Chapter Nine

Sirius was watching Remus move around the Room of Requirement, packing for their trip. "What are you packing?" he finally asked, his curiosity taking over. "What can we possibly need? We have clothes, the potion, and our wands."

"Oh, I don't know," Remus said. "I was trying to think of things like . . . food. Blankets. Lanterns."

Sirius shrugged.

"Oh, please don't tell me those things hadn't occurred to you," Remus said, standing there with a pillow in his hands.

"We don't really need them," Sirius said. "We're going into the Forest. Okay, you might need blankets. I have fur. Light? I got used to going without it."

"We're not going into just any forest," Remus pointed out. "We'll want light at night. We'll want to light fires to keep away the beasties. We'll want food because there might not be any game to catch, and even if there is, I don't want to waste time catching it."

"Sorry," Sirius said.

"I'm just surprised you didn't think of it," Remus said with a sigh. "At least we're not Muggles -- we can light fires with our wands, rather than having to bring something for that, too. Technically, we don't need the lanterns, either, but it seems a good idea to be prepared."

"I'm not used to it," Sirius said.

Remus reached over and poked him in the nose. "Well, get used to it, because I fully plan on making sure you are fed, blanketed, and kept in well-lit places for the rest of your life."

Sirius laughed. "I'm having trouble arguing with that."

"Besides," Remus said, "we'll want at least one blanket."

"Oh, Moony," Sirius said, amused, "that's lewd. We might want a couple. Twigs in nasty places."

Remus closed up his last pack and went over to Sirius, settling himself carelessly in Sirius' lap. "Seeing as this is the last time we'll have an actual bed at our disposal, I think we had best make good use of it."

"Do you really," Sirius said, wrapping his arms around Remus' waist and pulling him closer.

"Oh, definitely," Remus said.

"Mm hmm."

****

Sirius managed to keep Remus from either worrying himself to death or packing too much for them to carry. Dumbledore saw them off the next morning at the edge of the forest. "I wish you the best of luck," he said, then said with a slight twinkle in his eye, "I assume that you have left Mr. Potter some means of communicating with you, in case I need you?"

"Of course," Sirius said. He paused, then added, "He's got a magic mirror."

"Ah," Dumbledore said. "Excellent. You two have authority to negotiate on my behalf, of course."

"Oh goody," Sirius said.

Dumbledore gave Remus a steady look. The werewolf was looking smaller, paler, and much more unhappy than usual. "I'm sure that everything will work out, Remus," Dumbledore told him.

Remus smiled thinly. "I wish I shared your confidence."

"It'll go fine," Sirius said quickly. "We're due for good luck, remember?"

"Right," Remus said. "How could I forget." He nodded briefly at Dumbledore, picked up his pack, and headed purposefully into the forest. Sirius followed suit. For a while, they traveled in silence. Sirius was so blissful at being out in the open that he wasn't much for conversation.

"How far into the forest do you think we went when we were little?" Sirius asked, after about an hour without a word.

"I'm not sure," Remus said. "Certainly never more than an hour or two's walk, and we had shorter legs back then. I'm sure that we're farther in by now, and it'll probably take us at least a few days to reach the werewolves. If that few."

"I think we've been in this far before," Sirius said, glancing around.

"Really?" Remus asked. "It doesn't look familiar, but I suppose it was a long time ago."

"Yeah," Sirius said. "I mean, during the full moon. Legs moved a lot faster when we were on four of them."

Remus stopped dead. "We were out here during the full moon?"

"Mm hmm," Sirius said, as if this wasn't a big deal at all. He continued walking, and Remus hastened to catch up.

"We were supposed to stay in the Shrieking Shack," he protested. "I could have hurt somebody! And what's more, you never even told me that I'd gotten out and wandered around!"

"Well, you didn't precisely get out," Sirius corrected. "And I never really had a chance to tell you. You never hurt anyone, except a few rabbits."

"You shouldn't have let me!" Remus said, completely aghast at this. "I let you stay there with me because you were supposed to keep me in control!"

"We did," Sirius said. "We just didn't have to be in that stuffy little room."

Remus looked like he had an enormous headache. He continued walking without a word.

"You never hurt anyone," Sirius said. "You never even showed any inclination towards it. When we let you out, you bolted towards the forest every time."

