Sanji's Day
It was still dark outside when I could hear a voice screaming, "ALL BLUE!!" We had arrived in All Blue? I had to know for myself so I got out of bed and ran up to the deck.
"It DOES exist, I knew it!" I declared before anyone else could claim that they had been the one to bring it up in the first place.
"Was there any doubt that it didn't exist?" said Usopp.
"Of course there's been doubt." I said as I took out a cigarette and lit it.
Nami-san then emerged from her room looking charming as usual. "Oh, we're at the island—" she began but I simply had to interrupt her to give her a proper morning greeting. She smiled, winked and made a few gestures that confirmed my suspicions that she was madly in love with me. "So anyway, we're approaching island Silver River."
She pointed at things on her map in a very provocative manner. I pretended to be looking at her paper but I was actually looking at the charismatic Nami-san as she explained something that kind of just went in one ear and out the other. It wasn't WHAT she said that I admired, it was the WAY she said it.
"And that's that." Said Nami-san.
"Nami-san, I have to compliment the charming way you explained that all." I said to her.
Nami-san was ABOUT to say something to me, but Luffy interrupted. "I'm HUNGRY!!" he yelled at me. "Make me something!"
"Not right now." I replied.
"Yes, Sanji, why don't you go and make breakfast?" Nami-san said.
"With love." I said in my 'Mr. Prince' voice as I hurried off to my kitchen to make Nami-san something. I flicked my cigarette and lit a new one so I could get a fresh start. I decided that I would have to make her a very special breakfast so I went to go and get the proper utensils I would require when I passed by a mirror.
Since I had just awaken, I was currently not as presentable as I would like Nami-san to see me. So, after working with myself for a good while, I finally accepted my appearance and deemed myself ready to make Nami-san… um… a drink? Oh right! I was making Nami-san one of my special drinks. I put on my apron because soiled clothes are not suave.
I don't think everyone knows how much work goes into making these drinks. They don't know just how special they are and how I slave over them to make them actually perfect. Of course, I was only making one for Nami-san.
But then the unthinkable happened! Cigarette ash dropped into Nami-san's special drink!
"Oh drat…" I said under my breath. I must admit, I might have overreacted but I didn't want anything to spoil Nami-san's drink. So this meant I would have to give the ruined special drink to someone else because I can't very well throw it away. This also meant that I would have to make a special drink for everyone. However, I wouldn't make them all quite as special as the new drink I was going to make for Nami-san.
When they were all finished, arranged them nicely on a platter with a doily under each one so they were all encircling Nami-san's special drink. I like to be decorative because even though people don't seem to appreciate it, they unconsciously are impressed.
I decided to put a little skip in my step as I exited the kitchen just so people would notice me and my special drinks.
"I made some special drinks!" I announced.
"Sanji!" said Nami-san lovingly since she was standing right outside the kitchen door waiting for me to emerge. "Where were YOU while we were landing and doing all that work?!"
I had long since decoded the secret code of women. By saying, 'Where were you?', she meant, 'What were you doing for me?' And, by saying, 'While we were landing,' she was attempting to confuse the male species so we would be tricked into saying something foolish. But I had her all figured out. I'm THAT suave.
"Nami-san," I said, presenting the platter to her. "I made you a drink."
"That doesn't answer my question!" Nami-san said.
She appeared to be angry with me. I prepared an entire speech to compliment her on how beautiful she looked while she was angry. First, I would say how lovely her clenched teeth looked over her full, red lips and then I would tell her that her eyes sparkled beautifully when she was mad…but I had to shorten it down since she probably wanted her special drink. "Nami-san, I have to say that you are quite charming when you're angry." I told her.
I'm good.
However, I noticed that no one was dashing over to me to retrieve their special drinks. Did they not know how much effort I put into them? Of course they didn't! How could they?
Ah, well. They can't go to waste. I took the special drink closest to me and began to drink it, only to choke on a piece of cigarette ash a second later.
"Sanji, why are you drinking all those?" asked Usopp. "I'll have one."
"Uh…sure." I said, feeling a bit foolish that I had automatically assumed that no one wanted any drinks just because they hadn't sprinted over right away to grab one. So I gave Usopp and Nami-san their special drinks but then took that opportunity to look around and notice that Zoro and Luffy were absolutely nowhere to be found. Maybe it was a good thing, though, because I had already finished their special drinks.
"Where are Zoro and Luffy?" I asked Nami-san since she always has the answers.
