The Knights of Tortall and the Holy Grail
By Caspian Nyghtvision
============================================
Disclaimer: I don't feel like bothering, so instead I will say 'Oi' sixteen and a half times and leave it at that.
Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. O.
Sheer poetry.
============================================
Part Five
=============================================
Narrator: The wise Sir Alanna was the first to join King Jon's knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow.
Sir Raoul the Brave...
Sir Neal the Chaste...
Sir Keladry the Spontaneously Added Bit-Part...
Sir Myles the Perpetually Watered...
And Sir Roger the Not-Quite-So-Brave As Sir Raoul...
Who had nearly fought the Dragon of Pirate's Swoop...
Who had almost stood up to the Vicious Chicken of Corus...
And who had personally wet himself at the Battle of the Immortals...
And the aptly named Sir Not Appearing in this Fanfic.
Together they formed a band whose names and deeds would be remembered, sniggered over, and brought out to mock at parties throughout the ages. The Knights of the Vaguely Roundish Table.
------------------------------
Out of the mists of the ages rode a group of noble figures, accompanied by cantering servants clattering coconuts in a very determined way. Up at the front, a short redhaired knight conversed with the proud-looking King Jon.
"And that, my liege, is how we know the Black God to be a crossdresser," Sir Alanna finished.
"This new learning fascinates me, Sir Alanna. Explain again how platypus bladders may be used to control fires."
"Certainly, milord."
Suddenly Sir Raoul stopped and pointed. "Look, my liege!"
Sir Myles the Perpetually Watered blinked drunkenly and started laughing his head off.
A magnificent castle stood on the crest of a hill, illuminated dramatically by the rays of the dying sun, its imposing structure only enhanced by the stirring background music played on the soundtrack that the cameraman was staggering about with.
The knights ignored the cameraman as he collapsed nearby, the background music winding down to a halt.
"Corus!" King Jon breathed with thankful reverence and reverent thankfullness.
"Corus!"
"Corus!"
"It's only a model," Sir Roger added helpfully.
King Jon turned and decked his cousin. "Shut up!" Turning back to his group, he intoned,
"Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride.... to Corus!"
As the awed knights began to ride to the castle, a strange sound reached their ears. Numair burst out of the palace, booting away chickens and screaming in a vaguely demented way. "Damn-- bloody-- chickens-- get out of my study! Neeagh!"
Almost instantly a swarm of lovely blonde women (On loan from Mary Sue's-R-Us) leaped out of the trees, pounced on him, and dragged him off, giggling hyperactively.
Sir Myles snickered and opened his third beer bottle of the day.
The knights blinked in unison, then looked up as they heard singing. A troop of Riders were standing on the roof, wearing nothing but strategically placed lit, blinking Christmas tree lights. They were singing something horrendous as they chucked roof tiles at random... passersby. (Passerbys? Passersby? Bloody word. Random people who were passing by.)
Meanwhile the badger god was drunkenly cornering anyone who would listen, and was slurring at length that the color of the spaceships didn't really matter, and weren't the sparkly bits pretty?
Mithran priests wandered past, chanting and hitting themselves with boards.
The hilarity increased.
"In retrospect, it wasn't the best idea to restrain the dragon with bungee cords..."
"Jolly."
"On second thought, let's not go to Corus. It is a very random place."
---------------------------------------------
The knights turned and rode off, their pages clacking along behind with the coconuts. Suddenly they were checked by a ray of sparkling radiance, celestial choir, angels appearing, etc. on loan from Epiphanies-R-Us.
"It's the Goddess!"
"Jolly!"
The knights all fell to their knees, except Sir Neal, who was chatting up a tree. (We think.)
"JON! Jonathan, king of the Tortallans!" The Goddess announced. "Oh, stop groveling. It's sooo cliche."
"Sorry, milady." Jon averted his eyes.
There was a celestial boom. "And stop averting your eyes. You're like those miserable Carthakis. They're sooo depressing."
Sir Myles pointed and giggled uncontrollably. He fell over, and was supported by Sir Alanna. "Hee, 'sh perky-ful lady inthe sky!"
"Shut up, all of you. Now. Jon, king of the Tortallans, your Knights of the--" The Goddess paused, eyeing a sheaf of papers in her free hand. She pulled a pair of spectacles from her sleeve to glance over the script, and snickered. "Vaguely Roundish Table... shall have a task to make the world remember them an example of these dark times."
