Disclaimer: These are not my characters and never will be. They belong to
whoever owns Gundam Wing. Let this transgression go unnoticed by them too.
(This is a depressing, hug-hug, yaoi fanfic. Homophobic people beware because I seek your downfall.) ((I tried not to kill anyone honestly but the temptation was too great. Forgive the murderer, moi, but oh well I hope I make you laugh and cry. )) (((oh, I forgot to mention that I was in a umm bad, philosophical mood and I couldn't help the corny lines and big emotional scenes)))
-------------------------------- "We All Fall Down" -----------------------
The alarm rang suddenly and he jerked up on one elbow quickly staring wildly around him. Realizing it was only the clock he pushed his bangs out of his pale blue eyes and tried to smack the clock off. He missed, knocking his book onto the floor and startling himself even more. He groggily sat the rest of the way up and glared at the offensive clock before poking it off with a shaking finger.
He roughly rubbed his dark-ringed eyes as he tried to banish the last fragments of his nightmares. He snarled as one of the many disturbing images surfaced instead of fading. Running a shaky hand through his hair he tried to focus on what to do that day, but he felt too tired to do anything.
Sluggishly he flung himself back onto the bed and curled up under the overstuffed comforter around a worn bear that he absently stroked as he fell asleep again. Soon his heavy breathing filled the room as sunlight began to filter in through the half closed curtains.
***
After a while the door was opened quietly and a brown head poked itself in. Emerald green eyes darted around before noticing the lump under the comforter. Confusion and worry crossed the normally placid face as the figure moved into the room, slippered feet making no noise, and went to the bed. Slowly he sat down on the edge and pulled the cover back carefully.
Watching the sleeping figure breath steadily, he gently he brushed his finger-tips along the blondes cheek and leaned forward to place a small kiss on the pale cheek when a tear rolled down it. He stared as the tear moved its way down to the unusually pale lips that quivered slightly.
Quietly his murmured, "Quatre, wake up now."
The curled boy didn't move and the other slowly laid down beside him. He wrapped his arms carefully around him and the bear to wait for him to wake.
***
Hours later the blonde stirred slightly and woke suddenly when he couldn't roll over. After a moment he realized he was being held by someone and Quatre calmed down a little. He relaxed his grip on his bear and was about to yawn when he heard the other figure mummer, "Morning, sleeping beauty."
Quatre smiled and snuggled closer to him whispering, "Hello, Trowa. I missed you."
"How do you feel today?" he asked giving him a little kiss on the back of his neck.
"I am still exhausted. Can't get enough sleep and all the food is flavorless," Quatre muttered and sighed deeply.(1)
"Don't worry. I am always here even if you can't tell, lovely one. No more missions for awhile," he murmured smiling as he stroked Quatre's arms. "I have something for you."
'What is it?" he said trying to roll over but Trowa arms held him firmly in place. He felt him reaching into his pocket to pull whatever it was out.
Trowa reached his arm over Quatre and slide a silver and gold ring over his finger. Quatre gazed in wonder at the ring that was shaped like a silver vine bearing six golden roses.
"Ring around the rosy," Trowa whispered before kissing the back of his head and inhaling the scent of myrrh and the desert.
"Pocket full of poises. It is beautiful. Hug me closer, please," he whispered.
Trowa pulled him closer, "Of course, I promise to hug you whenever you wish. We have all the time to do this."
"...all the time..." Quatre stopped smiling and turned his face into his bear to hide his watering eyes.
Trowa hugged him tighter and nuzzled his neck murmuring, "Please, tell me what is on your mind, Quatre."
He didn't answer him, and after a few minutes of silence Trowa realized Quatre had fallen asleep again. He carefully let him go and slipped out of bed. Gently he pulled the cover up to his chin and smoothed it over with a long, slight movement of his hand.
He stood looking down on him and noted that Quatre had not undressed except to remove his shoes. Glancing around he saw the remains of Quatre's dinner, barely touched, on the desk. Trowa had brought it to him when he didn't come down to join everyone in the hall the other night. This meant Quatre hadn't eaten since lunch two days ago. Trowa picked it up and carried the tray downstairs as he went to get a late breakfast. His stomach threatened to growl loud enough to wake the sleeping boy.
***
While entering the kitchen Wufei ran into him and almost knocked the laded tray out of Trowa's hands. Wufei noticed the amount of old food still on the dishes and was about to comment but Trowa quickly brushed past him.
Wufei went into the living room where he knew he'd find Duo on the game-system playing solider even on his off-time. Hiro was no where in sight and he figured he was out adjusting Wing Zero or hiding from Duo again somewhere in the mansion. Duo always seems to find Hiro despite the hundred something rooms to hide in. Wufei smirked about that thought.
Sitting down next to the braided pilot, Wufei asked, "Duo, do you know why it is happening so fast with Quatre?"
Duo blasted a few more monsters before replying, "Hiro said he thinks too much and it is causing it to happen faster than it should. Also, that we won't get it since it is genetic. "
Wufei blinked hard and said, "He said that much?"
Duo chuckled, "Yes, over a one month period." Blasting some robots with hammers he continued, "Trowa seems to be taking it hard and I'd hate to see what he'd do if Quatre went suddenly."
Straightening his sleeves Wufei stood up to look in on Trowa in the kitchen. He called over his shoulder with dead seriousness, "I'll be back to defeat you and avenge my honor."
"Fetch us some cokes, Woofy. I guess ten minutes is too long for you to sit quietly defeated, and don't worry, I'll whip your butt again," Duo laughed loudly but when he cut off a little short, Wufei realized Duo was thinking of the other two still.
As he was walking into the large kitchen he heard a plate break and then shatter loudly on the floor. He saw Trowa standing there looking blankly at the broken china and clutching his right fist to his chest. Small rivets of blood flowed down his arm and his green shirt darkened as the dish-towel wrapped around his hand turned a bright red. His breathing was a little uneven and his lip trembled slightly.
"Trowa, what happened?" he asked slowly as he approached the dazed pilot.
Trowa blinked and looked up at Wufei before answering in a shaky voice, "I'm not sure... I was thinking about him and.... I don't know..."
"Give me your hand, Trowa. I have to see how bad it is." Wufei gently pried the stiff fingers open and unwrapped the towel. The cut was deep but no major veins were hit. The blood flow had just about stopped.
A wide-eyed Duo rushed in as Wufei was pulling the first-aid box out of the drawer. Looking at the floor and then Trowa's blank face he said nothing as he went into the closet. Duo pulled the broom and dustpan out and began cleaning the shattered plate up.
Just as they finished Quatre came in slowly rubbing a half open eye. He looked at the three of them staring at him and saw with a shiver the fresh bandage on Trowa's fist and the blood on his shirt. His blue eyes opened wider and he looked as if he was going to faint, but he steadied himself on the counter next to him.
"Quatre, it's only a small cut I got on the broken plate," Trowa said in a calming tone as he approached him.
Quatre visibly relaxed and leaned against him as Trowa hugged him. His nose twitched slightly as the smell of Trowa's blood reached him and he leaned a little harder against him as if to smother the scent.
Duo and Wufei exchanged glances and slipped down the back hall with their cokes.
Trowa nuzzled Quatre's ear and asked, "Would you care to go for a walk outside after I change my shirt and we eat?"
Quatre nodded against his shoulder and stood on his toes to kiss Trowa tenderly. For a while they both just stood there like that before a oil smudged Hiro walked in.
He glanced at the two before going to the fridge and pulling out three bottles and a bucket of Duo's chicken. He grumbled something like a hello and went out the back hall.
Trowa smiled and let Quatre go as he went to the cupboard. He leaned over to pull a picnic basket out saying, 'I think it will be nicer to eat outside. Don't you agree?"
Quatre's eyes brightened and he smiled slightly as he opened a door and disappeared down into the cellar. After a few minutes he emerged with a dusty bottle and cobwebs in his hair which he was trying unsuccessfully to remove.
"Do you want turkey or ham on your sandwhi-.." Trowa was asking when he saw Quatre's disheveled look and he burst out laughing as the blonde approached.
"Turkey would be great. How does 1823 strawberry wine sound, my love?" Quatre asked as he pecked a kiss on his cheek.
"Wonderful," Trowa mumbled into Quatre's hair as they embraced again. He smiled and thought of how some color was returning to Quatre's face.
***
In the back rec. room, Duo jumped around the pool table giggling, "I won. I won! You lost again, Woofy the Loser!"
"I didn't lose. I let you win because you'd carry on if I didn't and send Hiro after me," Wufei growled and sat back glaring at the bouncing braided pilot pondering on the perfect revenge.
Hiro chuckled as he picked up his pole to play in the next game. His dark eyes gleamed as he powdered his hands.
"I am the undefeatable Duo! None can triumph over me! All shall bow to me, Shinigami of the Pool Room! Bow, I say, weakli-" Duo was shouting as he danced around the room before being interrupted.
Hiro had grabbed his braid and shut him up with a brutal kiss, muttering, "Not for long, baka."
Wufei laughed and cheered Hiro on when the game began.
An hour later steaming Hiro left the room glaring with a triumphant Duo giggling behind him and a wounded Wufei crying he shall revenge his honor somehow.
***
Deep in the large garden surrounded by tall trees, Trowa and Quatre were finishing their long lunch next to a tall, stone fountain. Calmly Quatre laid down with his head in Trowa's lap and stared contentedly at the tiny rainbows dancing in the fine spray. Fingering the ring of roses as he thought of how much he loved just being here with Trowa and wished he wasn't so tired. Quatre wanted to enjoy the moment more than the past and what was left of the future.
"Trowa?" he drowsily murmured.
"Yes?" he leaned over to look at his face.
"Will you be here when I wake?" he asked trying to keep his eyes open.
"Of course, my beauty," Trowa picked up Quatre's hand and kissed the ring, "You will wake."
"I promise to wake, my love," Quatre kissed the palm of Trowa's hand and snuggled closer to him.
The weeping willow whispered its secrets as Trowa ran his fingers through the blonde's hair and thought about how tired and happy Quatre looked. He smiled slightly as he saw the blonde begin to nod off again. It was an effort for him to stay awake through the meal and Trowa was well aware of how precious this all was. Time was fading and so was his love. If only.... if only there was a way to change it all... if only...
Quatre felt a cold droplet hit his face and thought as he continued to fall asleep that there were no clouds in the sky when he last looked. A small part of him realized it was Trowa's tear as his eyes closed. Don't cry. That will only make it harder to say farewell... in a few days. I'll tell him again when I wake how much I love him. I will...
***
It was the cold that woke him first, but after starting blankly at a gray sky Quatre noticed that he was alone laying on his side. His chest hurt as sat up. He tried to yawn but breathed in a lung full of ash and coughed harshly till he could breathe somewhat again. His face was wet with tears and his throat felt like it was on fire.
Something else was nagging at him as he looked around. With a shock he realized everything was gray and all noise was muffled. The fountain's water moved slowly with a mournful mumble that was barely audible above the constant winds.
The grass was so dry that it was crumbling away into dust. The trees... all the tall, beautiful trees were but skeletons of dry wood. The mansion could be seen through their spidery branches. His beautiful home that thrived here in the middle of the desert is leveled. The last birthday gift his father gave him long ago. Quatre let out a wailing cry before sinking to his knees. He saw only a ruined mound of shattered stone and splintered wood where his home should be.
He shook his head violently and pounded the ground suddenly shouting, "This can't be! No, it was there just a moment ago... just a moment ago I was with Trowa... where is Trowa?... TROWA!!!"
Quatre relaxed and balled his fists a few times in the ash before he closed his right hand on something. A piece of paper. Opening it he found a note Trowa's handwriting:
My Quatre,
I'll be back soon. The rest of us have a mission an hour away. Didn't want to wake you, sleeping beauty.
Love,
Trowa PS And yes, I will keep an eye on Duo and the others.
He calmed down a little but was still confused. The paper looked old and worn like it had been laying there a long time. The edges were flaking away and the creases where it was folded were gray. He put it carefully in his pocket.
Staring around he saw that through the trees he could see a large pile of twisted metal and rubble where the large garage for the gundams was suppose to be.
Stumbling he ran toward it over the remains of the garden walls and the sidewalks. In a black and white pile of metal he saw half of Duo's scythe and part Hiro's wing. He climbed deeper into the mass and tripped on the trident to Shenlong, bent at an odd angle. He couldn't find any sign of Trowa's gundam, Heavyarms. In a daze he noticed that his gundam wasn't there either.
Slowly he scrambled toward the mansion's remains hoping to find some clue as to where everyone is. Three of the four corners to the main hall still stood as tall of at least half of their original height. All of the chimneys had collapsed along with the whole second floor. No one could of survived that.
Quatre smirked a little as he thought the arguments everyone had over servants in the household. He'd never heard Hiro say so much in one night and chew Duo out so much. Duo wanted a few servants to fetch his snacks whenever he wanted them and Hiro didn't want such potential spies around him. Hiro won and everyone was disappointed.
Babbling to himself trying to not think of the possibility that the enemy- had found them finally and executed them. Eventually his thoughts did come to this point and he collapsed to his knees crying in the spot where his room once was. Through his blurry tears he saw the bear that he had held that morning. That was the first gift Trowa had given him. Quatre picked it up and clutched it to his chest sobbing louder.
The thin air burned in his lungs and his weariness overcame him. Quatre collapsed to the ground wrapped around his bear once again wondering where Trowa was. Hoping he was alive.
***
"Ring around the rosy
Pocket full of poises
Ashes, ashes
We all fall down"
Over and over he heard the chant sang by small voices and the patter of feet nearby. He opened his sore eyes slowly and tried to move but stopped. His whole body was frozen with pain. He gritted his teeth and hissed.
He kept thinking not again. This will pass as it always does. It has never lasted this long but the pain does last longer each time it comes. Where are the pain killers when you really need them?
After a while he realized the chanting of the children had stopped. Children indeed, there were surrounding him where he lay. Six little girls with light brown hair in white dresses but no shoes. Their bare white feet were not covered in ash and grime as his were. He stared at their angelic faces and realized they all had green eyes like Trowa. Such an innocent and lost green.
