Chapter Seven

It didn't take long for Remus to realize that the potion was not doing exactly what he had intended it to do. For one thing, Sirius always seemed very tired when he woke up in the morning, and it didn't improve throughout the day. He was irritable and cranky and generally prone to jumpiness. After an incident in which Remus caught him trying to open a window and jump out in his sleep, he decided that something had to be done.

It was with great reluctance, despite the necessity, that he knocked again on Severus Snape's door.

There was a brief pause, then Snape swung open the door abruptly. He saw Remus and his lip curled slightly. "What?" he asked, his tone not necessarily annoyed, but certainly not inviting.

Remus decided to go straight to the point and appeal to his sense of professionalism. "The potion you gave me isn't working. May I come in?"

Much to his amusement to have predicted Snape that well, the Potionsmaster moved out of the way and let Remus into his small office. He closed the door behind him and asked, "Which potion?"

Remus did an automatic glance for paintings, even though he had been in Snape's office before and knew that there weren't any there. "The one you made me for Sirius, to try to ground him and stop his sleepwalking."

"Really," Snape said dryly. "If it isn't working, what is it doing instead?" As he spoke, he pulled a book off one of his shelves and started flipping through it. Remus assumed it was where he kept the new recipes he had come up with.

"It's not doing anything," Remus said with a frustrated sigh, "other than making him more tired, more irritable, and maybe curbing the sleepwalking a very little."

Snape reviewed what he had made on the off chance that he honestly had made a mistake, but decided that it should have worked, even if Sirius had decided to spend his evenings as a dog. "Then there must be something else at work that we weren't previously aware of."

Remus held back a number of nasty retorts. "Yes, thank you."

There was a pause while Snape glared at him, then apparently decided to let it go. He sat down in an armchair by the fire and gestured for Remus to take the other, still holding his book. "How has he been acting?"

Remus considered, because he wanted to answer carefully and make sure Snape had all the important facts. "He's very skittish, easily distracted. Sometimes he doesn't really seem to be there at all, he just drifts off somewhere else. Before Harry left, he kept mistaking him for James. He's jumpy and emotionally volatile -- well, he always was that last, but it's worse now."

There was another pause, this one longer. Snape went over the potion yet again, pondering the problem. He eventually came to the conclusion that what he had made should have worked -- but only if there was actually a soul there to work with. "If he is becoming more tired, it's because he's fighting the potion. I trust he isn't fool enough to do that purposely?"

"No . . ." Remus shook his head. "He talks about how he wants to live, he wants to get better and to . . . to be with the real world again. Whatever's happening, it's not something he's doing on purpose."

Snape smiled grimly, almost enjoying himself, as he enjoyed most puzzles of logic. He didn't have enough information to solve this one. "How did he behave directly after he crossed the veil?"

"Directly after?" Remus asked, surprised at the question, which seemed so random. "He passed out."

Snape sighed at the useless answer. He wasn't sure exactly what would have been useful, but that wasn't it. "Can I assume that you did actually see Potter while retrieving Black?"

"Yes . . . we saw James and Lily." Remus frowned suddenly. "Hang on a sec, that's something Sirius said that I hadn't really thought about 'til now. When he woke up afterwards, he told me that he had seen James and Lily, and then . . . then he died. That's exactly what he said." The frown deepened. "What d'you think that means?"

"One more question," Snape said, steepling his hands in his lap. "Assuming he never mistook one Potter for the other in the past, can I assume he only mistakes one for the other either directly after he wakes or directly after he's been . . drifting, as you put it?"

Remus thought about this very hard for a few minutes, wanting to be absolutely sure before he gave his answer. "Yes. I'm almost positive. That's always when he makes the mistake."

"Then I think -- mind you I won't actually know for sure until I see him -- that his soul is almost completely separated from his body. He is very much alive, but his soul is not anchored the way it should be."

Remus gaped at him for a few seconds, trying to process that bombshell. "But . . . how could that have happened?" he asked, trying to stay calm.

"I'm not entirly positive," Snape admitted. "As far as I know, he is the first person to ever take their physical body beyond the veil and quite likely the only person to ever have returned. I would surmise that when he died, his body and soul remained connected, but since flesh and blood do not belong anywhere but here, his body was free to come and go across the barrier unhindered. His soul, however, belongs there, and the veil would have tried to keep it. The gate could have pulled it free from his body as he passed through, but his own desire to live or possibly a lingering connection could have dragged his soul through regardless."

