Evanescent
By: Aznstarangel
Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho, nor do I own the song "My Immortal." They both belong to their respective creators and writers.
Chapter 2: "My Immortal"
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I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
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Two months...
It had been two months since that day... the day that I had my feelings of love returned to me, and then taken away from me all at once. I had lived through it... and even though I said I wouldn't be afraid of saying goodbye to you... I was.
And that was when it started. I felt you around me all the time, watching me, observing my everyday actions, and then being near me when I was alone. At first it was comforting... that you were still with me, even in death, but then it started to become a little unnerving.
My instinct told me that the spirit was you, and yet... something inside of me made me go to Koenma to make sure. An unknown force, driving me to get my facts straight before I became paranoid and onto the verge of me feeling unsafe wherever I went.
Koenma confirmed it last month, that you had asked to stay as a spirit in the Ningenkai, and he had offered you a quarter of a year, three months, at maximum to remain in this world until your spirit was to be passed on to the Reikai. I was comforted for a while, but a small pain inside of me still lingered in my mind, causing me to be torn between happiness and misery.
After two weeks, I knew what that pain was. It had been bothering me ever since I felt the presence of your spirit being with me.
It was the pain of remorse, regret... and guilt...
After thinking back for a few weeks, I had replayed the last day I had with you. The usual calling from Koenma for the new mission, the ranting Yusuke and Kuwabara went through saying how they did not want to waste their time on another mission, the grunt of dissatisfaction from them knowing they had to go anyway... and then... the actual mission... in which you had been killed...
...trying to save... me...
That was when your presence became more disturbing than comforting. The fact that the spirit of the one I loved, who died trying to save me, was following me everywhere I went made my pain grow even more. I decided to ignore the feeling, telling myself that I was being irrational, and thus, I moved forward with my everyday life, pasting on the fake smile that got me through the day.
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These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
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After a while a couldn't stand it. This never ceasing feeling coursing through my body, reminding me that had it not been for my not paying attention to the attacking youkai, you would still be here... alive, and with me. I suppose you noticed my change in physical appearance, for I ate little and had not the will to sleep, and that was what drew you to back away for a little while, going to check on other people, mainly Yukina, until I recovered from my mental trauma.
By the time you returned, nothing had changed. I felt no different, no variation in my habits from before your spirit left me, to when it reappeared. But now, after taking time away from you to think I through, I understood.
Your dead spirit, being here reminded me everyday of my mistake, of a flaw that I did not want to have. The pain I felt was for you, for your soul to move on and to let me live my life, without the memory of my errors impelled on my every movement, and my every breath.
Though my physical wounds had healed from the time away from your spirit, the wounds that were emblazoned in my mind were to stay there. I just could not recover... not this time...
Someone once said, "Time heals all wounds." If only that were true...
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When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have... all of me
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You had left for another period of time checking on the others, for I could not feel your presence around me anymore. I suppose it was for the better... considering what was happening while you were away.
Apparently now, my mask was becoming see-through, as people started not to believe that I was my usual "happy" self. My "fan club" had noticed it as well, and half the girls bothered me half to death, trying to see how they could "help me." They asked me questions, overwhelmed me with unnecessary gifts, and tried to figure out what was wrong so that they could so-call "fix it." I walked faster, trying to get away from them, but a few of them wouldn't let up, continuing to ask questions about what happened to me.
"Are you ok Shuichi?"
"Did someone hurt you?"
"Did you lose a loved one?"
I froze at that statement. What did it matter to them? They had no idea who I lost, what I went through... how it was my fault that I lost him. My lack of movement had obviously hinted to the girls that I had lost someone that I loved, and they swarmed around me, trying to "comfort" me.
"It's ok Shuichi. I bet she lived a nice life"
"You can come over and we can talk about it..."
"How did she die?"
"You'll always have a memory of her."
Why did they automatically assume it was a girl? Would they expect less of a reaction from me if it were a guy? More "comforting words" were thrown my way as I continued to walk home. When I got to the corner of the street that was about three blocks from my house, I lost it.
