Part 4
Also: Even though this one is still a serious chapter, I tried to make it lighter to ease up on the emotional angst. Think of it as a way of doing my own Macbeth 'porter scene'. I thought Angel deserved it...read on and you'll know what I'm talking about...hehehe
**************************Part 4*****************
Angel's POV
I don't get it! I'm holding her in my arms, listening to her heart beat (both in her chest and on the machines), but I still can't feel her. This isn't the Buffy I know, but as much as she's changed I think I've finally realized something. She isn't responding to me because she doesn't understand me, the same way I don't get her. How can she be so jaded? I left her to have a better life and this is what she turns into?
I never thought I would regret anything in my life like I do leaving her alone. She's a little girl, even more introverted than after she killed the Master. I guess it's like the same thing though. She did die for a while there, but we brought her back.
There's that word again, we. I've never really truly saved Buffy. There's always been someone else. With the Master it was Xander. I realize that I probably could have given her CPR. Sure, I don't have to breath, but now I do it all the time. I guess I sorta got her away from The Three, but I didn't kill them. I did save her from the judge only to start working in cohoots with him after I became Angelus. I couldn't save Miss Calendar. I certainly didn't lend a hand when she turned 18 or at the slayer-fest. I saved Xander's life once, if that counts for anything, and Willow's too. But when I saved Willow from the psycho watcher, Buffy was the one to kill her. When I saved Xander from Faith, I ended up rehabilitating her! How many other half ass jobs have I done? I'm sick of counting.
I want to yell at Buffy and scream at her for how stupid she is being, but I can't seem to pry my arms from around her body. She's so warm and pliant, but I can tell she's a little scared of me. No doubt she thinks I'm here to get her back, but frankly, I couldn't care less about Cordy.
Sure, she's a friend that has a big role in my life, but Buffy is my life! I do everything for her. I fight the good fight. I try to be a good little vampire! I even drink pigs blood when I know I could get the real thing from the hospital for free. Why? I thought one day when everything faded away and all the guilt, anger and evil was gone, she'd be there with open arms. I guess a tiny part of me expected her to wait for me. I'm not only good at doing things half-ass, but I'm also naive! More points for me!
When she moved on with Spike, I think I went a little nuts with the whole Cordelia thing. I know that Sunnydale has its own apocalypse problems which makes me wonder why she is here... The first is back! My bones scream out because I know it's close to the end. I can't tell anyone about it though. It would cause panic, and as much as I've wanted to run to Sunnydale and try to save the world, I didn't want to see her with him.
"Buffy. Love-you-" Jesus, I'm still holding her like she is my lifeline. I just told her that she was in hell, but I didn't explain. Usually I don't. I end up saying things, leaving and then thinking about how people took them the wrong way later. I brood on it for a while and then I don't bring it up because as I said before, I do everything half-ass.
I'm in hell too. Why you ask? Regretfully, she just stopped me from doing the one thing I'm good at...going away.
Yep, I was this close to opening those blinds, but she had to get my attention. When The First originally made its stop into my life, she saved me. I tried to kill myself then too. Now that I've been getting visits, it has let me in on all the Sunnydale gossip, particularly all the stuff about Buffy that hurts like hell. Sometimes I don't know if it's twisting the knife she put in me, or shoving in a brand new shiny one.
By the way Buffy just sits there and lets me hold her, I can tell she doesn't want to understand. I'm mumbling, fumbling and falling down. I can feel it. She's like this huge wall I used to lean on, obviously she has termites... I'm a loser.
Finally, she has the courage to push me away. I can see the pain in her eyes. She's expecting me to kill her. I think a small part of her wants me to. She's looking for that damn crayon. I think she wants to tell me something, but I don't know where it is.
I'm pretty sure she hates me. She wanted me to pay for Cordelia by taking her away. I don't know what changed her mind.
"Buffy-" It's about the only thing I'm capable of saying. I'm still sitting on the edge of her bed, but she's starting to scoot away. She's shaking her head 'no' frantically now. I haven't an idea what to make of this. There was a time when I could tell exactly what she was thinking. We were connected by the bond we shared. Now that's all but severed completely.