"Milady?"
"Yes?" She peered regally over her glasses.
"You're not making any sense."
"I'm a deity, mortal. Do I need to make sense?"
"Um, yes, if you want us to do this for you."
"Bugger. Behold!" The Goddess gestured and angels sang as an image of a golden cup appeared. "The Holy Grail!"
"... What's a grail?"
"Shut up, Roger."
"Dude, it is obviously a cup."
"What did you say?!"
"It's a cup! Look at it!"
"No, the whole 'dude' thing. We're knights. We don't say 'dude.'" Kel felt the need to make this point.
"It's still a cup."
"Ahem." The Goddess cleared her throat and eyed the debating knights over her spectacles. They attempted to stand to attention, but were quickly distracted.Sir Myles leered and fell over. Patsy-Wyldon wandered off to graze. Sir Neal picked a fight with a badger. (We think.)
Sir Raoul held up his hand. "Um, what IS the Holy Grail?"
"Mithros's chamber pot. Fell into the Mortal Realms as a result of a drunken quarrel with the duckmole god. Please go fetch it." Removing her spectacles, the Goddess and the Grail vanished.
The singing stopped and the light faded. The knights looked at each other cluelessly.
"A blessing! A blessing from the Lady!" Sir Alanna said suddenly.
Motivated now, the knights fell to their knees and prayed. "Goddess be praised!"
--------------------
THE NEXT SCENE (Divine Realms)
-------------------
"Just cross your legs, Mithros," Mynoss said severely.
"Pleeease, can I just use your chamber pot?"
"No. Wait until the knights find your Holy Grail."
"But I really have to--"
"Go in the woods! There's infinite acreage of pristine idyllic woods around! You're a man! Use a tree!"
"... Just make sure it's not one of those sentient ones," the Goddess smirked.
-----------------------------------------------------
Did you know that "Oi" is Japanese for "Hey?" I did not know that. Anyway, thanks so much for your feedback that really did help a lot. Thanks to Nip (www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=281508) for suggesting Sir Myles as a character. (Now we have a coward and a drunk...)
By Caspian Nyghtvision
============================================
Disclaimer: I don't feel like bothering, so instead I will say 'Oi' sixteen and a half times and leave it at that.
Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. O.
Sheer poetry.
============================================
Part Five
=============================================
Narrator: The wise Sir Alanna was the first to join King Jon's knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow.
Sir Raoul the Brave...
Sir Neal the Chaste...
Sir Keladry the Spontaneously Added Bit-Part...
Sir Myles the Perpetually Watered...
And Sir Roger the Not-Quite-So-Brave As Sir Raoul...
Who had nearly fought the Dragon of Pirate's Swoop...
Who had almost stood up to the Vicious Chicken of Corus...
And who had personally wet himself at the Battle of the Immortals...
And the aptly named Sir Not Appearing in this Fanfic.
Together they formed a band whose names and deeds would be remembered, sniggered over, and brought out to mock at parties throughout the ages. The Knights of the Vaguely Roundish Table.
------------------------------
Out of the mists of the ages rode a group of noble figures, accompanied by cantering servants clattering coconuts in a very determined way. Up at the front, a short redhaired knight conversed with the proud-looking King Jon.
"And that, my liege, is how we know the Black God to be a crossdresser," Sir Alanna finished.
"This new learning fascinates me, Sir Alanna. Explain again how platypus bladders may be used to control fires."
"Certainly, milord."
Suddenly Sir Raoul stopped and pointed. "Look, my liege!"
Sir Myles the Perpetually Watered blinked drunkenly and started laughing his head off.
A magnificent castle stood on the crest of a hill, illuminated dramatically by the rays of the dying sun, its imposing structure only enhanced by the stirring background music played on the soundtrack that the cameraman was staggering about with.
The knights ignored the cameraman as he collapsed nearby, the background music winding down to a halt.
"Corus!" King Jon breathed with thankful reverence and reverent thankfullness.
"Corus!"
"Corus!"
"It's only a model," Sir Roger added helpfully.
King Jon turned and decked his cousin. "Shut up!" Turning back to his group, he intoned,
"Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride.... to Corus!"
