Thank you to all the people who sent me feedback on part 1. I totally forgot I had this story up here so I neglected to update as I wrote...sorry.
Part 2
Angel's POV...
The truth is hard to swallow sometimes. I can't hide from any of it anymore. She tried to kill herself. I can't believe it. She was going to die because of me! Here I stand in-between two doors and I don't know which to choose.
Buffy is laying inside the one to my left, machines hooked up her and a bandage over her neck. I want to hold her hand, to tell her I'm sorry, but I don't deserve it. She's better then I am.
Cordelia is in the other room. She's unconscious also. I tell Cordy everything. She knows me inside out. So shouldn't I go talk to her, let my worries out?
I feel like crying, but I know that now is not the time. I'm Angel, the protector, the strength guy. And the only two people who get to see me brake down are in the hospital. Morbidly, I'm glad Cordy is here. If Buffy would have attempted what she did anywhere else, she wouldn't have survived. You don't slit your throat when you are in the hospital. I know she wasn't thinking clearly.
The sad part was that I could feel her on my way to see Cordy. I could sense her pain and anguish, and I didn't care. I wanted her to be mad at me for moving on. I yearned for her to pay for her relationship with my grandvampire. I needed to see her fall down, but most of all, I needed to know that she would fall because of me. For so long, I've blocked her and the feelings that come without. I didn't want to love someone like that. I never asked for her to come into my life because I'm sick of feeling guilty.
If I would have come quicker, I don't know if she would have slit herself sooner or if I could have stopped her. I wish I knew how she found out about Cordelia and I. But I imagine it must be the same way I found out about Spike. The First sure is a bitch.
As I watch from my spot, perched against the cold wall, I feel my skin burning. Why couldn't she come talk to me? Why did she have to try and kill Cordelia? What possibly could have persuaded her that death was the only way out?
The sun has been up for hours now, but I still can't move. My muscles are frozen and my whole body sags. I can feel my eyes dropping, and I want to rest. Actually, I want that final rest. As much as I'm angry and resentful at Buffy for what she's done to herself, I secretly respect it. She did what she wanted. I've felt like letting go and I've wanted to, but hadn't out of fear. It's sad to think that the only reason I'm still here isn't because of my friends or my shanshu or even her, it's because I'm too much of a coward to say good-bye again.
The ironic thing is that I say good-bye a lot. Okay, so maybe I used to just walk away in a cloud of smoke, but I'm different. I've changed. Maybe I've changed so much that even when she waked up, it won't matter. Maybe she'll reach for a knife again and finish herself off? I'm digressing because I don't want to think about everything.
Back to the subject on hand, I said good-bye to the vampire community when I gained my soul; I said good-bye to LA when Buffy moved to good ol' Sunnydale. When she sent me to hell, I kind of said good-bye. When I came to LA I told her I wasn't going to say good-bye, just leave. Come to think of it, when did I ever say good-bye at all? It certainly wasn't when I undid the day I cherish, or when I undid Conner being my son or when I watched Doyle die or when came to visit her on Thanksgiving. I've never said it to anyone before, that's what makes it so hard.
You're probably thinking that it's impossible not to say good-bye! And you're part right. The only time I can actually recall letting something go with a good-bye would be when I went to visit her grave. No one knew that I went. I slipped away from the monastery and said my good-byes. I can still remember how the grass had just started growing in and how I think I killed some of it with the salty tears I cried that night. Saying good-bye is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I can't do it again! So that's why I'm not dead. I'm too ashamed to just die and not leave a note or something to explain myself so that no one feels blame, but I can't write that letter because I can't say good-bye anymore.
It's so messed up and complicated, just like her life.
Buffy used to be my light. She'd take me to places that were only possible in my dreams. My heart grew when I was with her, and I fell so madly in love and dependent on that love, that I couldn't see straight. In retrospect, I know I took it for granted. I assumed that it wouldn't hurt as much as it did when I was away. I didn't expect my heart to fall out and shrivel. I didn't assume that I'd freeze over inside, and all the walls I've since build up are surrounded by me acting like a dork. I guess I thought that everyone would thick I was okay if I acted silly. And it worked, but I know I pissed Wesley off a few times with my ill-timed idiocracy.
I wish I could go back to the secret-night-boyfirend who kissed and made out through a window when his girl was grounded to her room. I even yearn for the days that she had me chained up at the mansion. That's kind of sad; I'll admit it. I'd rather be some hell-like bestial creature than myself.
I should have grown up, but I haven't. The only thing I've been doing I searching for something to give my life meaning like it used to have. What did I come up with? Cordelia! What a shot in the dark that was! how could I have been so stupid. I should have know that no one could ever replace Buffy. I think I was angry and wanted revenge. She had Spike and she knows I hate him with a passion. So I can have Cordelia with whom she rivals against.
Now, I've made my decision. I need to see Buffy. I need to go in that room and say good-bye. After all, her room is the only one with a window.
