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Chapter 7---- Crawling

I looked back and forth trying to find him, even under the covers thinking maybe that he'd got lost. Even though I knew it was stupid even thinking it. I had dreamt it. Dreamt it all. Was Harry even here? He had to be. I wouldn't have dreamt of him getting hurt. I knew I wouldn't. Besides when I thought hard enough, I remember drifting off to sleep.

But still.I felt awful and suddenly alone Harry not being right next to me. Feeling his soft skin next to me, feeling his sweet breath on my throat.I stopped myself. I was having dreams of having sex with a boy, half my age. Having sex with a fifteen-year-old boy. 'His almost sixteen' protested part of my brain pathetically. 'But yes, you're getting older too.' Said the stronger part. It didn't even matter that I was in love with him. He was just //too// young.

Sirius would have my guts for garters if he were to find out anyhow. And I was simply terrified of Harry's Godfather- even though I know Black did it in protection for Harry. Somehow Black wanted to make up for the twelve years he had lost in Azkaban, and killing me would be and extra added bonus.

Suddenly I heard the bell ring, and I got up. The bed was an awful mess and it smelled terrible, I had obviously been moving a lot in my sleep and god knows what else when I was dreaming.

I snapped myself out of thinking too much about going down that road, and got dressed. When I arrived downstairs I went to the kitchen. Somebody had open the door and Black and Lupin were standing there.

"How is he. I want to see him. Will he be ok?" Too many questions too quickly.

"He's fine. I think he's asleep at the moment, so you can see him when he wakes up, and he's going to be fine."

"Phew, I was really worried. What happened?" That was Black talking.

"I just went to check up on him I was told to and I saw him all beaten like that. Quite disgusting if you ask me. His uncle beat him because he started screaming due to nightmares."

"Is this a common occurrence?" Lupin asked eyebrows furrowed.

"Potter said it's never happened before. When he found out about you." He looked at Black. "Things started to get better, as Dursley knew you were writing, apparently last summer you used Rons owl, am I correct?" Black nodded. "So Dursley didn't know you were writing. He thought the threat had gone, and he'd had enough of Potter screaming."

Blacks hands went to his temples and he muttered into his hand, which lingered around his mouth. "Oh God. It's my fault. If I had used a different owl and wrote more often this wouldn't have happened. Oh God."

"Please." I said to him. "No much I love to see you like this. It's no ones fault save that of the man who did it to him."

I heard the door open. "It seems that we're having some kind of secret conspiracy here. Anything I should know about some one so I can tell the world?" Harry's face lit up at that thought.

It was Harry and he was wearing clothes that looked ten sizes too big for him- if not more, and he looked a lot cheerier than yesterday. Luckily I was not one to blush or a certain dream that I remembered would have taken over.

"Harry!" Black called causing my ear to hurt. "Oh Harry I was so worried. I'm so glad your safe."

"Really I'm fine." Harry said, then he saw Lupin. "Hello Professor Lupin."

"Harry, you alright?" Harry nodded.

"Are they your clothes?" I asked. Harry nodded again. "Are they all like that?"

"No, some of them, are green, red. I even have a blue jumper." Sirius found this deeply amusing.

"I mean are they all too big for you?"

Harry looked at his outfit. "Yeah, they're all Dudley's old stuff. Have you seen him, I mean- whoa."

"Well." I said. "I think that makes our plan of action. We're going shopping."

"Great," Sirius mumbled sarcastically. "My favourite pastime."

After some discussion it was decided that Lupin should be the one who took him shopping. After all it didn't seem very intelligent for Harry Potter to be seen in the hands of a Supposed mad mass murderer or a death eater. Lupin who might be a werewolf was known now in the wizarding world to be, as far as werewolves go, an ok one. Besides every one knew that they knew each other.

But this meant that I was left alone in a house with Sirius Black. This was going to be a hellish morning. Harry had jokingly said that we should spend this time bonding. Well. I hoped that he was joking.

Time seemed to stall to a stand still. Just as I was thinking about ringing Black's neck, Lupin and Harry came back. Putting the stuff onto the table Lupin muttered. "I hate shopping. It's the bane of my existence."