"Is that supposed to comfort me?" Remus asked snappishly.

"Yes," Sirius said. "You didn't want to hurt anyone. You just wanted to run."

"Back to the pack that I was afraid of," Remus said bitterly. "Just goes to show that the wolf and the human really are two separate things."

"I'm not sure it was back to the pack," Sirius said. "It was just into the forest. You never seemed to want to disappear into it. You kind of kept to the edges all on your own."

Remus shrugged and kept walking moodily, kicking at a rock as he passed.

"God, can I say nothing right to you lately?" Sirius asked.

Remus sighed. "Sirius, I'm not . . . I'm not angry, it's just . . . I wish that you hadn't lied to me. And don't say that you didn't, because even if you never outright told a lie, you kept the truth from me. You let me believe that you were keeping me in the Shack and you never told me differently."

"Oh, don't lay this all at my feet," Sirius said. "I would have told you."

"Then why didn't you?" Remus asked sharply.

"Because Wormtail was convinced that it would only upset you, and James waffled an awful lot, and sometimes I trusted him to keep us out of trouble when I couldn't."

Remus snorted. "Which was always."

Sirius glanced at him. "Do you honestly think that I would have let you hurt anyone?"

Remus said nothing. He just kept walking.

Sirius sighed. "That's it, I'm just never going to speak ever again. Clearly, I shouldn't open my mouth."

"Well, I'm sorry," Remus said. "You can't blame me for not having the utmost faith in whether or not you would have kept me from killing anyone when at one point you deliberately set me up to kill someone."

"You really don't understand how awful I feel about that, do you," Sirius said quietly. "Even if it was Snape."

"I understand," Remus said. "I understand how much you scared yourself when you did that. I forgave you for it a long time ago, but don't just say that you would have kept me from hurting people. If Snape had wound up wandering around the forest for whatever reason and you'd been letting me out for my monthly run, he'd be dead right now."

"No, I wouldn't have even let you hurt him," Sirius said. "Because you'd know, and you'd feel awful."

Remus wrapped his robes around himself tighter and said nothing, continuing through the forest.

They walked in silence for a few minutes.

"I'm sorry," Sirius said. "You looked so unbelievably miserable."

"I was," Remus said thinly. "But knowing that I was taking chances with other people's lives wouldn't have made me feel better. I had a hard enough time even letting you and James and Peter stay with me, but I couldn't stop you from it. I was always -- " His voice choked momentarily. "I was always petrified that I was going to hurt one of you, and that I wouldn't be able to stop myself. I don't want to hear that I was running around loose in the forest, all right? I just don't want to hear it."

Sirius came up behind him, wrapping his arms around Remus' waist. "You never hurt any of us," he reminded Remus gently. "And we knew the chances that we were taking."

"I wonder," Remus said, although his voice was thoughtful, not discouraged. "I wonder if we truly did understand. Everything was simple and safe back then, even for me. Looking back on it, I can't help but think about how incredibly naïve the whole lot of us were."

"That's called being a kid, Remus," Sirius said. "And I did know the chance I was taking. I could die or be turned into a werewolf. Neither of those things happened, but I knew they could have. It was worth it to make sure you weren't so miserable."

"Knowing and understanding are two different things," Remus pointed out.

"I understood," Sirius said quietly.

Remus again said nothing, but he leaned backwards, resting more fully against Sirius.

"Remus," Sirius said, holding him tighter, "I loved you even then. I understood."

Remus rested his hands on Sirius' momentarily.

"Moony, you're doing that misery thing again," Sirius said. "I can tell."

"But I'm so good at it," Remus said, with a slight smile. He blinked out into the Forest, and his breath caught slightly. "Oh, look -- unicorns."

Sirius peered over Remus shoulder as two unicorns started through a clearing about twenty feet away. For a minute, they merely watched in awed silence. "I'd forgotten how beautiful they are," Sirius said, in a hushed voice.

Remus nodded. Then he smiled. "Of course, we can't touch them anymore, which is rather too bad . . ."

"Oh, I don't know," Sirius said, leaning over and kissing Remus' cheek. "I think it's a fair trade."

Remus laughed. "Shall we go?" he asked, pulling away from Sirius. "We've got quite a ways to go before nightfall."

