a very long time ago."
"Why are you working against Apocalypse if you used to work for him?"
"It's simple. He wishes to destroy humanity to ensure that mutants are the only sentient race on the surface of the earth. I, however, know that mutants will eventually dominate, as Homo Sapien outlasted the Cro-Magnon Man. In the meantime, I wish to study the effects of gradual evolution, and watch the effects of a greater mutant population on humanity. Apocalypse will ruin all of that, and when I realized it, I began to work against him- in secret, of course. I have no wish to confront him directly."
"In other words, you're watching an experiment unfold naturally, and resisting Apocalypse's interference," Hank reasoned. "That's perverse, given the circumstances!"
"Perverse is merely a matter of opinion, Mr. McCoy."
"We aren't an experiment," Hawk growled.
"People are not your playthings," Xavier added.
"They aren't your playthings," Essex corrected. "I, by virtue of my perspective, am able to watch humanity grow and develop- and tinker with it, from time to time. For example- Mr. Summers, I confess I have a… personal interest in your family. I was able to predict your powers two generations before your birth."
"What?" Scott asked. "No way!"
"Believe me or not," Essex shrugged. "It is mere truth." He turned to leave.
"And what makes you think you can just walk out of here?" Low Light demanded.
"Because none of you can stop me, Mr. MacBride," he said simply.
"Wait!" Mole called. Essex turned to look at him with profound disinterest. "If you were after Plague, why did you attack us?"
"Well," Essex shrugged, "I didn't quite believe dear Irene when she said that Plague was in the sewers. I thought she might have joined your little commune like a few of the other Morlocks. But I confess I didn't need much reason to annihilate you. I've been meaning to correct my mistake for some time now."
"And what's that?" Hound Dog demanded.
"You, son. You and your brothers and sisters. Don't tell me you don't recognize your father." Essex shifted shape, becoming a little taller, much thinner, and much older, with a beard and glasses.
"No," Hepcat gasped. Many of the Eloi- the created ones- also gasped. The rest just stared in shock.
"Yes," Essex scowled in a higher, reedier voice. "Oh, don't look at me like that! I created you, and I decided to destroy you. You're lives were forfeit anyway the moment you rebelled against me and joined these… hippies."
"You trampled on our rights!" a voice from the crowd yelled.
"Shut up, Herbert," Essex groaned. "Another disappointment. I hoped splicing him with a goldfish might activate his latent X-Gene but no... ah, well. Children. I have had several, and not all of them have an active X-Gene." He looked directly at Scott. "But some do…"
"What's that supposed to mean?" Scott shouted.
"Maybe nothing," Essex smiled. "Maybe exactly what you fear it means. In any case, I really have to go- oh, two more things. General, when your return to your cesspit, you will find that Sabretooth has gone."
"The Joes would have notified us instantly," Hawk told him.
"Not if someone was jamming their signal," Essex smiled.
"Then they would have teleported here to tell us."
"Not if someone blocked that signal, too. I believe any attempts to teleport here would redirect them to Tahiti. They deserve a vacation, wouldn't you say? I'll terminate my signal the moment I leave these grounds. And the last thing- I will continue to seek out and destroy potential Horsemen. Don't get in my way, or the next time I visit, I won't be so nice." He stepped out of the hole, and was gone.
"Anybody else find him awfully sinister?" Wanda asked. Several people nodded. Unbeknownst to them , Essex lingered a moment, and heard her.
"That's Mister Sinister to you, young lady," he smiled as he turned into a bird and flew away.
***
By the middle of the week, all of the Eloi and Morlocks were fully healed and ready to leave.
"Well, I hope you guys are able to get settled back in your homes pretty quickly," Ray told Reader.
"I don't know about that," Reader disagreed. "Some of us have been saying that they don't want to go live in our old homes. Too many memories, you know? I think Mole agrees. He's gonna ask the Joes if they know anyplace where we can get a fresh start."
"Are the Morlocks going with you?"
"No, I doubt it. They're pretty stubborn- they'll be going back to the sewers because they don't want to feel that the Marauders won."
"What about you?"
"We feel that what makes us Eloi isn't where we live, but how. It's the opposite for the Morlocks, I guess."
"Do you know how long you'll be looking?" Ray asked, concerned.
"Nope, but I do know that wherever we go, there we are. That's enough for me. It was good to meet you, Ray."
"You too, Reader."
"You can call me Roland, you know."
"It was good to meet you too, Roland," Ray smiled. They shook hands, and then hugged. Roland went off to join his friends.
"You reconsider what he said to you?" Lacey asked from behind him. Ray looked at her.
"I don't know," he said honestly. "But I have been thinking about it. I guess- well, it's possible- he might be right."