Why does she have to look so good? She's just sitting there in her hospital gown, being her gorgeous self. I remember the last time she was in the hospital like this with a bandage on her neck. I'm starting to notice a pattern with us.
Buffy had almost given me her life so that Faith's poison wouldn't work. I remember when the doctor thought I was on drugs. That was funny, but I did break that door which was embarrassing.
Before Giles and the gang arrived, I sat by her bedside. For a few minutes she came to and asked me to hold her. It was kind of like this, except for the pushing me away part. The agonizing guilt and shame was the same.
How does someone apologize for being a total asshole? I have no clue, but I have a lot of practice and I get the feeling I'll be doing it a lot from now on.
Slowly, she's inching her hand over the blankets towards mine. When I feel the contact, I know she's trying to get me to explain to her. She can't ask for the obvious reason.
I want her to forget what I said about being in hell. I was babbling. "You're not dead, Buffy. You're going to be fine. I'm not here to hurt you." Her eyebrows go up in question. I think she wants to know why I AM here. I'd like to know that too. Why did I come to see Cordy on a Tuesday? Usually I come on Wednesdays. Did I know somehow that I had to be here? Is the connection we have still binding, or is it coincidence?
It isn't like I've made any effort to see her since I stood her up when she came back from the dead. I couldn't look at her then, it was too hard. I knew that I'd forever be addicted to the drug she was if I saw her after Willow brought her back. She was dead to me, and I wanted to keep it that way.
Now, I'm finally seeing what my selfishness did to her. If only I had gone to see her, maybe said a hello... It's too late now. It's been so long since I've touched her. On her mother's funeral, she asked me to stay, but I refused. I should have stayed. That was my last opportunity to love her like she deserved. Maybe if I had, she wouldn't have died with Glory. Perhaps, I would have seen what was going on and been able to save her, but no. Again, I needed distance.
I lie a lot. I've noticed it. I told her I was leaving for her when we argued in those sewers, but deep down, I left for me. I couldn't be with her the way I wanted, so I split. I'm such a guy.
She's squeezing my hand, and I can see the tears in her eyes as if they were my own. "I'm so-sorry."
"I don't forgive you. You're scum. I can't wait to get my fingers around Cordy's neck and kill her." It sounds like Buffy. I'm rubbing my eyes, I've pulled my hand away from her. She looks hurt, but what the hell just happened. I can hear her voice, but she isn't opening her mouth.
"Over here-lover." Then, I see her-it. The First is sitting next to Buffy.
"You're not Buffy. You're not even human." Why doesn't The First ever just leave me alone! I'm trying to talk to Buffy, my one true love, and it's messing things up.
I'm not noticing the way the way The First is looking at me, I can't. If I look at it, then I might start believing that it's telling the truth. My eyes stay glued on Buffy's.
"You're such a slut Angel! How many times have you fucked Cordelia? Oh yeah, none! That's because you're a eunuch right?"
"You're the slut!" Why did I just lower myself to name calling with it? I have no idea. My voice was low and deadly. If the first was corporeal, I'd be kicking its ass right now.
"Ouch, that's mature. The next thing you're going to do is go off and fix things with Cordelia right? Tell her how much you love me? That's a joke."
"I don't love YOU!"
Why is the first laughing at me? "You're such prince." Then, it went up in a cloud of smoke. I don't think it bothered Buffy that much, but she's looking at me like I just ran over her dog. Her hands are over her eyes, and she's started to cry openly into them. The sobs sound pathetic too, because of her throat.
Oh shit! I'm a sucker! The First couldn't be seen by Buffy! She thought I was talking to her! Damn it! Damn it! FUCK! Great, now all of my hard work is gone. Speaking of 'hard'. Jesus Christ!
I reach out slowly, to place my hand on her shoulder, but she whimpers and pulls away. I bet she hates me right now. She thinks I am the biggest asshole in the history of the world. I am. I admit it because right now all I can think about it throwing her against the bed, parting her thighs and pounding her into the mattress. I just want her to stop crying, and that's the best way I can think of.
Buffy always enjoyed sex. I think that's why she went out with Riley. He put out, and the whole Spike thing? Come on, be real. I hope she doesn't love him, but I'm getting the inkling that she does have feelings for him. I bet that's what Spike would do in this situation, throw her on the mattress until she stopped crying and started to scream his name. The imagines are assaulting me now, and I wish they'd stop.
