Chapter one - The resurrection
Sunlight filtered into my eyes between the railed windows and filling the soft gray, padded room with surreal warmth. For the life of me, I couldn't remember the last time I could feel and appreciate the sunlight, though I couldn't grasp onto the feeling very long. All feelings I had were erased. I was so empty inside, I'm sure that if someone were to enter my body like a cave and call into it, they would hear their echo for years.
I lied there on the ground of my empty room, staring unblinking up at the ceiling, entertaining myself by counting the rips in the material; most caused by me. That was long ago though, how long to be exact I wasn't sure. I had to have been in this place at least a year, but it felt longer.much longer. I don't even remember being admitted here, or going to the hospital to have my wrists stitched up, memories these days of the past were fleeting and uncontrollable thanks to the many pills I had to consume nearly every hour it seemed. The only glimpse of a memory I can recall is the day I'm nearly positive drove me to this place: That cold winter day. The specific details, I cannot tell, driven out of my memory. I remember lying on the ground in the middle of the hustle and bustle of the city with excruciating pain in my wrists, hearing a terrible laugh in my head.a bodiless laugh. I could feel the blood spurting out of my incisions like a white rapid, the more it exited the weaker I felt, less breaths I took, the more intense the laughter. Then people began to surround me. "Fuck them" I thought to myself, then blacked out.
I awoke here, in this very place I lay on the ground; at first bound by a white jacket, the voice in my head taunting me for living so badly I somehow escaped the jacket and tried to tear myself out of the chamber in a fit of rage, to get at the voice.to destroy who ever it was. They simply needed to leave me alone. Though that was put to a quick end as a small piercing pain entered my neck followed by a warm, pleasant sting making me drowsy.then I fell. When I awoke once more, a heavy headed pain and a low ringing in my ears greeted me. I lifted my hand to my forehead to rub my temples, and then saw them. On my wrists, were.stitches? Ranging from my palm to my forearm, on both arms. Someone in that pathetic, idiotic world saved me. Someone actually cared that I was dying. Perhaps some of the world wasn't that bad? I wouldn't go that far to say, but someone.cared.
I was placed back in the jacket a few hours later, though I never tried to break out of it again. I'm sure the medicine they injected in me while I was out killed the voice in my head, for I could never hear it speak again. Sure, I could hear its vocals ringing in my head, but with no words. Just gibberish. Only recently I was released from that jacket again never to be bound by it again on good behavior. Though the 'good behavior' was only the result of the medicine; I could never imagine me doing any good, or anything at that matter. I was just nothing.just.empty.
As that memory ended like a movie and the credits of gibberish rolled, I blinked and heaved a long, heavy sigh. I rested the back of my head on my arms, though lightly. Yes, the stitches had been long removed, but too much pressure hurt like Hell. I rubbed the heel of my boot up and down the side of my calf attempting to cure an itch, too lazy to sit up and scratch the irritation. The sun now shined down into the side of my left eye, blinding me with a bright warm light momentarily before I tilted my head away.
"Johnny?" A soft feminine voice called from my door. I slowly turned my head, looking up at her. She was my nurse, a younger rather pretty girl named Andrea. She treated me well, untiringly like a mother. Coming by once an hour to get my anything I wanted and to give me my pills, claiming they would do me well. Sometimes she would come down just to talk to me, to rid me of the utter boredom in this God forsaken room. From those conversations, I learned that she had a gray cat named Smokey, lived in an apartment in the city, and liked the theater, going to orchestras, and the simple pleasures of life. I wished that I could tell her things about me, though to be honest, I mostly wished I could even remember things about me other than " My name is Johnny Colt. You can call me Nny." She never did call me Nny.
" How are you feeling?" She asked, offering me a warm smile and brushing her long blonde hair behind her ears. I blinked, not answering for a moment, then looking back up at the ceiling.
"Cold." I replied, looking back at her. The smile still plastered onto her face in a warm, almost mother like state.
" Would you like a blanket?" She asked once more tilting her head. I nodded. " I'll go get one in a moment, I've brought you your lunch. Please eat it today Johnny, you're so skinny I'm surprised you can lift your legs with boots that heavy." She added with a hint of a joke and a sparkle in her sapphire eyes. She wasn't lying, I was sickly thin; feeling every individual rib in my rib cage and my pelvic bones jutting out as I lied there, though I simply wasn't hungry. She opened my door, walking slowly into my room carrying a tray resting a bowl with which steam twisted in the air, and a small glass of water no doubt, placing it down next to me. I looked up at her then back at the tray, slowly sitting up, legs crossed over one another.