"Innocent, no," one said to his left.
"Lost, yes," continued another girl at his feet.
"What happened?" he demanded and hissed as another wave of pain passed over him.
"Did you know?" one to Quatre's right began.
"That he would do it?" one more at his head asked.
"The others knew," couldn't tell which one spoke this time.
"You shouldn't of left him so soon."
"You left too soon."
"He lost it."
"You promised.''
"That you would wake."
"He stayed there."
"Waiting so long."
"So long for you to wake."
"He promised to stay."
"Stay he did."
"They dragged him away."
"He came back."
One of the girls leaned close to Quatre's face and asked in a mad tone, "Why did you die? He is lost now. Lost in your death. We are all lost."
"Lost
We are all lost
Lost in your death
He is lost now."
They all picked up the chant and began to dance around him except for the one who leaned over him. She stared with his eyes at him and Quatre couldn't help but laugh at her disturbing resemblance to Trowa. He laughed and laughed till the tears rolled down his cheeks. His laughter had a fraying edge to it.
They all hushed and stood still as the one who leaned stared in horror at him. No one spoke.
Quatre finally was able to sit up. His chest still hurt as he breathed. He glanced at all their horrified faces and began to feel scared.
Finally the one who had leaned over him spoke, "There is no laughing here."
They began their talk again in their sweet but questioning voices, "Don't you know?"
"You don't laugh here."
"It is forbidden."
"He never spoke."
"Or laughed."
"He knew it before he came."
"But not the others."
"Yes, they fought."
"Especially the braided one."
"He loved to laugh."
"You know."
"They all died."
"Even here."
"In hell."
"Where everyone is already dead."
"When they came."
"They died again."
"They don't know how."
"To live as we do."
"They refuse."
"So they die."
"He never tried."
"To live."
"He just lies there dead."
"Yes, very dead."
"You live here though."
"Why?" the one who was leaning demanded, "They lay in their graves and you walk as if you live. You let yourself die and killed everyone doing so. Now you walk as if you live, why?"
Quatre wanted to smack her. He wanted to hit all of them. He would never kill them. He would never kill his Trowa. No, they lie about everything. No sign of Trowa was found in that rumble. He could be alive. Yes, he is alive.
Quatre glared at all of them but one line they had said came back to him:
' "You promised.''
"That you would wake." '
"I woke up, damn you. I am awake. He is alive," he shouted at them.
"You woke up in hell," the one who had leaned over him replied as she stepped back in line and they began to dance again singing:
"Ring around the rosy
Pocket full of poises
Ashes, ashes
We all fall down"
Slowly they began to fade with only their voices remaining. On and on they sang till Quatre crouched covering his ears with his fists. Finally their voices began to fade and when the last words he heard ' ashes, ashes' disappeared, he took his fists away from his ears.
"We all fall down!" was suddenly whispered loudly in his ears. Quatre flung himself away from the spot he was crouching at and stared wildly about. There was no sign of the girls with the eyes like Trowa's.
Quatre's mind remained blank till the wind nipped at him and he started thinking of what they said. as he stroked the bear. He absently picked the dirt out of its fur.
"They said this was hell and that they all were dead here. Then that means I can still find them. I can find him," Quatre muttered to himself. His eyes were feverish and he was shaking. He realized he was freezing and that his fingers had turned blue.
Slowly he dug around in the rubble till he found something to wrap up in. I was one of Trowa's winter turtle-necks. A dark green in all this gray, he pulled it over his head and felt better at once. He sighed and smelled Trowa suddenly. He looked up and saw only the bleak landscape around him still. He inhaled and smelt the sandalwood and musk that he knew so dearly to be the scent of Trowa. The shirt still smelt of him. Quatre hugged himself and tried to remember the feeling of being in Trowa's arms as he closed his eyes.
Gradually he began to feel warm and pretended for a moment that he was with him again and they were on his balcony looking at the sunrise. That they were wrapped up together in his overstuffed comforter enjoying the warmth of each other. Quatre could feel Trowa's hand rubbing his back and feel him kiss the top of his head like he does all the time.
"Don't worry. I am always here even if you can't tell, lovely one," Trowa murmured.
Quatre opened his eyes wide hoping to find him standing there next to him but only frigid gusts welcomed his eyes. The warmth diminished but he wasn't freezing again though.
He picked up the bear and began to wander toward the water for a reason he couldn't explain to himself when he began to wonder why. He felt that something was waiting for him there. A quarter a mile away lays the beach that he felt he had to go to. He walked that distance many times with Trowa on cold days when no sun was visible and they could hold onto each other the whole way.
Now the way was lonely with no birds singing around this rare oasis that fell into the sea. Already he cold smell the salty tang but it too was subdued and its normally calm breezes were sharp gusts that tore at him.
The scarce grass was turning to dust here too as he stepped on their crumbling stems. The crackling noise they made with each step was the only accompanying sound beside the wind as he saw the first flicker of foamy waves.
No sun shone through the thick cloud yet the foam glowed faintly as it reached the slightly darker sand. Quatre couldn't see through the waves and the water was moving against the gusts that it normally followed. In the deeper water beyond the waves, he could see the swirl of a large, pale creature swimming back and forth. After staring at the thing he realized that it wasn't one large creature but numerous bodies trying frantically to get to the shore. A few had reached the waves where they were plummeted in the surf repeatedly until white pieces could be seen floating back out into the deep. The other bodies in beyond the waves ignored the pieces as they continued to struggle toward the waves.
The colorless beach was absent of any parts of these damned beings as the waves slammed down. Nothing to show that they weren't just figments of his dreams manifesting themselves.
One face became devastatingly clear in the midst of a massive wave. Emerald green eyes pleading in a familiar face distorted in a silent scream caught Quatre's eye. He cried out and was about to dive into the dark water when a well-known voice stopped him.
"I wouldn't do that!" it cried.
Quatre whirled around quickly and found Milliardo standing on the remains of the path that he had just left. His red coat had only a slight touch of gray to it and the gold embellishes were just beginning to turn silver. His pale blonde hair was faintly streaked with silver also as it fluttered in a strong gust.
As if reading Quatre's mind, Milliardo answered him, "Oh that, everything tends to lose its color here but I see you are doing quiet well."
"Why can't I go into the water?" Quatre cried out, "Trowa is out there I saw him there." He pointed to the spot where he saw his face and stared in increasing horror as pale pieces began to float to the surface. "No, he was just there. No!" he cried as he sank to his knees staring at the parts.
"It wasn't him, Quatre," Milliardo began in a pacifying tone, "What you see are those who are damned to the sea with land just out of reach. They'll never touch this shore."
"But it looked so much like him... just like him," he whimpered as he watched the waves.
"The face you saw was what they saw in your mind," he continued, "They can rationalize to a point and they understood that you would try to rescue one if it looked like him."
"Why aren't you in there with them?" Quatre asked looking at him again.
"Not everyone is damned to the same fate," he answered staring at the struggling mass sadly.
"What do you mean damned? This can't be hell. It's too..... too-." he stopped and stared despairingly at him as he clutched the worn bear close. He suddenly saw that the bear still retained all its color. No gray had touched its chestnut brown fur and blue ribbon.
"It is part of you. As long as you retain your will, you shall remain unchanged and so will the bear," Milliardo replied folding his arms, frowning slightly as another body went under the waves. His long hair waving in the wind as his blue eyes followed the white body's pieces float away.
"The gray has touched you," Quatre pointed out.
He sighed and looked at Quatre's face, "I am tiring. I have been here a long time and so have you. But unlike you, I have been awake. Trying to discover where the world went so wrong."
After no continuation, Quatre asked quietly, "What do you mean by wrong?"
"The world is dead, Quatre," Milliardo whispered, looking at the sea again. "You were just the first of the peace-keepers to die. Someone killed every pacifist that was in power. No one was left... who could stay man's downfall. That person wanted the world dead and he succeeded. What you see now is almost a perfect reflection of the wasteland of real life." His eyes stung with unshed tears as he stared at those he wished he could save in the raging surf. His hair went limp as he continued, "Even the colonies fell like burning stars to mother earth. No one survived. I know. I was in the last ship that was in space. I saw it all and died when my ship fell burning." His shoulders drooped slightly as he remembered all those people he had caused to die. Milliardo wondered how many came here after they died. He couldn't understand how even the children were here, all suffering some form of damnation. "Everyone is dead..."
Quatre stared at him, trying to let it all sink in.
Milliardo shook his head and abruptly asked, "Are you looking for him?"
"I think so but I still don't understand why I am here?" Quatre wondered aloud, "Is this my punishment? It feels so... so pointless."
"I felt the same. For a while I was just numb. I didn't really sink in just what my punishment was till I tried to change what is around me," Milliardo began, looking at him pitiably, "Quatre, I can't even make a leaf of grass bend. Nothing is affected by me. I am used to changing what I see as wrong and here that is impossible."
"You stopped me from jumping in. You did something," Quatre said quickly.
"You don't understand," he cried, hair flaring as a gust blew. He glanced at the sea again before continuing, "If you had gone in you would of become consumed with the desire to get ashore and would of forgotten what could truly torment you."
"What is that?" he asked him as he stood up trying to avoid touching the dark water.
No answer. Quatre glanced up at him and realized that Milliardo looked like he was going to cry. His eyes were red and his lips were but pale lines quivering in that beautiful face. His hair had gone limp again. Milliardo was clutching his sides as if trying to hold in a scream or refrain from collapsing.
He had turned a little grayer.
Milliardo's bottom lip trembled as he replied in a restrained voice, "I don't know whether or not to wish you luck in finding him. I'm not going to tell you why that would be too much. I caused far too many people to suffer and to tell you would cause you so much pain." He bite his lip. "I just can't stand seeing so much pain." He was staring at the striving damned in the waves again.
Quatre saw the red lose some more of it's luster as Milliardo's blonde hair became streaked with more silver. He was crying. Quatre had never seen this man cry before and the sight of it tore at him so deeply that he thought he was dying.
"No, you mustn't think that," Milliardo hissed suddenly. "You must never think of dying. Only concentrate on getting out of here. Don't let the misery get to you. Promise me this? Give me this much too hold onto before I too lose it here," he was begging and the tears were falling even faster.
"I will find him and leave this place. I promise that much," Quatre swore hastily. He could see the far off hills through Milliardo who was faltering and losing his color even faster. "No, don't go. Milliardo don't give up. I will go back and stop all of this. I swear I will!"
Milliardo was gone.
Quatre gazed in terror at the vacant spot where moments ago had stood one who had so much strength and hope. Now he was lost also.
The muted sound of the waves rose in volume as Quatre sank to his knees again. He absently thought that he seemed to do that a lot now. Always on his knees. Should he pray? For what? If this was hell, then he was beyond prayers, right? He closed his eyes and fell over unconscious into the sand barely out of reach of the greedy waves. (2)
***
"Why do you always sleep?" a child whispered.
"The dead don't sleep." another hissed.
"You should know that by now." both of them growled in their small voices.
The patter of feet and the sound of children singing flooded his ears:
"Ring around the rosy
Pocket full of poises
Ashes, ashes
We all fall down"
Quatre flung an arm up as if to ward off the noise and he rolled over on his back shouting at them, "No, go away."
"Away to where, we wonder," they sang in unison before he sank back into oblivion.
***
A beam of light pierced his groggy mind and he slowly rose up on one elbow covering his eyes with his other hand. The beam bounced a little as if seeking his attention as he turned his head away from it. When he finally looked straight at its source he saw one of the girls from earlier. She looked stretched as if she were reflected in a distorted mirror. She smiled brightly and waited for him to stand up before beckoning him to come.
Absently stroking the bear's head as he followed her down the beach, Quatre watched the sea-bound creatures take on the faces of every person he had ever cared about: the mother he never got to know, his sister, old teachers, Rashid, his father, the other pilots, and Trowa again. Disturbing. He felt tempted to go after them but thought suddenly of the girl and quickly averted his eyes away.
He was concentrating on the bounce of the girls hair as she walked to block out thoughts of the hideous sea. Strange how her color was so vibrant even though she still looked stretched. This wasn't the same girl from earlier, her hair had golden streaks and her dress was a pale pink.
For some time the traveled this way, she was leading and he was following her. Quatre was watching her every step so he could avoid thinking about the gray world he was in. At some point a little fleck of color flickered at the corner of his eye but he ignored it. Suddenly the speck was a familiar green figure in the distance. The distinct figure was walking away with a sad droop to his shoulders. It looked like Trowa.
As soon as this thought entered Quatre's mind, he started walking toward him. The figure in the distance started to run away.
"No! Trowa, it is me!" Quatre screamed and began to chase after him.
No matter how far he ran he wasn't getting any closer to him and every time Quatre saw his arm swing up to wave at him, he realized he was losing his color just as Milliardo did.
Quatre stopped and looked at her then back at the retreating figure. He suddenly felt that he wasn't going the right way and that the figure wasn't Trowa. Trowa would never run from him.
"That's not Trowa," he whispered and turned his back on the figure.
Suddenly Quatre was back in the garden and surrounded by the skeletons of trees once more. He saw the fountain he awoke at and that there was something there he hadn't seen before. A limp figure and a standing stone.
Quatre began to step forward, thinking this can't be. That can't be Trowa laying there on his left side. The closer he got the worse he felt. He knew it was Trowa. Trowa was dead.
He stared at him and slowly noticed an impression in the ashes next to him. Quatre realized that is where he woke up at and that he could see his footprints leading off to the distant rubble.
Quatre looked back at him and realized Trowa was curled around the bear. The same bear Quatre had been carrying around with him. He hugged it closer to himself and shook his head in denial till he saw a glitter of silver and gold in Trowa's left palm. The ring of roses surrounded by deep cuts from Trowa closing his fist tightly around it. Half-moon cuts with dried blood that pooled around that shining ring.
Abruptly Quatre stopped shaking his head. He looked at his hand and saw that the ring on his finger was a faint blur of gray. Quietly he said, "I am dead."
Carefully Quatre lowered himself next to Trowa and wrapped his arms around the stiff corpse. He kissed the hard, cold lips. So cold he thought and shivered as he remembered the frigid winds. He felt the cold once again.