As much as I wished I was Spike these past few months, to be in such close contact with her... I'm not him. I don't act on what I want.
"Buffy-" She flinches again and started holding a pillow close to her chest. She grabs the other one and hands it to me. I don't know why she's doing this. Does she want me to lay down next to her or something?
She won't stop, and I can't talk. He neck is starting to bleed from under her bandage. I can smell the sweet slayer blood. I can't stop my face from slipping into game mode. Oh great, now she's scared even more. I'm not going to bite her or anything.
Shockingly, she's just ripped off the bandage and moving her head to the side. She wants me to bite her? Her eyes are shut tightly as she starts scooting closer to me. Oh God, her hands are on me. What is she doing? They are going lower and lower- I guess I never should have explained to her that sex always made me hungry. Damn it!
My mind is whirling, and she looks so tempting sitting there like that, fully open to me. Her neck is practically healed already from slayer abilities. There's only a dot or two of blood and a scar that's unnoticeable.
"Bite me, Angel" I see she's got her voice back. My breath hitches in my chest, though it's unneeded.
She's saying something else, but I'm not listening. I know I should explain about The First and tell her how I feel, but all reason has left me by now. Her hands are gliding up and down my chest as she moves herself to be in my lap. I can't stop my own hands from running over her back roughly. She's in the right position and her forehead is resting on my shoulder. Buffy's neck is right there. I want it so badly too. Hey, if she was going to kill herself anyway, why not let me do it?
As I sit in indecision, her hands reach even farther down and grab at my hardness. Her fingers are so nimble and smooth as she runs down my length quickly. I bent my head down to lick up the blood already on her neck. As the ambrosia touches me tongue, I pull away. I can't do this. I can tell she's disappointed.
I never could say no to Buffy {that's a joke!}, so I don't push her away completely. I'm so stupid, but I'm pushing my cock up into her hands. She's had more experience with this which makes me mad and jealous, but hey-I've got hundreds of years on her. I was Spike's lover before she was anywho.
Her warm little fingers feel like a heaven I've long been denied. It feels so good. She always did know the right amount of pressure. I remember that Halloween a long time ago, when there was that curse where everyone was turned into who they dressed up as.
Though, I don't think Buffy remembers what we did. Miss Elizabeth and I ended up in a closet before she saw that I was a vampire. She was always a spitfire and I'm pretty sure that her and I would have gotten along well if she had been human at the same time I was. Not counting the forgotten day because we obviously got along then.
I don't know why I'm suddenly thinking of this right now, I should be thinking other things, more delectable things, but oh well. I'm a classic brooder and digressor.
Anyhow, we were walking into the kitchen when she pushed me up against the wall. I was surprised because a second ago she was complaining about how I didn't have a musket. Being the dumb questioning one that I was, I asked. I can still remember what she said and did...
Her hands traveled down my shirt and grabbed at my belt buckle. It was strange because we hadn't gotten anywhere in our relationship like that yet. I was shocked, but not appalled. I know that I should have stopped her, but it was too good.
Buffy looked so innocent but there was a burning in her eyes that I think made me fall even deeper in love with her that night. This is me going of topic again. I'll get back to what she said, 'This is all the musket I need.' At first I didn't get it, but after a second or two I was drooling!
What she's doing to me, feels similar except she's starting to apply too much pressure.
"Buffy?" I managed to squeak out. SHIT THAT HURT!
"Asshole!" I tried to get her off of me, but she wouldn't stop. With all of her slayer strength and probably all the anger she possessed, she began holding me super tight. Shoot me, gut me, stuff me!
"Stop it!" I didn't mean to hit her, but it just happened. I slapped Buffy, but the good thing was that she let go. I don't know what is wrong with her or why she's acting this way. Oh wait yes I do! She just heard me tell her that she isn't Buffy, is a whore and I don't love her. I sure do wish The First would leave me alone sometime, oh I don't know- how about SOON!
