The Knights of Tortall and the Holy Grail
By Nyghtvision
====================================================
Disclaimer: HERALD refuses to come out, claiming that he is dead. Instead I will leave you to fill it in at your leisure. I do not own Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and I do not own Tamora Pierce. However, I have the Pythons locked in my closet and Pierce in my sock drawer. Thus I have every right to maul the characters and concepts in any way I see fit. I do own Random Pyro, though.
====================================================
Author Note: Have skipped "Black Knight" bit as I don't think it's very funny and couldn't think of a way to do it. (Tried writing it with Yumiko and Kaddar fighting with giant plastic salad forks but it still wasn't funny.) So we move immediately to Sir Bedevere and 'Burn the Witch,' which is altogether funnier and it has Daine in it. Plus you can hear a swallow in the background -- Oooh!
======================================================
SCENE FIVE
======================================================
"Isn't it Scene Four?"
"Shut up. If you want to be director then go ahead."
We open the next scene in a village...
...
A bunch of Mithran priests wandered through the town, chanting in Latin.
"Pie Iesu domine... dona eis requiem," they intoned, cracking themselves on the heads with wooden boards. "Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem." CRACK
The convoy of priests passed a group of villagers who were dragging a young woman through the streets. She had wavy brown hair, blue-gray eyes, was dressed as a witch and had a turnip tied to her nose. She also looked deeply annoyed. They dragged her up to a shoddily built stagelike thing in the center of town.
The short, redheaded knight on the podium looked on in interest, lifting up the visor of her helmet so she could see better. The villagers tugged their forelocks and mumbled until one of them came forward.
"Sir Alanna, we have found a witch. May we burn her?" asked Ozorne hopefully.
"A witch! A witch! Burn the witch!" the other villagers cheered.
"How do you know she's a witch?" Alanna asked, ignoring the fact that most of the villagers (Ozorne, Alex, Blayce and Joren among others) had been killed off by the Holy Lady in various books.
"She looks like one!"
"Yes, she does!"
"Burn the witch!"
"Yay! Burn! Burn! Burn!" cheered a random pyro.
"Bring her forward," Sir Alanna commanded.
The villagers pushed and dragged Daine forward until she stood at the head of the crowd. "I am not a witch!" she protested. "I am not a witch! I'm a mage!"
"Witch, mage, same diff," said a random villager.
"Burn the witch!" Random Pyro yelled.
"I'm not a witch!"
"But you are dressed as one," Sir Alanna pointed out.
"They dressed me up like this!" Daine cried.
"We didn't, we didn't!"
"This is not my nose," Daine stated, "It's a false one."
Alanna pulled off the turnip and nodded. She turned back to the villagers, "Well?"
"Well..."
"We did do the nose," Blayce admitted.
"The nose?" Alanna encouraged.
"And the hat. But she is a witch!" Alex shouted.
"A witch, a witch, burn the witch!" started up again. Daine rolled her eyes and sat down.
"Did you dress her up like this?" Sir Alanna persisted.
"Um... yes... no... a bit... yes... well, she has got a wart."
"It's not a wart," Daine muttered sulkily, pulling acne medication and a compact out of her pocket. She started slathering foul-smelling cream on the 'wart.'
"Why do you think she is a witch?" Sir Alanna asked.
There was a brief moment of consternation among the villagers.
"She turned me into a newt," Blayce shouted decisively.
Alanna looked at him. "A newt?"
Blayce looked down at his very un-newt-y self for some time. "I got better."
Random Pyro shouted, "Burn her anyway!"
The other villagers took up the chant. "Burn her, burn her, burn the witch..."
"Quiet! Quiet!" Sir Alanna held up a commanding hand. The villagers fell silent. "There are other ways of telling if she is a witch."
(There was a dramatic clatter of coconuts as King Jon rode into the village, followed by Wyldon-Patsy. They hung back at the edge of the crowd and watched the proceedings in interest.)
"There are?" a villager responded.
"Tell up."
"What are they, wise Sir Alanna?"
"Burn her!" shouted Random Pyro, but was quickly hushed.
"Tell me, what do you do with witches?" Sir Alanna asked.
The reply was unanimous, "BURN THEM!"
"And what do you burn, apart from witches?" Sir Alanna continued.
This threw the villagers off for a moment, and they looked around blankly. Finally a platinum blonde stuck his hand in the air and shouted, "Wood!"
Sir Alanna nodded, and the platinum blonde looked pleased with himself. "So why do witches burn?"
"... Because they're made of wood?" Ozorne whispered tentatively.
Alanna nodded again. "Good."
The peasants looked around uneasily, muttering. Finally they accepted this.
"So how can we tell if she is made of wood?" Sir Alanna continued.
"Make a bridge out of her!" shouted Alex.
