Part 12o – I Still Wanna Jump Your Bones, Or At Least Up And Down On Them In Stilettos.
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: Today we follow the male of the hybrid species as he attempts to earn mating points with a recently pissed off female. He has recently left his pack and gone out to arrange a mating with his female of choice by speaking to her life giver.
Having separated from the group (it's the trendy thing) Michael "Macho Man" Sa.. oops, Michael "Whipped Puppy" Guerin went to his girlfriend's house. Having bought her a present, (Hey, before you think it's sweet, remember this is MICHAEL GUERIN, so it's going to be a pathetic present) he went in the front door *gasp* after asking Amy if he could, and put the gift on Maria's bed. Taking a moment to drool, he quickly left after seeing Amy standing in the doorway with a rolled up newspaper… Guess he won't get to sniff any clothing today.
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The male humbles himself to the head female, the life giver, and lays a present for his hopeful mate upon her bedding. The male sees a chance to "sniff " and see if any competition had been there, as well as possibly marking the area with his own scent.
Pulling what is known as a "Mulder" and sleeping on his couch instead of his bed, Michael went to sleep… for a little while, until his small Pixie girlfriend stormed into home wielding the present he left for her.
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The male chooses to show his ruggedness by avoiding the soft bedding material and slumbering on the harsh material that stabs him in the back. Females have been known to find this appealing. It seems though that his female doesn't, as she storms in with the gift, the mating bribery, in hand.
"WHAT IN THE HELL IS THIS!?!" At the tone of Maria's voice, Michael, being a smart Alien quickly covered his crotch with a pillow (yeah, right, like that would offer ANY protection).
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The female loudly states her anger, momentarily frightening the male and causing him to protect his life giving member.
"Um, Maria that's a present for you." Obviously, Michael was dead. That was the wrong thing to say.
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The male, attempting still to gain mating favor explains to the female it is a mating bribe so they may coitally consummate their relationship and bring for a litter of offspring for a new generation.
"Gee really? DO YOU THINK YOU CAN RUN OUT ON US ALL AND THEN COME BACK WITH A PRESENT AND IT ALL BE OKAY?" Michael's radio suddenly kicked on and, again, Dylan was singing his classic song.
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The female of this species, like all females was irrational. This was made more so obvious when combined with factors of her recent menstruation, her obviously dull witted mate and her lack of mammary glands to nurture future generations.
Taking a deep breath, Dog Meat Michael prepared to try and explain. "It wasn't my fault, it was Kyle's lamebrain idea and he convinced Alex and Max went along to try and keep them out of trouble and they all laid a massive guilt trip on me… I mean, these are the only guys I socialize with and I didn't want to, pardon the pun, alienate them. So it was peer pressure. I didn't want to go at all, but with Max going I figured he'd need his second in command. And I mean we had a horrible time, I wished I was at home the entire time…" Taking a deep breath, casting his eyes downward Michael used the best "self preservation male manipulation tactic" known to existence… "I missed you a lot Maria, I didn't known I could miss you that much…"
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The male, sensing that he would never mate if he did not convince the female he was a worthy mate, quickly set forth on the ageless tactics of saving one's ass. First he cast blame upon others, saying he was a victim. Secondly, he said he had to go, for protection of the pack. Thirdly, he did not wish to lose face in front of his pack. Lastly, he used the best tactic that will forever break down females of any species. He showed himself to be slightly vulnerable and in love, the female, unaware that this was a tactic so he might be able to mate with her or to at least merely survive, will succumb to his nature.
"Really?"
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The female is unsure, but her attack is severely weakened though his use of the tactics.
"Yes."
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The male speaks little, reassuring the female of his true intentions by not trying to overstate.
"Oh Michael," Maria hugs him as he's lying on the couch and gives him a kiss. "You're still in trouble, but I missed you."
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The female attacks the male, attempting to crush him with her grip. Upon finding out she was weaker than he, she shifts it to look like she is embracing the male. The male, being stupid and now thinking with his life giving member he embraces back. Attempting to smother him with her lips she again sees the futility of this action and instead initiates part of a pre-mating ritual which he returns in kind.
"I missed you too." Michael held her close and they cuddled for awhile.
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The male, sensing no mating shall occur simply holds the female and memorizes her body and smell, so later when he is keeping his life giving member in working order he can be sure of it's full functionality.
"Michael, I have to now, I'm having a friend over at the house tonight. So I'll see you tomorrow." With a quick kiss Maria was gone before Michael could reply.
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The female rushes off to meet with her pack mates, to discuss her male and his actions. The pack shall of course harm the males for their leaving. But that is for another time. With the female gone the male drifts off to slumber after an hour or more of thinking of the body he held close. Through our remarkable technology we are able to see what the male does dream, here is a glimpse for next weeks installment.
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The male dreams of the female and him involved in a pre-mating ritual, when suddenly the female is replaced in his mind with that of his pack mate identified as subject "K.V.", the dream becomes erratic as the male repeatedly attempts to get with his female, but males in outfits of authority , Native American culture and work constantly interfere. Forced to dance naked with males of a different pack our male awakened sweaty and scared.
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: This is all for this weeks episode of "The Mating Habits Of The Earthbound Ignorant Males/Hybrids".