Her hand is covering the spot on her cheek. I can't even look at myself. Not that there is a mirror around, but if there was I guess it wouldn't matter. I've driven her to this pathetic, shriveling bitch! I'm sorry, I love her, but she's crazy! And it's all my fault. Great, now I feel guilty again. Damn my stupid soul.
"Buffy." I tried to make it sound as loving as I possibly could, but it didn't sound that way. I know it came out harsh and mean. All we ever end up doing is hurting each other. I'm reaching my hand out to her, and I think she's starting to growl! I'm the one who growls!
"Don't touch me. I can handle you being mad at me and hating me, I can handle you calling me names or hell-even killing me, but don't touch me unless you plan on it being your last. Don't apologize either. I guess it's a soul thing the vampires have going on. You can't help it that you heart is made out of silly putty. It must be addicting for you guys to love the wrong people."
I don't know what she's getting at, but I do know that I'm truly an imbecile. I wish I could erase everything I've ever done. I wish I wasn't born. Maybe Buffy could have loved Riley, but I'm glad she didn't. Willow told me. She'd probably be happy with a kid or two by now. Dawn would have nieces and Spike would be dead. That thought alone makes it worth not existing at all, not to mention the scores of people I've murdered.
I think I should go, just walk away. I can see I've harmed her enough of one lifetime. Everything I do backfires. Maybe if she thinks that it's truly over for us she'll move on for good. But last time she thought that, she slit her throat, so maybe not...
I wish she'd stop looking at me like that as I buckle my pants. Oh God! There is blood down there! She drew blood. I so don't want to go home and see exactly what she did; it still hurts! She was the one to unbuckle them and do her 'business'. Buffy's making me out to be the pig in this room. What am I kidding? Or course I'm a pig, and she has blood under her fingernails. Now she's laughing at me!
Answer me one question. I don't know who is listening to me right now, but I want to know this. Why do I end up making a joke out of everything serious in my life? I'm a big goof! Great story for the watcher's diaries. I can see the headline now. 'How a slayer castrated her ex-vampire lover with her fingernails'. Sometimes I wonder if the real gypsy curse was to eternally be a dork.
To be Continued...
Psst... he's not really castrated. He's just being dramatic. I thought it was funny, oh well.
Also: Even though this one is still a serious chapter, I tried to make it lighter to ease up on the emotional angst. Think of it as a way of doing my own Macbeth 'porter scene'. I thought Angel deserved it...read on and you'll know what I'm talking about...hehehe
**************************Part 4*****************
Angel's POV
I don't get it! I'm holding her in my arms, listening to her heart beat (both in her chest and on the machines), but I still can't feel her. This isn't the Buffy I know, but as much as she's changed I think I've finally realized something. She isn't responding to me because she doesn't understand me, the same way I don't get her. How can she be so jaded? I left her to have a better life and this is what she turns into?
I never thought I would regret anything in my life like I do leaving her alone. She's a little girl, even more introverted than after she killed the Master. I guess it's like the same thing though. She did die for a while there, but we brought her back.
There's that word again, we. I've never really truly saved Buffy. There's always been someone else. With the Master it was Xander. I realize that I probably could have given her CPR. Sure, I don't have to breath, but now I do it all the time. I guess I sorta got her away from The Three, but I didn't kill them. I did save her from the judge only to start working in cohoots with him after I became Angelus. I couldn't save Miss Calendar. I certainly didn't lend a hand when she turned 18 or at the slayer-fest. I saved Xander's life once, if that counts for anything, and Willow's too. But when I saved Willow from the psycho watcher, Buffy was the one to kill her. When I saved Xander from Faith, I ended up rehabilitating her! How many other half ass jobs have I done? I'm sick of counting.
I want to yell at Buffy and scream at her for how stupid she is being, but I can't seem to pry my arms from around her body. She's so warm and pliant, but I can tell she's a little scared of me. No doubt she thinks I'm here to get her back, but frankly, I couldn't care less about Cordy.
Sure, she's a friend that has a big role in my life, but Buffy is my life! I do everything for her. I fight the good fight. I try to be a good little vampire! I even drink pigs blood when I know I could get the real thing from the hospital for free. Why? I thought one day when everything faded away and all the guilt, anger and evil was gone, she'd be there with open arms. I guess a tiny part of me expected her to wait for me. I'm not only good at doing things half-ass, but I'm also naive! More points for me!