"Maybe," Lacey nodded. She decided not to say that Reader had never been wrong before. "Take care of yourself, kid."
"You too, Lacey."
***
"What do you see of the future, Destiny?" Xavier asked her. He and Hawk decided to have a private discussion with her.
"Many things, gentlemen," Irene told him. "And nothing that you need to know."
"You can't see anything we can use?" Hawk asked her.
"No, General- quite the opposite. I see too much that you can use. There is much that I can say, but if I do, you will try to intervene. In far too many futures, your intervention leads to disaster. Some things simply need to happen, and that is that. But I will say this: the time ahead will not be easy for any of us. There are great challenges to come, and there will be tragedy. But there will also be joys. The children- all of them- have the power to make a difference. Every single one of them has the potential for greatness. Some will fly higher than others, but for good and for evil they will all leave a mark upon the world. They will meet all of the expectations you hold- and they will surpass them. Regardless of what happens, you will be proud of them all."
"We already are, ma'am," Hawk said quietly.
"You haven't seen anything yet," Irene smiled, as she turned to leave. "I will be going home, now- please don't try to contact me. I will contact you when it is time- and it will be soon. We shall all meet again." She left the room.
"You're going to let her leave just like that?" Hawk asked. "I thought you'd try to talk her into staying."
"I tried, but she said it would be best for her to leave."
There was a knock at the open door. They turned, and saw Mole.
"Come in, Mole," Xavier said. "Is there a problem?"
"No, no problem," Mole told them. I'd just like to thank you both for everything you've done for us."
"It was our pleasure," Xavier smiled.
"Come on Mole," Hawk grinned. "No debts between friends, unless there's money involved. You need help fixing things up?"
"No," Mole said. "There was just one thing… do you know any other possible sites for us to live?"
"What?" Xavier and Hawk both asked.
"Most of my people think that there are too many memories in our old home for us to just go live there."
"I'll see what I can do, Mole," Hawk promised.
***
Shortly after everybody left, Elisabeth asked to speak to Professor Xavier. Alone.
She told him everything- about her nightmares, about Kwannon, about how she really discovered how to make her 'psychic knife,' as she had taken to calling it.
"I see," he said quietly. The theory about what happened- crazy though it was- had just been proven.
"Professor, the woman in white has to be Frost. I think she put something into my mind. That's why I'm better at fighting than I should be."
"Yes, I agree. I'm glad you came to me."
After Elisabeth left, Xavier called Logan in, and told him everything Elisabeth had said.
"Kwannon, huh?" Logan asked. "This is bad."
"You know her?"
"By reputation. She's supposed to be one of the very best."
***
Hawk was sitting at his desk. Duke walked in, carrying forms.
"Don't even think about giving me those," Hawk growled.
"The burdens of command," Duke quipped. "What's wrong?"
"Mole asked me if there was any place I knew for the Eloi to settle down."
"There are lots of empty places they can go."
"Yeah- too many, and too near civilisation. That's my problem."
"They can take care of themselves," Duke told him. "They have to."
"Yeah, and if Essex ever decides to pay them another visit?"
"They'll be ready for him."
"Somehow, I doubt it. I just wish I knew someplace as far from civilisation as you- can get…" Hawk looked at Duke, and then broke out in a smile. "That's it!"
"What's it?" Suddenly, the answer hit him. "No!"
"Oh yes!"
"They wouldn't take them!"
"Why not? They're friendly enough- and the Eloi can take over the mining- you know how they hate the mining!"
"They do, don't they? And there is that Cobra base still there. The Eloi could fix it up."
"Yes, they could. And they already live pretty close to the land, so that won't be a problem. Get a communicator- and don't say a thing until I know for sure! Somebody's bound to blab, and I don't want the Eloi getting their hopes up!"
"Yes, sir!" Duke grinned. The more he thought about it, the more he found that there was just…. something right about it.
***
"Well, we're back to normal," Xavier sighed, taking a drink. "It's been… an interesting couple of weeks."
"You're worried," Ororo said. All the X-Adults were in his den, precious alcohol in hand.
"I'm worried about Essex, and what Apocalypse is planning," Xavier admitted. "Add those to my worries about Magneto, and the growing anti-mutant movement, the fact that one of our students has a particularly deadly ninja assassin in her head, another is immortal, David will start manifesting his personalities sooner or later, we have a girl bearing a soul-crushing load of guilt, not to mention whatever Cobra does next, and whatever else life will send our way."
"At least the Misfits are out of our hair for now," Hank said.
"For now," Xavier reminded him. "Until their unofficial truce ends, at least."
"Come back here with my diary!" they heard Jean shout.
"Dear Diary," Bobby called mockingly. "Today, Scott kissed me for the first time. I wish I could say he tasted good, but his mouthwash is terrible!"