As the awed knights began to ride to the castle, a strange sound reached their ears. Numair burst out of the palace, booting away chickens and screaming in a vaguely demented way. "Damn-- bloody-- chickens-- get out of my study! Neeagh!"
Almost instantly a swarm of lovely blonde women (On loan from Mary Sue's-R-Us) leaped out of the trees, pounced on him, and dragged him off, giggling hyperactively.
Sir Myles snickered and opened his third beer bottle of the day.
The knights blinked in unison, then looked up as they heard singing. A troop of Riders were standing on the roof, wearing nothing but strategically placed lit, blinking Christmas tree lights. They were singing something horrendous as they chucked roof tiles at random... passersby. (Passerbys? Passersby? Bloody word. Random people who were passing by.)
Meanwhile the badger god was drunkenly cornering anyone who would listen, and was slurring at length that the color of the spaceships didn't really matter, and weren't the sparkly bits pretty?
Mithran priests wandered past, chanting and hitting themselves with boards.
The hilarity increased.
"In retrospect, it wasn't the best idea to restrain the dragon with bungee cords..."
"Jolly."
"On second thought, let's not go to Corus. It is a very random place."
---------------------------------------------
The knights turned and rode off, their pages clacking along behind with the coconuts. Suddenly they were checked by a ray of sparkling radiance, celestial choir, angels appearing, etc. on loan from Epiphanies-R-Us.
"It's the Goddess!"
"Jolly!"
The knights all fell to their knees, except Sir Neal, who was chatting up a tree. (We think.)
"JON! Jonathan, king of the Tortallans!" The Goddess announced. "Oh, stop groveling. It's sooo cliche."
"Sorry, milady." Jon averted his eyes.
There was a celestial boom. "And stop averting your eyes. You're like those miserable Carthakis. They're sooo depressing."
Sir Myles pointed and giggled uncontrollably. He fell over, and was supported by Sir Alanna. "Hee, 'sh perky-ful lady inthe sky!"
"Shut up, all of you. Now. Jon, king of the Tortallans, your Knights of the--" The Goddess paused, eyeing a sheaf of papers in her free hand. She pulled a pair of spectacles from her sleeve to glance over the script, and snickered. "Vaguely Roundish Table... shall have a task to make the world remember them an example of these dark times."
"Milady?"
"Yes?" She peered regally over her glasses.
"You're not making any sense."
"I'm a deity, mortal. Do I need to make sense?"
"Um, yes, if you want us to do this for you."
"Bugger. Behold!" The Goddess gestured and angels sang as an image of a golden cup appeared. "The Holy Grail!"
"... What's a grail?"
"Shut up, Roger."
"Dude, it is obviously a cup."
"What did you say?!"
"It's a cup! Look at it!"
"No, the whole 'dude' thing. We're knights. We don't say 'dude.'" Kel felt the need to make this point.
"It's still a cup."
"Ahem." The Goddess cleared her throat and eyed the debating knights over her spectacles. They attempted to stand to attention, but were quickly distracted.Sir Myles leered and fell over. Patsy-Wyldon wandered off to graze. Sir Neal picked a fight with a badger. (We think.)
Sir Raoul held up his hand. "Um, what IS the Holy Grail?"
"Mithros's chamber pot. Fell into the Mortal Realms as a result of a drunken quarrel with the duckmole god. Please go fetch it." Removing her spectacles, the Goddess and the Grail vanished.
The singing stopped and the light faded. The knights looked at each other cluelessly.
"A blessing! A blessing from the Lady!" Sir Alanna said suddenly.
Motivated now, the knights fell to their knees and prayed. "Goddess be praised!"
--------------------
THE NEXT SCENE (Divine Realms)
-------------------
"Just cross your legs, Mithros," Mynoss said severely.
"Pleeease, can I just use your chamber pot?"
"No. Wait until the knights find your Holy Grail."
"But I really have to--"
"Go in the woods! There's infinite acreage of pristine idyllic woods around! You're a man! Use a tree!"
"... Just make sure it's not one of those sentient ones," the Goddess smirked.
-----------------------------------------------------
Did you know that "Oi" is Japanese for "Hey?" I did not know that. Anyway, thanks so much for your feedback that really did help a lot. Thanks to Nip (www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=281508) for suggesting Sir Myles as a character. (Now we have a coward and a drunk...)