"*HE* DIED BECAUSE OF ME! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"
It was clear to say that the girls were shocked and I took that moment to get a head start back to my house. When I got to my block, I slowed down, looking towards the tree to the left of my bedroom window, where you slept at times when you came to visit me. On a dazed impulse, I unlocked the door with my key and let myself in.
It was like a routine to me now, as I padded up the stairs into my room. Sometimes I would find you there, other times I would not. Now... I knew that I wouldn't see you... at least not physically.
My eyes drifted over to the bed where you had ended up in a few times because of your usual reckless behavior, getting yourself brutally injured and then I would have to find you and nurse you back to health. I remembered the last time you lay in my bed, because of an abnormally large stab wound from a fairly strong youkai that you had fought a while back.
~*Flashback*~
"Hiei! How're you feeling?"
You had just woken up and inwardly I breathed a sigh of relief. The youkai had hit you hard and you took the full force of his sword. How you managed to singe him to death with his own sword was still a blur to me it had all happened so fast. One moment he had you at your knees, bleeding from the stab wound in your stomach, and another you had taken the sword and sent your youki through it and sent it straight back at him. That whole process took about twenty seconds before Yusuke, Kuwabara and I had a chance to stop you. I suppose the defeat of the demon was a good thing, but the unnatural excessive bleeding of your wound had caused you to faint.
I had squeezed a certain substance in your wound out of a seed, which allowed a quicker closure of the wound as well as faster clotting of the blood. It would allow more time for me to take you back to my house to properly address your wound.
I carried you back, mechanically walking straight to my house without taking my eyes off of you. As I laid you on my bed, I couldn't resist the urge to brush back a few locks of your dark black hair from your face and set them back in place with the rest of the silky strands. After tending to your wounds and pulling my blankets over you, I sat next to my bed, watching and waiting for you to awaken.
"Hn..."
And now you were awake, looking at me with crimson orbs, questioning me and wondering why you were here.
In a failed attempt to sit up, you strained your wound and it started to bleed again, the original clot being too feeble to prevent the loss of blood from happening if exposed to pressure. You winced, a sound that I had not heard very often. I knew then that this was rather serious if you revealed a small flicker of pain, even though your masks flew down again to show indifference. Eventually, I convinced you to lie back down while I retrieved new bandages to redress your now open wound.
I got up to get bandages, still watching you from the corner of my eye, making sure that you didn't move anymore than you had to. You closed your eyes and it was then that I saw a small glimmer of light being reflected off the side of your eyelid.
Taking the bandages with me, I walked over to you, careful not to cause any sudden movements that would jar you awake and then strain the wound even more. When I got closer, my mind registered that the small droplet lingering around your eye was a tear, a rare display of emotions unbeknownst to anyone but me. I was the only one that knew... and I'd be the only one that would ever know.
Swiftly, I brushed the tear away with a gentle caress, not wanting to wake you from the pleasures of peaceful sleep. A comforting thought swept into my mind; apparently, you trusted me enough to sleep in my presence, and even more so to cry, even if it was a single tear, in front of me. Perhaps it was an unconscious action, made involuntarily by your body, but still, it reminded me that I would always be there for you whenever you needed me.
~*End Flashback*~
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You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
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I sat down on my bed, allowing my weariness to sink in. I ran a hand through my hair, trying to calm my senses and after a few minutes, I lay down, surrendering to my exhaustion and falling into a deep sleep.
~*~
//I walked through an unusual forest. It held rare plants and they were lined up flawlessly along the side of a perfectly paved dirt path. As I walked along the established path, the plants seemed to bend toward me, comforting me in a way that no human could ever do... except one...
"Kurama..."
My head shot up at the voice that called out to me. Why did that deep vibration of sound seem so familiar? I had heard it so many times... but it couldn't be... could it?
"Kurama... it's been a while..."
My eyes slanted in an awkward squint, gazing off towards the end of the path and making out a faint shadow of a body. I walked closer, my eyes widening as I made out the shape to be none other than...
"Hiei...." My voice came out as a small whisper, unwilling to believe what I saw in front of me.
I ran forward, my arms clenching around your slim body, not wanting to let go, wanting this to be real...
