A/N: More setup. Sorry if Chapters 1 to 3 look a bit rushed…I don't like setup. I want to get to the good stuff. Argh!
2. Emotions Unleashed
Harry emerged from the Ministry car as it parked in-between Numbers 11 and 13 Grimmauld Place. Harry looked around briefly for signs of Muggles, then thought of the words on parchment he saw almost a year ago to the date. Soon, Number 12 Grimmauld Place shimmered into view. Harry followed the others as they walked in, dragging his trunk behind him. Harry stood in the entranceway, preparing himself for the onslaught of emotions that would hit him from seeing Sirius' home. To his relief, nothing came. The foyer looked the same as when he last left with Sirius' mother's portrait hidden behind a curtain and a sense of gloom permeating throughout.
"Who else is here?" he asked idly.
"No one right now," Moody replied. "We don't have a meeting tonight."
"The Weasleys are staying at the Burrow. The Ministry erected a number of protective wards around their home; they were very obliging once they finally fessed up that You-Know-Who is back," Lupin added.
Harry felt a little sad at the news; while he was happy that the Weasleys would be safe, it seemed to make for a boring and lonely stay. "Is anyone staying here besides me?"
"Well, I'm staying here, and people drop by all the time," said Lupin. "Hermione should be arriving soon."
"Hermione?" Harry asked.
Lupin nodded. "Normally she would be at the Burrow, but it's become rather crowded there lately with all the Weasley children home. She'll spend the rest of the summer here."
Harry nodded, unsure how to take the news. Normally, he would be happy that one of his best friends would be staying at Grimmauld Place, but part of him wished that it would be the redheaded one. Hermione was wonderful, to be sure, but she would almost certainly ask him about Sirius and how he was feeling; Ron would simply talk about Quidditch and other "safer" things. Something else Lupin said registered. "All the Weasley children? Including Percy?"
Tonks nodded. "He finally clued-in into what we've been saying all along. It's hard to deny You-Know-Who's back when his own boss finally admits the truth. Some of the boys are giving him a hard time, but Molly and Arthur are happy."
Harry nodded, happy for the Weasleys. "Well, I think I'll go unpack now," he said, trudging up the stairs to the room he shared with Ron last year. He tried to ignore the worried eyes that followed him up the stairs.
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Harry sat at his desk, reading his Charms textbook. He hadn't come out of his room since he unpacked, unwilling to face the pitying looks of the others. A knock on the door interrupted his reading.
"Harry? Are you in there?" Hermione's voice called out.
Harry looked up, torn between happiness at the sound of her voice and reluctance to endure her well-intentioned questions. But Harry knew he couldn't keep her waiting outside his door, so he got up and opened the door. Hermione stood in the hallway, her face displaying her own mixture of emotions – the happiness and concern for him. They looked at each other for a moment, before Harry broke the silence. "Hi Hermione."
"Oh Harry!" Hermione cried out, then enveloped him in a hug. Harry had expected this (after all, she was the hugging-type) and hugged his friend back, though with less enthusiasm. "Have you been inside your room since you got here? C'mon, let's get something to eat," she said, grabbing hold of his hand and leading him downstairs. There, Tonks and Lupin were preparing a lunch of sandwiches as they entered.
Conversation was stilted throughout lunch, as no one quite knew how to talk to Harry. He wasn't sure what they were expecting, but it was clear that no one had expected to see a Harry that wasn't overly emotional. Harry looked up as Hermione coughed, her hand held against her chest. In a sudden rush, Harry felt an emotion he hadn't felt in a long while, or at least an emotion he had been suppressing: guilt. With a startling clarity, Harry remembered that moment in the Department of Mysteries when Dolohev's curse struck Hermione down, when Harry thought she had been killed because of his foolishness. Harry felt the sting of tears forming in his eyes, and he quickly quelled his rise of emotions as he surreptitiously wiped at his eyes. From that moment on, Harry found it difficult to look Hermione in the eyes.
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Two nights later, Lupin asked Harry to meet him in the library after dinner. Hermione was there when he walked in, the two of them looking at him intently.