"I'm sure they're around the boat somewhere." Nami-san replied.
"No, I saw them go over to the island." Usopp said.
"WHAT?!" screamed Nami-san so loudly that I almost dropped the empty glasses that were on the platter. "We have to go to shore and get them."
"Why?" asked Usopp. "I thought you said we were just going to pass by this island after getting supplies."
"That's why we have to go and pick them up!" I intervened. "Right, Nami-san?"
"What about the amazingly strong women and hideously conniving men?" Usopp said as he got that tone in his voice that said that he was definitely afraid. I couldn't have him second guessing Nami-san even though his question just then was a bit frightful.
"Whatever Nami-san says, goes!" I declared, getting in Usopp's face. Yes, it was true that I was doing this for Nami-san but I was also doing it for the amazingly strong women that lived on this island. I mean, what's a conniving man going to do? Start conniving? Well…I guess they're already conniving. Perhaps they would just continue to connive.
So we climbed off the ship and onto the land that was, of course, swarming with vegetation. There weren't any civilizations as far as I could see so I couldn't help but ponder on the whereabouts of these amazingly strong women.
"Do you think Zoro and Luffy went to the Men's Village or the Women's Village?" said Nami-san as she took out a map that she had made with LOVE!
"They have separate villages?" I said happily. "Let's visit the Women's village! I bet they're there! That's where I would go!"
"Well, if we were looking for you then we'd definitely look there." Nami-san said, rolling her eyes. I had probably made her jealous but can I help it if I'm such a suave lady-killer? Nami-san began to lead the way and Usopp and I followed.
I kept my eyes peeled for any amazingly strong women that may have strayed from their village and require my assistance to lead them home. We soon came across a sign just then that read, 'Welcome to the Village of Men'. It took a moment for that to sink in before I realized that Nami-san had NOT taken us to the Village of Women but had, in fact, taken us to the Village of Men!
"Nami-san!" I said. "This is the Village of Men!"
"I know." Nami-san responded. "If we were to run into hostile natives, would you rather attack a man or a woman?"
"A man of course." I said. "Why?"
"Because, of the three of us, you're the only one who can attack and I don't need you melting over a woman instead of attacking her if she tries to kill us!" Nami-san said. But I knew the real reason. It was because she wanted me all to herself.
"I resent that!" said Usopp. "I would attack any woman!"
Nami-san clearly trusted me with her life vastly more than she trusted Usopp which only further proved her love for me.
I looked at the village that was in the distance. However, after a moment's thought, I realized that it was actually very small and not in the distance as I had originally assumed. The houses were about a third the size of a small garage.
"What's up with these tiny houses?" said Usopp.
Just then, the doors to the tiny houses flung open a bunch of little teeny men with laser guns emerged. These men were about three foot nothing and were dressed in futuristic type clothes but I was a little astounded that they were pointing their guns at us because we had done absolutely nothing to provoke or upset them.
"Don't move!" yelled one of the men with an extremely high-pitched voice.
"How dare you point that gun at Nami-san!" I scolded them.
"We will shoot!" said another one.
"You wouldn't shoot the representatives from the Women's Village!" said Nami-san cleverly.
"Yes, we are GODS in the Women's Village!!" Usopp immediately agreed.
Just then, another man who was just as small as the rest while also wearing a crown approached us. "Yes…we can see that you are women." Said the man in a voice that was lower than mine. Even lower than Zoro's. It was weird.
But, what was even weirder was that he said women as in more than one when Nami-san was clearly the ONLY woman among us!
"We know this because you all are very large." Said the man who I could only assume was the leader.
Leader or not, he had absolutely no right to call Nami-san large because everyone knows that women hate to be referred to as large, big or fat. "Nami-san is NOT fat!" I defended her.
"Just ignore her." Said Nami-san as she elbowed me. I wondered if she expected to hurt. Because it didn't.
"Nami-san, I know they may be confused on our genders but you know very well that I am a man." I said to her. "Now let's leave and go to the Village of Women."
"Have you come from the Village of Women to aid us in our search for the Prince and the Princess?" asked the Leader of the Men.
"No." said Nami-san. "What happened?"
Prince? I'm a prince. I could very well take over the role as 'The Prince' of this village and marry off to the princess. Unless, of course, they were siblings which would be sort of awkward. I wish I had my yellow sunglasses so I could truly be Mr. Prince. Ah, I DO have my sunglasses! Oh wait, I'm still wearing my apron.