"So you choose to be damned then," the gold-streaked girl whispered and began to fade as her image stretched even more. The last of the color drained from everything when she was finally gone. Quatre was a gray ghost now flicking as he started to fade slightly also.
Crying quietly he stroked Trowa's grief stricken face and stared at his cloudy eyes. He could barely tell they were emerald green. Gradually he noticed that Trowa had been staring fixedly at something as he died. Even in death he stared at it.
Quatre turned his head and saw his tombstone looming over him with his name inscribed, "Quatre Raberba Winner," followed by the date of his birth and death. This Quatre absorbed slowly and was about to turn away when he saw that another inscription was below the first one. It was polished smooth as if someone had ran their fingers over if very often. Only Trowa would of done that. The inscription read:
"I promise to wake, my love."
Quatre cried out and buried his head on Trowa's motionless shoulder sobbing.
"Don't worry. I am always here even if you can't tell, lovely one," he murmured smiling as he stroked Trowa's head and kissed his cold lips again. So cold. "Won't you come back? I woke up as I promised. Remember? Of course you remember other words you wouldn't be here. Hug me please, Trowa."
Nothing happened. He continued to sob and hugging him even tighter he wept, "You promised to hug me, Trowa. You promised to hug me whenever I wished. Hug me now, Trowa....
....please, hug me..."
Just as he said that everything turned black and shattered into countless glittering shards. Quatre was falling headfirst clinging to Trowa into the glistening void.
He saw the ring falling away and he snatched it. Quatre put it onto the finger Trowa had put it on earlier and hugged Trowa again as they continued to fall.
A gasping breath sounded in the silence, hissing between clinched teeth. It didn't echo.
Quatre was still crying as he spun farther into the darkness. He couldn't feel anything except for Trowa's hard body in his arms. Ashes stung his throat as he breathed and he could barely smell the familiar scent of Trowa, sandalwood and musk.
With a sudden thud, they both landed on a hill of sand. Quatre started rolling down its steep side clinging to Trowa still. The suns warmth could still be felt in the sand and the fragrance of the deep desert tickled his nose.
As they came to a halt at the hill's bottom, he saw the piercing stars in the sky. He couldn't remember seeing so many shining at once.
"Those are only the ones that have died already," said a monotone voice.
Turning his head several ways, Quatre finally saw a dim silhouette further up the hill. Slightly spiky hair topped him off. Hiro.
"You are here, too?" Quatre wondered out loud.
"We're not in hell if that's what you're saying." he replied coming closer. "You brought him with you. Why? He doesn't deserve it here."
"What do you mean he doesn't deserve it here?" Quatre demanded angrily, "Where is here?"
"Purgatory," he whispered. "Trowa is suppose to be in hell for what he did."
"Shouldn't you be there too," Quatre cried, "You have killed just as many or even more and you dare judge him."
Hiro glared at Trowa's motionless face and turned abruptly toward Quatre, growling, "I never killed the world."
Quatre was speechless and quickly he felt the anger rising in him. He couldn't believe Trowa would do that. He was a gundam pilot, a protector of the colonies and the world. It was Trowa who stopped him from destroying all the colonies. Trowa who drove him back to sanity with his sacrifice that he barely lived through. He saved Hiro when he did that.
"Only to kill us all later," Hiro muttered as he sat down still out of arms reach.
"Why would he do something like that, Hiro?" Quatre demanded stroking Trowa's hair absently.
Hiro snorted and said, "You died."
"I still don-" he started but Hiro cut him off.
"It is the tragic case of esteemed hero losing it when the loved one dies," Hiro said sharply, "One can see it in all cultures but unfortunately for us he destroyed the whole world when he tried to rejoin you."
"Why on such a scale then?" he asked, rubbing his ring.
"Maybe he hoped to kill God as he did it so he wouldn't be separated from you as punishment in the eternal."
Quatre shook his head violently, shouting through clenched teeth, "No! Trowa wouldn't do it. I just can't see him doing that to everyone just because I died. I refuse to."
The stiff body next to him shifted making Quatre jump suddenly. Dry, cold lips cracked open and whispered, "I did... it... I couldn't stand... to live without you... and.... everyone... to be so happy.." he gasped before continuing, "... so happy... when you were... dead.."
Tears spilled down Quatre's cheeks as he clung to Trowa, swaying both of them side to side, crying, "Please don't say that. Oh, please don't let it be true. Trowa, why didn't you trust me to return? I promised I would wake. I promised.."
The only part of Trowa that moved was his lips as he said, "I waited... so long... for you. So long and... and nothing happened. You stopped breathing..... Quatre, I cried and nothing happen... you were dead."
Quatre flung his head back and stared at the watching stars. Suddenly he screamed. On and on he screamed till his head spun.
"What do you scream for?" a calm voice asked curiously. Duo was here too. "I am not too sure he is listening much anymore. Considering every living thing he created in this world is dead. Ah, I see the damned is here too."
He stared at the braided pilot before noticing that Trowa was doing the same. Life and color was returning to his dead limbs and his cloudy eyes were clearing to reveal the emerald depths beneath. He placed a warming hand on Quatre's shoulder and meet Duo's level gaze.
"Pathetic that you two should choose now as a time to settle this, "Wufei shouted as he strode toward them. Everyone jumped a little at his sudden appearance. Reaching Duo, he continued, "I presume you want to be god of death again, don't you?"
"Where are you getting at?" Duo demanded narrowing his eyes.
"Do you really think all our gods or whoever you believe in would let one person end it all?" he asked looking at everyone in turn. "Maybe this is some sort of trial that we must overcome to get everything is back to normal."
"Should we try to find a way to reverse the end?" Duo wondered aloud as he sat down next to Hiro.
Quatre was trying to follow what they were saying but his chest felt heavy. He wanted to ask them a question that was nagging at him, but his breath was short. Finally he was able to say what had been at the edge of his tongue since the girls had left him, "Can we die after death?"
"What do you mean?" Wufei asked turning briskly toward him, "We are dead already. How can we die again?"
Quatre couldn't stay up and the pain was returning. He collapsed onto his side next to Trowa who put Quatre's head in his lap as he whispered loudly, "Six girls in white said all of you died when you went to hell."
"We did," Hiro replied coldly.
"Everyone who upheld an honorable cause died when they were sent to hell," Duo began, staring at the sand on the toe of his boot. "It could be called fate, I guess for our boldness in trying to play god. Some faded into nothingness while others went through their death again. Most never came back while some fled to another place, the void."
"Which some like to call purgatory," added Wufei.
Fighting for breath Quatre continued, "Is that how can you be here now? You fled your fate?"
"Yes," Hiro replied.
"And me? I only wanted to find Trowa," Quatre whispered faintly, "not to flee fate."
"Who said you were the one fleeing?" Duo said digging an angry toe in the sand.
He felt a droplet on his cheek; Trowa was crying. Quatre could see all the color had returned to Trowa's face and as he reached a hand up to touch his face, Quatre realized he could see through his gray hand. He didn't want to die. He couldn't remember dying the first time and he was terrified of the pain as it grew.
Trowa grasped Quatre's hand to the side of his face and let his tears touch Quatre's fading hand as he cried, "I never would of done it if I knew I would lose you a second time, my beauty."
Quatre tried to tell him that he wasn't dying, that it was just any other episode he had suffered but that beam of light had returned. He heard her voice singing a song,
"Ring around the rosy
Pocket full of poises
Ashes, ashes
We all fall down
Bring to me the lowly
Falling toward the holy
Ashes, ashes
We all go home"
Trowa was shaking him but all Quatre could think of was that was the verse his father sang to him once when he had asked about mother. He never understood it but he figured it meant she was where she belonged. Quatre wondered if he was going there or would he fade to nothingness as Duo said some did when they died.
Trowa was shaking him but not as strongly. Now it was like he was just rocking him, back and forth in the same rhythm he had rocked him earlier. Funny how things repeat themselves.
***
"Bring to me the lowly"
A faint melody swirled in the stifling warm darkness behind his eyelids. His skin itched in the sudden warmth under Trowa's heavy, winter sweater.
"Falling toward the holy"
The creaking of many trees swaying in a flower scented breeze reached his ears. A bird chirped nearby as something rustled off to his left.
"Ashes, ashes"
He could feel damp earth though his layers of clothing as the musky smell drifted under his nose. Quatre felt a soft rain fall on his face as he inhaled its precious scent.
"We all go home"
The melody ended and slowly he opened his eyes waiting for them to adjust to the shifting gloom. The thick tree branches swayed breaking the golden light rays as Quatre silently watched. Everything had color here.
Home. That would be nice. Also warm tea with milk and honey as the birds sing around the fountain. But most of all, thought Quatre, the knowledge that any second Trowa will come walking up him. . .
A beam of light shined into his eyes bringing him back out of his thoughts. The beam bounced across his face again and he headed toward it.
The light vanished abruptly as a child laughed in the trees ahead.
Quatre paused as at the sound and didn't move till he heard it again. The sound was further away this time like the child was running as it laughed.
He followed the its laugh through the woods at a jogging pace stopping every once in a while to check which direction the child was moving. Sometimes to his right or far ahead to the left. Once the laugh had sounded behind him making him whirl around totally puzzled.
Time wore on and he started to notice his surroundings more during the pursuit. The thick trees had thinned in numbers leaving small clearings for a riot of multicolored flowers to grow. Black rocks peeked out of the coverings of green moss and purple vines.
Suddenly Quatre noticed that there were no insects buzzing
The child laughed right next to him abruptly him spin making and stare around. His heart was pounding so loud he barely heard when it laughed again to his left.
There pink girl he had been following in hell was standing before him. She was looking amused at his startled look. Standing there in her pink dress and her blonde hair glowing in a ray of sunlight she watched him with those green eyes. Her pale feet were bare and smudged slightly with fresh earth. He noticed a white flower was stuck above her ear when she tilted her head to one side.
She walked up to him looking at him intently before grinning as she said, "My I did a lovely job creating you, my beauty." She patted his cheek and stepped back.
Her hand felt like being touched with a live wire while standing in water. Quatre felt fuzzy inside and weak-kneed as he tried to regain his bearings. Everything looked a little skewed like he was looking through a warped glass. Slowly everything started to change particularly the girl who now looked like a pillar of light to which countless beams of light extended from connecting to the trees which were now nothing but silhouettes of light.
Quatre was trying to figure out everything he was seeing but when she laughed again everything straightened itself out
"Hello, umm.. why are we here?" Quatre asked limply waving his hand at the trees and sky. He felt like that was the wrong question but also felt that she was the one to ask if he was going to learn anything more.
She cocked an eyebrow, looked around and laughed again before replying, "Is that really what you want to know?"
"You're right. It's not," he said sighing before continuing, "Since you seem to know more, one could say, about this whole situation, can you tell me why I was in hell?"
"Humm, where to begin?" she murmured digging a toe into the ground. "Well, I hate making nice people break promises they made especially when living so I let you follow till you fulfilled yours. You woke for him even if it was in hell. I felt it would be unfair since he kept his so tragically." The girl had gotten a dreamy look in her eyes when she said this last line.
"Unfair?" Quatre stared at her hard, saying, "Unfair is letting him kill himself with the world and letting them all go to that colorless inferno."
"Only those who deserved it went to hell, Quatre," she replied calmly. "You should know yourself how hard judging can be especially on such a large scale."
"Then why is Milliardo there?"
"He had once tried to destroy my world."
"No, he wanted to teach the earth to turn away from war by letting them feel the costs so well it couldn't be ignored," Quatre explained, "Problem was the price would of been too great for anyone to appreciate the lesson."
"So I've been corrected," she stated in a bored tone, "He tried to seriously hurt the world in the name of some ideal."
"Ideals is what you gave us to live by."
"I gave you a paradise and domain over my creatures. And how do you repay me? You break the one command I gave you even when I said death would happen if you did so. I was kind. I only kicked out." She smiled sweetly.
"Yeah and punished all of mankind from there on. Talk about carrying a grudge. A truly loving and forgiving god aren't you," Quatre sneered darkly. He had a feeling now of why Duo was so sarcastic. When you didn't have anything polite to say, it felt just as good to be sarcastic as hell. (3)
"That is quiet out of line especially for you, Quatre," she said in a firm tone. "Think more before making assumptions. You who thinks so highly of your ideals that you force them on others. Be it by violence, reason, or just shear repetition, you drill your beliefs on others."
"You do it too," Quatre argued, "You've done it for thousands of years. Why can't you look at how you act before expecting everyone to be faultless? You expect too much if you yourself will not be rational."
"I've never wanted something rational," she cried, "I wanted only somewhere to be happy and at peace. A beautiful place to call my own but you humans are a corruption. Making you different than the rest of my creation and giving you freewill has gone to your heads. So what if I don't measure up to your expectations. I get too involved with you silly creatures and your day to day dramas. Its so hard to constantly be watching every move you all make. People never comprehend how much they influence their surroundings till its too late. With each generation's advancement, mankind makes it easier and easier to totally tip the balance of life. No ones is totally powerful. Even I tire with each no life to provide for and each ending life to guide. Its so much." (4)
Quatre stood there staring at her. Her, the god whose world is dead. "Don't you want your world to live?"
She glared at him and hissed, "Why, so they can kill themselves all over again?"
"No," he replied, "Let them have another chance."
"And do you know what I see in the future of this world if I do that? I see a grim decline to total annihilation," her blue eyes glittering.
He ran a shaking hand through his hair and looked down at his other hand which was still clutching the bear. This little object means so much to him but what if it was the world he clutched to his chest. What would he feel to suddenly discover it died in his care. His eyed burned with unshed tears. Quatre felt a wrenching tug in his chest and his knees gave out. He collapsed hard on the moist earth as he felt the wrenching worsen and distort all thoughts in his head. Everything felt like it was falling apart.
"Now, you know how I feel," she whispered in an icy voice stepping closer to him.
He clenched his fists and remembered the bear and the promise of Trowa's
Quatre struggled to his feet gasping and flung his arms around in a tight embrace. She strove to free herself of him but he only tightened his arms. He buried his face into her shoulder and waited for her to calm down.