"What's going on?" Harry asked, his suspicion growing.
Lupin glanced at Hermione before speaking. "We need to talk, Harry. You need to talk. It's not healthy keeping everything bottled up inside."
"Talk? What do I need to talk about?"
"About Sirius," Lupin replied. "About Sirius, about your dreams, about everything that happened at the Department of Mysteries."
"And why do I need to talk about that?" Harry asked calmly. "I think I'm dealing with everything that's happened just fine."
"Fine?" Hermione spoke for the first time. "Do you honestly think that you're acting fine? You're acting nothing like the Harry I know."
"And how would you want me to act?" Harry said, his anger rising. "What do you want from me? Do you want me to sit here and cry my eyes out, or scream and yell out about the unfairness of it all?" he demanded.
"Yes!" Hermione cried. "We just want you to show some emotion, any emotion. Not be this emotionless robot you've become." Harry just snorted and looked away. They were silent for a long moment before Hermione spoke again. "What did I do, Harry? Why won't you talk to me?"
Harry turned to face her, still not able to meet her eyes. "You didn't do anything, Hermione."
"Then why won't you look at me anymore?"
Harry forced himself to look at her in the eyes, where he saw her confusion and hurt. Despite everything, Harry knew he would do anything to take away her pain. "It's not you, Hermione. It's…it's me," he said haltingly.
"What do you mean? What is it, Harry?" she asked softly.
Harry fought to find the words. "Every time I see you, I remember. I remember what happened…at the Department of Mysteries…" Harry's words faltered.
"Oh Harry," Hermione sighed, crossing the room and enveloping Harry in another hug, less fierce than the first but more tender.
"It's just that…you almost died Hermione," Harry continued, as a tear escaped his eye. "And it would be all my fault. It is all my fault that you were hurt, that everyone was hurt and that Sirius died."
"No!" Lupin said as Hermione hugged Harry tighter. "It's not your fault, Harry. Don't ever think that. It's You-Know-Who's fault. He's the cause of all of this."
"And it was our choice, Harry," Hermione said into his ear. "We knew the risks, we chose to follow you."
Harry shook his head angrily, tears falling freely now. "It's not enough! People keep getting hurt or dying because of me! You don't know what that feels like!"
"Please, Harry," Hermione pleaded. "Please believe us when we tell you that no one blames you. No one thinks that this is your fault. We love you, and we'd follow you no matter where you go. Sirius wouldn't regret his decision to follow after you, and I know I don't." Harry held Hermione tightly as his body was wracked with sobs. All the emotion he had buried over the summer seemed to pour forth at once, taking away his ability to talk. Hermione just held him, whispering soothing words in his ear. Eventually, Harry broke free of her embrace and wiped at his eyes.
"I'm sorry," he said, embarrassed over his tears. "I-"
"There's nothing to be sorry, or ashamed, about Harry," Lupin said. "Here," he said, offering Harry a bottle. Harry took the bottle and looked at the label.
"Fire whiskey?" he asked, surprised.
Lupin smiled. "I know your underage, but I think the situation calls for it," he said, taking the bottle back and taking a long pull. To Harry's astonishment, Hermione took the bottle from Lupin and took a long drink herself, coughing afterwards.
"Your turn," she said, once she was able to recover her voice, handing the bottle to Harry.
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Harry awoke the next morning with a pounding headache. Harry and Hermione had stayed up until late into the night, finishing off the bottle of fire whiskey and listening to Lupin tell tales of Sirius and the Marauders. Harry was surprised that Hermione, by-the-books Hermione, would drink fire whiskey, until he realized that she was doing so for him. It made him appreciate just how much she meant to him. After Tonks let them suffer for a minute, in retaliation for excluding her, she cast a quick charm on Harry and Hermione to take away the headache. The rest of their stay at 12 Grimmauld Place went more smoothly. Although they never spoke again about Sirius or the Department of Mysteries, Harry had somewhat returned to his normal self, and that was good enough for everyone.