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: Today we follow the male of the hybrid species as he attempts to earn mating points with a recently pissed off female. He has recently left his pack and gone out to arrange a mating with his female of choice by speaking to her life giver.
Having separated from the group (it's the trendy thing) Michael "Macho Man" Sa.. oops, Michael "Whipped Puppy" Guerin went to his girlfriend's house. Having bought her a present, (Hey, before you think it's sweet, remember this is MICHAEL GUERIN, so it's going to be a pathetic present) he went in the front door *gasp* after asking Amy if he could, and put the gift on Maria's bed. Taking a moment to drool, he quickly left after seeing Amy standing in the doorway with a rolled up newspaper… Guess he won't get to sniff any clothing today.
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The male humbles himself to the head female, the life giver, and lays a present for his hopeful mate upon her bedding. The male sees a chance to "sniff " and see if any competition had been there, as well as possibly marking the area with his own scent.
Pulling what is known as a "Mulder" and sleeping on his couch instead of his bed, Michael went to sleep… for a little while, until his small Pixie girlfriend stormed into home wielding the present he left for her.
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The male chooses to show his ruggedness by avoiding the soft bedding material and slumbering on the harsh material that stabs him in the back. Females have been known to find this appealing. It seems though that his female doesn't, as she storms in with the gift, the mating bribery, in hand.
"WHAT IN THE HELL IS THIS!?!" At the tone of Maria's voice, Michael, being a smart Alien quickly covered his crotch with a pillow (yeah, right, like that would offer ANY protection).
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The female loudly states her anger, momentarily frightening the male and causing him to protect his life giving member.
"Um, Maria that's a present for you." Obviously, Michael was dead. That was the wrong thing to say.
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The male, attempting still to gain mating favor explains to the female it is a mating bribe so they may coitally consummate their relationship and bring for a litter of offspring for a new generation.
"Gee really? DO YOU THINK YOU CAN RUN OUT ON US ALL AND THEN COME BACK WITH A PRESENT AND IT ALL BE OKAY?" Michael's radio suddenly kicked on and, again, Dylan was singing his classic song.
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The female of this species, like all females was irrational. This was made more so obvious when combined with factors of her recent menstruation, her obviously dull witted mate and her lack of mammary glands to nurture future generations.
Taking a deep breath, Dog Meat Michael prepared to try and explain. "It wasn't my fault, it was Kyle's lamebrain idea and he convinced Alex and Max went along to try and keep them out of trouble and they all laid a massive guilt trip on me… I mean, these are the only guys I socialize with and I didn't want to, pardon the pun, alienate them. So it was peer pressure. I didn't want to go at all, but with Max going I figured he'd need his second in command. And I mean we had a horrible time, I wished I was at home the entire time…" Taking a deep breath, casting his eyes downward Michael used the best "self preservation male manipulation tactic" known to existence… "I missed you a lot Maria, I didn't known I could miss you that much…"
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The male, sensing that he would never mate if he did not convince the female he was a worthy mate, quickly set forth on the ageless tactics of saving one's ass. First he cast blame upon others, saying he was a victim. Secondly, he said he had to go, for protection of the pack. Thirdly, he did not wish to lose face in front of his pack. Lastly, he used the best tactic that will forever break down females of any species. He showed himself to be slightly vulnerable and in love, the female, unaware that this was a tactic so he might be able to mate with her or to at least merely survive, will succumb to his nature.
"Really?"
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The female is unsure, but her attack is severely weakened though his use of the tactics.
"Yes."
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The male speaks little, reassuring the female of his true intentions by not trying to overstate.
"Oh Michael," Maria hugs him as he's lying on the couch and gives him a kiss. "You're still in trouble, but I missed you."
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The female attacks the male, attempting to crush him with her grip. Upon finding out she was weaker than he, she shifts it to look like she is embracing the male. The male, being stupid and now thinking with his life giving member he embraces back. Attempting to smother him with her lips she again sees the futility of this action and instead initiates part of a pre-mating ritual which he returns in kind.
"I missed you too." Michael held her close and they cuddled for awhile.
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The male, sensing no mating shall occur simply holds the female and memorizes her body and smell, so later when he is keeping his life giving member in working order he can be sure of it's full functionality.
"Michael, I have to now, I'm having a friend over at the house tonight. So I'll see you tomorrow." With a quick kiss Maria was gone before Michael could reply.
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The female rushes off to meet with her pack mates, to discuss her male and his actions. The pack shall of course harm the males for their leaving. But that is for another time. With the female gone the male drifts off to slumber after an hour or more of thinking of the body he held close. Through our remarkable technology we are able to see what the male does dream, here is a glimpse for next weeks installment.
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: The male dreams of the female and him involved in a pre-mating ritual, when suddenly the female is replaced in his mind with that of his pack mate identified as subject "K.V.", the dream becomes erratic as the male repeatedly attempts to get with his female, but males in outfits of authority , Native American culture and work constantly interfere. Forced to dance naked with males of a different pack our male awakened sweaty and scared.
Wild Life Announcer Voice Over: This is all for this weeks episode of "The Mating Habits Of The Earthbound Ignorant Males/Hybrids".