And then...
Firm arms clutched my shoulders and they delivered a strong push, causing me to fall backwards onto the dirt road.
"Hiei... what-"
"What the hell is wrong with you Kurama?" My eyes widened at your words.
"Did you think that I'd forgive you after what you did? It was all because of you that I died. It was all. your. fault." You spit out the last three words at me with a cold tone in your voice.
I watched as you turned and walked away, my vocal cords failing me, and I was unable to call out in that moment. Your shadow faded more and more and I couldn't watch. I turned my face downward, still trying to call out to your departing form.
I was finally able to force my voice to work and it allowed me to scream out in a choking sound, but by then I could no longer see you...
"HIEI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"//
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These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
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I jolted awake, breathing heavily, my forehead drenched in a cold sweat. It was only a dream. But what had happened in the dream hit me hard... I knew I would never forgive myself... but neither would Hiei. He had died because of my foolishness and there was no way for me to fix it. I could not pull out a plant and bring him back to life. If there were such a thing, Kuronue would not be dead right now... and neither would Hiei.
//'Everything... is my fault...'//
A small breeze swept through my room and my eyes glanced over to the window. I could feel your presence here now. Perhaps you had heard me scream, or maybe you came on instinct. Whatever the reason, you were here, and the air around me became uncomfortable. I cast my eyes downward again and focused on the floor.
I couldn't handle you being here. I just couldn't. I felt weak. None of this would have bothered me to this extent when I was a youko. I was fazed by pain every once in a while, but not to the point of pure insanity. It was too much... Nothing I did would erase what happened. Nothing I tried would prevent me from feeling this way.
Nothing...
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When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have... all of me
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You only had about two weeks left in the Ningenkai, but every moment that you were with me, I felt the stabbing pain run through me all over again. It lessened when you were away, when I was not able to sense your spirit near me, but when you were right next to me in your unearthly form, the stinging feeling that ran through my blood was too much.
"Hiei..." I spoke into the emptiness of the room, not able to see you and not knowing which way to face when I was talking to you. "Hiei, I know you're here just to be with me and to make me feel more comfortable about your death but..."
I trailed off... Could I say it? Could I tell him that because he was here, I was in pain? Would it hurt him more than it was hurting me?
I shook the thought out of my head. He was leaving in a few weeks anyway, there was nothing wrong with telling him... it's not like I could kill him... again...
"Hiei... I-I... I don't... I don't want you here anymore..."
I felt your spirit reel back in shock and then, to my surprise, your form started to take physical shape. I could see a faint outline of you, standing next to me. So that was where you were... But how...? Your form started to take a more definitive shape, but you were still translucent. I knew you hadn't come back to life, but when I saw your figure... I had hoped...
A small tear fell down my cheek, and I diverted my gaze and quickly wiped it away, not wanting you to see me like this.
"Kurama..." a soft voice called my name and I turned back to where your form was. "Do you really mean that Kurama...?"
Sadly I nodded.
"Yes... gomen Hiei, but I mean it..."
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I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along...
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Your eyes widened the slightest bit, showing me that you were surprised, but that you somewhat expected it. You sighed and turned away, looking out the window at the full moon. The fact that you didn't say anything made me think that you wanted more of an explanation.
"Hiei... I never wanted it to be this way, but... every time... every time you're around... I have this feeling inside me that burns and it makes me suffer until you are no longer around." My eyes started to water again as I threw out my feelings at you. "I couldn't take the pain... the emotions, the guilt... I had never felt guilt as a youko. Everything to me was as it should have been. Those who died should have died. But not this time... This time, I should have died, but instead you saved me... and I can't handle the remorseful feeling that if I had done something, you would not have died."
Two crystalline tears fell down my cheek and I was too tired to wipe them away. I started when a ghostly hand tried to brush away my tears and trace the path that they made down my cheek, but in failure.
"How I wish I could still touch you..." you said, your deep voice filled with an unusual sound of sorrow.