She stared at his lowered head and reached a trembling hand up to stroke the disheveled hair. The girl smiled slightly and murmured, "You always want to be hugged when you can't think of anything or you're just plain confused. You are so much like me, my poor, lost beauty. In so much pain and oh, so sad. In your life you were always struggling, be it war or that final, agonizing disease. Why do you fight to continue?"
Tears escaped Quatre's eyes as he sought for words, "How would one know to enjoy the sweet if you never knew the bitter. I would suffer all the pain and confusion to be felt if it meant I could still see the joys of even the littlest things. Those always make it worth the effort. Do you not understand how without the struggles we suffer we would know not love when we found it?"
He was sobbing heavily into her shoulder as she continued to stoke his hair. Her eyes were closed and her hand no longer trembled.
"You would suffer your disease forever if it meant you could be with Trowa? Would you even suffer all hell holds to see the world survive with him alive also?" she whispered into his ear softly. As he nodded she began to sing:
"Ring around the rosy
Pocket full of poises
Ashes, ashes
We all fall down
Bring to me the lowly
Falling toward the holy
Ashes, ashes
We all go home
Sing of the sad boy
Who once was so coy
Ashes, ashes
We all lose hope
See the fears falling
Sad tears calling
Ashes, ashes
We all rise again"
Quatre felt a shiver down his spine when she gripped his hair and pulled him off her saying, "What would be the worse thing hell could hold for you? What would make you change your mind? Can you tell me this?"
Still kneeling all he could do was stare at her as his blank mind spun in circles about the thought of the bear in his hand. The precious gift from Trowa. His mind spun faster as he remembered the time he had lost the bear after its ear ripped. For days he searched frantically around the mansion looking for it till Trowa came back and handed it to him with its ear sown back on. Quatre remembered crying on his shoulder about how worried he was about losing it and the laugh Trowa made before saying he wondered what would happen if Quatre lost him..
"Losing your bear?" she asked in an aggravated tone, "That is all you care about?"
"No," he sighed, "Trowa."
"Ah, the most condemned is your most cherished. Why?"
"He didn't give up on me when all others did."
"Saving you from one bout of insanity instantly redeems him of all further wrong."
"No, he knew that in all the havoc that was me, there was the ability to do good still. This he sought and found when no one else could."
"You believe this exists also in him?"
"How else would hell torment him if he couldn't yearn to right his wrongs."
"Do you want me to give him a second chance?"
Quatre fought back a hysterical laugh and replied, "Of course."
She extended her hand and said, "Come."
He rose to his feet and took her hand following her deeper into the woods. The trees faded into the encroaching fog as the ground turned rocky. The air grew chilly and dry as all the forest noises stopped. They halted at a sheer cliff edge.
Her voice was firm as she said, "Look down and take in what you see."
Quatre peered over the edge and saw the sea of damned souls crashing into the cliffs base. So many of them took on the forms of his loved ones but the wrong, bitter feeling in his gut told him they were impostors. He could not stand the thought of ever being one of those hopeless creatures striving for eternity for an unreachable goals.
She spoke again in the same tone, "Now look behind you."
He turned around toward the direction they had come from and saw the trees had turned a soft, golden color. The fog revealed more of the welcoming landscape the longer he stared at it. He felt an unbearable longing to run toward those trees and lounge in the warmth they emitted.
"If you seek Trowa you must step forward," she said.
He tore his eyes away from the trees to her firm face. He felt an immediate repulsion at the thought of falling into those condemned waves especially compared to the warmth behind him.
"Choose."
He wanted to forget everything he fought for and go into the trees. He started for the trees but an image of dead eyes once emerald flooded his mind. Trowa was worth that hell.
Quatre spun around and dove off the cliff into the waves. Immediately he felt the creatures grab him, pulling him deeper into the depths. The darkness rolled over him in waves and the cold water tore all his warmth away. He clutched his bear to his chest and his mind was cleared of all thoughts except for that last image of Trowa. Of those dead eyes. He wanted to see them emerald again.
***
"Sleeping beauty, wake up," a voice murmured into Quatre's ear in rhythm with the icy waves that he was floating in.
Quatre opened his eyes seeking the source only to see the cloudy sky rolling in high winds. Nothing else moved as he called out in a faint voice, "Is that you Trowa?"
He heard a low chuckle and recognized Wufei before he spoke to Quatre again, "No, but I had a feeling that would wake you faster."
Quatre still could not locate where he was speaking from as he craned his neck while trying not to get water in his face. "Where are you?"
"One could say fate caught up with us," he whispered sadly.
"What do you mean?"
"I think Hiro was the only one of us who knew we really wouldn't be allowed to stay in purgatory long."
"Where are the others?"
"In their places. Hiro could of gone above but he choose to stay with Duo."
"Why would she condemn Duo?"
"Why would she condemn you? We saw her take you away."
"Trowa."
"Why him?"
"Ask God. She knows."
"Then look for him."
"I am," Quatre could almost feel Wufei rise an eyebrow at that. "I am waiting for the girls to come pester me first. They always seem to know where to find him."
"They will not come, the damned watchers. They try to get those who belong elsewhere out of here not those who choose to be here."
"How do you know so much about them?" Quatre frowned slightly.
"Duo is now one of them."
"Would he help me find him?" his eyebrows shot up.
"Depends on if it compromises your damnation," Wufei's voice was fading.
"I am not damned just looking for Trowa," Quatre struggled in the water in the direction of the fading voice.
"Have you looked at yourself lately?" his voice disappeared leaving Quatre staring at the distant coastline of gray. Slowly he looked down at himself and saw that the white creatures not only took all his warmth, he was now one of them. Vaguely human shaped and white as a sun-bleached bone.
Quatre gave a throat wrenching scream and let himself sink deeper into the waves cold embrace.
***
The crashing of surf accompanied by harsh cries woke Quatre from his dismal slumber. Stretching his cramped hand that was still clutching the bear, he realized he was near the beach he was at earlier.
This time instead of himself standing on the sandy shore, he saw the faint form of Milliardo crying still. He was watching Quatre bob in the waves.
Quatre desperately wanted to reach him but the thought of being smashed by the surf into formless pieces.
Looking at the beach in growing despair he saw a familiar figure approaching along the same path he had traveled earlier. There was bit of color in him. His eyes were emerald again.
Quatre flung himself forward striving to get to the beach but as he struggled he saw Trowa fade slightly. Fade the same way Milliardo did.
He let out a straggled cry and forced himself closer to shore hoping to reach Trowa before he disappeared.
Suddenly a wave smashed into him and shattered him literally against the bottom. His scream was cut short as what was left of him reformed and strove for the shore again and again only to be smashed repetitively.
Quatre stopped striving as he realized he would never reach his Trowa. He let himself go limp and watched with mild interest as the bear once so full of color was a soggy gray. It sunk out of view only to be pushed up and away by the waves toward the shore. A far reaching wave splashed it on to the sand beach at the feet of the almost invisible Trowa.
Quatre let his eyes slide close and the current drag his vague body deeper into its clutches.
Somewhere in a detached part of his mind he heard the golden headed girl whisper again, "So you choose to be damned then."
'Yes,' thought Quatre, "... pointless from the beginning... it all was..."
A faint image of pale golden rays slipping over a desert horizon. Gradually the image included the faint feeling of warmth as the feeling that Trowa was near increased. He began to feel warm and pretended for a moment that he was with Trowa again and they were on his balcony looking at the sunrise. That they were wrapped up together in his overstuffed comforter enjoying the warmth of each other. Quatre could feel Trowa's hand rubbing his back and feel him kiss the top of his head like he does all the time.
"Don't worry. I am always here even if you can't tell, lovely one," Trowa murmured.
Quatre shoved the memory from his mind and tried to let his dead body sink deeper but realized suddenly that he was rising instead. Rising in the arms of someone.
When his head broke the waters surface he smelt the familiar scent of sandalwood and musk that he knew so dearly to be the scent of Trowa.
He crashed onto the shore still held in those well-known arms. Quatre felt his limp form being gently rolled over by trembling hands.
Emerald eyes spilling over with tears stared into Quatre's white face. Trowa placed a hand against Quatre's cheek and swallowed a painful sob.
Quatre knew what Trowa was feeling with his trembling hands, dead, cold skin. Trowa was staring into clouded eyes that only Quatre knew were not dead.
Suddenly Trowa shook Quatre by the shoulders and crushed him against his chest in a despairing embrace.
Quatre felt the bear against his chest and realized the bear was the center of the embrace. The bear that has gone everywhere with him is now with him again with his Trowa as if the bear had brought his beloved back to him.
Closing his eyes he breathed a deep sigh and wrapped his arms around his Trowa feeling the warmth spread through him. Even the air seemed warmer as Trowa tighten his embrace and cried hard against Quatre's shoulder.
A bright light flashed across Quatre's closed eyes several times before he took notice and peeked out. To his surprise they were back in the garden under the tree. Everything was awash in color and above he could hear birds chattering cheerfully. The fountain was bubbling peacefully as more birds were playing in its depths.
Trowa pulled back and looked Quatre in the eyes as the tears continued down his face. His green eyes sparkled in the reflected sun rays as he smiled, "I saved you, my beauty."
Quatre laughed and said, "Once again you did." He saw a swath of white in the corner of his eye and turned to see God standing there by the fountain. Trowa did not notice her as he embraced Quatre again.
She was smiling sadly as she whispered into Quatre's ear, "He knew he could of become like you in the waves if he went in but he dived in any ways. He was praying aloud as he struggled toward you. Praying that if I let him save you and be with you just long enough to embrace that he would suffer all of hell without regretting it. You two think so much alike when you're faced with such odds."
Quatre stroked Trowa's back and thought to her, 'I wouldn't desert him a third time.'
She laughed and put a hand into the fountain's water as she replied, "How would one know to enjoy the sweet if you never knew the bitter." A small bird approached her submerged hand. She lifted her hand out of the water toward it and stoked it under the beak before continuing, "The disease I will rid you of. You shall remember all of this but they shall not. Your Trowa proved that the most damned can still strive for good even if it could never happen. Also that I know now how dear my creation is even if it tend to be self-destructive." She laughed and faded from his view.
Quatre continued trying to let it sink in what she said. He shivered and noticed his shirt was still wet. Water was dripping from his hair. Cold glistening droplets fell down his nose.
He could feel Trowa was wet also. Feeling a bit disoriented, Quatre felt Trowa release him. He leaned against the tree as Quatre watched him rub his eyes as a confused look crossed his face.
She had cleared his memory.
In the distance Quatre could see to figures angrily chasing another who was giggling loudly. One of the pursuers gave a triumphant growl and grabbed the giggling one. He pinned him to the ground while the other one came up with a bucket of water and poured it on the pinned person.
Quatre rubbed his eyes and leaned forward away from the tree to watch them closer. He realized it was Duo getting up from the ground where Hiro had held him down with his knees. A dripping Wufei had the bucket and was laughing as he dodged an angry Duo who was even wetter. Hiro was clutching his sides as he laughed at him.
"Hello, sleeping beauty," Trowa mumbled as wrapped his arms around Quatre's waist and kissed his cheek. "I thought you were going to sleep the afternoon away."
Quatre turned quickly around and gave Trowa a tight embrace. As he suddenly kissed him, Trowa blinked in surprise.
"I love you so much, Trowa," he said quickly before settling down next him with his arms still wrapped tightly around him.
"Does this mean you are over your home sickness?" Trowa asked softly looking him in the eye.
Quatre figured it must of been the look of utter confusion that made him laugh so hard. It took him a long time to calm him down enough to ask, "Me homesick with you sitting here by my side? Never will I be, Trowa, as long as I have your love."
Trowa kissed him and picked him up suddenly. He carried him briskly toward the fountain and said in a-bad-attempt-at-serious tone, "Should I punish you for making me worry so much?"
Quatre quickly figured out what he was going to do and before he could stop him Trowa had let go. Quatre hastily grabbed hold of Trowa and pulled him in with him.
The water was deliciously cold as they both sank the two feet to its bottom. Trowa pulled Quatre close and kissed him fiercely before they surfaced.
"I guess I deserved that," Trowa muttered before laughing again.
Quatre heard Duo first before he felt him dunk him in again as Hiro did the same to Trowa. They came sputtering to the surface and angrily splashed the two pilots till everyone was soaked and laughing so hard they couldn't splash anymore.
Trowa climbed out and helped Quatre onto the grass where the other three were basking in the sun with their tops off. Duo was bragging about dunking Quatre loudly and laughing as the two approached still dripping.
Trowa stripped his shirt off and flung it into the unsuspecting face of Duo who then commenced to curse him in a very colorful language. Trowa sat down laughing as Hiro chuckled quietly and pulled Duo down by his braid to shut him up with a smothering kiss.
"Thank you, Hiro. I enjoy clean air," Wufei said right before Duo smacked him with Trowa's shirt.
Quatre laid down next to Trowa and laughed. From hell to heaven to hell again and here is where the joy is. In the simple satisfaction of living with the little joys.
By: Ange Colère 1. Snappy I know and grouchy and a severe complainer. It is instinct in the morning. Lets see you be extra cheery 24-7. It can be a living hell. 2. You guessed right: he sure collapses a lot. 3 Yes yes I know it is out of character but just think of what he had to put up with and that girl isn't being the funniest person to converse with. 4. One cannot expect anyone to be all powerful especially when they have lost something very dear. And yes I know she is pessimistic. Author's note: Humph, is all I gotta say at this moment. Okay I put a lot of effort into this considering I stayed up to all hours working from the time I woke till I slept for a few days in a row till I go so feed up I gave it a choppy ending where Quatre just wakes up after blacking out in the desert and all that was wrong was he had homesickness. But my friends liked the story so much (before the corny ending) that I revised it. Funny thing is that it just kept getting longer each time I tried to end it. And then we just had to read Genisis in English and discuss it along with other religious writings. So that played a wonderful undercurrent of emotion while writing this. I ended it with a laugh though and man do I feel better. "I've never wanted something rational." ~ Alantis Morset Funny how things repeat themselves.
I pity you for reading this but I hoped you at least learned something. Other than how long I can go on and on and on.