"Ah... but can you not also make bridges out of stone?"
"Ah."
"Yes, of course."
"Umm... err."
Alanna sighed and decided to hurry things along. "Does wood sink in water?"
The villagers cheered up and started shouting again.
"No, no, it floats!"
"Tie her up!"
"Throw her in the pond!"
"Tie weights on her!"
"To the pond!"
Sir Alanna checked them. "Wait, wait. Tell me -- what also floats in water?"
"Bread?"
"No, no, no."
"Apples?"
"Basiliks?"
"Black opals?"
"Very small rocks?"
"A duck," shouted a regal voice. The villagers all turned and beheld King Jon with awe. Sir Alanna looked up, deeply impressed.
"Exactly," she stated. "So, logically..."
Ozorne began to catch on. "If she... weighs the same as a duck... she's made out of wood."
"And therefore?" Sir Alanna prodded.
"A witch!... a duck, a duck! Fetch a duck!"
"Here is a duck, Sir Alanna. Please use my duck."
"George, what are you doing here?" she hissed.
"Offering you a duck?"
"That's not a duck, that's a turkey."
"Oh." George went away.
"Who has a real duck?" Sir Alanna demanded.
"I've got a chicken."
"Would a flamingo work?"
"Burn the witch!"
"Make a ladder out of her!"
"No, no, it has to be a duck."
"Let's go catch a duck!" The villagers took off, cheering, towards a pond in the distance.
Sir Alanna sighed and decided not to tell them that while they were debating, Daine had wandered off. "Oh, well. I did want to try my theory."
King Jon rode up closer and they regarded each other with admiration.
"Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of science?" Sir Alanna asked prosaically.
"I am Jonathan, King of the Tortallans."
"My liege!" Sir Alanna drew her sword, knelt down, and presented it to him.
King Jon shot Wyldon-Patsy a satisfied look. "Good Sir... er, Lady knight, will you come with me to Corus, and join our number at the Vaguely Roundish Table?"
"My liege, I am honored," Alanna bowed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE CHOICE IS YOURS...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know, Alanna is a strange Bedevere... but she couldn't be Lancelot or Sir Robin. And we had to get her in there somewhere.
I call upon you from the depths of my heart... WHO would be good as Sir Galahad the Chaste? Please let me know. The fic cannot go on without a Galahad! Also, what do you think of Roger as Sir Robin? Until next time, I remain
Yrs in the Netherworld
Caspian Nyghtvision
By Nyghtvision
====================================================
Disclaimer: HERALD refuses to come out, claiming that he is dead. Instead I will leave you to fill it in at your leisure. I do not own Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and I do not own Tamora Pierce. However, I have the Pythons locked in my closet and Pierce in my sock drawer. Thus I have every right to maul the characters and concepts in any way I see fit. I do own Random Pyro, though.
====================================================
Author Note: Have skipped "Black Knight" bit as I don't think it's very funny and couldn't think of a way to do it. (Tried writing it with Yumiko and Kaddar fighting with giant plastic salad forks but it still wasn't funny.) So we move immediately to Sir Bedevere and 'Burn the Witch,' which is altogether funnier and it has Daine in it. Plus you can hear a swallow in the background -- Oooh!
======================================================
SCENE FIVE
======================================================
"Isn't it Scene Four?"
"Shut up. If you want to be director then go ahead."
We open the next scene in a village...
...
A bunch of Mithran priests wandered through the town, chanting in Latin.
"Pie Iesu domine... dona eis requiem," they intoned, cracking themselves on the heads with wooden boards. "Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem." CRACK
The convoy of priests passed a group of villagers who were dragging a young woman through the streets. She had wavy brown hair, blue-gray eyes, was dressed as a witch and had a turnip tied to her nose. She also looked deeply annoyed. They dragged her up to a shoddily built stagelike thing in the center of town.
The short, redheaded knight on the podium looked on in interest, lifting up the visor of her helmet so she could see better. The villagers tugged their forelocks and mumbled until one of them came forward.
"Sir Alanna, we have found a witch. May we burn her?" asked Ozorne hopefully.
"A witch! A witch! Burn the witch!" the other villagers cheered.
"How do you know she's a witch?" Alanna asked, ignoring the fact that most of the villagers (Ozorne, Alex, Blayce and Joren among others) had been killed off by the Holy Lady in various books.
"She looks like one!"
"Yes, she does!"
"Burn the witch!"
"Yay! Burn! Burn! Burn!" cheered a random pyro.
"Bring her forward," Sir Alanna commanded.
The villagers pushed and dragged Daine forward until she stood at the head of the crowd. "I am not a witch!" she protested. "I am not a witch! I'm a mage!"
"Witch, mage, same diff," said a random villager.
"Burn the witch!" Random Pyro yelled.
"I'm not a witch!"