When she moved on with Spike, I think I went a little nuts with the whole Cordelia thing. I know that Sunnydale has its own apocalypse problems which makes me wonder why she is here... The first is back! My bones scream out because I know it's close to the end. I can't tell anyone about it though. It would cause panic, and as much as I've wanted to run to Sunnydale and try to save the world, I didn't want to see her with him.
"Buffy. Love-you-" Jesus, I'm still holding her like she is my lifeline. I just told her that she was in hell, but I didn't explain. Usually I don't. I end up saying things, leaving and then thinking about how people took them the wrong way later. I brood on it for a while and then I don't bring it up because as I said before, I do everything half-ass.
I'm in hell too. Why you ask? Regretfully, she just stopped me from doing the one thing I'm good at...going away.
Yep, I was this close to opening those blinds, but she had to get my attention. When The First originally made its stop into my life, she saved me. I tried to kill myself then too. Now that I've been getting visits, it has let me in on all the Sunnydale gossip, particularly all the stuff about Buffy that hurts like hell. Sometimes I don't know if it's twisting the knife she put in me, or shoving in a brand new shiny one.
By the way Buffy just sits there and lets me hold her, I can tell she doesn't want to understand. I'm mumbling, fumbling and falling down. I can feel it. She's like this huge wall I used to lean on, obviously she has termites... I'm a loser.
Finally, she has the courage to push me away. I can see the pain in her eyes. She's expecting me to kill her. I think a small part of her wants me to. She's looking for that damn crayon. I think she wants to tell me something, but I don't know where it is.
I'm pretty sure she hates me. She wanted me to pay for Cordelia by taking her away. I don't know what changed her mind.
"Buffy-" It's about the only thing I'm capable of saying. I'm still sitting on the edge of her bed, but she's starting to scoot away. She's shaking her head 'no' frantically now. I haven't an idea what to make of this. There was a time when I could tell exactly what she was thinking. We were connected by the bond we shared. Now that's all but severed completely.
Why does she have to look so good? She's just sitting there in her hospital gown, being her gorgeous self. I remember the last time she was in the hospital like this with a bandage on her neck. I'm starting to notice a pattern with us.
Buffy had almost given me her life so that Faith's poison wouldn't work. I remember when the doctor thought I was on drugs. That was funny, but I did break that door which was embarrassing.
Before Giles and the gang arrived, I sat by her bedside. For a few minutes she came to and asked me to hold her. It was kind of like this, except for the pushing me away part. The agonizing guilt and shame was the same.
How does someone apologize for being a total asshole? I have no clue, but I have a lot of practice and I get the feeling I'll be doing it a lot from now on.
Slowly, she's inching her hand over the blankets towards mine. When I feel the contact, I know she's trying to get me to explain to her. She can't ask for the obvious reason.
I want her to forget what I said about being in hell. I was babbling. "You're not dead, Buffy. You're going to be fine. I'm not here to hurt you." Her eyebrows go up in question. I think she wants to know why I AM here. I'd like to know that too. Why did I come to see Cordy on a Tuesday? Usually I come on Wednesdays. Did I know somehow that I had to be here? Is the connection we have still binding, or is it coincidence?
It isn't like I've made any effort to see her since I stood her up when she came back from the dead. I couldn't look at her then, it was too hard. I knew that I'd forever be addicted to the drug she was if I saw her after Willow brought her back. She was dead to me, and I wanted to keep it that way.
Now, I'm finally seeing what my selfishness did to her. If only I had gone to see her, maybe said a hello... It's too late now. It's been so long since I've touched her. On her mother's funeral, she asked me to stay, but I refused. I should have stayed. That was my last opportunity to love her like she deserved. Maybe if I had, she wouldn't have died with Glory. Perhaps, I would have seen what was going on and been able to save her, but no. Again, I needed distance.
I lie a lot. I've noticed it. I told her I was leaving for her when we argued in those sewers, but deep down, I left for me. I couldn't be with her the way I wanted, so I split. I'm such a guy.
She's squeezing my hand, and I can see the tears in her eyes as if they were my own. "I'm so-sorry."