"I'm sorry Hiei..." I whispered. "But I can't deal with you being here. It's too painful... please... just leave..." I turned my head away, lying back down on my bed, hoping that you would leave soon. The next time I opened my eyes you were gone and on the side of my pillow lay a small piece of paper. It read:
//Kurama,
I'm sorry I have caused you so much pain and I hope you know that I still love you no matter what. It was not your fault that I died. You know that I would do anything to save you, and giving my life is included in "anything." I hope you will feel closure after my spirit has moved on. I am going to the Reikai and asking Koenma to withdraw the rest of the time that I am to stay here...//
I sighed. He was leaving... for good now... and I would never get him back...
More silent tears slid down my cheeks as I wondered if I should not had made my decision so fast, but the last line of the letter told me that I had done what was best.
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When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have...
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//No matter what, I will always be with you... and you still have all of me... and my love.//
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...all of me...
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~-*-~~-*-~~-*-~~-*-~Owari~-*-~~-*-~~-*-~~-*-~
Please Review
By: Aznstarangel
Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho, nor do I own the song "My Immortal." They both belong to their respective creators and writers.
Chapter 2: "My Immortal"
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I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
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Two months...
It had been two months since that day... the day that I had my feelings of love returned to me, and then taken away from me all at once. I had lived through it... and even though I said I wouldn't be afraid of saying goodbye to you... I was.
And that was when it started. I felt you around me all the time, watching me, observing my everyday actions, and then being near me when I was alone. At first it was comforting... that you were still with me, even in death, but then it started to become a little unnerving.
My instinct told me that the spirit was you, and yet... something inside of me made me go to Koenma to make sure. An unknown force, driving me to get my facts straight before I became paranoid and onto the verge of me feeling unsafe wherever I went.
Koenma confirmed it last month, that you had asked to stay as a spirit in the Ningenkai, and he had offered you a quarter of a year, three months, at maximum to remain in this world until your spirit was to be passed on to the Reikai. I was comforted for a while, but a small pain inside of me still lingered in my mind, causing me to be torn between happiness and misery.
After two weeks, I knew what that pain was. It had been bothering me ever since I felt the presence of your spirit being with me.
It was the pain of remorse, regret... and guilt...
After thinking back for a few weeks, I had replayed the last day I had with you. The usual calling from Koenma for the new mission, the ranting Yusuke and Kuwabara went through saying how they did not want to waste their time on another mission, the grunt of dissatisfaction from them knowing they had to go anyway... and then... the actual mission... in which you had been killed...
...trying to save... me...
That was when your presence became more disturbing than comforting. The fact that the spirit of the one I loved, who died trying to save me, was following me everywhere I went made my pain grow even more. I decided to ignore the feeling, telling myself that I was being irrational, and thus, I moved forward with my everyday life, pasting on the fake smile that got me through the day.
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These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
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After a while a couldn't stand it. This never ceasing feeling coursing through my body, reminding me that had it not been for my not paying attention to the attacking youkai, you would still be here... alive, and with me. I suppose you noticed my change in physical appearance, for I ate little and had not the will to sleep, and that was what drew you to back away for a little while, going to check on other people, mainly Yukina, until I recovered from my mental trauma.
By the time you returned, nothing had changed. I felt no different, no variation in my habits from before your spirit left me, to when it reappeared. But now, after taking time away from you to think I through, I understood.
Your dead spirit, being here reminded me everyday of my mistake, of a flaw that I did not want to have. The pain I felt was for you, for your soul to move on and to let me live my life, without the memory of my errors impelled on my every movement, and my every breath.
Though my physical wounds had healed from the time away from your spirit, the wounds that were emblazoned in my mind were to stay there. I just could not recover... not this time...
Someone once said, "Time heals all wounds." If only that were true...
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When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have... all of me
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You had left for another period of time checking on the others, for I could not feel your presence around me anymore. I suppose it was for the better... considering what was happening while you were away.
Apparently now, my mask was becoming see-through, as people started not to believe that I was my usual "happy" self. My "fan club" had noticed it as well, and half the girls bothered me half to death, trying to see how they could "help me." They asked me questions, overwhelmed me with unnecessary gifts, and tried to figure out what was wrong so that they could so-call "fix it." I walked faster, trying to get away from them, but a few of them wouldn't let up, continuing to ask questions about what happened to me.