"Okay."

****

The two picked up their belongings and prepared to go on the next morning. They had only been walking for about fifteen minutes when Remus stopped abruptly. "I think I heard something," he said cautiously, his wand at the ready.

Sirius pulled out his own wand and cautiously looked around. When he turned to look behind him, he jumped slightly. Remus turned, and his jaw dropped. "Oh," he said.

"I forgot they lived here," Sirius managed.

The thestral started forward, its white eyes wide and staring, wings shifting as it walked.

"They really are kind of creepy," Sirius said.

"They won't hurt us, I don't think," Remus said, gesturing slightly. Sirius turned and saw a second one a few yards on his left. "Hagrid has them very well trained. Of course, we're very deep in the forest by now, so . . . they might be wild . . ."

The other thestral started forward. Sirius held out his hands to both of them. The first thestral nudged his hand once, then stepped forward, very close to them. Remus forgot how to breathe. Then the thestral nudged Sirius' hand again.

"They're warm," Sirius said softly. "I didn't think they'd be warm." He gave in to the urge and reached out to pat the thestral on its leathery head.

"They like you," Remus managed. "I suppose it stands to reason, having been dead for quite some time."

"I really hadn't thought about it," Sirius said. The second thestral stepped over and sank to its knees at Sirius' feet, leaning its head against his leg. "They're kind of smooth. Like snake. Or dragon. And apparently rather friendly."

"To you," Remus said. "I've certainly never heard tales of them being friendly to anyone else."

"Well, come over here," Sirius said. "See if they're friendly towards you."

Remus gave him a look like he might rather be fried in oil, then stepped over cautiously. The second thestral lifted its head, stretching its wings momentarily, before settling down again. Remus knelt next to it and stretched out his hand, sure that he was going to lose it. However, the thestral submitted to his touch.

"Uhm, Sirius," Remus said, nodding at the forest, where more thestrals were appearing.

"Can they smell me or something?" Sirius asked curiously. "I didn't know there were this many of them."

"I'd say yes, and . . . and yes, me neither," Remus said.

"They're kind of creeping you out, aren't they."

"Just a little."

"Do you think it means something that they're not creeping me out?" Sirius asked. "They're kind of growing on me, even given their freakish appearance."

"It's the eyes," Remus said. "But yes, it means something."

"Mm," Sirius said thoughtfully, rubbing another thestral underneath the chin. They were by now crowding around him, still completely silent.

"Er, what are you going to do with them all?" Remus asked, somewhat curiously.

"Not something I'd planned, you know," Sirius said.

Remus snorted and sat down on a rock. "Well, see if they'll let you mount. I'm sure we could make much better time if they'd let us fly."

Sirius looked down at the first one. "What do you reckon?" he asked it, slowly walking around it and pulling himself up onto its back. It pawed the ground once, but otherwise didn't react. "It's kinda bony," he said, patting it on the head.

"It's all bone and skin, what d'you expect?" Remus asked, mounting the one that he had first touched. "All right, they haven't eaten us yet. That's a good start. Shall we?"

"Surely."

***

It took them nearly four days to reach where the werewolves had made their lair, deep in the forest. Remus got more and more uneasy as the day progressed, and finally late that afternoon, he turned his head slightly and sniffed the air. "We're not alone," he said. "We've found them."

"Where are they?" Sirius asked, trying to crane his head without looking obvious.

Remus smiled grimly. "Everywhere."

"Spiffing," Sirius said underneath his breath.

Remus raised his voice. "Hello?" he called out. "We're here to see your alpha!"

Within seconds, they were surrounded. Even Sirius had to be slightly alarmed at the people he saw in the trees. Remus had warned him that they were feral, but this seemed to go a step beyond that. Remus seemed unperturbed, although Sirius guessed he was shaking on the inside.

"We need to see your alpha," he said again, abruptly.

"And who are you?" one of the werewolves demanded, stepping forward. "And why shouldn't we kill you for trespassing on our territory?"

"My name is Remus Lupin," he said, and a low murmur went through the crowd. This surprised Sirius; he hadn't expect them to remember him. Remus was steadfastly not looking at Sirius. "And I promise that if you kill me out of hand, at least one of your pack members will be very displeased."