"I don't forgive you. You're scum. I can't wait to get my fingers around Cordy's neck and kill her." It sounds like Buffy. I'm rubbing my eyes, I've pulled my hand away from her. She looks hurt, but what the hell just happened. I can hear her voice, but she isn't opening her mouth.
"Over here-lover." Then, I see her-it. The First is sitting next to Buffy.
"You're not Buffy. You're not even human." Why doesn't The First ever just leave me alone! I'm trying to talk to Buffy, my one true love, and it's messing things up.
I'm not noticing the way the way The First is looking at me, I can't. If I look at it, then I might start believing that it's telling the truth. My eyes stay glued on Buffy's.
"You're such a slut Angel! How many times have you fucked Cordelia? Oh yeah, none! That's because you're a eunuch right?"
"You're the slut!" Why did I just lower myself to name calling with it? I have no idea. My voice was low and deadly. If the first was corporeal, I'd be kicking its ass right now.
"Ouch, that's mature. The next thing you're going to do is go off and fix things with Cordelia right? Tell her how much you love me? That's a joke."
"I don't love YOU!"
Why is the first laughing at me? "You're such prince." Then, it went up in a cloud of smoke. I don't think it bothered Buffy that much, but she's looking at me like I just ran over her dog. Her hands are over her eyes, and she's started to cry openly into them. The sobs sound pathetic too, because of her throat.
Oh shit! I'm a sucker! The First couldn't be seen by Buffy! She thought I was talking to her! Damn it! Damn it! FUCK! Great, now all of my hard work is gone. Speaking of 'hard'. Jesus Christ!
I reach out slowly, to place my hand on her shoulder, but she whimpers and pulls away. I bet she hates me right now. She thinks I am the biggest asshole in the history of the world. I am. I admit it because right now all I can think about it throwing her against the bed, parting her thighs and pounding her into the mattress. I just want her to stop crying, and that's the best way I can think of.
Buffy always enjoyed sex. I think that's why she went out with Riley. He put out, and the whole Spike thing? Come on, be real. I hope she doesn't love him, but I'm getting the inkling that she does have feelings for him. I bet that's what Spike would do in this situation, throw her on the mattress until she stopped crying and started to scream his name. The imagines are assaulting me now, and I wish they'd stop.
As much as I wished I was Spike these past few months, to be in such close contact with her... I'm not him. I don't act on what I want.
"Buffy-" She flinches again and started holding a pillow close to her chest. She grabs the other one and hands it to me. I don't know why she's doing this. Does she want me to lay down next to her or something?
She won't stop, and I can't talk. He neck is starting to bleed from under her bandage. I can smell the sweet slayer blood. I can't stop my face from slipping into game mode. Oh great, now she's scared even more. I'm not going to bite her or anything.
Shockingly, she's just ripped off the bandage and moving her head to the side. She wants me to bite her? Her eyes are shut tightly as she starts scooting closer to me. Oh God, her hands are on me. What is she doing? They are going lower and lower- I guess I never should have explained to her that sex always made me hungry. Damn it!
My mind is whirling, and she looks so tempting sitting there like that, fully open to me. Her neck is practically healed already from slayer abilities. There's only a dot or two of blood and a scar that's unnoticeable.
"Bite me, Angel" I see she's got her voice back. My breath hitches in my chest, though it's unneeded.
She's saying something else, but I'm not listening. I know I should explain about The First and tell her how I feel, but all reason has left me by now. Her hands are gliding up and down my chest as she moves herself to be in my lap. I can't stop my own hands from running over her back roughly. She's in the right position and her forehead is resting on my shoulder. Buffy's neck is right there. I want it so badly too. Hey, if she was going to kill herself anyway, why not let me do it?
As I sit in indecision, her hands reach even farther down and grab at my hardness. Her fingers are so nimble and smooth as she runs down my length quickly. I bent my head down to lick up the blood already on her neck. As the ambrosia touches me tongue, I pull away. I can't do this. I can tell she's disappointed.
I never could say no to Buffy {that's a joke!}, so I don't push her away completely. I'm so stupid, but I'm pushing my cock up into her hands. She's had more experience with this which makes me mad and jealous, but hey-I've got hundreds of years on her. I was Spike's lover before she was anywho.
