THE STAGE
(Carlotta is singing in her "look at me I'm a diva" way and her assistant Marcel, who for all intensive purposes shall now be referred to as Sir Fopling, caters to her every whim. Christine is also there, but telepathically talking to the Phantom.)
Christine: No, I will not meet you in a rat costume. I don't care if it turns you on. (evil voice) Yes master, I will do as you say. Grrrrrrrr!
(While she is going temporarily insane, some men in the corner watch a group of young ballerinas practice. One of the cradle robbers, I mean men, decides to lure the young girls with Swiss chocolate.)
THE DOCTOR'S QUARTERS
(Dr. Princard examines Ignace's hand and Montluc stops by for a visit.)
Montluc (to Ignace): You are the head rat exterminator here at the Opera House, is that correct?
Ignace: I actually prefer the term rat catcher, but that would be me. I have worked here for the last eight years and not once has water touched my skin. In that time, I have caught one million rats and I keep all their tails... in my pants.
Montluc: I hear that someone forced you to stick your hand in a rat trap.
Ignace: It wasn't someone, it was nothing. But it also wasn't something. It was nothing and no one, but not something. Or quite possibly something, but nothing.
Montluc: I'm confused.
Ignace: It was like a creature from hell.
Dr. Princard: The Olsen twins?
(Princard removes the rag covering Ignace's thumb. The bone is clearly protruding from the skin.)
Ignace: Is that my thumb?
Dr. Princard: No, this is my thumb. (pointing) That is your thumb.
Ignace: So it is. And you can see the bone! It's almost as egregious as my acting.
(He bends his thumb up and down just to prove his point.)
Princard (hitting Ignace over the head): Stop that!
BACKSTAGE
(Christine meets up with the Phantom and rather than being romantic he decides to smell her.)
Christine: I basted myself with turkey juice. Do you like it?
Phantom: Of course my delectable little pheasant. But we can't talk now. I have to work on my plan that will have the world at our feet.
(He runs off leaving Christine to contemplate what he said. A young worker, Alfred, sees the Phantom and follows him as he leaves. He runs off to tell his girlfriend.)
LAUNDRY ROOM
Alfred (to Paulette): I saw the Phantom. It was...
Paulette: It was what?
Alfred: Better than dying a horrible death at the hands of a maniac.
Paulette: What are you talking about?
Alfred: I don't know. But I have this horrible feeling that what I just said was foreshadowing. We'll talk about this later. Meet me after work.
THE THEATRE
(Madam Giry is polishing one of the boxes while she talks to Montluc.)
Madame Giry: The Phantom is not a legend. He is here in the Opera house and he exists.
Montluc (sarcastically): Right, and I'm wearing a garter belt.
Madame Giry (lifting up his pant leg): You are wearing a garter belt.
Montluc: Okay, bad example, but I still stand by my conviction.
Madame Giry: I have met him right here in this box.
Rabid POTO phan: That's not even the right box!
Montluc: This box?
Rabid POTO phan: NO! BOX NUMBER FIVE!
Madame Giry: He loves the underworld and the dark. They say a cold wind follows him.
(Suddenly, a cold gust of wind fills the box and they both run out the door.)
ALFRED AND PAULETTE'S "ROOM"
Paulette: Why did you follow him?
Alfred: There's a treasure down there.
Paulette: A treasure? I could live like a queen.
Alfred: And so could I.
(Then there's an unnecessary boob shot and the scene changes to what appears to be a restaurant.)
INSIDE WHAT APPEARS TO BE A RESTAURANT
(A very disgusting man with long black hair is waiting at an empty table. Christine shows up and sits down with him.)
Rabid POTO phan: If that's Raoul I'm going to...
Christine: You should be very happy with yourself Monsieur de Chagny.
(The POTO phan spontaneously combusts.)
Raoul: What have I done?
Christine: You know very well.
Raoul: Look, I didn't mean to set the cat on fire, it was an accident.
Christine: I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the roses. I prefer simple flowers like the Zephyranthes grandiflora, or the Hibiscus mutabilis. Plus, your note upset me.
Raoul: Right. But, will you at least allow me to be your friend?
Christine: No, I will allow you to be the brother I never had.
Raoul: Can I be the kind of brother who sleeps with his sister?
Christine: I'll have to think about that.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And now for a word I found "in" an online dictionary:
Fops' Alley- the passage between the benches right and left of the old opera-house