The werewolf looked around uneasily. "Get out," he snarled, starting towards Remus. "Get off our territory."

Sirius stepped in between them.

"As if your kind could stop me," the werewolf sneered.

Sirius sneered right back. "Right. 'Cause you're all big and bad."

"This is stupid," Remus interrupted impatiently. "Just let me see your alpha."

Sirius backed down a little, since Remus seemed to want to keep the peace, but the werewolf in question leapt forward, snarling. Sirius jumped to intercept him before he got to Remus and the two went down in a growling heap.

"Oh, great," Remus muttered. The tussle was very short, and Sirius stood up looking a bit wild and quite pleased with himself.

"Anyone else?" he asked.

"Yes," a new voice said. "Me." A werewolf stepped out of the crowd. He was by far the most muscular and obviously dominant member of the pack. The other werewolves quickly made way for him to pass through. Sirius' jaw could have swept the floor. From the neck up, except for longer hair, the werewolf looked exactly like Remus.

Remus' lips twisted in a slightly bitter smile. "Hello, Quinlan."

Quinlan smiled back. "Hello, Remus. Long time no see."

"Now that's interesting," Sirius managed, looking back and forth. "Any other secrets?"

"You're alpha now?" Remus surmised.

Quinlan nodded, still smiling. "I'm in charge here. And you're on my territory."

"I know," Remus said. "Quite frankly, that's the reason it's me here and not anyone else. I was the only one who had even the vaguest chance of survival."

"Because of me?" Quinlan's smile faded. "I didn't get to be alpha by being soft, you know."

Remus sighed. "You're not going to kill me. Quit posturing."

Quinlan laughed. "It is good to see you, dear brother."

Remus fought the urge to snarl.

"So," Quinlan said, with a slight smile, "what brings you here? The last time I checked, you were fairly determined to never step into this forest or see me again. Has something changed?"

Sirius opened his mouth to say something, then saw the look on Remus' face and decided to keep his mouth shut.

"You know that what happened had nothing to do with you," Remus told Quinlan in a taut, strained voice. "I would have stayed with you if I could. I just . . . couldn't."

"My, my," Quinlan said dryly, "marvel at the usefulness of that answer. You still haven't answered my question, twin. Why are you here?"

Sirius tried to hold back his snarls. Knowing what Remus had looked like the last time he had come back from an encounter with the pack, it was difficult to keep from saying something nasty to Quinlan. It didn't help that Quinlan seemed determined to be an utter bastard.

"I came with a message from Albus Dumbledore," Remus said heavily. "May we speak to you in private?"

Quinlan's lips twisted in a slightly bitter smile, recognizing that Remus was being overly polite and treating him like the alpha to put distance between them. "Certainly," he said, sneering slightly. "Although you might want to keep in mind that now that you've found our lair, we can't technically let you leave alive."

Remus sighed. "As I said. You're not going to kill me, so quit posturing. Really, Quin, why did you always have to act so immature?"

Quinlan snorted. He turned and walked away without waiting to see if Remus and Sirius were going to follow, or how any of the other werewolves were going to react. Remus sighed and went after him, gesturing for Sirius to come with him. Sirius declined to comment on the fact that he was not about to leave Remus' side for just about any reason in the book.

A few minutes later, they reached a small clearing. Quinlan sat down gracefully, folding his legs underneath himself, and motioned for them to sit. Sirius flopped down onto the ground, folding in on himself. Remus sat down with a slight thud. "What's the message?" Quinlan asked abruptly.

"It's more of an offer," Remus said. "This pack has always been responsible for the protection of the heart of the forest. We believe that it's now in jeopardy of being controlled or taken by Voldemort."

Quinlan snorted again. "You can't 'take' the heart of the forest," he said disdainfully.

"No, but its power can be taken," Remus said. "But we think that Voldemort would actually have to come into physical contact to do that. So the welfare of your pack is in danger. Voldemort is a powerful wizard, and as long as he comes the other twenty-four days of the lunar cycle . . ."

There was a brief silence. "That sounded more like a warning than an offer," Quinlan finally said.

"The heart of the forest needs more protection than ever," Remus said. "Normally, just you being there keeps others from coming . . . now we think you may have to actually fight. He wanted to be sure that you wouldn't just let Voldemort take its power."