There was a pause. Remus was completely staring at Snape; it was the longest speech he had ever seen from the usually taciturn Potionsmaster. After a few seconds, everything that Snape had said actually set in, and he pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling tired. "How do we confirm that? And assuming that this is what's wrong, how do we fix it?"

"I should be able to tell if I spent some time in his dubious company," Snape said, and Remus couldn't help but snort in amusement. "And possibly a few pointed questions at appropriate times ought to tell us if I am correct." He rather suddenly got up, scanned a bookshelf, pulled another book down and flipped through it. "As for fixing it, there is no way to fix it, but . . ." There was a brief pauses while he was flipping and reading. "Yes. I should be able to prevent him from wandering away from himself. Though I'm fairly sure it will only be a solution of maintainence." There was another pause. Remus waited patiently. "And any abilities he possessed in the art of divination will be lost."

Remus let out another snort. "Oh dear. I'm sure he'll be so disappointed that he won't be able to make up things about his tea leaves anymore." He was so relieved that they would be able to at least fix it on a maintainence basis that he found that small problem very funny.

Snape also seemed to find this a tad amusing, even though it was about Sirius. "He can still make up anything he wishes," he said, with a small quirk of the lips that while certainly not a smile, at least caused him to stop frowning for a moment. "Just as long as he remembers to predict a horrible death once in a while to keep things believable."

Remus was so unnerved by the fact that Snape had just cracked a joke in his presence, that he took refuge in changing the subject. "If you need to see him, do you want to do it now? I'd prefer sooner to later." Although God only knew how Sirius would react to Snape.

"Oh, why not. It will be a lovely capper to my day."

Given that the agreement was about as good as Remus had expected to get, despite the sarcasm, he simply nodded and headed for the Room of Requirement with purpose. Snape set his book down and followed at a slightly more sedate pace, privately amused by Remus' hurry.

When they arrived in the room, Sirius was sitting in bed with a blank look on his face, completely zoned out and staring out the window. Snape stood in the doorway while Remus cautiously entered. Sirius didn't seem to notice as Remus made his way over and sat down on the edge of the bed. "Sirius?" he asked gently, cursing the fact that Snape was there and he couldn't be as affectionate as usual.

Sirius startled and glanced over at him. "Moony?"

"Yes, it's me." Remus gave up on pretenses and reached out to touch Sirius' face.

Snape continued to stand in the doorway, even though the way in was clear. He had no real desire to invade on their territory; it would have made him feel uncomfortable. However, even if he hadn't noticed Remus' affectionate tone and voice, he did note detachedly that the room contained only one bed.

Sirius didn't seem to notice Snape, as he was too busy to find his way back to the here and now. "I thought you were going for a walk?" he asked. He noted the somber expression on Remus' face and gave it consideration. He was slowly learning to pick up cues from Remus as to when he had lost track of things. "How long were you gone?"

"I did go for a walk. I was gone for about a half an hour." Remus smiled, his tone gently teasing. "Were you staring out the window the whole time?"

Sirius smiled, quite willing to make light of the situation if Remus was going to. "In theory, yes."

"In theory?" Remus asked, lifting his eyebrows. He was aware of Snape watching their behavior closely, and wondered if he could tell anything about Sirius from it. He had long suspected that Snape was something of a natural necromancer, and wondered if it was possible for him to see Sirius' soul. It was possible that their behavior had nothing to do with what he was watching.

Sirius shrugged. "I don't really remem . . ." He caught sight of Snape, still standing in the doorway, incidentally blocking his only way of escape if it became necessary. By now, Sirius was more than a little claustrophobic and just a little paranoid. "What are you doing here?" he snarled.

"He's here to help," Remus said quickly. "He made the potion I've been giving you, remember?"

Sirius didn't like this in the least, but did manage not to vocalize the growl that was beginning at the back of his throat. "Oh. Any idea why it isn't working?" His tone certainly wasn't friendly, but it was polite enough. He wasn't fond of the idea of Snape poisoning him.

"Actually, yes," Snape said, then added nothing else.

Remus sighed and tried to steer the conversation on course. "Sirius, do you remember anything about crossing back over from the veil?"

