UNDERGROUND

(Christine looks very pensive as she ponders her fate.)

Christine: What's happening here? Where's my name-less love? Where's anybody? If only I hadn't made this journey. If only I hadn't gotten in that boat. If only I were amongst friends, or sane persons. Oh my love, what have you done?

(She stares into the candle in front of her and starts singing.)

Christine (singing): Papa, can you hear me? Papa, can you help me not be frightened? Looking at the skies I seem to see a million eyes, which one are yours?

(The Phantom is rowing, and having a very difficult time because he's standing up, back to his lair and Christine runs out to wait for him.)

Christine: You're late.

Phantom: For a very important date. I know. But, more importantly, you shall play Juliet and I will be there with you.

Christine: I don't want the role and I don't want to be raped either.

Phantom: Who said I was going to rape... Now that's an idea.

(He decides to rape her. In the ass of course.)

THE PHANTOM'S BEDROOM

Phantom: Don't worry, you'll get used to being tortured, raped, and locked in a birdcage from now on.

Christine: Birdcage?

(The Phantom's need to feel manly continues and Ignace, who is still wandering around by the way, happens to watch all this through a hole in the "wall.")

Ignace: Free peep show. It's my lucky day. (He giggles like a schoolgirl and looks away.) I can't watch, I can't. (He looks back.) Well, maybe just a little bit more.

(Christine wakes up later to discover that she is even more disheveled and scantily dressed than before. So, in her usual crack induced stupor she wanders about until she finds the Phantom who just happens to be sticking rats down his pants. Which ruined his platonic relationship with them up until this point.)

Phantom (singing): One hundred rats crawling around my lair. One hundred rats crawling around. Take one down, put it in my pants, ninety-nine rats crawling around my lair.

(Christine, horrified by this display of beastiality, runs from the room and escapes in the boat. The Phantom decides to emerge when she's just far enough away where he can't catch her.)

Phantom (thinking): She's not in my bed with it's luxurious pink sheets, she's not under the rug. Where could she be? Let me think. I left her alone and I left the boat right where she could steal it. So, if I were a whore, where would I be? A street corner? No, there are no street corners underground.

(twelve hours later)

Phantom: Wait, I could use my telepathic powers to find her. (He has visions of Christine running rampant through Mardi-Gras.) So that's where a whore would go. A Girls Gone Wild taping. (He discovers her shoes on the floor.) And I can use these as a make shift boat.

UNDERGROUND

Raoul: Christine! Christine!

Christine: Oh my other love, thank God I found you.

(She clings to him madly.)

Raoul (smiling): I guess I am that kind of brother.

Christine: How did you find me?

Raoul: Well, I heard that Girls Gone Wild would be shooting beneath the Paris Opera House, so naturally I came looking for you here. That or, I traveled through the secret passageway behind your mirror. I really don't remember, too much hookah.

CHRISTINE'S DRESSING ROOM

Raoul: My darling, you're wearing more clothes than usual. What's wrong?

Christine: There's so much darkness inside of me.

Raoul: I know, but there's nothing to be frightened of. Except possibly my face, but that's not important right now. What's important is having you right here, right now, on this floor.

Christine: I can't. I can't play tiddly-winks with your heart anymore. It's all a lie. There is another, my love. A love who can be such a gently rapist when he isn't teaching the rats to fondle him.

Raoul: You're talking crazy talk and I'm so confused already. I mean, why do I have black hair, why are you so unbelievably slutty, why do strange girls screaming, "Erik forever!" chase me through the streets holding pitchforks?

Christine: That doesn't matter. (pointing to his head) All that matters is what's in here.

Raoul: Then you're screwed.

Christine: At least I'm used to it. Now, let's go make out on the roof.

ROOFTOP

Christine: I need help. Mental help.

Raoul: Don't worry, our love is the life-preserver that will keep us afloat. Our love is the donkey when you need a lift. Our love is like a thousand gumdrops raining down on a monkey with herpes who finds himself magically cured. Our love...

Christine: Please, be quiet.

Raoul: Sorry.

(They kiss. The Phantom watches this display of "affection" and begins to cry.)