Quinlan shrugged. "You know that this pack cares nothing for the wars of wizards."

Remus frowned at him. Quinlan had sneered at that last word as if it was profanity.

"Yeah, and we know that Voldemort will chew you up and spit you out just like everyone else if he comes to power," Sirius retorted. Remus put a hand on his shoulder briefly.

"Not if we offer to help him," Quinlan said with a shrug.

"That's kind of what we're here trying to prevent," Remus said dryly. "Besides, you're smart enough to know that evil wizards don't necessarily reward their followers."

"So you want us to protect the heart of the forest from Voldemort, despite the fact that doing so could cost me members of my pack," Quinlan stated. "That's my part. What's yours? What do we get?"

"What do you want?" Remus asked.

Quinlan burst into laughter. "Do you honestly mean to tell me that you came all this way without anything concrete to offer?"

"Dumbledore authorized me to negotiate on his behalf," Remus said sharply. "But he didn't give me a base figure. Tell me what you want, and I'll tell you whether or not it's possible."

"All right," Quinlan said. "To start with, I want all of the anti-werewolf legislation abolished. Not that I care, given that it doesn't affect me or my pack, but I try to watch out for the other packs that still live in populated areas."

"You do not," Remus said, annoyed. "You're only asking for that because you know I can't grant it."

"Besides," Sirius interrupted, "if you think we're not trying to get that anyway, you're crazy. Let's be reasonable here."

"Actually," Quinlan said, "I do watch out for the other packs, and you know that. That's why you came to me, isn't it? Because what this pack does, the other packs follow."

"Yes," Remus said. "I just didn't expect you to be alpha."

"Live and learn, little brother," Quinlan said with a smile.

"Quin," Remus said with a sigh, "I forgot how arrogant and obnoxious you really are."

Sirius smiled a little, trying to keep the tone of the conversation light. He could tell that Remus and Quinlan were ready to leap for each other's throats. "Now I know why you always got along with me."

Remus just gave him a tired look.

"And I," Quinlan said, "forgot what a pathetic goody-two-shoes that you are."

Sirius just outright laughed at that.

"Do you have something to add?" Quinlan asked pleasantly. "Keeping in mind that you're trespassing on my territory and at a twitch of my fingers, my pack will rip out your throat."

"Keeping that in mind, in all honesty, Remus has been anything but a goody two-shoes," Sirius said, amused despite the gravity of the situation. "But that's not the point here."

"No, it's not," Quinlan said. "The point is that there's nothing you and your kind can offer my pack. I would tell you to leave, but you know that I can't let that happen. I could order you killed, but as Remus has so astutely pointed out, I would be posturing. So I suppose I'm going to have to hold you captive until I figure out what to do with you."

"How 'bout not," Sirius said, trying not to snarl. "And we can continue to discuss this like reasonable adults."

Remus smiled slightly at Quinlan's taken aback look. "You really don't want to threaten him with captivity," he said dryly. "Come on, Quinlan, you know we can settle this. There must be something else that you want. Or something else the other werewolves want. Dumbledore said he was prepared to offer Hogwarts schooling to all werewolves."

Quinlan's lip curled in a more vicious sneer. "Werewolves who are wizards are traitors to their kind," he said.

"I hardly think that qualifies one as a traitor," Sirius said, seeing that Remus looked like he might actually blow his stack, and that was just never good. "All it means is that they know how to use magic."

"Oh, please," Quinlan said. "Look at the laws the wizards have invented to keep us crushed under their boot heel. Look at how they treat us. Look at the hunters they send into this forest to kill members of my pack. Don't you remember the lessons in Dark Arts, Remus? The month before we picked you up? You said you couldn't go to class for a week because they were teaching you about how evil, how cruel, how dark we werewolves were. You -- "

"Oh, shut up," Sirius said. "Those lessons were rubbish then and they're rubbish now, and how do you expect to change society when you won't even become involved in it?"

"I don't expect to change society," Quinlan said sharply. "I expect society to leave us alone. And that includes both of you and your high wizarding friends, as well as Voldemort."

"It's all the well and good to want that," Sirius snarled, "but Voldemort won't leave you alone."