But honestly, did you learn something?
(This is a depressing, hug-hug, yaoi fanfic. Homophobic people beware because I seek your downfall.) ((I tried not to kill anyone honestly but the temptation was too great. Forgive the murderer, moi, but oh well I hope I make you laugh and cry. )) (((oh, I forgot to mention that I was in a umm bad, philosophical mood and I couldn't help the corny lines and big emotional scenes)))
-------------------------------- "We All Fall Down" -----------------------
The alarm rang suddenly and he jerked up on one elbow quickly staring wildly around him. Realizing it was only the clock he pushed his bangs out of his pale blue eyes and tried to smack the clock off. He missed, knocking his book onto the floor and startling himself even more. He groggily sat the rest of the way up and glared at the offensive clock before poking it off with a shaking finger.
He roughly rubbed his dark-ringed eyes as he tried to banish the last fragments of his nightmares. He snarled as one of the many disturbing images surfaced instead of fading. Running a shaky hand through his hair he tried to focus on what to do that day, but he felt too tired to do anything.
Sluggishly he flung himself back onto the bed and curled up under the overstuffed comforter around a worn bear that he absently stroked as he fell asleep again. Soon his heavy breathing filled the room as sunlight began to filter in through the half closed curtains.
***
After a while the door was opened quietly and a brown head poked itself in. Emerald green eyes darted around before noticing the lump under the comforter. Confusion and worry crossed the normally placid face as the figure moved into the room, slippered feet making no noise, and went to the bed. Slowly he sat down on the edge and pulled the cover back carefully.
Watching the sleeping figure breath steadily, he gently he brushed his finger-tips along the blondes cheek and leaned forward to place a small kiss on the pale cheek when a tear rolled down it. He stared as the tear moved its way down to the unusually pale lips that quivered slightly.
Quietly his murmured, "Quatre, wake up now."
The curled boy didn't move and the other slowly laid down beside him. He wrapped his arms carefully around him and the bear to wait for him to wake.
***
Hours later the blonde stirred slightly and woke suddenly when he couldn't roll over. After a moment he realized he was being held by someone and Quatre calmed down a little. He relaxed his grip on his bear and was about to yawn when he heard the other figure mummer, "Morning, sleeping beauty."
Quatre smiled and snuggled closer to him whispering, "Hello, Trowa. I missed you."
"How do you feel today?" he asked giving him a little kiss on the back of his neck.
"I am still exhausted. Can't get enough sleep and all the food is flavorless," Quatre muttered and sighed deeply.(1)
"Don't worry. I am always here even if you can't tell, lovely one. No more missions for awhile," he murmured smiling as he stroked Quatre's arms. "I have something for you."
'What is it?" he said trying to roll over but Trowa arms held him firmly in place. He felt him reaching into his pocket to pull whatever it was out.
Trowa reached his arm over Quatre and slide a silver and gold ring over his finger. Quatre gazed in wonder at the ring that was shaped like a silver vine bearing six golden roses.
"Ring around the rosy," Trowa whispered before kissing the back of his head and inhaling the scent of myrrh and the desert.
"Pocket full of poises. It is beautiful. Hug me closer, please," he whispered.
Trowa pulled him closer, "Of course, I promise to hug you whenever you wish. We have all the time to do this."
"...all the time..." Quatre stopped smiling and turned his face into his bear to hide his watering eyes.
Trowa hugged him tighter and nuzzled his neck murmuring, "Please, tell me what is on your mind, Quatre."
He didn't answer him, and after a few minutes of silence Trowa realized Quatre had fallen asleep again. He carefully let him go and slipped out of bed. Gently he pulled the cover up to his chin and smoothed it over with a long, slight movement of his hand.
He stood looking down on him and noted that Quatre had not undressed except to remove his shoes. Glancing around he saw the remains of Quatre's dinner, barely touched, on the desk. Trowa had brought it to him when he didn't come down to join everyone in the hall the other night. This meant Quatre hadn't eaten since lunch two days ago. Trowa picked it up and carried the tray downstairs as he went to get a late breakfast. His stomach threatened to growl loud enough to wake the sleeping boy.
***
While entering the kitchen Wufei ran into him and almost knocked the laded tray out of Trowa's hands. Wufei noticed the amount of old food still on the dishes and was about to comment but Trowa quickly brushed past him.
Wufei went into the living room where he knew he'd find Duo on the game-system playing solider even on his off-time. Hiro was no where in sight and he figured he was out adjusting Wing Zero or hiding from Duo again somewhere in the mansion. Duo always seems to find Hiro despite the hundred something rooms to hide in. Wufei smirked about that thought.
Sitting down next to the braided pilot, Wufei asked, "Duo, do you know why it is happening so fast with Quatre?"
Duo blasted a few more monsters before replying, "Hiro said he thinks too much and it is causing it to happen faster than it should. Also, that we won't get it since it is genetic. "
Wufei blinked hard and said, "He said that much?"
Duo chuckled, "Yes, over a one month period." Blasting some robots with hammers he continued, "Trowa seems to be taking it hard and I'd hate to see what he'd do if Quatre went suddenly."
Straightening his sleeves Wufei stood up to look in on Trowa in the kitchen. He called over his shoulder with dead seriousness, "I'll be back to defeat you and avenge my honor."
"Fetch us some cokes, Woofy. I guess ten minutes is too long for you to sit quietly defeated, and don't worry, I'll whip your butt again," Duo laughed loudly but when he cut off a little short, Wufei realized Duo was thinking of the other two still.
As he was walking into the large kitchen he heard a plate break and then shatter loudly on the floor. He saw Trowa standing there looking blankly at the broken china and clutching his right fist to his chest. Small rivets of blood flowed down his arm and his green shirt darkened as the dish-towel wrapped around his hand turned a bright red. His breathing was a little uneven and his lip trembled slightly.
"Trowa, what happened?" he asked slowly as he approached the dazed pilot.
Trowa blinked and looked up at Wufei before answering in a shaky voice, "I'm not sure... I was thinking about him and.... I don't know..."
"Give me your hand, Trowa. I have to see how bad it is." Wufei gently pried the stiff fingers open and unwrapped the towel. The cut was deep but no major veins were hit. The blood flow had just about stopped.
A wide-eyed Duo rushed in as Wufei was pulling the first-aid box out of the drawer. Looking at the floor and then Trowa's blank face he said nothing as he went into the closet. Duo pulled the broom and dustpan out and began cleaning the shattered plate up.
Just as they finished Quatre came in slowly rubbing a half open eye. He looked at the three of them staring at him and saw with a shiver the fresh bandage on Trowa's fist and the blood on his shirt. His blue eyes opened wider and he looked as if he was going to faint, but he steadied himself on the counter next to him.
"Quatre, it's only a small cut I got on the broken plate," Trowa said in a calming tone as he approached him.
Quatre visibly relaxed and leaned against him as Trowa hugged him. His nose twitched slightly as the smell of Trowa's blood reached him and he leaned a little harder against him as if to smother the scent.
Duo and Wufei exchanged glances and slipped down the back hall with their cokes.
Trowa nuzzled Quatre's ear and asked, "Would you care to go for a walk outside after I change my shirt and we eat?"
Quatre nodded against his shoulder and stood on his toes to kiss Trowa tenderly. For a while they both just stood there like that before a oil smudged Hiro walked in.
He glanced at the two before going to the fridge and pulling out three bottles and a bucket of Duo's chicken. He grumbled something like a hello and went out the back hall.
Trowa smiled and let Quatre go as he went to the cupboard. He leaned over to pull a picnic basket out saying, 'I think it will be nicer to eat outside. Don't you agree?"
Quatre's eyes brightened and he smiled slightly as he opened a door and disappeared down into the cellar. After a few minutes he emerged with a dusty bottle and cobwebs in his hair which he was trying unsuccessfully to remove.
"Do you want turkey or ham on your sandwhi-.." Trowa was asking when he saw Quatre's disheveled look and he burst out laughing as the blonde approached.
"Turkey would be great. How does 1823 strawberry wine sound, my love?" Quatre asked as he pecked a kiss on his cheek.
"Wonderful," Trowa mumbled into Quatre's hair as they embraced again. He smiled and thought of how some color was returning to Quatre's face.
***
In the back rec. room, Duo jumped around the pool table giggling, "I won. I won! You lost again, Woofy the Loser!"
"I didn't lose. I let you win because you'd carry on if I didn't and send Hiro after me," Wufei growled and sat back glaring at the bouncing braided pilot pondering on the perfect revenge.
Hiro chuckled as he picked up his pole to play in the next game. His dark eyes gleamed as he powdered his hands.
"I am the undefeatable Duo! None can triumph over me! All shall bow to me, Shinigami of the Pool Room! Bow, I say, weakli-" Duo was shouting as he danced around the room before being interrupted.
Hiro had grabbed his braid and shut him up with a brutal kiss, muttering, "Not for long, baka."
Wufei laughed and cheered Hiro on when the game began.
An hour later steaming Hiro left the room glaring with a triumphant Duo giggling behind him and a wounded Wufei crying he shall revenge his honor somehow.
***
Deep in the large garden surrounded by tall trees, Trowa and Quatre were finishing their long lunch next to a tall, stone fountain. Calmly Quatre laid down with his head in Trowa's lap and stared contentedly at the tiny rainbows dancing in the fine spray. Fingering the ring of roses as he thought of how much he loved just being here with Trowa and wished he wasn't so tired. Quatre wanted to enjoy the moment more than the past and what was left of the future.
"Trowa?" he drowsily murmured.
"Yes?" he leaned over to look at his face.
"Will you be here when I wake?" he asked trying to keep his eyes open.
"Of course, my beauty," Trowa picked up Quatre's hand and kissed the ring, "You will wake."
"I promise to wake, my love," Quatre kissed the palm of Trowa's hand and snuggled closer to him.
The weeping willow whispered its secrets as Trowa ran his fingers through the blonde's hair and thought about how tired and happy Quatre looked. He smiled slightly as he saw the blonde begin to nod off again. It was an effort for him to stay awake through the meal and Trowa was well aware of how precious this all was. Time was fading and so was his love. If only.... if only there was a way to change it all... if only...
Quatre felt a cold droplet hit his face and thought as he continued to fall asleep that there were no clouds in the sky when he last looked. A small part of him realized it was Trowa's tear as his eyes closed. Don't cry. That will only make it harder to say farewell... in a few days. I'll tell him again when I wake how much I love him. I will...
***
It was the cold that woke him first, but after starting blankly at a gray sky Quatre noticed that he was alone laying on his side. His chest hurt as sat up. He tried to yawn but breathed in a lung full of ash and coughed harshly till he could breathe somewhat again. His face was wet with tears and his throat felt like it was on fire.
Something else was nagging at him as he looked around. With a shock he realized everything was gray and all noise was muffled. The fountain's water moved slowly with a mournful mumble that was barely audible above the constant winds.
The grass was so dry that it was crumbling away into dust. The trees... all the tall, beautiful trees were but skeletons of dry wood. The mansion could be seen through their spidery branches. His beautiful home that thrived here in the middle of the desert is leveled. The last birthday gift his father gave him long ago. Quatre let out a wailing cry before sinking to his knees. He saw only a ruined mound of shattered stone and splintered wood where his home should be.
He shook his head violently and pounded the ground suddenly shouting, "This can't be! No, it was there just a moment ago... just a moment ago I was with Trowa... where is Trowa?... TROWA!!!"
Quatre relaxed and balled his fists a few times in the ash before he closed his right hand on something. A piece of paper. Opening it he found a note Trowa's handwriting:
My Quatre,
I'll be back soon. The rest of us have a mission an hour away. Didn't want to wake you, sleeping beauty.
Love,
Trowa PS And yes, I will keep an eye on Duo and the others.
He calmed down a little but was still confused. The paper looked old and worn like it had been laying there a long time. The edges were flaking away and the creases where it was folded were gray. He put it carefully in his pocket.
Staring around he saw that through the trees he could see a large pile of twisted metal and rubble where the large garage for the gundams was suppose to be.
Stumbling he ran toward it over the remains of the garden walls and the sidewalks. In a black and white pile of metal he saw half of Duo's scythe and part Hiro's wing. He climbed deeper into the mass and tripped on the trident to Shenlong, bent at an odd angle. He couldn't find any sign of Trowa's gundam, Heavyarms. In a daze he noticed that his gundam wasn't there either.
Slowly he scrambled toward the mansion's remains hoping to find some clue as to where everyone is. Three of the four corners to the main hall still stood as tall of at least half of their original height. All of the chimneys had collapsed along with the whole second floor. No one could of survived that.
Quatre smirked a little as he thought the arguments everyone had over servants in the household. He'd never heard Hiro say so much in one night and chew Duo out so much. Duo wanted a few servants to fetch his snacks whenever he wanted them and Hiro didn't want such potential spies around him. Hiro won and everyone was disappointed.
Babbling to himself trying to not think of the possibility that the enemy- had found them finally and executed them. Eventually his thoughts did come to this point and he collapsed to his knees crying in the spot where his room once was. Through his blurry tears he saw the bear that he had held that morning. That was the first gift Trowa had given him. Quatre picked it up and clutched it to his chest sobbing louder.
The thin air burned in his lungs and his weariness overcame him. Quatre collapsed to the ground wrapped around his bear once again wondering where Trowa was. Hoping he was alive.
***
"Ring around the rosy
Pocket full of poises
Ashes, ashes
We all fall down"
Over and over he heard the chant sang by small voices and the patter of feet nearby. He opened his sore eyes slowly and tried to move but stopped. His whole body was frozen with pain. He gritted his teeth and hissed.
He kept thinking not again. This will pass as it always does. It has never lasted this long but the pain does last longer each time it comes. Where are the pain killers when you really need them?
After a while he realized the chanting of the children had stopped. Children indeed, there were surrounding him where he lay. Six little girls with light brown hair in white dresses but no shoes. Their bare white feet were not covered in ash and grime as his were. He stared at their angelic faces and realized they all had green eyes like Trowa. Such an innocent and lost green.
"Innocent, no," one said to his left.
"Lost, yes," continued another girl at his feet.