" They made soup today, chicken soup to be exact. You need your protein Johnny, please eat it for me." She said looking me in the eyes pathetically. I looked back and her blankly, then down at the bowl of yellowish broth. Despite my lack of hunger, I picked up the plastic spoon and dipped it into the warm broth, blowing on it slightly, and taking it to my mouth. Immediately the warmth filled my body and the taste licked my tongue.I couldn't remember the last time I had eaten soup, hunger attacked me then after as I hastily dipped the spoon back down and took another mouthful. Andrea smiled at me and patted my bony back. " See? It's not so bad! I'll be back with that blanket." She said happily, standing back up and leaving my room with a light click of the door. I sat there on the ground eating the soup feverishly. Embracing the return of the feeling: Hunger. Before long, the bowl was empty as I drank the water in less than two gulps. Andrea returned carrying a white, fleece like blanket and another glass of water, immediately looking down at the empty containers.
" Good! You ate it all! " She squeaked, placing the blanket next to me and sitting down in front of me, moving the tray towards the door. I unwrapped it and coiled it around my shoulders.
" Nice day out there?" I asked looking up at the window, seeing the blue sky. She nodded
"Lovely. Even if it is a tad on the chilly side." She replied. I looked back at her emotionlessly then at the little cup of pills in her hand. Her gaze followed mine. " Oh yes, I almost forgot. It's time for your medicine."
I looked at her pathetically, one side of my mouth dropping to a half frown and groaning. She smiled and rubbed her hand up and down my protruding spine.
" Awww come on Nny.They've made you so much better!" She cooed in her motherly fashion.I was simply surprised she called me Nny. Once more against my will, I took the pills and the water she handed me and consumed them. After all she was right. They had calmed me.no longer did I have those violent, depressing urges I used to. " Now," she started after I handed the empty glass back to her whipping my lips " I'd like to ask you something."
"Go ahead." I answered quietly.
Sunlight filtered into my eyes between the railed windows and filling the soft gray, padded room with surreal warmth. For the life of me, I couldn't remember the last time I could feel and appreciate the sunlight, though I couldn't grasp onto the feeling very long. All feelings I had were erased. I was so empty inside, I'm sure that if someone were to enter my body like a cave and call into it, they would hear their echo for years.
I lied there on the ground of my empty room, staring unblinking up at the ceiling, entertaining myself by counting the rips in the material; most caused by me. That was long ago though, how long to be exact I wasn't sure. I had to have been in this place at least a year, but it felt longer.much longer. I don't even remember being admitted here, or going to the hospital to have my wrists stitched up, memories these days of the past were fleeting and uncontrollable thanks to the many pills I had to consume nearly every hour it seemed. The only glimpse of a memory I can recall is the day I'm nearly positive drove me to this place: That cold winter day. The specific details, I cannot tell, driven out of my memory. I remember lying on the ground in the middle of the hustle and bustle of the city with excruciating pain in my wrists, hearing a terrible laugh in my head.a bodiless laugh. I could feel the blood spurting out of my incisions like a white rapid, the more it exited the weaker I felt, less breaths I took, the more intense the laughter. Then people began to surround me. "Fuck them" I thought to myself, then blacked out.
I awoke here, in this very place I lay on the ground; at first bound by a white jacket, the voice in my head taunting me for living so badly I somehow escaped the jacket and tried to tear myself out of the chamber in a fit of rage, to get at the voice.to destroy who ever it was. They simply needed to leave me alone. Though that was put to a quick end as a small piercing pain entered my neck followed by a warm, pleasant sting making me drowsy.then I fell. When I awoke once more, a heavy headed pain and a low ringing in my ears greeted me. I lifted my hand to my forehead to rub my temples, and then saw them. On my wrists, were.stitches? Ranging from my palm to my forearm, on both arms. Someone in that pathetic, idiotic world saved me. Someone actually cared that I was dying. Perhaps some of the world wasn't that bad? I wouldn't go that far to say, but someone.cared.