"I will do whatever it takes to protect my pack!" Quinlan shouted. "And yes, if that means surrendering the heart of the forest so my wolves aren't killed, that's what I'll do. There's nothing you can offer me that's worth the lives of my pack. Nothing."

"He will take what he wants, and then he'll kill you," Sirius said. "Because he can't control you, and he's not stupid enough to leave you alive. Or his Death-Eaters will come in and start killing you for fun, surrender or no."

"So basically, you traveled all this way to tell us that either way, my wolves are going to be killed?" Quinlan asked furiously.

"No," Sirius said, "we're requesting your help, and wondering what we can do to help you and prevent that."

"I know how to prevent it," Quinlan said. "We'll retreat deeper into the forest. No one can get that far in, not even him. We'll just abandon it. It's not like we care what happens to the wizards."

"Quin," Remus interrupted quietly, "if the heart of the forest dies, so does the forest. You know that. You must know that by now. You won't have anywhere to go if you allow this."

Quinlan opened his mouth to reply, then looked away.

"So what can we do to help you?" Sirius asked quietly.

"I will not accept help from wizards," Quinlan said through ground teeth.

"So accept a deal," Sirius said impatiently. "An even trade."

There was a long silence.

"What can you possibly offer me?" Quinlan asked quietly.

"We can't offer you anything until we know what you want," Remus told him.

Quinlan looked up with a sudden, sharp smile. "All right," he said. "I'll need some time to think about it." He paused just long enough for Sirius and Remus to exchange a slightly nervous look. "And actually, there's one thing that I want right now," he added.

"And what's that?" Remus asked.

"I want you to stay," Quinlan said. "Twenty years ago, you turned down the open invitation to be a member of this pack. You left me abandoned in this forest without any family except them. If we agree to protect the heart of the forest, you stay and protect it with me."

"You know we can't do that," Remus said. "If you've paid any attention to the outside world, you know that we can't just walk away from what's happening."

"I thought this was an important task," Quinlan said.

"It is. That's why we're entrusting it to you. But the others still need us, and we cannot just abandon them."

"If we abandon our duty, it's all a lost cause anyway," Sirius added.

Quinlan snorted. "From you, I believe that. But from Remus? No, as usual, my dear twin is making up excuses to run from what he is. He has his entire life. I suppose it was stupid to think that things would be different now. The world doesn't need him."

"I need him," Sirius said simply. "And the world needs me."

Quinlan turned slightly, giving both of them a close look. Then he smiled slightly. "All right," he said, "but really, you have no idea what I'm talking about. If Remus can't accept what he is, I'll make him." He looked at his brother. "Stay. For one month. Be with the pack for one full moon, and if you still want to leave after that, you can, as long as you agree to never come back."

Remus looked at him for a few seconds, then nodded shortly. "Agreed."

Sirius opened his mouth, then shut it again. He didn't particularly think that agreeing to this was the best idea Remus had ever had. He could already foresee a disaster at the month's end.

"I'll think about what else I want from you wizards," Quinlan said with a dry smile. "Until then, feel free to enjoy our hospitality. You'll be guests of the pack."

"Thank you," Sirius said quickly, before Remus could interrupt with something sarcastic.

Quinlan smirked. "It's good to see you, Remus."

Remus stood up and walked away, into the forest.

"He's still touchy, isn't he," Quinlan said, smiling at Sirius.

"He's had a rough couple decades," Sirius replied. "And the past couple of months have been even worse."

"I believe they must have been," Quinlan said. "You're Sirius Black, aren't you. I heard that you were dead."

"Yeah, well," Sirius said.

"And you're my brother's . . ." Quinlan's voice trailed off in an obvious invitation for Sirius to finish the sentence for him.

"Lover," Sirius said. "You're very astute."

Quinlan smiled a little. "He could have been alpha, you know. He doesn't believe that, but he could have been. If we'd both been in this pack, it's really a tossup as to who would have come out on top."

"No, he does underestimate himself quite often," Sirius agreed. "But on a purely selfish note, I'm glad he was with me. Otherwise, I'd be dead. Repeatedly. I think I'll go get him now, before he gets eaten by a spider or something."