"But you are dressed as one," Sir Alanna pointed out.
"They dressed me up like this!" Daine cried.
"We didn't, we didn't!"
"This is not my nose," Daine stated, "It's a false one."
Alanna pulled off the turnip and nodded. She turned back to the villagers, "Well?"
"Well..."
"We did do the nose," Blayce admitted.
"The nose?" Alanna encouraged.
"And the hat. But she is a witch!" Alex shouted.
"A witch, a witch, burn the witch!" started up again. Daine rolled her eyes and sat down.
"Did you dress her up like this?" Sir Alanna persisted.
"Um... yes... no... a bit... yes... well, she has got a wart."
"It's not a wart," Daine muttered sulkily, pulling acne medication and a compact out of her pocket. She started slathering foul-smelling cream on the 'wart.'
"Why do you think she is a witch?" Sir Alanna asked.
There was a brief moment of consternation among the villagers.
"She turned me into a newt," Blayce shouted decisively.
Alanna looked at him. "A newt?"
Blayce looked down at his very un-newt-y self for some time. "I got better."
Random Pyro shouted, "Burn her anyway!"
The other villagers took up the chant. "Burn her, burn her, burn the witch..."
"Quiet! Quiet!" Sir Alanna held up a commanding hand. The villagers fell silent. "There are other ways of telling if she is a witch."
(There was a dramatic clatter of coconuts as King Jon rode into the village, followed by Wyldon-Patsy. They hung back at the edge of the crowd and watched the proceedings in interest.)
"There are?" a villager responded.
"Tell up."
"What are they, wise Sir Alanna?"
"Burn her!" shouted Random Pyro, but was quickly hushed.
"Tell me, what do you do with witches?" Sir Alanna asked.
The reply was unanimous, "BURN THEM!"
"And what do you burn, apart from witches?" Sir Alanna continued.
This threw the villagers off for a moment, and they looked around blankly. Finally a platinum blonde stuck his hand in the air and shouted, "Wood!"
Sir Alanna nodded, and the platinum blonde looked pleased with himself. "So why do witches burn?"
"... Because they're made of wood?" Ozorne whispered tentatively.
Alanna nodded again. "Good."
The peasants looked around uneasily, muttering. Finally they accepted this.
"So how can we tell if she is made of wood?" Sir Alanna continued.
"Make a bridge out of her!" shouted Alex.
"Ah... but can you not also make bridges out of stone?"
"Ah."
"Yes, of course."
"Umm... err."
Alanna sighed and decided to hurry things along. "Does wood sink in water?"
The villagers cheered up and started shouting again.
"No, no, it floats!"
"Tie her up!"
"Throw her in the pond!"
"Tie weights on her!"
"To the pond!"
Sir Alanna checked them. "Wait, wait. Tell me -- what also floats in water?"
"Bread?"
"No, no, no."
"Apples?"
"Basiliks?"
"Black opals?"
"Very small rocks?"
"A duck," shouted a regal voice. The villagers all turned and beheld King Jon with awe. Sir Alanna looked up, deeply impressed.
"Exactly," she stated. "So, logically..."
Ozorne began to catch on. "If she... weighs the same as a duck... she's made out of wood."
"And therefore?" Sir Alanna prodded.
"A witch!... a duck, a duck! Fetch a duck!"
"Here is a duck, Sir Alanna. Please use my duck."
"George, what are you doing here?" she hissed.
"Offering you a duck?"
"That's not a duck, that's a turkey."
"Oh." George went away.
"Who has a real duck?" Sir Alanna demanded.
"I've got a chicken."
"Would a flamingo work?"
"Burn the witch!"
"Make a ladder out of her!"
"No, no, it has to be a duck."
"Let's go catch a duck!" The villagers took off, cheering, towards a pond in the distance.
Sir Alanna sighed and decided not to tell them that while they were debating, Daine had wandered off. "Oh, well. I did want to try my theory."
King Jon rode up closer and they regarded each other with admiration.
"Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of science?" Sir Alanna asked prosaically.
"I am Jonathan, King of the Tortallans."
"My liege!" Sir Alanna drew her sword, knelt down, and presented it to him.
King Jon shot Wyldon-Patsy a satisfied look. "Good Sir... er, Lady knight, will you come with me to Corus, and join our number at the Vaguely Roundish Table?"
"My liege, I am honored," Alanna bowed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE CHOICE IS YOURS...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know, Alanna is a strange Bedevere... but she couldn't be Lancelot or Sir Robin. And we had to get her in there somewhere.
I call upon you from the depths of my heart... WHO would be good as Sir Galahad the Chaste? Please let me know. The fic cannot go on without a Galahad! Also, what do you think of Roger as Sir Robin? Until next time, I remain
Yrs in the Netherworld
Caspian Nyghtvision