Chapter V
"So … where's the golf cart or … wheelbarrow?" Selphie asked, "I mean … you aren't going to make us walk, are you … wait … don't answer that."
"Selphie, shut up and move your ass." Rinoa scowled, "And get used to the walking part. These hics don't look like they have any other mode of transportation."
The 'men' ahead of them walked on and suddenly Seifer turned around, "Ok … lemme get this straight … you're Selphie …" He pointed to the short little brown haired girl, "You're Rinoa …" His finger shifted to the raven haired and finally to the blonde, "I'm sorry … I only know you as that fucking nagging bitch … that pinched my ear!" The bloody half moon was still present.
She went up to him and kicked him in the stomach, "Quistis!" She kicked him again, "QUISTIS!" And again, "QUISTIS! GOT THAT YOU ASSHOLE, QUISTIS!" And again.
Seifer keeled over to his side clutching his stomach tightly, "Ooooh … holy shiiiit … biiiitch."
Squall and Irvine only looked on, trying very hard not to burst out laughing. Seifer … beaten by a girl. They would never let him hear the end of this one.
***
"This is the ranch … it's where I work. We got cows, we got pigs … we got …"
"A homo … that's Irvine." Squall grinned.
Irvine continued as if he had heard nothing, "We got sheep … some roosters and chickens. So who's going to work here with me?"
"Did you just say … cows?" Selphie wore an insane smile on her face, "Like … moo-moo cows?"
Groans could be heard from Rinoa and Quistis' part. Irvine nodded his head, "That's right … moo-moo-milk-producing cows. Bovine, if you will."
Selphie gasped and clapped her hands excitedly, "Woohoo!! Dibs on the ranch! I love cows! Moo-moo-moo!!! I am cow, I go moo … I weigh twice as much as you … and I look good on a barbeque!" She sing-songed.
"Right … looks like I'm stuck with a crazy shit …" Irvine gave off a strange nervous laugh.
"Moving on …" Seifer urged the rest of the crowd out … however … not soon enough so they did not hear Irvine go …
"Yeah … you and I are gunna have a lot of fuuuuun." Sarcastically … that is.
"Over there is the apple plantation … or orchard or whatever." He pointed to acres and acres of healthy apple trees.
"You do this for a living?" Quistis asked, "And you don't even know the right name? What kind of an orchard-man are you?"
"Orchard man? Excuse me?" And that's when he got smacked in the face with a rotten apple.
"See? These are going bad! Not only are you mentally slow but you're physically too? You're going to need my help." Quistis stated.
"Oh … no! Any one but you!" He looked up at the sky questioningly, "You really do hate me, don't you?"
Squall stared down at Rinoa, "Yeah … you better be good …"
"Excuse me? Run that one by me again?"
"I meant a good worker!" He snarled, "In any case … uh …" He looked her up and down … "Riight … we'll just have to do with what we have?"
"What is that supposed to mean, jackass!" Rinoa ran after him in the woods. Yes, Squall was a lumberjack.
***
"MOO! MOO! MOOOOOO!" Selphie popped up right in front of the cow and looked as if she was trying to communicate with it.
Irvine, holding the milk buckets just stared at her, "Uhm … excuse me?" Selphie ignored him and kept 'mooing' at the cow.
"MOO! MOOOOOOOO! MOOOOOOOOO!" She bouncing up and down at this point.
Irvine, deciding that there was no way of communicating with her, started mooing himself, "MOO, FUCKING MOOOO! ARE YOU THERE, MOO? MOOO!"
Selphie just stared at him, "No, no, no … you've got it all wrong. Extend the 'oooo's and I don't remember 'fuck' being part of bovine vocabulary!" And with that … she continued to moo at the cow, "MOOOOO, MOO, MOOOOOOOO!"
Irvine let out a sigh, dropped the buckets near the cow and decided to do something else while Selphie busied herself with the art of bovine communication. Next thing on the list: cleaning out the manure.
***
"One apple, two apples, three apples, four … five apples, six apples, seven apples more …"
"Will you shut the fuck up, and get to work, you whore!" Seifer glared malevolently at her.
Her eyes nearly popped out of her head and steam could be seen coming out of her nostrils and she replied viciously, "Shut it or I'll make your head hit the floor!"
"Yeah, yeah …" Seifer brooded over being beaten at the 'rhyming game', "Why don't you, erm … climb up that tree and get that big apple there." He pointed at a very damaged tree of which the top branches were swaying, threatening to break if any weight was applied to them.
"See these shoes?" She pointed to her stilettos, "I got them for ninety bucks … they aren't made for climbing."
"Oh, poor baby. What are they, Gucci's?" Seifer snapped sarcastically.
"What are you, gay?" Quistis retorted, not noticing the fact whatsoever that the man from this time period knew the make of her shoes.
***
"This is heavy!" She complained, her arms threatened to give way to the abnormally large load.
Squall raised an eyebrow, "Mhmm … ok, so just, uh … stand there … and I'll come get you at around five o'clock."
"WHAT?" She screeched, "IT'S ELEVEN! AM!! I WANT LUNCH! … AND TEA!"
Squall cleared his throat, "Tea? Tea is for … wimps. I drink coffee … and fuck your goddamn tea break, majesty. I've got work to do."
"You can't just leave me here!" Rinoa whined.
"Watch me …" Squall sneered as he turned and began to walk.
"Beasts can come after me … and kill me …"
"Oh, that would be a loss to society." Squall retorted, "Too bad, see you."
Rinoa dropped the load at her feet, picked up a smaller log and chucked it at Squall's head yelling, "ASSHOLE!"
It narrowly missed and went flying over his shoulder, "Holy shit, you're crazy!" He turned around, eyes wide.
"Don't leave me here …" There was definitely something evil about her look right now.
"Ahem … this way …" He continued to look very frightened indeed, thinking she would grab something and hit him over the head with it. He pointed to a dirt path, "Erm … just don't touch my axe."
Sam: MAHA! We finally updated … isn't that, like … the fifth miracle or something? Well, we were really busy so we're sorry for the wait. Thanks for being patient and … REVIEW! We want reviews, DANGIT!
Ekika: That's right… We're NOT dead. Although we might as well have been. Y'all understand what the word "Exams" mean, right? Course you do. Now, on with more pressing matters… That was the 1 768 956th miracle, not the fifth. Anyways, Review… Or else… *mutters* Saggy… Wrinkly…. Pimply… Asses…*looks up* Oh... right… You're NOT my brothers…. Excuse that.