The Knights of Tortall and the Holy Grail
By Our Lady of Infinite Flamingos
Caspian Nyghtvision
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Disclaimer: (HERALD wanders in with TRUMPET. Blows TRUMPET and unrolls SCROLL.) Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye. As of today, no penguins shall be allowed within the palace grounds. Be it also of note that Nyghtvision owns nothing, nada, zip, zero, zilch, and all those good things too, except for various random kinds of fowl. She doth not own Monty Python, whose plot she brazenly swipeth. She doth not own Tamora Pierce, whose characters she merrily tortureth. In fact, she doth not own much at all, and is -- (HERALD is promptly squashed by a GIANT FOOT, which NYGHTVISION doth not own.)
Author Note: This is only the prologue. This is not the plot. Bear with me.
=============================
Prologue: Some Trouble With the Credits
=============================
(Dramatic music swells and mist swirls as the credits appear.)
STARRING.....
King Jonathan of Conte, usurping the role of............... KING ARTHUR
Roger of Conte, usurping the role of........ ROGER THE SHRUBBER
(Why not try a holiday in New Hampshire this year?)
Raoul of Goldenlake, usurping the role of................. SIR LANCELOT
(See the Old Man in the Mountain)
The Goddess, playing the role of................ HERSELF
(Which incidentally fell off the mountain and is now just a big pile of rocks)
Daine Sarrasri, usurping the roles of............. 1ST SOLDIER WITH A KEEN INTEREST IN BIRDS, THE WITCH, SOME OTHER THINGS TOO
(A rock once fell on my kid sister)
Lady Knight Keladry, usurping the roles of.......... 2ND SOLDIER WITH A KEEN INTEREST IN BIRDS, DENNIS, LARGE PERSON WITH DEAD BODY, AND A FEW OTHER THINGS
(No, seriously, she was trying to carve her initials in it with an electronic interspace toothbrush given to her by a respected New Hampshire dentist named Bob, who was tragically killed when a moose devoured him for sustenance)
Stefan the Horse Guy, usurping the role of ........... CONCORDE (SIR LANCELOT'S TRUSTY STEED)
(Don't listen to those people who say moose are herbivorous)
Lady Uline, usurping the role of................... EITHER PIGLET OR WINSTON
Lady Delia, usurping the role of....................EITHER WINSTON OR PIGLET
(They've got great bloody slavering fangs -- wait, who are you people? What are you doing -- GAH! LET GO! You'll never take me aliiiiiiiiiiiiive!)
(SACK)
We apologize for the fault in the credits. Those responsible have been sacked.
(Freedom of speech! I have freedom of speech! Let go of me, curse you!)
(SACK)
We apologize for the further fault in the credits. Those responsible for sacking those who were just sacked, have been sacked.
(You're just covering up for the mooooooooose!)
(SACK. Thud. Squeak. Sounds of body being dragged off. Loud splash as if something was dumped in a river.)
We once again apologize for the credits, and would like to assure you that moose are herbivorous creatures, moose don't live in New England to begin with, moose are an endangered species anyway, moose are extinct, and there never was such a creature as a moose. We suggest you seek treatment as quickly as possible.
-------------------------------------------------
NEXT ON 'THE KNIGHTS OF TORTALL AND THE HOLY GRAIL;'
A riveting discussion involving sparrows and coconuts, Bring Out Your Dead, and possibly the Constitutional Peasants if I get the time...
By Our Lady of Infinite Flamingos
Caspian Nyghtvision
----------------------------------------
Disclaimer: (HERALD wanders in with TRUMPET. Blows TRUMPET and unrolls SCROLL.) Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye. As of today, no penguins shall be allowed within the palace grounds. Be it also of note that Nyghtvision owns nothing, nada, zip, zero, zilch, and all those good things too, except for various random kinds of fowl. She doth not own Monty Python, whose plot she brazenly swipeth. She doth not own Tamora Pierce, whose characters she merrily tortureth. In fact, she doth not own much at all, and is -- (HERALD is promptly squashed by a GIANT FOOT, which NYGHTVISION doth not own.)
Author Note: This is only the prologue. This is not the plot. Bear with me.
=============================
Prologue: Some Trouble With the Credits
=============================
(Dramatic music swells and mist swirls as the credits appear.)
STARRING.....
King Jonathan of Conte, usurping the role of............... KING ARTHUR
Roger of Conte, usurping the role of........ ROGER THE SHRUBBER
(Why not try a holiday in New Hampshire this year?)
Raoul of Goldenlake, usurping the role of................. SIR LANCELOT
(See the Old Man in the Mountain)
The Goddess, playing the role of................ HERSELF
(Which incidentally fell off the mountain and is now just a big pile of rocks)
Daine Sarrasri, usurping the roles of............. 1ST SOLDIER WITH A KEEN INTEREST IN BIRDS, THE WITCH, SOME OTHER THINGS TOO
(A rock once fell on my kid sister)
Lady Knight Keladry, usurping the roles of.......... 2ND SOLDIER WITH A KEEN INTEREST IN BIRDS, DENNIS, LARGE PERSON WITH DEAD BODY, AND A FEW OTHER THINGS
(No, seriously, she was trying to carve her initials in it with an electronic interspace toothbrush given to her by a respected New Hampshire dentist named Bob, who was tragically killed when a moose devoured him for sustenance)
Stefan the Horse Guy, usurping the role of ........... CONCORDE (SIR LANCELOT'S TRUSTY STEED)
(Don't listen to those people who say moose are herbivorous)
Lady Uline, usurping the role of................... EITHER PIGLET OR WINSTON
Lady Delia, usurping the role of....................EITHER WINSTON OR PIGLET
(They've got great bloody slavering fangs -- wait, who are you people? What are you doing -- GAH! LET GO! You'll never take me aliiiiiiiiiiiiive!)
(SACK)
We apologize for the fault in the credits. Those responsible have been sacked.
(Freedom of speech! I have freedom of speech! Let go of me, curse you!)
(SACK)
We apologize for the further fault in the credits. Those responsible for sacking those who were just sacked, have been sacked.
(You're just covering up for the mooooooooose!)
(SACK. Thud. Squeak. Sounds of body being dragged off. Loud splash as if something was dumped in a river.)
We once again apologize for the credits, and would like to assure you that moose are herbivorous creatures, moose don't live in New England to begin with, moose are an endangered species anyway, moose are extinct, and there never was such a creature as a moose. We suggest you seek treatment as quickly as possible.
-------------------------------------------------
NEXT ON 'THE KNIGHTS OF TORTALL AND THE HOLY GRAIL;'
A riveting discussion involving sparrows and coconuts, Bring Out Your Dead, and possibly the Constitutional Peasants if I get the time...