What is this? Why didn't anyone tell me that I was still wearing my apron? I can't be Mr. Prince with an apron on. So, I took my apron off and put my sunglasses on. I couldn't leave my apron behind so…well, Usopp appeared to be paying attention to the tiny men so I quickly slipped the apron into his bag. I'm sure he wouldn't mind since I made him a special drink after all. So, I lit myself a new cigarette and unbuttoned my top button so I was the epitome of my Mr. Prince nature.
"Hey Nami-san, Mr. Prince is back." I said in my most suave voice.
Nami-san then got a little violent but I don't think I'll go into very much detail. But she did look remarkably charming.
I was quieter as Nami-san finished up her conversation with the men of the village. At least she didn't break my Mr. Prince sunglasses. But my cigarette was a little crumpled, so I lit up a new one.
Finally, Nami-san turned around and faced Usopp and I. "All right, we're going to go and find that Prince and Princess!" she declared.
"Nami-san, the way you are so determined is just so charming." I complimented her.
"Where do we start looking?" asked Usopp.
"At the Village of Women!" Nami-san answered as she pulled out her map that she had made with LOVE! And I was glad that we were finally going to the Village of Women so I could see their amazingly strong nature. "It's not too far. We're just going to go there and talk to them."
She lead the way again and we both followed again. Not that I minded following Nami-san, because I don't. I would follow Nami-san to the ends of the earth if she asked me too. In fact, I would follow her to the ends of the earth even if she didn't ask me too. Actually, I think I would very well follow her to the ends of the earth even if she specifically told me not to do so. Which, of course, would never happen.
"Nami-san, did you make that map?" I asked her.
It was a moment or two before she replied to me. "No, not this one." Nami-san answered.
…Okay, maybe she didn't MAKE it with love, but she sure did hold it… and carry it… and look at it with love!
"How much further until we get to that village?" asked Usopp.
"Oh!" said Nami-san. "That reminds me. Maybe I should tell you that the women of this island are a little more hostile than the men and are less likely to listen to reason."
"Nami-san…they pulled guns on us and called you fat." I pointed out. "And you are not fat."
She smiled at me and I knew she appreciated my comment and would have confessed her undying love to me right then if not for Usopp's hindering presence. "Meaning…you two should probably hide while I speak with them." She finished.
Just then, we passed by a sign that said 'Welcome to Village of Woman' written sloppily while spelling a few words wrong.
"But Nami-san, I want to see these absurdly strong women." I said.
"You'll have to see them from your hiding place then." Nami-san replied as she pointed to a small bush.
"Whatever you say, Nami-san." I said as Usopp and I got behind it and she walked into the village. A few horrible, hideous, disgusting ape-like women came out of their terribly constructed huts to see her. Even from my hiding place, I was appalled with their appearance.
I could hear Usopp's teeth chattering from beside me. "They are a petrifying sight." I said as he nodded in agreement. Nami-san spoke with them for a few minutes and they seemed perfectly harmless to her, probably because she was a female as well. I wondered how such humungous women could possibly marry such tiny men.
She returned to us. "They sent their leaders off to the Village of Men a little while ago," she whispered to us. "Over in this direction." She began to hurry off.
"But that's not the direction we came from!" Usopp pointed out but we followed her anyway.
"I know." She answered. "But we have to catch up with them before they do anything hostile to the Village of Men!"
"Nami-san, the way you care for these two villages is so just so blissfully charming." I said.
"Thank you, Sanji." Said Nami-san. Oh yeah, she wants me.
We ran through the forest area with Usopp complaining the whole way. I was going to tell Nami-san just how charming she looked while she was running with that determined look on her face, striving to save the villages, but we suddenly pushed our way through a bushy area only to be faced with Zoro with his swords drawn as if he were attacking something.
It took me a second to realize that he had his swords drawn AT US, but I'm pretty sure that he realized it at pretty much the same time because he started putting his swords away but that's when Nami-san got over her shock and all hell broke loose.
"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!" screamed Nami-san angrily. Zoro fumbled for an excuse, but he had none.
"That's right, Nami-san." I said, nodding since I was always going to take her side no matter what. Of course, it's always a good idea to take Nami-san's side since she's always right and Zoro…well, he's pretty much NEVER right. And he usually has no ground to stand on. Especially when he's fighting with Nami-san or myself.