I was placed back in the jacket a few hours later, though I never tried to break out of it again. I'm sure the medicine they injected in me while I was out killed the voice in my head, for I could never hear it speak again. Sure, I could hear its vocals ringing in my head, but with no words. Just gibberish. Only recently I was released from that jacket again never to be bound by it again on good behavior. Though the 'good behavior' was only the result of the medicine; I could never imagine me doing any good, or anything at that matter. I was just nothing.just.empty.
As that memory ended like a movie and the credits of gibberish rolled, I blinked and heaved a long, heavy sigh. I rested the back of my head on my arms, though lightly. Yes, the stitches had been long removed, but too much pressure hurt like Hell. I rubbed the heel of my boot up and down the side of my calf attempting to cure an itch, too lazy to sit up and scratch the irritation. The sun now shined down into the side of my left eye, blinding me with a bright warm light momentarily before I tilted my head away.
"Johnny?" A soft feminine voice called from my door. I slowly turned my head, looking up at her. She was my nurse, a younger rather pretty girl named Andrea. She treated me well, untiringly like a mother. Coming by once an hour to get my anything I wanted and to give me my pills, claiming they would do me well. Sometimes she would come down just to talk to me, to rid me of the utter boredom in this God forsaken room. From those conversations, I learned that she had a gray cat named Smokey, lived in an apartment in the city, and liked the theater, going to orchestras, and the simple pleasures of life. I wished that I could tell her things about me, though to be honest, I mostly wished I could even remember things about me other than " My name is Johnny Colt. You can call me Nny." She never did call me Nny.
" How are you feeling?" She asked, offering me a warm smile and brushing her long blonde hair behind her ears. I blinked, not answering for a moment, then looking back up at the ceiling.
"Cold." I replied, looking back at her. The smile still plastered onto her face in a warm, almost mother like state.
" Would you like a blanket?" She asked once more tilting her head. I nodded. " I'll go get one in a moment, I've brought you your lunch. Please eat it today Johnny, you're so skinny I'm surprised you can lift your legs with boots that heavy." She added with a hint of a joke and a sparkle in her sapphire eyes. She wasn't lying, I was sickly thin; feeling every individual rib in my rib cage and my pelvic bones jutting out as I lied there, though I simply wasn't hungry. She opened my door, walking slowly into my room carrying a tray resting a bowl with which steam twisted in the air, and a small glass of water no doubt, placing it down next to me. I looked up at her then back at the tray, slowly sitting up, legs crossed over one another.
" They made soup today, chicken soup to be exact. You need your protein Johnny, please eat it for me." She said looking me in the eyes pathetically. I looked back and her blankly, then down at the bowl of yellowish broth. Despite my lack of hunger, I picked up the plastic spoon and dipped it into the warm broth, blowing on it slightly, and taking it to my mouth. Immediately the warmth filled my body and the taste licked my tongue.I couldn't remember the last time I had eaten soup, hunger attacked me then after as I hastily dipped the spoon back down and took another mouthful. Andrea smiled at me and patted my bony back. " See? It's not so bad! I'll be back with that blanket." She said happily, standing back up and leaving my room with a light click of the door. I sat there on the ground eating the soup feverishly. Embracing the return of the feeling: Hunger. Before long, the bowl was empty as I drank the water in less than two gulps. Andrea returned carrying a white, fleece like blanket and another glass of water, immediately looking down at the empty containers.
" Good! You ate it all! " She squeaked, placing the blanket next to me and sitting down in front of me, moving the tray towards the door. I unwrapped it and coiled it around my shoulders.
" Nice day out there?" I asked looking up at the window, seeing the blue sky. She nodded
"Lovely. Even if it is a tad on the chilly side." She replied. I looked back at her emotionlessly then at the little cup of pills in her hand. Her gaze followed mine. " Oh yes, I almost forgot. It's time for your medicine."
I looked at her pathetically, one side of my mouth dropping to a half frown and groaning. She smiled and rubbed her hand up and down my protruding spine.
" Awww come on Nny.They've made you so much better!" She cooed in her motherly fashion.I was simply surprised she called me Nny. Once more against my will, I took the pills and the water she handed me and consumed them. After all she was right. They had calmed me.no longer did I have those violent, depressing urges I used to. " Now," she started after I handed the empty glass back to her whipping my lips " I'd like to ask you something."
"Go ahead." I answered quietly.