"What happened?" he demanded and hissed as another wave of pain passed over him.
"Did you know?" one to Quatre's right began.
"That he would do it?" one more at his head asked.
"The others knew," couldn't tell which one spoke this time.
"You shouldn't of left him so soon."
"You left too soon."
"He lost it."
"You promised.''
"That you would wake."
"He stayed there."
"Waiting so long."
"So long for you to wake."
"He promised to stay."
"Stay he did."
"They dragged him away."
"He came back."
One of the girls leaned close to Quatre's face and asked in a mad tone, "Why did you die? He is lost now. Lost in your death. We are all lost."
"Lost
We are all lost
Lost in your death
He is lost now."
They all picked up the chant and began to dance around him except for the one who leaned over him. She stared with his eyes at him and Quatre couldn't help but laugh at her disturbing resemblance to Trowa. He laughed and laughed till the tears rolled down his cheeks. His laughter had a fraying edge to it.
They all hushed and stood still as the one who leaned stared in horror at him. No one spoke.
Quatre finally was able to sit up. His chest still hurt as he breathed. He glanced at all their horrified faces and began to feel scared.
Finally the one who had leaned over him spoke, "There is no laughing here."
They began their talk again in their sweet but questioning voices, "Don't you know?"
"You don't laugh here."
"It is forbidden."
"He never spoke."
"Or laughed."
"He knew it before he came."
"But not the others."
"Yes, they fought."
"Especially the braided one."
"He loved to laugh."
"You know."
"They all died."
"Even here."
"In hell."
"Where everyone is already dead."
"When they came."
"They died again."
"They don't know how."
"To live as we do."
"They refuse."
"So they die."
"He never tried."
"To live."
"He just lies there dead."
"Yes, very dead."
"You live here though."
"Why?" the one who was leaning demanded, "They lay in their graves and you walk as if you live. You let yourself die and killed everyone doing so. Now you walk as if you live, why?"
Quatre wanted to smack her. He wanted to hit all of them. He would never kill them. He would never kill his Trowa. No, they lie about everything. No sign of Trowa was found in that rumble. He could be alive. Yes, he is alive.
Quatre glared at all of them but one line they had said came back to him:
' "You promised.''
"That you would wake." '
"I woke up, damn you. I am awake. He is alive," he shouted at them.
"You woke up in hell," the one who had leaned over him replied as she stepped back in line and they began to dance again singing:
"Ring around the rosy
Pocket full of poises
Ashes, ashes
We all fall down"
Slowly they began to fade with only their voices remaining. On and on they sang till Quatre crouched covering his ears with his fists. Finally their voices began to fade and when the last words he heard ' ashes, ashes' disappeared, he took his fists away from his ears.
"We all fall down!" was suddenly whispered loudly in his ears. Quatre flung himself away from the spot he was crouching at and stared wildly about. There was no sign of the girls with the eyes like Trowa's.
Quatre's mind remained blank till the wind nipped at him and he started thinking of what they said. as he stroked the bear. He absently picked the dirt out of its fur.
"They said this was hell and that they all were dead here. Then that means I can still find them. I can find him," Quatre muttered to himself. His eyes were feverish and he was shaking. He realized he was freezing and that his fingers had turned blue.
Slowly he dug around in the rubble till he found something to wrap up in. I was one of Trowa's winter turtle-necks. A dark green in all this gray, he pulled it over his head and felt better at once. He sighed and smelled Trowa suddenly. He looked up and saw only the bleak landscape around him still. He inhaled and smelt the sandalwood and musk that he knew so dearly to be the scent of Trowa. The shirt still smelt of him. Quatre hugged himself and tried to remember the feeling of being in Trowa's arms as he closed his eyes.
Gradually he began to feel warm and pretended for a moment that he was with him again and they were on his balcony looking at the sunrise. That they were wrapped up together in his overstuffed comforter enjoying the warmth of each other. Quatre could feel Trowa's hand rubbing his back and feel him kiss the top of his head like he does all the time.
"Don't worry. I am always here even if you can't tell, lovely one," Trowa murmured.
Quatre opened his eyes wide hoping to find him standing there next to him but only frigid gusts welcomed his eyes. The warmth diminished but he wasn't freezing again though.
He picked up the bear and began to wander toward the water for a reason he couldn't explain to himself when he began to wonder why. He felt that something was waiting for him there. A quarter a mile away lays the beach that he felt he had to go to. He walked that distance many times with Trowa on cold days when no sun was visible and they could hold onto each other the whole way.
Now the way was lonely with no birds singing around this rare oasis that fell into the sea. Already he cold smell the salty tang but it too was subdued and its normally calm breezes were sharp gusts that tore at him.
The scarce grass was turning to dust here too as he stepped on their crumbling stems. The crackling noise they made with each step was the only accompanying sound beside the wind as he saw the first flicker of foamy waves.
No sun shone through the thick cloud yet the foam glowed faintly as it reached the slightly darker sand. Quatre couldn't see through the waves and the water was moving against the gusts that it normally followed. In the deeper water beyond the waves, he could see the swirl of a large, pale creature swimming back and forth. After staring at the thing he realized that it wasn't one large creature but numerous bodies trying frantically to get to the shore. A few had reached the waves where they were plummeted in the surf repeatedly until white pieces could be seen floating back out into the deep. The other bodies in beyond the waves ignored the pieces as they continued to struggle toward the waves.
The colorless beach was absent of any parts of these damned beings as the waves slammed down. Nothing to show that they weren't just figments of his dreams manifesting themselves.
One face became devastatingly clear in the midst of a massive wave. Emerald green eyes pleading in a familiar face distorted in a silent scream caught Quatre's eye. He cried out and was about to dive into the dark water when a well-known voice stopped him.
"I wouldn't do that!" it cried.
Quatre whirled around quickly and found Milliardo standing on the remains of the path that he had just left. His red coat had only a slight touch of gray to it and the gold embellishes were just beginning to turn silver. His pale blonde hair was faintly streaked with silver also as it fluttered in a strong gust.
As if reading Quatre's mind, Milliardo answered him, "Oh that, everything tends to lose its color here but I see you are doing quiet well."
"Why can't I go into the water?" Quatre cried out, "Trowa is out there I saw him there." He pointed to the spot where he saw his face and stared in increasing horror as pale pieces began to float to the surface. "No, he was just there. No!" he cried as he sank to his knees staring at the parts.
"It wasn't him, Quatre," Milliardo began in a pacifying tone, "What you see are those who are damned to the sea with land just out of reach. They'll never touch this shore."
"But it looked so much like him... just like him," he whimpered as he watched the waves.
"The face you saw was what they saw in your mind," he continued, "They can rationalize to a point and they understood that you would try to rescue one if it looked like him."
"Why aren't you in there with them?" Quatre asked looking at him again.
"Not everyone is damned to the same fate," he answered staring at the struggling mass sadly.
"What do you mean damned? This can't be hell. It's too..... too-." he stopped and stared despairingly at him as he clutched the worn bear close. He suddenly saw that the bear still retained all its color. No gray had touched its chestnut brown fur and blue ribbon.
"It is part of you. As long as you retain your will, you shall remain unchanged and so will the bear," Milliardo replied folding his arms, frowning slightly as another body went under the waves. His long hair waving in the wind as his blue eyes followed the white body's pieces float away.
"The gray has touched you," Quatre pointed out.
He sighed and looked at Quatre's face, "I am tiring. I have been here a long time and so have you. But unlike you, I have been awake. Trying to discover where the world went so wrong."
After no continuation, Quatre asked quietly, "What do you mean by wrong?"
"The world is dead, Quatre," Milliardo whispered, looking at the sea again. "You were just the first of the peace-keepers to die. Someone killed every pacifist that was in power. No one was left... who could stay man's downfall. That person wanted the world dead and he succeeded. What you see now is almost a perfect reflection of the wasteland of real life." His eyes stung with unshed tears as he stared at those he wished he could save in the raging surf. His hair went limp as he continued, "Even the colonies fell like burning stars to mother earth. No one survived. I know. I was in the last ship that was in space. I saw it all and died when my ship fell burning." His shoulders drooped slightly as he remembered all those people he had caused to die. Milliardo wondered how many came here after they died. He couldn't understand how even the children were here, all suffering some form of damnation. "Everyone is dead..."
Quatre stared at him, trying to let it all sink in.
Milliardo shook his head and abruptly asked, "Are you looking for him?"
"I think so but I still don't understand why I am here?" Quatre wondered aloud, "Is this my punishment? It feels so... so pointless."
"I felt the same. For a while I was just numb. I didn't really sink in just what my punishment was till I tried to change what is around me," Milliardo began, looking at him pitiably, "Quatre, I can't even make a leaf of grass bend. Nothing is affected by me. I am used to changing what I see as wrong and here that is impossible."
"You stopped me from jumping in. You did something," Quatre said quickly.
"You don't understand," he cried, hair flaring as a gust blew. He glanced at the sea again before continuing, "If you had gone in you would of become consumed with the desire to get ashore and would of forgotten what could truly torment you."
"What is that?" he asked him as he stood up trying to avoid touching the dark water.
No answer. Quatre glanced up at him and realized that Milliardo looked like he was going to cry. His eyes were red and his lips were but pale lines quivering in that beautiful face. His hair had gone limp again. Milliardo was clutching his sides as if trying to hold in a scream or refrain from collapsing.
He had turned a little grayer.
Milliardo's bottom lip trembled as he replied in a restrained voice, "I don't know whether or not to wish you luck in finding him. I'm not going to tell you why that would be too much. I caused far too many people to suffer and to tell you would cause you so much pain." He bite his lip. "I just can't stand seeing so much pain." He was staring at the striving damned in the waves again.
Quatre saw the red lose some more of it's luster as Milliardo's blonde hair became streaked with more silver. He was crying. Quatre had never seen this man cry before and the sight of it tore at him so deeply that he thought he was dying.
"No, you mustn't think that," Milliardo hissed suddenly. "You must never think of dying. Only concentrate on getting out of here. Don't let the misery get to you. Promise me this? Give me this much too hold onto before I too lose it here," he was begging and the tears were falling even faster.
"I will find him and leave this place. I promise that much," Quatre swore hastily. He could see the far off hills through Milliardo who was faltering and losing his color even faster. "No, don't go. Milliardo don't give up. I will go back and stop all of this. I swear I will!"
Milliardo was gone.
Quatre gazed in terror at the vacant spot where moments ago had stood one who had so much strength and hope. Now he was lost also.
The muted sound of the waves rose in volume as Quatre sank to his knees again. He absently thought that he seemed to do that a lot now. Always on his knees. Should he pray? For what? If this was hell, then he was beyond prayers, right? He closed his eyes and fell over unconscious into the sand barely out of reach of the greedy waves. (2)
***
"Why do you always sleep?" a child whispered.
"The dead don't sleep." another hissed.
"You should know that by now." both of them growled in their small voices.
The patter of feet and the sound of children singing flooded his ears:
"Ring around the rosy
Pocket full of poises
Ashes, ashes
We all fall down"
Quatre flung an arm up as if to ward off the noise and he rolled over on his back shouting at them, "No, go away."
"Away to where, we wonder," they sang in unison before he sank back into oblivion.
***
A beam of light pierced his groggy mind and he slowly rose up on one elbow covering his eyes with his other hand. The beam bounced a little as if seeking his attention as he turned his head away from it. When he finally looked straight at its source he saw one of the girls from earlier. She looked stretched as if she were reflected in a distorted mirror. She smiled brightly and waited for him to stand up before beckoning him to come.
Absently stroking the bear's head as he followed her down the beach, Quatre watched the sea-bound creatures take on the faces of every person he had ever cared about: the mother he never got to know, his sister, old teachers, Rashid, his father, the other pilots, and Trowa again. Disturbing. He felt tempted to go after them but thought suddenly of the girl and quickly averted his eyes away.
He was concentrating on the bounce of the girls hair as she walked to block out thoughts of the hideous sea. Strange how her color was so vibrant even though she still looked stretched. This wasn't the same girl from earlier, her hair had golden streaks and her dress was a pale pink.
For some time the traveled this way, she was leading and he was following her. Quatre was watching her every step so he could avoid thinking about the gray world he was in. At some point a little fleck of color flickered at the corner of his eye but he ignored it. Suddenly the speck was a familiar green figure in the distance. The distinct figure was walking away with a sad droop to his shoulders. It looked like Trowa.
As soon as this thought entered Quatre's mind, he started walking toward him. The figure in the distance started to run away.
"No! Trowa, it is me!" Quatre screamed and began to chase after him.
No matter how far he ran he wasn't getting any closer to him and every time Quatre saw his arm swing up to wave at him, he realized he was losing his color just as Milliardo did.
Quatre stopped and looked at her then back at the retreating figure. He suddenly felt that he wasn't going the right way and that the figure wasn't Trowa. Trowa would never run from him.
"That's not Trowa," he whispered and turned his back on the figure.
Suddenly Quatre was back in the garden and surrounded by the skeletons of trees once more. He saw the fountain he awoke at and that there was something there he hadn't seen before. A limp figure and a standing stone.
Quatre began to step forward, thinking this can't be. That can't be Trowa laying there on his left side. The closer he got the worse he felt. He knew it was Trowa. Trowa was dead.
He stared at him and slowly noticed an impression in the ashes next to him. Quatre realized that is where he woke up at and that he could see his footprints leading off to the distant rubble.
Quatre looked back at him and realized Trowa was curled around the bear. The same bear Quatre had been carrying around with him. He hugged it closer to himself and shook his head in denial till he saw a glitter of silver and gold in Trowa's left palm. The ring of roses surrounded by deep cuts from Trowa closing his fist tightly around it. Half-moon cuts with dried blood that pooled around that shining ring.
Abruptly Quatre stopped shaking his head. He looked at his hand and saw that the ring on his finger was a faint blur of gray. Quietly he said, "I am dead."
Carefully Quatre lowered himself next to Trowa and wrapped his arms around the stiff corpse. He kissed the hard, cold lips. So cold he thought and shivered as he remembered the frigid winds. He felt the cold once again.