"YOU COULD HAVE KILLED ME!!!" Nami-san continued.
"I wouldn't have allowed it, Nami-san." I assured her.
"DON'T JUST POINT YOUR SWORD AT ANYTHING THAT MOVES!!" Nami-san screamed, but I doubt Zoro was paying attention anymore so I figured it was just my opportunity to score points with Nami-san.
"Yes, Zoro, it is very irresponsible." I added.
"Sanji, be quiet." Said Nami-san. She had lowered her voice and was not yelling at ME, of course, because I had just scored all those points with her.
"I simply agree with you, Nami-san." I said.
"I don't need you doing that though." Nami-san said. "I can take care of myself just fine."
"You are incredibly charming when you are so independent." I complimented her because everyone knows that women need to be constantly complimented or else they might very well just go crazy with neglect. So, that means, that even if she is looking particularly plain, you must still tell her how beautiful and charming she is. Though, Nami-san never looks plain. She always looks beautiful.
Luffy's high pitched, "Oh!" suddenly jerked me back into reality and was soon followed up with a, "That's us."
I paused, hoping that maybe someone else would fill in the blanks for me, and of course, Nami-san came to my rescue! "YOU TWO are the village leaders? How? WHY?"
"Uh, no, just Luffy, not me." Zoro said.
"No, we both worked TOGETHER to beat the large women!" Luffy said.
"So you beat up the women and they made you their leaders?" Nami said.
I appeared to be the only one who realized that Zoro and Luffy being the leaders of the Village of Women, no matter how strange and unnatural it may seem, could actually work in our favor. If the Village of Women did whatever their leaders said, then we could end the war before it even began. Since I was obviously the only one who had thought of this brilliant plan, I decided to state it.
"Well, I guess that settles it then. You two can just tell them not to rage war against the Village of Men."
"But the Village of Men is the one that's raging war against US!" Luffy said in a very confrontational fashion that made me feel that I was being attacked.
"Don't say US!" Zoro said. "You're not REALLY part of their village!"
"I'm their leader!" Luffy said.
"Whatever it is, just tell them not to go to war." Nami-san said. Ahh, she found my idea intelligent and a good alternative to going to war. Yet another ambiguous hint telling me that she pined for me that I was thankfully astute enough to pick up on. "And that's another conflict solved."
"What about the prince and princess?" asked Usopp, though I was surprised that he didn't just say, 'Okay! Let's go back to the ship!!'
"We were just going to the Village of Men and DEMAND that they return the princess back home!" Luffy declared.
"But we just came from the Village of Men and they have the same problem." Said Nami-san.
"What problem?" asked Luffy.
"THEY don't know where the Prince and Princess are either." Nami-san explained ever so patiently and charmingly.
"With our luck, they'll probably be at the top of that mountain." Said Usopp as he pointed at a very large mountain that stood before us. I looked up at the top of the mountain. It was very high up. I had to agree with Usopp, though, because things tended to be atop extremely high mountains like this one. Thankfully, this mountain appeared to have a path that seemed to lead to the top but paths like that can be misleading and for all we knew, it was a trap that the Prince and Princess had gotten themselves caught in!
Suddenly, I was knocked to the ground forcefully. After I had regained my composure, I took note of the fact that Zoro was now on top of me and was just… not moving. After a moment of waiting for him to move, I decided to assert myself.
"Zoro, that was a little weird." I told him.
"Yeah, I know." He said as if this sort of thing happened every single day, even though it did not but we all knew that. "The Prince and Princess on the mountain? Where would he get a ridiculous idea like that?"
What would Nami-san think if she saw this? Would she possibly get the wrong idea? I was feeling very uncomfortable and then began to feel slightly sick as Zoro just continued to lie there, enjoying whatever he was doing. Finally, he must have saw that I was unhappy with our current positioning so he moved himself and stood up, clearing his throat.
"That was weird." I repeated, searching for an explanation as I lit a cigarette since he had knocked my previous one to the ground and there was no way I was going to pick up a cigarette that had been on the dirty ground.
"You already said that." Said Zoro as if he were the victim.
I looked around a bit and found that no one was there except for Zoro and myself. Had everyone gone somewhere while I was distracted? Most importantly of all, where was Nami-san? And why had she left me without saying anything? Why had she left me at all?
"Hey, where's Nami-san?" I asked Zoro.