Sirius shuddered involuntarily. "I died. I swear I died." This was honestly the only way he had to describe what had happened. "I vaguely remeber following you out of the front door and then James and Lily looking worried and then . . ." He shuddered again.

"Shh, it's okay." Remus smoothed down his hair, trying to keep him calm, and gave Snape a questioning look.

Sirius pinched the bridge of his nose, looking pained, wondering how he got himself involved in these messes. He spoke again, his tone abrupt, deliberately trying to startle Sirius. "Where were you when Lupin called your name?"

"I was nowhere," Sirius said without thinking, his reply purely instinctual.

Remus nearly fell over at that statement. "Nowhere? What do you mean, you were nowhere?"

"Nowhere, just . . . shapeless nowhere." Sirius shook his head. "I don't remember." He knew there had to be more to it than that, but for the life of him, he couldn't grasp it well enough to give it any words or proper description.

"Did you want to leave?" Snape asked, still abrupt.

"No," Sirius said automatically.

Remus looked between the two of them, confused. "You wanted to stay being nowhere?"

"Yes. No. I don't know." Sirius shook his head again, starting to sound agitated.

"Shhh, it's okay," Remus murmured again. He had totally given up on hiding their relationship from Snape. He was simply too tired to care. He took both of Sirius' hands in his own. "It's okay, just take a few deep breaths."

There was a long pause while Sirius managed to pull himself into at least some semblance of togetherness. Snape watched him closely, now utterly sure that whenever Sirius wasn't paying attention, his soul was making a run for home. When it became clear that neither of them were going to speak, Remus took it upon himself to explain further. "Remember what I was telling you, about how we were going to be pulled towards the veil?"

"Yeah," Sirius said. He shot a warning look at Snape as the Potionsmaster shifted his weight from one foot to the other. He had decided to stay in case they had any questions, but it seemed unwise to challenge the slightly unhinged look in Sirius' eyes by entering the room.

"We . . . I think what might be happening is that your soul got sort of . . . disconnected, to put it bluntly. And so it's reaching for the veil, even though you're still here. That's why you keep getting pulled away from me." Knowing that this was hardly comforting, Remus squeezed both of Sirius' hands.

"But . . . isn't that the same as dying?" Sirius asked, feeling terribly confused.

"No, it's not, because your body is alive, and we keep tugging your soul back towards it," Remus told him.

"The problem," Snape said, and paused until he was sure he had Sirius' attention, "is that you want to live, but your soul knows where it belongs, which is dead. I'm assuming you severed most of your connection between body and soul when you crossed the barrier this way. That's why you felt yourself die, even though you were, in fact, coming back to life."

"But it's okay, Sirius," Remus said, squeezing his hand again. Sirius was looking like he felt very off kilter. "We think that we can fix it. Or at least keep it under control."

"That's good, I think," Sirius managed. Although he didn't want to die, he was also reluctant to give up the sense of belonging that went with being nowhere.

Remus opened his mouth to say something, but Snape beat him to it, saying dryly, "It's a good thing, Black. It's not like you're giving up death forever."

"I do know how you feel . . ." Remus said quietly, "but you don't want to go just yet, do you?" He paused, then forced himself to say the next words. "If you do . . . you can."

Sirius gave Remus a startled look, then said forecefully, "No. No, of course not."

Remus wilted against him, nearly overcome with relief. Trying to say goodbye to Sirius once had been hard enough; he didn't think he could have survived a second time. "Oh, good," he managed. "Then we . . . we'll just have to fix it, that's all."

Snape rolled his eyes at Remus' insistence that it could be 'fixed.' "Shall I leave you two to you cuddling and drivel?" Although he never would have admitted it, he felt almost embarrassed to be watching their display of affection.

Remus fixed him with a glare, then simply sighed. He didn't have the energy to deal with Snape's taunting. "I wouldn't call it drivel, but if you know what sort of potion to make, by all means, leave us to it."

Sirius was also glaring daggers and other nasty things, but didn't comment, although his lips curled back in a snarl. Snape glared right back. "I'd advise you to keep an eye on Black until I let you know it's ready. It may take a week or two. I have to invent this as I go." He gave them a nasty little smile and left the room, although he had never really entered it to begin with.

"You know, I really didn't ever want him finding out about us . . ." Remus said with a sigh.

"If he says a word, I'll make him very sorry," Sirius vowed.