"Really?" Black asked. "I thought that would be the full moon."

"That too."

And so the time that I spent with Harry lengthened. I started to tutor him in potions and realised where Harry had been going wrong all of these years. He had failed to understand the basics when he was in his first year. This of course made every thing else that bit more difficult.

Every morning we did this he seemed to be relatively happy. But I could see something in his eyes that made me want to shake it out of him. Force him into telling me what was wrong. But I knew that when he was ready he would tell me.

That happened the day before his birthday. In the evening when we were eating.

"I have to know." Was all he said.

"Know what?"

"You can't keep it from me forever you know. One of these day you're going to have to tell me, and I want to know what it is."

"What, what is?"

"I want to know why he was after me"

"Who?" even though I knew the answer.

"Voldemort what does he want from me?"

I was silent for a long while. "I can't tell you."

"But you know." I nodded. "Then why can't you. Please tell me. It's tearing me apart not knowing. Don't you think I deserve to?" Again I nodded. "Please."

I looked into his beautiful green eyes. "What if I did tell you. What would you do? Would it make you happy? Even if it was dark?"

"I would be relived." He told me after a while.

Swallowing I began to tell the tale. Something Dumbledore didn't even know. Even though I had no idea why I hadn't told him. "Your mother. She was having a tough time when she had just left school. Voldemort was fast gaining power and he wanted her to join him. Even though she was a muggleborn Voldemort didn't care, she was a very powerful witch. I don't know what made her do it. Like I don't know why I did it. But she joined him."

I stopped and looked into Harry's eyes, wide with shock, but I carried on. "You've no doubt seen pictures of her. She was very beautiful and Voldemort, like every one else I might add, thought so too.

"Over time. About six months Lily began to see her mistake. She tried to leave, go back to the good side. At this point she was still with James and Voldemort had not marked her because of this, her position was a valuable one. Voldemort would not let her leave his circle. Not very many people knew she was even in it. She remained masked at meetings and Voldemort called her 'my little flower.'

"He had some obsession with her and when she wanted to leave he placed her under the imperious curse and took her." I looked into Harry eyes again. But they were focused on the table and I could see wet drops on the mahogany.

"Voldemort raped my mother?" He asked slowly.

"Yes." I said. "Do you want me to continue?" He nodded. So I took another deep breath. "After this she never again went to meeting, she refused to go. She never went for six months. Finally Voldemort went to her. She was pregnant. Voldemort knew it was his, even though Lily kept saying that it wasn't. He knew, he could feel it.

"Then he found out that he did not raise his child, and it went with good, then it would have the power to overthrow him. On the other side. If it were to be dark, but not follow Voldemort, then it would overthrow him. So, Voldemort had a choice. Either turn the mother and take the child. Or eliminate it. Lily refused to turn you over."

It was the subtlest way that I could think of, telling him. 'You're the son of Voldemort.'

Harry was silent for a long time and he just looked at his hand as though they were betraying him. "Voldemort's my father?"

"I'm sorry."

"No one told me? I went on for years, thinking that I was the son of James when I'm not. Why has no one told me before?"

"Because no body else knew but me. I was scared of what would happen to you if I told some one. If you would be shunned away you entire life. You already had so much to bear. Not even Dumbledore knows. Not even James Potter. Lily only told me. It was why I turned back."

"How, I still don't understand how this works."

"I still don't either."

Harry nodded and was silent for a long while, crying. Half of me just wanted to hold him tell him that every thing was going to be all right, it was our little secret. But I was scared if I were to do that what would happen, push me away or take me in deeper then to run off and leave me broken again.

But he was just so vulnerable sitting there, his teardrops falling onto the long table. His food left forgotten, still looking at his hands, in some obscure way. The scene almost made me cry myself. Remembering Lily's fear when she found out she was pregnant with Voldemorts child. Her determined face when she had to get out of what she was in.

Then after what seemed a millennia he got up, nodded at me and walked away. And I just sat there watching him leave.