He looked at me as if I owed him something. I was a bit surprised that he seemed so… I don't know… perturbed by my mere presence. He was the one who had pushed ME to the ground so it's not like I had assaulted him and he had any reason to feel awkward with me. But what annoyed me the most was that he wasn't answering. In fact, he didn't look as though he was even thinking about answering me. It could be that he didn't know, but couldn't he have said, 'I don't know'?
"Where's Nami-san?" I said, since he was not answering me.
This repetition only seemed to increase the look of intrigue on his face as he continued to NOT answer me. He was clearly thinking of something else, but did he need to do all that thinking right now while I was trying to ask him something? Perhaps he just didn't like my Nami-san-centric questions, so I decided to rephrase.
"Where's EVERYONE for that matter?" I tried.
"What do you want from me?!" Zoro lashed out suddenly. "Shut up you stupid cook!"
That was…sudden. "I missed everything when you assaulted me!" I said, raising my voice to the occasion. He had done so first, after all. "Where did everyone go and why is it only you here!"
"Hey, I saved you from being catapulted into the sky by our captain." He said, though I couldn't figure out what significance that had to my question.
Still, such a phrase as 'catapulted into the sky' captured my attention. Then I realized that Nami-san had been violently catapulted into the sky. "Catapulted into the sky?!" I gasped. "Nami-san?!"
"Yeah, they went to the top of the mountain." Zoro said, pointing. This time, I decided not to look at the mountain because last time I had done that, I had been assaulted AND I had missed a lot.
Zoro suddenly started walking towards the mountain and going up the pathway. After sitting there for a moment, I realized that he was planning on scaling the mountain and was not going to formally invite me. He had no right to be so rude to me.
"Hey, where are you going?!" I demanded of him
"Where does it look like I'm going?" he said.
Obviously, he was looking for Usopp, Luffy and Nami-san. "So we're just going to blindly make our way up the mountain?!" I said, looking up.
"We KNOW they're up there…" he said with an accusing glare.
How were we possibly going to find the three of them on such an enormous mountain? Thoughts such as these obviously never crossed his mind. "It's a big mountain!" I said as he continued to walk.
He didn't even reply that time so I gave up. We followed the path and it, more or less, was hazardless. Zoro wasn't much of a conversationalist so I didn't even both to try and converse with him so it proved to be a boring trip. So I thought of Nami-san and how she must have been worrying about my well being right now as I worried about her.
Up ahead I saw a sign. I peered at it to see that it said, 'Danger: Quicksand Ahead!' I don't think Zoro saw the sign because he just kept going.
"Watch out for the quicksand." I said, but, as he got closer and closer to the sign, I began to wonder if he had listened to me. "Did you see the sign? There's quicksand up ahead. Hey, it's right where you're going to walk!" I kicked him in the head, lightly, as not to injure him, but he just kept going. Then we were both standing in the quicksand so I kicked him again, harder, and then hopped out of it before I could sink at all.
"If you had LISTENED to me then—" I began but Zoro interrupted me.
"Shut up," he said. I shook my head but couldn't help but feel slightly satisfied as he discovered that he was already knee deep in the quicksand. And I also found it slightly amusing as he struggled a little bit to free himself but it was already too late to just hop out as I had before.
"There you go." I said, sounding most suave, especially compared to how foolish he was sounding. "See the sign?"
"I've been in worse situations than this." Zoro said. True as it was, he was still pretty deep in quicksand.
After he had been such a jerk to me, I didn't know if I wanted to help him out of the situation. I knew, of course, that I had to but I still didn't WANT to. "I don't know if I want to help you." I said, hoping to make him squirm a bit. But what was I expecting?
"I don't want your help." He said, and he probably didn't.
I saw the stones that had been set up for people to walk across. I did so and Zoro watched me, sort of resentfully that I had seen them and he hadn't and now I was on solid ground and he was waist deep in the quicksand. "How do you plan on getting out of it?" I asked him.
"Simple." He said. But no more. And then he stopped and paused as if he had that much time to just stop there and think some more.
"I could help you." I told him as the quicksand continued to rise.
"I don't need it." Zoro replied.
I guess Zoro didn't understand the severity of the situation just yet. "It would be faster and easier and less life threatening if you let me help you now." I said, treating him like a child so he might understand.
"If you've got nothing to do, why don't you go and cook something?" he said with a scoff. I chose to ignore that and decided right then and there that I wouldn't help him even if he asked me to. But then, I saw that he continued to NOT move as if his sheer will would lift him from the quicksand and carry him to safety.