"I'm sure you will," Remus said, with a faint smile. "But . . . you're really okay with this? With . . . trying to bind your soul to your body again? Snape said it would be more of a maintainence thing than a permanent fix, but . . ." His voice softened. "I just want . . . I want you to be sure."

Sirius leaned against him, resting his head on Remus' shoulder. "I don't want to die yet. I haven't even had a proper chance to be happy."

"I'll just have to see that you get that chance, then." Remus hugged him tightly.

"That would be nice," Sirius mused. "Being happy for a change."

"I'll make sure of it," Remus said fiercely. "I promise. I won't let anything happen."

"I always thought it was interesting that you could never defend yourself but were willing to take on the world to defend others," Sirius remarked, snuggling comfortably into his embrace.

Remus smiled slightly. "Mostly just you, love. I could never let anyone hurt you."

"I don't deserve you. You know that?" Sirius asked, and yawned unexpectedly. He was suddenly rather tired.

"Of course you do. You're the only person on earth who's ever understood me and loved me for who I was. What could make you more deserving than that?" Remus sounded honestly surprised, as if he had never contemplated the thought of Sirius not deserving him before.

"Maybe that made it all right once, but then I left you for fourteen years," Sirius stated. He was still huddled up to him; although he thought he didn't really deserve him, he still wasn't about to give him up. "You deserved better than that."

"Sirius, that wasn't your choice. I know that . . . and I hope that someday, you will too. You never meant to leave me . . . and you never will again, as long as you don't have to. That's enough." Remus leaned down and kissed his forehead, praying that he was right and that it would be enough.

"If you say it's enough then it is." Sirius stifled another yawn. "I'm tired."

"Then let's get some rest." Remus closed his eyes and held him.

****

Remus was staring down at the book he was supposedly reading, his mind in a very far away place. The potion that Snape had made for Sirius seemed to be working fairly well, at least keeping him from drifting off during the day and curbing some of the sleepwalking. Sirius was more like his normal self since his resurrection, although it was far more like his post-Azkaban self than how he'd been when they'd been young.

Most of the time.

Sirius came up behind him and wrapped his arms around Remus' shoulders, leaning in so his lips were very close to Remus' ear. "What are you reading?" he asked in a low voice.

Remus tensed and tried to not shiver, but failed. He managed to stop the trembling after a brief second. "A book," he said. He couldn't really give a better answer than that, since he'd barely been reading it.

"Really?" Sirius asked, his mouth still dangerously close to Remus' ear.

"Obviously, yes." Remus cleared his throat. "It's really rather interesting."

"It'll still be there later," Sirius said. Apparently, he thought he had been a good boy for long enough.

"I never said it wouldn't." Remus closed the book with a decisive snap and stood, freeing himself from Sirius' arms. He thought that the best policy might be to change the subject, before this went too far. "Would you like to go outside? It's a beautiful day today."

"I think I could be quite happy in here," Sirius said. He had started to notice that Remus' behavior seemed a little off, but was hoping that he was just being paranoid.

Remus gave him a nice, normal smile. "You're turning down a chance to go inside? I think I must have fallen asleep and I'm dreaming this strange encounter."

Sirius blinked at him. "Maybe. Are you turning down a chance of complete and uninterrupted privacy?"

"We've had complete and uninterrupted privacy for three days straight," Remus replied, dryly amused. "This isn't something new."

"And I'm wondering why we haven't been using them for anything," Sirius said thoughtfully.

Remus just sighed. "Well, you've been rather skittish, admit it."

"A bit, yes, but I'm not now," Sirius said. He paused, then said hesitantly, "Though you seem to be."

"I just . . ." Remus took a deep breath, and forced the words out. Sirius deserved to know what he was thinking. "You're hard to predict lately, and I don't want to do anything you're not ready for."

"Fair enough," Sirius said, his tone of voice clearly suggesting that he was reading for a lot more that picnics and books.

"All right then," Remus said, and hesitated uncertainly.

"Oh, Moony, what's wrong?" Sirius asked. He was upset and uncertain, but he was also determined to get to the bottom of what was making Remus act so strangely.

"Nothing's wrong, it's just . . . just that everything's different and I don't know how to act or what to say anymore," Remus said, pushing both his hands through his hair and trying not to sound as upset as he really was.