Phantom: I will fall in despair and lose all hope without this girl who does not know my name. For who could ever learn to love a beast? (smiling) Wait a minute, I'm not deformed. I can still find love. (singing) Blue skies are gonna clear up, put on a happy face. Brush off the clouds and cheer up... (He skips away merrily.)

Honorine: Come quick, the Maestro needs to speak with you. You'll never guess what happened.

Christine: You found a way to cure my crabs?

Honorine: No, even better. You are going to be Juliet.

THE THEATRE

(Christine sings and glances up happily at box thirteen. She is relieved by the fact that the Phantom is not there watching her.)

Christine (singing): Whyyyyyyy am I nooooot singiiiing Faust? Whyyyy am III singiiiiingggg thiiisss? (all of a sudden she reverts to show-tunes) Let me entertain you, let me make you smile. Let me do a few tricks, some old and then some new tricks. I'm very versatile.

(Ignace finally makes his way back to the Opera House and decides to wander on stage.)

Ignace (pointing at Christine): It's the PHANTOM'S WHORE!

(The Phantom flies down from the rafters like Batman and takes Christine with him. Ignace rounds up a hunting party and Raoul tries to be a hero and goes off on his own.)

UNDERGROUND

Phantom (looking down at Christine): MINE! (hiss) My... Precious!

(Christine hits him in the head with a rock and screams for help. Of course, Raoul hears her shrieks.)

Christine (looking at the wound she inflicted): Forgive me my love. Forgive me.

Phantom: You're almost as bi-polar as me. I knew that we'd be perfect together.

(They run off, with the hunting party not far behind.)

Raoul: Christine! Christine, the stress of having lost you has caused my hair to come out of its ponytail! Christine, you must stop this madness! Oh look, a conveniently placed gun. (He picks it up, only to come across them three minutes later.)

Phantom (to Raoul): Hiding behind your gun?

Raoul: No, I always hide behind my mass of oily hair first and my gun second.

Phantom: But you're still hiding behind your gun.

Raoul: Actually, I'm hiding behind my bullet.

(Raoul shoots the Phantom, but feels bad once he sees Christine's reaction.)

Christine: Let my love be a bullet proof vest for your body.

Phantom: That's a wonderful idea. I knew that you would prove to be useful one day.

(He places Christine's in front of him, after discovering her true purpose in life, as a human shield.)

Phantom: We can't stay Christine, if they catch you they'll kill you.

Less rabid POTO phan: That made no sense! They wouldn't kill her for being kidnapped!

(The less rabid POTO phan grabs a gun and heads off to find Dario Argento. The theatre is now empty of all phans, the majority having either killed themselves or set off on murderous rampages.)

Phantom: Help me! Help her!

(Raoul, Christine, and the Phantom head to the boat. Raoul and Christine leave and the Phantom decides to stay behind and get shot.)

Phantom: Love will save me. (The hunting party shoots him four more times.) I guess I've been sadly mislead.

(There is a horrible fight scene in which Ignace and several name-less character actors die.)

Christine: My love! Don't leave me with this out of canon Raoul! My love!

Phantom: STELLA! I mean, HEATHCLIFF! I mean, CHRISTINE!

(The Phantom is stabbed and falls into the water below.)

Pirate: Argh, he's going to Davey Jones' locker. Argh.

(The ring he gave to Christine falls into the water. It is the first hint of symbolism in the entire movie. Christine has a seizure as Raoul rows farther away from "shore.")

Raoul: Don't worry Christine, you'll always have me.

(She cries even louder. Dramatic music starts to play and... )

THE CREDITS ROLL

(The Phantom wakes up in a room full of light. His wounds are healed and he's alive. Someone emerges from the corner.)

Being of Light: So, you like Opera singers huh?

(The room becomes dark and the Being transforms into the Devil. A big burly man dressed like Christine and wearing a wig picks up the Phantom and carries him off.)

Big Burly Man: I'll show you an angel of music.

Phantom: Save me Jebus!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The very last chapter will be the spoof guide. Alert: shameless plug in...

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Read my story Guys and Balrogs. It has Phantom references a plenty.