"You know," I said. "If you're not going to take my help, you should at least TRY and get out."
He just frowned as the quicksand began to cover his shoulders. He was angry at me for getting the best of him once again. So, while I waited for him to come around and ask for help, I lit a new cigarette and enjoyed it.
"Put that out right now." Zoro ordered suddenly. I looked at him, somewhat in surprise.
"What?" I asked, not positively certain what he was referring to.
"Stop smoking." He said. "Forever."
There was a lot I could have said to that. I could have gone on forever with endless possibilities of statements and clarifications, but we were short on time so I merely said; "I ALWAYS smoke, it's never offended you before."
"Well maybe I'm just irritable because I'm neck deep in quicksand and the only other person around who could possibly do ANYTHING to help me is just standing there smoking, acting as though no one is around sinking in quicksand and is, instead, filling that person's lungs with second hand smoke." He said.
All right, he was begging for help but was too proud to just say, "Please help me, Sanji." Even though that's clearly what he was saying.
"Is that a demented way to ask me for help?" I asked him because I needed him to admit it even though I knew it very well.
I was going to wait for him to ask me for help. And I waited and waited and waited as the quicksand got higher and higher and higher and he just stared at me. I guess he would rather die than ask me for help. It wasn't until he was entirely submerged did I realize that he couldn't have asked for help now even if he wanted to and it was going to be me who swallowed his pride today.
I walked out onto the stepping stones to about the area where he had gone under and reached my hand down until I came across something that couldn't have been anything except for Zoro's hard head. I grabbed a hold of his shirt collar and pulled him up and then dragged him to the solid area and dropped him on the ground.
I wasn't expecting a 'thanks', but I also wasn't expecting what he said. "It's about time you rescued me." He said, still short for breath but feeling as though he NEEDED to insult me, even after I had saved his life.
"Aren't you even going to thank me?" I asked.
"I never asked for your help." He said, standing up. "You're the one who decided to do something about it. I was going to be just fine without you. Now stop wasting time because we have to get to the top of the mountain."
That's the last time I save Zoro's life.
I also decided that I didn't want to speak with him anymore. As we walked, I had a lot of free time to take in my surroundings, but I kept getting the nagging feeling that I had been there before which was completely untrue because I had never climbed this mountain before. However, Zoro suddenly stopped and read a sign that he had noticed this time; "Welcome to the Village of Men?" he said, sounding puzzled.
This seemed a bit odd. This whole time, Nami-san had only described two villages, one entirely male and one entirely female. Now all of a sudden, there was another male village. "There are two strictly male villages?" I vocalized.
"What are you talking about?" Zoro said.
"Nami-san, Usopp and I have already been to the Village of Men and it wasn't at the top of the mountain." I explained as I took another look at what was around us. Then I noted a giant mountain that looked all too familiar. I looked back at Zoro who was still staring at the sign ever so quizzically. "Hey, why is the mountain over there and we're over here?"
He looked at the mountain. "Hm… we seem to have gone astray…" he said.
Astray? That certainly put things in lighter terms. "We got lost." I translated.
"Don't say it like that!" he yelled passionately.
"How could you have possibly NOT noticed when we went DOWNHILL on our way down the mountain?!" I yelled at him since HE had started the yelling. I wished that I hadn't said it, though, because Zoro was smart enough to point out the fact that I hadn't noticed the downhill either.
"You didn't notice either." He said.
Quick think quick think quick think…"I just didn't say anything." I said finally.
"Liar." He accused me. I don't know why my following emotion was offence because I was, after all, lying.
I noticed that Zoro's attention had turned away from our discussion and was now paying attention to the mob of the Village Men. Oh those men. Their small size frightens me slightly.
"Are you going to back me up or are you just going to stand back and watch like last time?" Zoro said randomly.
Why would he want to harm the men? They may be small and scary and possess deep voices, but they're definitely not hostile. Plus, what did he mean by 'like last time'? "Pardon me?" I said just as the leader of the men stepped forward.
"Representative of the Village of Women, who is this strange woman you are traveling with?" he said, addressing the question towards me.
I took a moment to recall that I was this representative he was referring to. Then that meant that Zoro was the 'strange woman'. Ha. Ha ha. "Ah, well, this strange woman just so happens to be the Village Leader of the Village of Women." I said, going along with it.