To Be Continued...
Part 2
Angel's POV...
The truth is hard to swallow sometimes. I can't hide from any of it anymore. She tried to kill herself. I can't believe it. She was going to die because of me! Here I stand in-between two doors and I don't know which to choose.
Buffy is laying inside the one to my left, machines hooked up her and a bandage over her neck. I want to hold her hand, to tell her I'm sorry, but I don't deserve it. She's better then I am.
Cordelia is in the other room. She's unconscious also. I tell Cordy everything. She knows me inside out. So shouldn't I go talk to her, let my worries out?
I feel like crying, but I know that now is not the time. I'm Angel, the protector, the strength guy. And the only two people who get to see me brake down are in the hospital. Morbidly, I'm glad Cordy is here. If Buffy would have attempted what she did anywhere else, she wouldn't have survived. You don't slit your throat when you are in the hospital. I know she wasn't thinking clearly.
The sad part was that I could feel her on my way to see Cordy. I could sense her pain and anguish, and I didn't care. I wanted her to be mad at me for moving on. I yearned for her to pay for her relationship with my grandvampire. I needed to see her fall down, but most of all, I needed to know that she would fall because of me. For so long, I've blocked her and the feelings that come without. I didn't want to love someone like that. I never asked for her to come into my life because I'm sick of feeling guilty.
If I would have come quicker, I don't know if she would have slit herself sooner or if I could have stopped her. I wish I knew how she found out about Cordelia and I. But I imagine it must be the same way I found out about Spike. The First sure is a bitch.
As I watch from my spot, perched against the cold wall, I feel my skin burning. Why couldn't she come talk to me? Why did she have to try and kill Cordelia? What possibly could have persuaded her that death was the only way out?
The sun has been up for hours now, but I still can't move. My muscles are frozen and my whole body sags. I can feel my eyes dropping, and I want to rest. Actually, I want that final rest. As much as I'm angry and resentful at Buffy for what she's done to herself, I secretly respect it. She did what she wanted. I've felt like letting go and I've wanted to, but hadn't out of fear. It's sad to think that the only reason I'm still here isn't because of my friends or my shanshu or even her, it's because I'm too much of a coward to say good-bye again.
The ironic thing is that I say good-bye a lot. Okay, so maybe I used to just walk away in a cloud of smoke, but I'm different. I've changed. Maybe I've changed so much that even when she waked up, it won't matter. Maybe she'll reach for a knife again and finish herself off? I'm digressing because I don't want to think about everything.
Back to the subject on hand, I said good-bye to the vampire community when I gained my soul; I said good-bye to LA when Buffy moved to good ol' Sunnydale. When she sent me to hell, I kind of said good-bye. When I came to LA I told her I wasn't going to say good-bye, just leave. Come to think of it, when did I ever say good-bye at all? It certainly wasn't when I undid the day I cherish, or when I undid Conner being my son or when I watched Doyle die or when came to visit her on Thanksgiving. I've never said it to anyone before, that's what makes it so hard.
You're probably thinking that it's impossible not to say good-bye! And you're part right. The only time I can actually recall letting something go with a good-bye would be when I went to visit her grave. No one knew that I went. I slipped away from the monastery and said my good-byes. I can still remember how the grass had just started growing in and how I think I killed some of it with the salty tears I cried that night. Saying good-bye is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I can't do it again! So that's why I'm not dead. I'm too ashamed to just die and not leave a note or something to explain myself so that no one feels blame, but I can't write that letter because I can't say good-bye anymore.
It's so messed up and complicated, just like her life.
Buffy used to be my light. She'd take me to places that were only possible in my dreams. My heart grew when I was with her, and I fell so madly in love and dependent on that love, that I couldn't see straight. In retrospect, I know I took it for granted. I assumed that it wouldn't hurt as much as it did when I was away. I didn't expect my heart to fall out and shrivel. I didn't assume that I'd freeze over inside, and all the walls I've since build up are surrounded by me acting like a dork. I guess I thought that everyone would thick I was okay if I acted silly. And it worked, but I know I pissed Wesley off a few times with my ill-timed idiocracy.
I wish I could go back to the secret-night-boyfirend who kissed and made out through a window when his girl was grounded to her room. I even yearn for the days that she had me chained up at the mansion. That's kind of sad; I'll admit it. I'd rather be some hell-like bestial creature than myself.
I should have grown up, but I haven't. The only thing I've been doing I searching for something to give my life meaning like it used to have. What did I come up with? Cordelia! What a shot in the dark that was! how could I have been so stupid. I should have know that no one could ever replace Buffy. I think I was angry and wanted revenge. She had Spike and she knows I hate him with a passion. So I can have Cordelia with whom she rivals against.
Now, I've made my decision. I need to see Buffy. I need to go in that room and say good-bye. After all, her room is the only one with a window.
To Be Continued...