"So you choose to be damned then," the gold-streaked girl whispered and began to fade as her image stretched even more. The last of the color drained from everything when she was finally gone. Quatre was a gray ghost now flicking as he started to fade slightly also.
Crying quietly he stroked Trowa's grief stricken face and stared at his cloudy eyes. He could barely tell they were emerald green. Gradually he noticed that Trowa had been staring fixedly at something as he died. Even in death he stared at it.
Quatre turned his head and saw his tombstone looming over him with his name inscribed, "Quatre Raberba Winner," followed by the date of his birth and death. This Quatre absorbed slowly and was about to turn away when he saw that another inscription was below the first one. It was polished smooth as if someone had ran their fingers over if very often. Only Trowa would of done that. The inscription read:
"I promise to wake, my love."
Quatre cried out and buried his head on Trowa's motionless shoulder sobbing.
"Don't worry. I am always here even if you can't tell, lovely one," he murmured smiling as he stroked Trowa's head and kissed his cold lips again. So cold. "Won't you come back? I woke up as I promised. Remember? Of course you remember other words you wouldn't be here. Hug me please, Trowa."
Nothing happened. He continued to sob and hugging him even tighter he wept, "You promised to hug me, Trowa. You promised to hug me whenever I wished. Hug me now, Trowa....
....please, hug me..."
Just as he said that everything turned black and shattered into countless glittering shards. Quatre was falling headfirst clinging to Trowa into the glistening void.
He saw the ring falling away and he snatched it. Quatre put it onto the finger Trowa had put it on earlier and hugged Trowa again as they continued to fall.
A gasping breath sounded in the silence, hissing between clinched teeth. It didn't echo.
Quatre was still crying as he spun farther into the darkness. He couldn't feel anything except for Trowa's hard body in his arms. Ashes stung his throat as he breathed and he could barely smell the familiar scent of Trowa, sandalwood and musk.
With a sudden thud, they both landed on a hill of sand. Quatre started rolling down its steep side clinging to Trowa still. The suns warmth could still be felt in the sand and the fragrance of the deep desert tickled his nose.
As they came to a halt at the hill's bottom, he saw the piercing stars in the sky. He couldn't remember seeing so many shining at once.
"Those are only the ones that have died already," said a monotone voice.
Turning his head several ways, Quatre finally saw a dim silhouette further up the hill. Slightly spiky hair topped him off. Hiro.
"You are here, too?" Quatre wondered out loud.
"We're not in hell if that's what you're saying." he replied coming closer. "You brought him with you. Why? He doesn't deserve it here."
"What do you mean he doesn't deserve it here?" Quatre demanded angrily, "Where is here?"
"Purgatory," he whispered. "Trowa is suppose to be in hell for what he did."
"Shouldn't you be there too," Quatre cried, "You have killed just as many or even more and you dare judge him."
Hiro glared at Trowa's motionless face and turned abruptly toward Quatre, growling, "I never killed the world."
Quatre was speechless and quickly he felt the anger rising in him. He couldn't believe Trowa would do that. He was a gundam pilot, a protector of the colonies and the world. It was Trowa who stopped him from destroying all the colonies. Trowa who drove him back to sanity with his sacrifice that he barely lived through. He saved Hiro when he did that.
"Only to kill us all later," Hiro muttered as he sat down still out of arms reach.
"Why would he do something like that, Hiro?" Quatre demanded stroking Trowa's hair absently.
Hiro snorted and said, "You died."
"I still don-" he started but Hiro cut him off.
"It is the tragic case of esteemed hero losing it when the loved one dies," Hiro said sharply, "One can see it in all cultures but unfortunately for us he destroyed the whole world when he tried to rejoin you."
"Why on such a scale then?" he asked, rubbing his ring.
"Maybe he hoped to kill God as he did it so he wouldn't be separated from you as punishment in the eternal."
Quatre shook his head violently, shouting through clenched teeth, "No! Trowa wouldn't do it. I just can't see him doing that to everyone just because I died. I refuse to."
The stiff body next to him shifted making Quatre jump suddenly. Dry, cold lips cracked open and whispered, "I did... it... I couldn't stand... to live without you... and.... everyone... to be so happy.." he gasped before continuing, "... so happy... when you were... dead.."
Tears spilled down Quatre's cheeks as he clung to Trowa, swaying both of them side to side, crying, "Please don't say that. Oh, please don't let it be true. Trowa, why didn't you trust me to return? I promised I would wake. I promised.."
The only part of Trowa that moved was his lips as he said, "I waited... so long... for you. So long and... and nothing happened. You stopped breathing..... Quatre, I cried and nothing happen... you were dead."
Quatre flung his head back and stared at the watching stars. Suddenly he screamed. On and on he screamed till his head spun.
"What do you scream for?" a calm voice asked curiously. Duo was here too. "I am not too sure he is listening much anymore. Considering every living thing he created in this world is dead. Ah, I see the damned is here too."
He stared at the braided pilot before noticing that Trowa was doing the same. Life and color was returning to his dead limbs and his cloudy eyes were clearing to reveal the emerald depths beneath. He placed a warming hand on Quatre's shoulder and meet Duo's level gaze.
"Pathetic that you two should choose now as a time to settle this, "Wufei shouted as he strode toward them. Everyone jumped a little at his sudden appearance. Reaching Duo, he continued, "I presume you want to be god of death again, don't you?"
"Where are you getting at?" Duo demanded narrowing his eyes.
"Do you really think all our gods or whoever you believe in would let one person end it all?" he asked looking at everyone in turn. "Maybe this is some sort of trial that we must overcome to get everything is back to normal."
"Should we try to find a way to reverse the end?" Duo wondered aloud as he sat down next to Hiro.
Quatre was trying to follow what they were saying but his chest felt heavy. He wanted to ask them a question that was nagging at him, but his breath was short. Finally he was able to say what had been at the edge of his tongue since the girls had left him, "Can we die after death?"
"What do you mean?" Wufei asked turning briskly toward him, "We are dead already. How can we die again?"
Quatre couldn't stay up and the pain was returning. He collapsed onto his side next to Trowa who put Quatre's head in his lap as he whispered loudly, "Six girls in white said all of you died when you went to hell."
"We did," Hiro replied coldly.
"Everyone who upheld an honorable cause died when they were sent to hell," Duo began, staring at the sand on the toe of his boot. "It could be called fate, I guess for our boldness in trying to play god. Some faded into nothingness while others went through their death again. Most never came back while some fled to another place, the void."
"Which some like to call purgatory," added Wufei.
Fighting for breath Quatre continued, "Is that how can you be here now? You fled your fate?"
"Yes," Hiro replied.
"And me? I only wanted to find Trowa," Quatre whispered faintly, "not to flee fate."
"Who said you were the one fleeing?" Duo said digging an angry toe in the sand.
He felt a droplet on his cheek; Trowa was crying. Quatre could see all the color had returned to Trowa's face and as he reached a hand up to touch his face, Quatre realized he could see through his gray hand. He didn't want to die. He couldn't remember dying the first time and he was terrified of the pain as it grew.
Trowa grasped Quatre's hand to the side of his face and let his tears touch Quatre's fading hand as he cried, "I never would of done it if I knew I would lose you a second time, my beauty."
Quatre tried to tell him that he wasn't dying, that it was just any other episode he had suffered but that beam of light had returned. He heard her voice singing a song,
"Ring around the rosy
Pocket full of poises
Ashes, ashes
We all fall down
Bring to me the lowly
Falling toward the holy
Ashes, ashes
We all go home"
Trowa was shaking him but all Quatre could think of was that was the verse his father sang to him once when he had asked about mother. He never understood it but he figured it meant she was where she belonged. Quatre wondered if he was going there or would he fade to nothingness as Duo said some did when they died.
Trowa was shaking him but not as strongly. Now it was like he was just rocking him, back and forth in the same rhythm he had rocked him earlier. Funny how things repeat themselves.
***
"Bring to me the lowly"
A faint melody swirled in the stifling warm darkness behind his eyelids. His skin itched in the sudden warmth under Trowa's heavy, winter sweater.
"Falling toward the holy"
The creaking of many trees swaying in a flower scented breeze reached his ears. A bird chirped nearby as something rustled off to his left.
"Ashes, ashes"
He could feel damp earth though his layers of clothing as the musky smell drifted under his nose. Quatre felt a soft rain fall on his face as he inhaled its precious scent.
"We all go home"
The melody ended and slowly he opened his eyes waiting for them to adjust to the shifting gloom. The thick tree branches swayed breaking the golden light rays as Quatre silently watched. Everything had color here.
Home. That would be nice. Also warm tea with milk and honey as the birds sing around the fountain. But most of all, thought Quatre, the knowledge that any second Trowa will come walking up him. . .
A beam of light shined into his eyes bringing him back out of his thoughts. The beam bounced across his face again and he headed toward it.
The light vanished abruptly as a child laughed in the trees ahead.
Quatre paused as at the sound and didn't move till he heard it again. The sound was further away this time like the child was running as it laughed.
He followed the its laugh through the woods at a jogging pace stopping every once in a while to check which direction the child was moving. Sometimes to his right or far ahead to the left. Once the laugh had sounded behind him making him whirl around totally puzzled.
Time wore on and he started to notice his surroundings more during the pursuit. The thick trees had thinned in numbers leaving small clearings for a riot of multicolored flowers to grow. Black rocks peeked out of the coverings of green moss and purple vines.
Suddenly Quatre noticed that there were no insects buzzing
The child laughed right next to him abruptly him spin making and stare around. His heart was pounding so loud he barely heard when it laughed again to his left.
There pink girl he had been following in hell was standing before him. She was looking amused at his startled look. Standing there in her pink dress and her blonde hair glowing in a ray of sunlight she watched him with those green eyes. Her pale feet were bare and smudged slightly with fresh earth. He noticed a white flower was stuck above her ear when she tilted her head to one side.
She walked up to him looking at him intently before grinning as she said, "My I did a lovely job creating you, my beauty." She patted his cheek and stepped back.
Her hand felt like being touched with a live wire while standing in water. Quatre felt fuzzy inside and weak-kneed as he tried to regain his bearings. Everything looked a little skewed like he was looking through a warped glass. Slowly everything started to change particularly the girl who now looked like a pillar of light to which countless beams of light extended from connecting to the trees which were now nothing but silhouettes of light.
Quatre was trying to figure out everything he was seeing but when she laughed again everything straightened itself out
"Hello, umm.. why are we here?" Quatre asked limply waving his hand at the trees and sky. He felt like that was the wrong question but also felt that she was the one to ask if he was going to learn anything more.
She cocked an eyebrow, looked around and laughed again before replying, "Is that really what you want to know?"
"You're right. It's not," he said sighing before continuing, "Since you seem to know more, one could say, about this whole situation, can you tell me why I was in hell?"
"Humm, where to begin?" she murmured digging a toe into the ground. "Well, I hate making nice people break promises they made especially when living so I let you follow till you fulfilled yours. You woke for him even if it was in hell. I felt it would be unfair since he kept his so tragically." The girl had gotten a dreamy look in her eyes when she said this last line.
"Unfair?" Quatre stared at her hard, saying, "Unfair is letting him kill himself with the world and letting them all go to that colorless inferno."
"Only those who deserved it went to hell, Quatre," she replied calmly. "You should know yourself how hard judging can be especially on such a large scale."
"Then why is Milliardo there?"
"He had once tried to destroy my world."
"No, he wanted to teach the earth to turn away from war by letting them feel the costs so well it couldn't be ignored," Quatre explained, "Problem was the price would of been too great for anyone to appreciate the lesson."
"So I've been corrected," she stated in a bored tone, "He tried to seriously hurt the world in the name of some ideal."
"Ideals is what you gave us to live by."
"I gave you a paradise and domain over my creatures. And how do you repay me? You break the one command I gave you even when I said death would happen if you did so. I was kind. I only kicked out." She smiled sweetly.
"Yeah and punished all of mankind from there on. Talk about carrying a grudge. A truly loving and forgiving god aren't you," Quatre sneered darkly. He had a feeling now of why Duo was so sarcastic. When you didn't have anything polite to say, it felt just as good to be sarcastic as hell. (3)
"That is quiet out of line especially for you, Quatre," she said in a firm tone. "Think more before making assumptions. You who thinks so highly of your ideals that you force them on others. Be it by violence, reason, or just shear repetition, you drill your beliefs on others."
"You do it too," Quatre argued, "You've done it for thousands of years. Why can't you look at how you act before expecting everyone to be faultless? You expect too much if you yourself will not be rational."
"I've never wanted something rational," she cried, "I wanted only somewhere to be happy and at peace. A beautiful place to call my own but you humans are a corruption. Making you different than the rest of my creation and giving you freewill has gone to your heads. So what if I don't measure up to your expectations. I get too involved with you silly creatures and your day to day dramas. Its so hard to constantly be watching every move you all make. People never comprehend how much they influence their surroundings till its too late. With each generation's advancement, mankind makes it easier and easier to totally tip the balance of life. No ones is totally powerful. Even I tire with each no life to provide for and each ending life to guide. Its so much." (4)
Quatre stood there staring at her. Her, the god whose world is dead. "Don't you want your world to live?"
She glared at him and hissed, "Why, so they can kill themselves all over again?"
"No," he replied, "Let them have another chance."
"And do you know what I see in the future of this world if I do that? I see a grim decline to total annihilation," her blue eyes glittering.
He ran a shaking hand through his hair and looked down at his other hand which was still clutching the bear. This little object means so much to him but what if it was the world he clutched to his chest. What would he feel to suddenly discover it died in his care. His eyed burned with unshed tears. Quatre felt a wrenching tug in his chest and his knees gave out. He collapsed hard on the moist earth as he felt the wrenching worsen and distort all thoughts in his head. Everything felt like it was falling apart.
"Now, you know how I feel," she whispered in an icy voice stepping closer to him.
He clenched his fists and remembered the bear and the promise of Trowa's
Quatre struggled to his feet gasping and flung his arms around in a tight embrace. She strove to free herself of him but he only tightened his arms. He buried his face into her shoulder and waited for her to calm down.