Zoro looked incredibly astonished that anyone could mistake HIM for a woman. I was slightly astonished as well. I figured it was just because he was a lot bigger than the men so they automatically assumed that he must be of the female variety. I mean, according to them, I was a woman as well and we all know that that's not true! "What are you talking about?" Zoro asked me.
"How did this woman become leader of the Village of Women?" asked the Village Leader. "She is very small." At least they could distinguish between the Village Women and the two of us.
"It is clear because she is the most beautiful of them all!" said another one of the tiny men.
"You're right!" said a third. "Her beauty far surpasses any of the others! We should have our prince marry HER! I'm sure she'll be very good at conceiving large and masculine men as well as some petite, feminine women."
Oh, so I'm not the most beautiful? I swear, if I were a woman, I would definitely date myself. But there was no way I would date Zoro. Even if I were to dig as deep as to look at his personality but that would only turn me off even more. Besides, he had no femininity whatsoever and I began to feel offended for every woman in the world. Even the hideous, primitive women back at the Village of Women.
Zoro looked like he was going to attack the men, so I kicked him and pulled him aside to give him a short talk. "Zoro, this is the Village of Men." I explained. What did I say? Short talk.
"Yes, I noticed." Zoro replied, looking angry. "The village of the very tiny and very insulting men."
"You probably look different from their perspective." I said, also trying to find a reason why they would ever consider Zoro to be a woman. Women were so much more beautiful than that.
"But they've all seen women before," he said. "After all, there's a village compiled entirely of women just on the other side of this island!"
"Yes but…they are very large…and very hideous…" I couldn't help but say. But still, they were more beautiful women than Zoro. Because they WERE women. And Zoro…well, he's NOT.
"ENOUGH!!" came the booming voice of the Village Leader as he pointed his laser gun at us. I couldn't help but be taken aback by such a threat, especially since we had been so friendly with them. "We are through with negotiations!"
Negotiations? As I recalled, we were merely talking about how beautiful Zoro was. Well, I wasn't doing such a thing, but they were. So technically, the conversation we had just had was pretty much the opposite of anything that could be even considered negotiations. "Were we negotiating?" I said.
"You have failed to return our prince to us!" he continued, completely disregarding my comment since he probably realized the validity of it. "So, as irresistible as your beauty may be, since you are the leader of the village we are to rage war against, we have no choice but to do this!"
Then he raised his gun. A gun? Well! I am certainly offended. I waited for Zoro to do something but he only stood there and watched. I wasn't about to fight an army of tiny men with guns by myself.
The men began to tie Zoro and I together. I waited and waited for Zoro to do something. I mean, isn't he the kind of person to just foolishly rush into battle, not caring if he gets shot with a laser gun? If not, I had been horribly misinformed this whole time I had been a part of this crew.
We were brutally tossed into a cage and then carried off. My legs were free so I could have easily escaped the cage but I assumed we were going off to the Village of Women. This meant that we were getting a free ride. This also meant that if I were to free us both at this point then we would have to go all the way to the Village of Women tied together like this. Not to mention the fact that I was half expecting Zoro to just leap up and do something but I guess he had a soar throat or something because he kept clearing it…
We suddenly came to a stop. I couldn't see where we were because Zoro was facing in the direction in which we had been traveling so I only attempted to see over my shoulder but didn't have much success.
"We have come to sacrifice your Beautiful and Fair Village Leader and Village Representative!" came the voice of one of the tiny men. I swear, if I were a woman then I would be MUCH more attractive than Zoro.
"No need!" came the familiar voice of my beloved Nami-san. She was trying to rescue me! That meant that she was probably trying to fight off the Village Men as I sat here contemplating what she was doing! I had to save her!! I used my superior kicking abilities to destroy the cage and jump out. Zoro was still tied to me since, after all, I hadn't exactly untied us and, even though I severely lack in upper body strength, I wasn't about to let his deadweight slow me down.
"Fear not, Nami-san!" I assured her as I began to kick each man. "This tiny men shall plague you no longer."
Even if I had to kick each on individually into oblivion, I was going to rescue Nami-san. Zoro was yelling at me, probably wanted to be untied but I could not multi-task while saving Nami-san. She was much more important than he was. Than he could EVER be.
It was going well, and I had nearly obliterated half of the population of men when I suddenly felt something hit me on the head. In surprise, I fell to the ground and, unfortunately, since I was suspending Zoro in the air he fell on top of me as well. So there I was, Zoro was on top of me AGAIN, but it's not like he minded or anything. He probably liked it. Knowing him.
