UNDERGROUND

(Christine wanders about and at the same time looks like she's on crack. She comes across the boat, gets in and starts to row.)

Pirate in audience (now standing): Who stands up to row, honestly. This movie is just riddled with inaccuracy. (notices people staring at him) I mean, argh, shiver your timbers and swab the deck because I spots me a whale. Argh.

(Once Christine sees where the Phantom lives she ties up the boat and goes inside. He is playing the organ and she sings for him.)

Christine: Did the rats teach you how to play that?

(Then they have sex. Randomly.)

Asia Argento: Daddy, I'm sick of doing sex scenes in your movies.

Dario Argento: Quiet you little slut. You'll have sex and you'll like it, or no allowance for you.

(Next, he decides to sodomize her.)

Christine: But my love, I don't pound butt.

Phantom: No, but your shoes say you take it in the butt.

(When they're finally finished, the Phantom gives Christine his ring.)

Different less rabid POTO phan: Hey, that was actually in the book.

CHRISTINE'S DRESSING ROOM

Honorine (to Raoul): I'm sorry but she's been missing for the past four hours.

Raoul: Do you know where she went?

Honorine: No, but she kept chanting something about a sacrifice. Does that mean anything to you?

Raoul: No. Well, please tell her I'm looking for her.

(He leaves and there is a shot of a fly traveling around the room.)

Fly: This is What's the Buzz, starring me, Philomena Fly.

(Honorine throws her shoe at the fly opening up the secret passageway behind Christine's mirror.)

UNDERGROUND

(Ignace is crawling around, looking for a way out while Christine plays the organ.)

Phantom: It is time for you to replace Carlotta. Stay here.

Christine: No, I'm coming with you.

Phantom: Stay here.

Christine: No.

Phantom: Yes.

Christine: No.

Phantom: Yes.

Christine: Rabbit season.

Phantom: Duck season.

Christine: Rabbit season.

(The Phantom pushes her to the ground and runs to the boat. Christine is left alone and starts to cry.)

Narrator: Thus by chance, a mysterious bond is forged between the abandoned child and his whore.

Dario Argento: I thought I told you to leave.

Narrator: I know, but it's so hard to find work and I think I'm falling in love with you Dario.

Dario (taking out a gun): Get down on your knees and tell me you love me.

(A gunshot is heard and the movie continues.)

CARLOTTA'S DRESSING ROOM

(Carlotta is busy getting ready and Sir Fopling is nancing about the room cleaning.)

Carlotta: Fop, oh fop! Could you please go get my other costume.

Sir Fopling (foppishly): Yes Madame.

(After he leaves she hears the Phantom speaking to her.)

Phantom's Disembodied Voice: You will not sing Romeo and Juliet. If you defy me I will punish you Jabba the Hutt.

Carlotta: I am not Jabba the Hutt. Bee kee coco raca.

Sir Fopling (somewhere in the distance): Carlotta please help me! Carlotta!

(She goes to look for him, but walks right past his body. She is accosted by the Phantom. He decides to rip open her dress and scratch her boob. Even after all this she is still determined to sing.)

THE THEATRE

(The Phantom pounds at the chandelier's support.)

Less rabid POTO phan (sarcastically): Gee, I wonder what's going to happen now.

(The chandelier collapses and many people die unrealistic looking deaths. In the process, a piece of scenery falls on Carlotta's head.)

Carlotta: I hate Mondays.