Her warm little fingers feel like a heaven I've long been denied. It feels so good. She always did know the right amount of pressure. I remember that Halloween a long time ago, when there was that curse where everyone was turned into who they dressed up as.
Though, I don't think Buffy remembers what we did. Miss Elizabeth and I ended up in a closet before she saw that I was a vampire. She was always a spitfire and I'm pretty sure that her and I would have gotten along well if she had been human at the same time I was. Not counting the forgotten day because we obviously got along then.
I don't know why I'm suddenly thinking of this right now, I should be thinking other things, more delectable things, but oh well. I'm a classic brooder and digressor.
Anyhow, we were walking into the kitchen when she pushed me up against the wall. I was surprised because a second ago she was complaining about how I didn't have a musket. Being the dumb questioning one that I was, I asked. I can still remember what she said and did...
Her hands traveled down my shirt and grabbed at my belt buckle. It was strange because we hadn't gotten anywhere in our relationship like that yet. I was shocked, but not appalled. I know that I should have stopped her, but it was too good.
Buffy looked so innocent but there was a burning in her eyes that I think made me fall even deeper in love with her that night. This is me going of topic again. I'll get back to what she said, 'This is all the musket I need.' At first I didn't get it, but after a second or two I was drooling!
What she's doing to me, feels similar except she's starting to apply too much pressure.
"Buffy?" I managed to squeak out. SHIT THAT HURT!
"Asshole!" I tried to get her off of me, but she wouldn't stop. With all of her slayer strength and probably all the anger she possessed, she began holding me super tight. Shoot me, gut me, stuff me!
"Stop it!" I didn't mean to hit her, but it just happened. I slapped Buffy, but the good thing was that she let go. I don't know what is wrong with her or why she's acting this way. Oh wait yes I do! She just heard me tell her that she isn't Buffy, is a whore and I don't love her. I sure do wish The First would leave me alone sometime, oh I don't know- how about SOON!
Her hand is covering the spot on her cheek. I can't even look at myself. Not that there is a mirror around, but if there was I guess it wouldn't matter. I've driven her to this pathetic, shriveling bitch! I'm sorry, I love her, but she's crazy! And it's all my fault. Great, now I feel guilty again. Damn my stupid soul.
"Buffy." I tried to make it sound as loving as I possibly could, but it didn't sound that way. I know it came out harsh and mean. All we ever end up doing is hurting each other. I'm reaching my hand out to her, and I think she's starting to growl! I'm the one who growls!
"Don't touch me. I can handle you being mad at me and hating me, I can handle you calling me names or hell-even killing me, but don't touch me unless you plan on it being your last. Don't apologize either. I guess it's a soul thing the vampires have going on. You can't help it that you heart is made out of silly putty. It must be addicting for you guys to love the wrong people."
I don't know what she's getting at, but I do know that I'm truly an imbecile. I wish I could erase everything I've ever done. I wish I wasn't born. Maybe Buffy could have loved Riley, but I'm glad she didn't. Willow told me. She'd probably be happy with a kid or two by now. Dawn would have nieces and Spike would be dead. That thought alone makes it worth not existing at all, not to mention the scores of people I've murdered.
I think I should go, just walk away. I can see I've harmed her enough of one lifetime. Everything I do backfires. Maybe if she thinks that it's truly over for us she'll move on for good. But last time she thought that, she slit her throat, so maybe not...
I wish she'd stop looking at me like that as I buckle my pants. Oh God! There is blood down there! She drew blood. I so don't want to go home and see exactly what she did; it still hurts! She was the one to unbuckle them and do her 'business'. Buffy's making me out to be the pig in this room. What am I kidding? Or course I'm a pig, and she has blood under her fingernails. Now she's laughing at me!
Answer me one question. I don't know who is listening to me right now, but I want to know this. Why do I end up making a joke out of everything serious in my life? I'm a big goof! Great story for the watcher's diaries. I can see the headline now. 'How a slayer castrated her ex-vampire lover with her fingernails'. Sometimes I wonder if the real gypsy curse was to eternally be a dork.
To be Continued...
Psst... he's not really castrated. He's just being dramatic. I thought it was funny, oh well.