"WHAT are you doing?!" Nami-san yelled at Zoro. He had probably hit me. And she was yelling at him for stopping me from saving her. And he's crushing me. That's what he's doing.
"What am I doing?!" he yelled, probably in disbelief that he had stopped me from performing an amazing feat. Thankfully, he stood up and began having an argument with Nami-san. I took that opportunity to look around at all the men who were rising from their collapsed positions on the ground. Why were they so very resilient? People can't usually just recover from my kicks. Especially men of their size.
I saw them approaching. They were probably angry or something, because one drew a knife. I wasn't about to let him attack me OR Nami-san for that matter, so I kicked him away as hard as I could, and I watched as his little body turned into a speck off in the distance. I momentarily felt incredibly satisfied that I had kicked him so very far, that I decided to make a game out of it. They didn't seem to learn as they continuously stepped forward with their knives and I actually got to kicking them pretty far when one finally spoke up.
"We're TRYING to cut you free!" he said.
I knew he was lying, so I only scoffed at him. But, upon scoffing, I saw that one was coming up behind me, in front of Zoro, and I was going to kick him as well but it was a weird angle and my legs just didn't bend that way. And Zoro was to busy with his conversation with Luffy that he didn't even seem to notice the tiny man.
Suddenly, I fell to the ground. The ropes had been cut, and the small men were all looking at me with concerned expressions. I immediately reached for a cigarette and lit it since I had been deprived of my nicotine for quite some time now and felt as though I deserved a smoke. So they were trying to cut us free the whole time. People have made worse mistakes than that. It happens to the best of us.
"Because you all helped us retrieve our Prince and Princess, we formally invite you to the wedding!!" exclaimed one of the men.
They didn't seem angry with me at all for kicking every single one of them at least once! And I wasn't about to pass up the opportunity to go to a wedding. "Of course!" I said immediately.
I had to run off to the bathroom before the wedding, though, since I hadn't really gone all day. First off, the toilet was about five feet of the ground. And more importantly, there was no liftable seat cover. It was just the ladies seat. I don't know how they were expecting me to possibly use something like this, so I ended up just doing my business in the woods.
Upon my return, there was a party going on. Apparently, I had missed the wedding during my bathroom break. Oh well! Time to drink and win Nami-san over!
I drank a lot and asked Nami-san to dance with me. She said no, so I waited for her to drink a lot too. Then I asked her to dance with me again, but she said no again. So I got a bunch of drinks just for her and lined them all up so that when she walked by, I could give her some so that she'd dance with me. But she didn't really walk by so I ended up just drinking them all by myself.
The only thing I could do that would get her to dance with me, is to make her jealous. I walked up to one of the tiny men. "Hey you, would you be so kind as to direct me to the most beautiful woman at this reception?" I requested. "I would like to dance with her."
He pointed over in the corner to a girl with many green leaves in her hair. I was going to take the little man's word on her being the most beautiful one since, I don't know, maybe it was foggy outside and I couldn't exactly see clearly. When I got over to her, I said in my most suave voice, "Greetings, young lady, would you like to dance with me?"
She politely refused, explaining that she did not dance. I didn't really want to dance with her anyway, since she had a really deep voice and that was just not normal. So I was off on my way, back to a table. I coolly took a sip of champagne and decided that it was late, and it was due time for a nice nap.
I woke up a little while later to find myself completely submerged under water. I looked up to see that I was reasonably deep and did not know how I had gotten out to where I could possibly be that deep.
Suddenly, I saw a figure swimming towards me. I couldn't quite make out who, or what, it was, but it grabbed onto me and pulled me to the surface. The only thing that would have saved my life like that while being underwater, was a mermaid.
It was dark and my vision was blurry, so I couldn't quite make out exactly what she looked like but if she was a mermaid, that meant she was beautiful. I squinted and then saw that she was the most beautiful mermaid in the world with green seaweed in her hair! No, her hair was green! It was like a dream come true because everyone knows that mermaids only reside in ALL BLUE!!
"Ah, a beautiful green haired mermaid has saved me!" I said.
She looked at me and I thought that maybe we would go into a deep embrace and kiss but instead, she hit me over the head, but in a very affectionate and charming way. Perhaps that's how mermaids show their love. And then I went to sleep again.