"I thought you like my mouthwash!" they heard Scott say.
"That's it!" Jean shouted. They heard a loud thump, and Bobby start moaning.
"Tabby!" Jean suddenly shouted.
"Dear Diary," Tabby started. "I finally got Scott to go to second base! He's even more repressed than I thought- I had to smear my nose with ice cream, and then start petting him when he started to wipe it off for him to get the idea!"
"I thought it was natural!" Scott said, hurt.
There was a bang.
"Ow!" Tabby called.
"Dear Diary," Rogue called. "It took some work, but Ah finally saw Scott naked! He's just as hung as Ah always dreamed he was!"
"Oh, lord," Xavier moaned.
"Okay," Rogue went on, "it's a bit of a turn-off that he sings the theme-song to 'Wishbone' in the shower, but Ah can deal."
"JEAN!" Scott shouted.
"Come back here, you-" Jean yelled, then the words were lost in the sounds of fighting.
"We don't hear you, we don't hear you," Hank chanted, like a mantra. "We don't hear you, we don't hear you…"
"And we worried the students wouldn't get back to normal," Ororo grumbled.
"We could always say that we're letting them handle this as a test of their maturity, right?" Logan asked.
"I'll drink to that!" Xavier groaned.
***
"Umm, Kitty, Kitty," Lance giggled in his sleep. "You're tickling me, hee hee hee… Kitty…"
"You've been a bad, bad boy. Go to my room!"
"In the mansion? Hee hee hee- why are you impersonating Pietro?"
"It isn't Pietro." Lance's eyes opened a crack.
"Are you surprised to see me?" the Coyote grinned.
Lance's scream woke half the base.
"COME BACK HERE!" Lance roared. He was running around with a mallet. "I'LL TEACH YOU TO GET INVOLVED IN MY DREAMS!"
"Somebody shoot him!" Low Light groaned.
"I knew it had been too long since he saw that crazy coyote," Shipwreck moaned. "I just knew it!"
"Ow!" Pietro yelled. Wanda smacked him upside the head. "What was that for?"
"For inspiring that stupid figment of his imagination!"
"Stupid? That coyote is an example of perfect behaviour! I'll show you something stupid!" He zipped into her room, and he returned with Mr. Stupid. "This is stupid!"
"Put him down!"
"Or what?"
"Or this!"
"OWW! OWW! OWW! Help me! My sister's gone crazier!"
"That's it," Cover Girl scowled. "We're putting these kids on Ritalin now!"
"WAAHHH!" the babies cried.
"Daddy's coming," Shipwreck moaned. "As soon as he takes his Prozac!"
"Roadblock? Roadblock?" Todd called, hopping up to Roadblock. "Lance is smashing the kitchen up!"
"Oh Lord let me sleep one night and not have it full of fight after fight!" Roadblock moaned.
"This sounds good!" Fred called. "Listen everybody!"
"NO, I WILL NOT TELL YOU WHAT KITTY LOOKS LIKE NAKED! I WILL NOT TELL YOU- HEY! TAKE THAT BACK! SHE IS NOT, YOU FILTHY DISGUSTING PERVERTED THING! DON'T REMIND ME THAT YOU'RE MY SUBCONSCIOUS- I CAN'T FORGET NO MATTER HOW MUCH I WANT TO!"
"What I wouldn't give to hear the other half of that conversation," Althea snickered.
"Shut up!" they heard Beach Head scream.
"You shut up!" Shipwreck yelled out the window. "Go back to telling your stupid teddy bear some bedtime stories!"
"You dare insult Sergeant Snuffles?"
"If I was insulting him, this is what I'd say- 'Hey Sergeant Snuffles, your owner is a crazy anal-retentive dope!'"
"DIE!" they heard Beach Head scream, and then heard the sound of many Joes trying to restrain him.
"Did you have to do that?" the Blind Master asked him.
"No- I just wanted to."
"Why me?" Hawk asked from the relative safety of his home. "What did I do to earn a base full of wackos?"
And in the spirit of the GI Joe Cartoons… here's a Public Service Announcement with Bree!
"I should go over there," Lifeline groaned as he searched for his clothes. "They're going to need a doctor by the time Beach Head gets to the house."
"Hold on!" Bree called.
"Bree!"
"Didn't anyone ever tell you that getting involved when somebody insults Sergeant Snuffles is very dangerous? It could lead to bruises, broken bones, and maybe even body bags. It's better to just let them hack it out on their own, and tend their wounds in the morning when they've all calmed down."
"Thanks Bree. Now I know."
"And knowing is half the battle!"
Well, that's it. The end. The last chapter. But don't worry- there's an epilogue!
Epilogue: Why Do the Bad Guys Always Come Back?