"I'm still the same person I was," Sirius said insistently.

"I know," Remus replied. "But you can't deny that things aren't the same."

"No, they aren't, but they aren't that different," Sirius said. "Are they?"

"I guess I don't really know," Remus said, staring fixedly out the window so he wouldn't have to look at Sirius.

Sirius walked over and gently turned Remus' face towards him so the werewolf had no choice but to meet his eyes. "Do you want things to be different?" he asked quietly, almost fearfully, because that was what he was starting to think.

"No!" Remus protested, startled. "Of course not! I want everything to be the way it was, but that can't happen. I know it can't. I just . . . I can't get used to it."

"Then don't," Sirius said, hoping that Remus didn't notice how confused and upset he was. He was trying his best to keep a lid on it. "Things between us shouldn't have changed so much that we can't even kiss."

"I just . . . I don't know how things are going to be. I want to fix this more than anything, but I don't know how. I don't even know where to start."

Sirius put both his hands on either side of Remus' face. "Then stop planning, Moony, and just do."

"I want to!" Remus protested. "But I can't! One of us has to be sensible and God only knows that it's never been you. I want to fix this before we do something we can't take back later."

Sirius' hands fell slowly to his sides. "What is there to be sensible about? This isn't about sense, it's about love. What am I missing?"

Remus shook his head. "I don't know. You're right, I'm overthinking." He realized suddenly that he had upset Sirius, and felt like a jerk. "I just don't know what to do."

"You saved me," Sirius said insistently. "Brought me back. What else is there left to do but start living again?"

"I don't know how," Remus whispered.

Sirius pulled him into a tight hug. "Yes, you do, Moony. I know you do. What you did for me is not something that can come from a man that doesn't know how to live or love."

"I'm just . . ." Remus' voice trailed off for a few seconds, then he said reluctantly, "I'm scared. I've lost you twice now. I won't survive a third time, I know I won't."

Sirius kissed him gently, more for comfort than anything else. "You won't have to. I promise." Whether this promise was that he wouldn't go away again or that if he did he would wait for Remus, he didn't know. All he knew was that he was promising they would be together.

Remus clung to him. "I'm just so tired . . ."

Sirius hugged back tightly. "I know. We both are. We're burned out, and every time one of us gets back on our feet again something just knocks us down. It's hard." His own voice was starting to choke now, and he hugged Remus even harder. "It's so hard to just hold it together sometimes."

Remus buried his face in Sirius'shoulder. "Everything's gone wrong so many times . . . I'm just so tired of trying to put it all back together again just so someone else can tear it apart."

"I know," Sirius said, sagging down to the floor and pulling Remus with him. "But I promise we'll never be apart again. I promise. I promise."

"I'm scared." Remus' fists clenched down in Sirius' shirt. "I'm so scared."

"I know. But we'll never be apart again. Never. I couldn't take it." Sirius held him close as Remus tried to regain control of his emotions. "I love you so very much," he said, his tone somehow both fierce and close to tears. "You know that, don't you? Thinking of you helped keep me sane all this time. I'm not letting you go."

"I love you too," Remus whispered, then fell silent.

Sirius kissed him again, still gentle, but definitely looking for something more than just a kiss. Remus kissed back with an intensity that approached desperation, still clinging. "I love you so much," he said.

"I know," Sirius said, kissing him breathless. "I'll never leave you again. We'll never be apart. Never."

"But -- " Remus abruptly pulled away. "What if I die? You can't leave Harry. You just can't."

Sirius didn't even bother with the bullshit that Remus wouldn't die, because he knew that it might not be true. "Then I'll figure something out. We will not be separated ever again."

"I would wait for you . . ." Remus said softly. "As long as it took, I would keep waiting."

"I know. You wouldn't have to. I'd figure something out, I promise I would." Sirius kissed him again. "But don't talk about dying. We aren't dying. We are very much alive."

"Sometimes it's all I can think about," Remus said, but seemed quite content to keep kissing, despite the morbid conversation, his fingers twining in Sirius' hair.

"Then stop thinking," Sirius told him. "No more death. I've had enough of it."

"We can pretend we'll live forever?" Remus asked.

"Maybe we will. I can believe in almost anything now," Sirius said, one hand resting on the back of Remus' neck and pulling him in closer, the other arm wrapped securely around his waist.

They held each other close and tried to believe.

****