"Oh, the spiders are that way," Quinlan said, pointing to his right. "Where Remus went, he's heading towards the manticore lair."

"Oh, spiffing," Sirius said. "I'll be going now." He expected that Remus could probably handle manticores on his own, given that they were rather stupid, but he wasn't sure that he'd want to. He waited until he was out of sight from Quinlan and shifted so he could track Remus.

He found him sitting on a large rock, looking gloomy. Sirius padded over and put his head in Remus' lap. Remus glanced down at him and his lips twitched in a smile. He scratched behind Sirius' ears. Sirius waited for a while, until he thought he had offered all the silent comfort he could give, before shifting back.

"What's wrong?" he asked, still lying half in Remus' lap. "Specifically."

"I just . . . I didn't expect him to be alpha," Remus said quietly. "Seeing him again, that I could have dealt with. But having to deal with him personally, as leader of his pack . . . no, I wasn't prepared for that."

"It does seem rather harsh," Sirius agreed. "But on the upside, this might turn out okay."

"It would have been easier with anyone else," Remus said. "Werewolves hold grudges against wizards, sure, but for Quin it's personal. He hates wizards and everything they represent, because that's why he lost me."

"I don't think it is," Sirius said. "You lost each other, partly because you wanted different things, and partly because of what the pack did to you."

Remus shrugged. "Quinlan couldn't have stopped that. He was only eleven. He asked them to get me for him, but he couldn't control what they did to me once I was here."

"Well, no, I didn't think he did," Sirius said. "But . . . it's not just your magic that caused this separation. I think he's just angry, not blaming it on the right thing."

"It doesn't really make much different," Remus said.

"I don't know," Sirius said. "I think it might make a difference to you."

Remus just shrugged again.

"Why didn't you ever tell us you had a brother?" Sirius asked curiously.

"I don't know . . . I suppose because it hurt so much to talk about," Remus said. "When Dumbledore first invited Quinlan and I to the school, we were nine years old. He was trying to prepare for us. Quinlan wandered off into the forest and we never found him. Not even Hagrid could. I think that really, Quinlan was called to it. We never really got along, not after we got turned. He was fascinated by what he was . . . and I was terrified by it."

"That's probably part of Quinlan's problem," Sirius pointed out. "He has no one to blame but himself."

"He tried to get me back," Remus said. "He had the pack collect me during that one full moon. But I couldn't accept him or his pack. Even before they hurt me, I couldn't. That was why they hurt me -- to try to get me to defend myself, to embrace that side of myself."

Sirius just shook his head. "That was the wrong way to do it."

"Yes, obviously," Remus said, sounding a touch impatient. "But that wasn't Quinlan's decision. He was so hurt that I wouldn't just accept his new family and move right in that after the first few days, he wanted nothing to do with me."

"Are you trying to make this all your fault?" Sirius asked incredulously. "Don't tell me that you weren't hurt by the fact that he couldn't understand what you wanted."

"I didn't know what I wanted, Sirius," Remus said.

"Yes, but you obviously knew what you didn't want," Sirius countered. "And that's just as valid."

Remus just sighed.

"I'm not going to pretend that I can make this okay, or that it's necessarily going to get better, but try not to beat yourself up over it."

"It's just . . . I don't know what it is," Remus said. "I could have had this. I could have been part of this. But I ran away from it . . . and I don't even really know why."

"Because it's not what you wanted," Sirius said. "I think you're just upset now because you missed your brother and now you have him back. Sort of."

"It wasn't that I didn't want it," Remus said quietly. "It was just that I was afraid of it."

"Then you weren't ready to have it," Sirius said. "If you were afraid, you would have continued to be that way. And if they'd made you stay, you would have just been angry and afraid."

"I don't regret what I did," Remus said, reaching down and smoothing Sirius' hair. "I don't regret what I have now. I just . . . wish Quinlan could understand, that's all."

"That seems entirely reasonable," Sirius told him.

"I'm sorry I never told you," Remus said.

"I always thought you could have used a brother," Sirius said. "You seemed the type."

Remus laughed softly.

"You want to go get something to eat, before you waste away the rest of the way?" Sirius asked.

"All right," Remus agreed.

Sirius stood up and pulled Remus to his feet, giving him a brief kiss before they headed back to the clearing.

****