She stared at his lowered head and reached a trembling hand up to stroke the disheveled hair. The girl smiled slightly and murmured, "You always want to be hugged when you can't think of anything or you're just plain confused. You are so much like me, my poor, lost beauty. In so much pain and oh, so sad. In your life you were always struggling, be it war or that final, agonizing disease. Why do you fight to continue?"
Tears escaped Quatre's eyes as he sought for words, "How would one know to enjoy the sweet if you never knew the bitter. I would suffer all the pain and confusion to be felt if it meant I could still see the joys of even the littlest things. Those always make it worth the effort. Do you not understand how without the struggles we suffer we would know not love when we found it?"
He was sobbing heavily into her shoulder as she continued to stoke his hair. Her eyes were closed and her hand no longer trembled.
"You would suffer your disease forever if it meant you could be with Trowa? Would you even suffer all hell holds to see the world survive with him alive also?" she whispered into his ear softly. As he nodded she began to sing:
"Ring around the rosy
Pocket full of poises
Ashes, ashes
We all fall down
Bring to me the lowly
Falling toward the holy
Ashes, ashes
We all go home
Sing of the sad boy
Who once was so coy
Ashes, ashes
We all lose hope
See the fears falling
Sad tears calling
Ashes, ashes
We all rise again"
Quatre felt a shiver down his spine when she gripped his hair and pulled him off her saying, "What would be the worse thing hell could hold for you? What would make you change your mind? Can you tell me this?"
Still kneeling all he could do was stare at her as his blank mind spun in circles about the thought of the bear in his hand. The precious gift from Trowa. His mind spun faster as he remembered the time he had lost the bear after its ear ripped. For days he searched frantically around the mansion looking for it till Trowa came back and handed it to him with its ear sown back on. Quatre remembered crying on his shoulder about how worried he was about losing it and the laugh Trowa made before saying he wondered what would happen if Quatre lost him..
"Losing your bear?" she asked in an aggravated tone, "That is all you care about?"
"No," he sighed, "Trowa."
"Ah, the most condemned is your most cherished. Why?"
"He didn't give up on me when all others did."
"Saving you from one bout of insanity instantly redeems him of all further wrong."
"No, he knew that in all the havoc that was me, there was the ability to do good still. This he sought and found when no one else could."
"You believe this exists also in him?"
"How else would hell torment him if he couldn't yearn to right his wrongs."
"Do you want me to give him a second chance?"
Quatre fought back a hysterical laugh and replied, "Of course."
She extended her hand and said, "Come."
He rose to his feet and took her hand following her deeper into the woods. The trees faded into the encroaching fog as the ground turned rocky. The air grew chilly and dry as all the forest noises stopped. They halted at a sheer cliff edge.
Her voice was firm as she said, "Look down and take in what you see."
Quatre peered over the edge and saw the sea of damned souls crashing into the cliffs base. So many of them took on the forms of his loved ones but the wrong, bitter feeling in his gut told him they were impostors. He could not stand the thought of ever being one of those hopeless creatures striving for eternity for an unreachable goals.
She spoke again in the same tone, "Now look behind you."
He turned around toward the direction they had come from and saw the trees had turned a soft, golden color. The fog revealed more of the welcoming landscape the longer he stared at it. He felt an unbearable longing to run toward those trees and lounge in the warmth they emitted.
"If you seek Trowa you must step forward," she said.
He tore his eyes away from the trees to her firm face. He felt an immediate repulsion at the thought of falling into those condemned waves especially compared to the warmth behind him.
"Choose."
He wanted to forget everything he fought for and go into the trees. He started for the trees but an image of dead eyes once emerald flooded his mind. Trowa was worth that hell.
Quatre spun around and dove off the cliff into the waves. Immediately he felt the creatures grab him, pulling him deeper into the depths. The darkness rolled over him in waves and the cold water tore all his warmth away. He clutched his bear to his chest and his mind was cleared of all thoughts except for that last image of Trowa. Of those dead eyes. He wanted to see them emerald again.
***
"Sleeping beauty, wake up," a voice murmured into Quatre's ear in rhythm with the icy waves that he was floating in.
Quatre opened his eyes seeking the source only to see the cloudy sky rolling in high winds. Nothing else moved as he called out in a faint voice, "Is that you Trowa?"
He heard a low chuckle and recognized Wufei before he spoke to Quatre again, "No, but I had a feeling that would wake you faster."
Quatre still could not locate where he was speaking from as he craned his neck while trying not to get water in his face. "Where are you?"
"One could say fate caught up with us," he whispered sadly.
"What do you mean?"
"I think Hiro was the only one of us who knew we really wouldn't be allowed to stay in purgatory long."
"Where are the others?"
"In their places. Hiro could of gone above but he choose to stay with Duo."
"Why would she condemn Duo?"
"Why would she condemn you? We saw her take you away."
"Trowa."
"Why him?"
"Ask God. She knows."
"Then look for him."
"I am," Quatre could almost feel Wufei rise an eyebrow at that. "I am waiting for the girls to come pester me first. They always seem to know where to find him."
"They will not come, the damned watchers. They try to get those who belong elsewhere out of here not those who choose to be here."
"How do you know so much about them?" Quatre frowned slightly.
"Duo is now one of them."
"Would he help me find him?" his eyebrows shot up.
"Depends on if it compromises your damnation," Wufei's voice was fading.
"I am not damned just looking for Trowa," Quatre struggled in the water in the direction of the fading voice.
"Have you looked at yourself lately?" his voice disappeared leaving Quatre staring at the distant coastline of gray. Slowly he looked down at himself and saw that the white creatures not only took all his warmth, he was now one of them. Vaguely human shaped and white as a sun-bleached bone.
Quatre gave a throat wrenching scream and let himself sink deeper into the waves cold embrace.
***
The crashing of surf accompanied by harsh cries woke Quatre from his dismal slumber. Stretching his cramped hand that was still clutching the bear, he realized he was near the beach he was at earlier.
This time instead of himself standing on the sandy shore, he saw the faint form of Milliardo crying still. He was watching Quatre bob in the waves.
Quatre desperately wanted to reach him but the thought of being smashed by the surf into formless pieces.
Looking at the beach in growing despair he saw a familiar figure approaching along the same path he had traveled earlier. There was bit of color in him. His eyes were emerald again.
Quatre flung himself forward striving to get to the beach but as he struggled he saw Trowa fade slightly. Fade the same way Milliardo did.
He let out a straggled cry and forced himself closer to shore hoping to reach Trowa before he disappeared.
Suddenly a wave smashed into him and shattered him literally against the bottom. His scream was cut short as what was left of him reformed and strove for the shore again and again only to be smashed repetitively.
Quatre stopped striving as he realized he would never reach his Trowa. He let himself go limp and watched with mild interest as the bear once so full of color was a soggy gray. It sunk out of view only to be pushed up and away by the waves toward the shore. A far reaching wave splashed it on to the sand beach at the feet of the almost invisible Trowa.
Quatre let his eyes slide close and the current drag his vague body deeper into its clutches.
Somewhere in a detached part of his mind he heard the golden headed girl whisper again, "So you choose to be damned then."
'Yes,' thought Quatre, "... pointless from the beginning... it all was..."
A faint image of pale golden rays slipping over a desert horizon. Gradually the image included the faint feeling of warmth as the feeling that Trowa was near increased. He began to feel warm and pretended for a moment that he was with Trowa again and they were on his balcony looking at the sunrise. That they were wrapped up together in his overstuffed comforter enjoying the warmth of each other. Quatre could feel Trowa's hand rubbing his back and feel him kiss the top of his head like he does all the time.
"Don't worry. I am always here even if you can't tell, lovely one," Trowa murmured.
Quatre shoved the memory from his mind and tried to let his dead body sink deeper but realized suddenly that he was rising instead. Rising in the arms of someone.
When his head broke the waters surface he smelt the familiar scent of sandalwood and musk that he knew so dearly to be the scent of Trowa.
He crashed onto the shore still held in those well-known arms. Quatre felt his limp form being gently rolled over by trembling hands.
Emerald eyes spilling over with tears stared into Quatre's white face. Trowa placed a hand against Quatre's cheek and swallowed a painful sob.
Quatre knew what Trowa was feeling with his trembling hands, dead, cold skin. Trowa was staring into clouded eyes that only Quatre knew were not dead.
Suddenly Trowa shook Quatre by the shoulders and crushed him against his chest in a despairing embrace.
Quatre felt the bear against his chest and realized the bear was the center of the embrace. The bear that has gone everywhere with him is now with him again with his Trowa as if the bear had brought his beloved back to him.
Closing his eyes he breathed a deep sigh and wrapped his arms around his Trowa feeling the warmth spread through him. Even the air seemed warmer as Trowa tighten his embrace and cried hard against Quatre's shoulder.
A bright light flashed across Quatre's closed eyes several times before he took notice and peeked out. To his surprise they were back in the garden under the tree. Everything was awash in color and above he could hear birds chattering cheerfully. The fountain was bubbling peacefully as more birds were playing in its depths.
Trowa pulled back and looked Quatre in the eyes as the tears continued down his face. His green eyes sparkled in the reflected sun rays as he smiled, "I saved you, my beauty."
Quatre laughed and said, "Once again you did." He saw a swath of white in the corner of his eye and turned to see God standing there by the fountain. Trowa did not notice her as he embraced Quatre again.
She was smiling sadly as she whispered into Quatre's ear, "He knew he could of become like you in the waves if he went in but he dived in any ways. He was praying aloud as he struggled toward you. Praying that if I let him save you and be with you just long enough to embrace that he would suffer all of hell without regretting it. You two think so much alike when you're faced with such odds."
Quatre stroked Trowa's back and thought to her, 'I wouldn't desert him a third time.'
She laughed and put a hand into the fountain's water as she replied, "How would one know to enjoy the sweet if you never knew the bitter." A small bird approached her submerged hand. She lifted her hand out of the water toward it and stoked it under the beak before continuing, "The disease I will rid you of. You shall remember all of this but they shall not. Your Trowa proved that the most damned can still strive for good even if it could never happen. Also that I know now how dear my creation is even if it tend to be self-destructive." She laughed and faded from his view.
Quatre continued trying to let it sink in what she said. He shivered and noticed his shirt was still wet. Water was dripping from his hair. Cold glistening droplets fell down his nose.
He could feel Trowa was wet also. Feeling a bit disoriented, Quatre felt Trowa release him. He leaned against the tree as Quatre watched him rub his eyes as a confused look crossed his face.
She had cleared his memory.
In the distance Quatre could see to figures angrily chasing another who was giggling loudly. One of the pursuers gave a triumphant growl and grabbed the giggling one. He pinned him to the ground while the other one came up with a bucket of water and poured it on the pinned person.
Quatre rubbed his eyes and leaned forward away from the tree to watch them closer. He realized it was Duo getting up from the ground where Hiro had held him down with his knees. A dripping Wufei had the bucket and was laughing as he dodged an angry Duo who was even wetter. Hiro was clutching his sides as he laughed at him.
"Hello, sleeping beauty," Trowa mumbled as wrapped his arms around Quatre's waist and kissed his cheek. "I thought you were going to sleep the afternoon away."
Quatre turned quickly around and gave Trowa a tight embrace. As he suddenly kissed him, Trowa blinked in surprise.
"I love you so much, Trowa," he said quickly before settling down next him with his arms still wrapped tightly around him.
"Does this mean you are over your home sickness?" Trowa asked softly looking him in the eye.
Quatre figured it must of been the look of utter confusion that made him laugh so hard. It took him a long time to calm him down enough to ask, "Me homesick with you sitting here by my side? Never will I be, Trowa, as long as I have your love."
Trowa kissed him and picked him up suddenly. He carried him briskly toward the fountain and said in a-bad-attempt-at-serious tone, "Should I punish you for making me worry so much?"
Quatre quickly figured out what he was going to do and before he could stop him Trowa had let go. Quatre hastily grabbed hold of Trowa and pulled him in with him.
The water was deliciously cold as they both sank the two feet to its bottom. Trowa pulled Quatre close and kissed him fiercely before they surfaced.
"I guess I deserved that," Trowa muttered before laughing again.
Quatre heard Duo first before he felt him dunk him in again as Hiro did the same to Trowa. They came sputtering to the surface and angrily splashed the two pilots till everyone was soaked and laughing so hard they couldn't splash anymore.
Trowa climbed out and helped Quatre onto the grass where the other three were basking in the sun with their tops off. Duo was bragging about dunking Quatre loudly and laughing as the two approached still dripping.
Trowa stripped his shirt off and flung it into the unsuspecting face of Duo who then commenced to curse him in a very colorful language. Trowa sat down laughing as Hiro chuckled quietly and pulled Duo down by his braid to shut him up with a smothering kiss.
"Thank you, Hiro. I enjoy clean air," Wufei said right before Duo smacked him with Trowa's shirt.
Quatre laid down next to Trowa and laughed. From hell to heaven to hell again and here is where the joy is. In the simple satisfaction of living with the little joys.
By: Ange Colère 1. Snappy I know and grouchy and a severe complainer. It is instinct in the morning. Lets see you be extra cheery 24-7. It can be a living hell. 2. You guessed right: he sure collapses a lot. 3 Yes yes I know it is out of character but just think of what he had to put up with and that girl isn't being the funniest person to converse with. 4. One cannot expect anyone to be all powerful especially when they have lost something very dear. And yes I know she is pessimistic. Author's note: Humph, is all I gotta say at this moment. Okay I put a lot of effort into this considering I stayed up to all hours working from the time I woke till I slept for a few days in a row till I go so feed up I gave it a choppy ending where Quatre just wakes up after blacking out in the desert and all that was wrong was he had homesickness. But my friends liked the story so much (before the corny ending) that I revised it. Funny thing is that it just kept getting longer each time I tried to end it. And then we just had to read Genisis in English and discuss it along with other religious writings. So that played a wonderful undercurrent of emotion while writing this. I ended it with a laugh though and man do I feel better. "I've never wanted something rational." ~ Alantis Morset Funny how things repeat themselves.
I pity you for reading this but I hoped you at least learned something. Other than how long I can go on and on and on.
But honestly, did you learn something?