"Are you ok Shuichi?"
"Did someone hurt you?"
"Did you lose a loved one?"
I froze at that statement. What did it matter to them? They had no idea who I lost, what I went through... how it was my fault that I lost him. My lack of movement had obviously hinted to the girls that I had lost someone that I loved, and they swarmed around me, trying to "comfort" me.
"It's ok Shuichi. I bet she lived a nice life"
"You can come over and we can talk about it..."
"How did she die?"
"You'll always have a memory of her."
Why did they automatically assume it was a girl? Would they expect less of a reaction from me if it were a guy? More "comforting words" were thrown my way as I continued to walk home. When I got to the corner of the street that was about three blocks from my house, I lost it.
"*HE* DIED BECAUSE OF ME! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"
It was clear to say that the girls were shocked and I took that moment to get a head start back to my house. When I got to my block, I slowed down, looking towards the tree to the left of my bedroom window, where you slept at times when you came to visit me. On a dazed impulse, I unlocked the door with my key and let myself in.
It was like a routine to me now, as I padded up the stairs into my room. Sometimes I would find you there, other times I would not. Now... I knew that I wouldn't see you... at least not physically.
My eyes drifted over to the bed where you had ended up in a few times because of your usual reckless behavior, getting yourself brutally injured and then I would have to find you and nurse you back to health. I remembered the last time you lay in my bed, because of an abnormally large stab wound from a fairly strong youkai that you had fought a while back.
~*Flashback*~
"Hiei! How're you feeling?"
You had just woken up and inwardly I breathed a sigh of relief. The youkai had hit you hard and you took the full force of his sword. How you managed to singe him to death with his own sword was still a blur to me it had all happened so fast. One moment he had you at your knees, bleeding from the stab wound in your stomach, and another you had taken the sword and sent your youki through it and sent it straight back at him. That whole process took about twenty seconds before Yusuke, Kuwabara and I had a chance to stop you. I suppose the defeat of the demon was a good thing, but the unnatural excessive bleeding of your wound had caused you to faint.
I had squeezed a certain substance in your wound out of a seed, which allowed a quicker closure of the wound as well as faster clotting of the blood. It would allow more time for me to take you back to my house to properly address your wound.
I carried you back, mechanically walking straight to my house without taking my eyes off of you. As I laid you on my bed, I couldn't resist the urge to brush back a few locks of your dark black hair from your face and set them back in place with the rest of the silky strands. After tending to your wounds and pulling my blankets over you, I sat next to my bed, watching and waiting for you to awaken.
"Hn..."
And now you were awake, looking at me with crimson orbs, questioning me and wondering why you were here.
In a failed attempt to sit up, you strained your wound and it started to bleed again, the original clot being too feeble to prevent the loss of blood from happening if exposed to pressure. You winced, a sound that I had not heard very often. I knew then that this was rather serious if you revealed a small flicker of pain, even though your masks flew down again to show indifference. Eventually, I convinced you to lie back down while I retrieved new bandages to redress your now open wound.
I got up to get bandages, still watching you from the corner of my eye, making sure that you didn't move anymore than you had to. You closed your eyes and it was then that I saw a small glimmer of light being reflected off the side of your eyelid.
Taking the bandages with me, I walked over to you, careful not to cause any sudden movements that would jar you awake and then strain the wound even more. When I got closer, my mind registered that the small droplet lingering around your eye was a tear, a rare display of emotions unbeknownst to anyone but me. I was the only one that knew... and I'd be the only one that would ever know.
Swiftly, I brushed the tear away with a gentle caress, not wanting to wake you from the pleasures of peaceful sleep. A comforting thought swept into my mind; apparently, you trusted me enough to sleep in my presence, and even more so to cry, even if it was a single tear, in front of me. Perhaps it was an unconscious action, made involuntarily by your body, but still, it reminded me that I would always be there for you whenever you needed me.
~*End Flashback*~
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You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~
I sat down on my bed, allowing my weariness to sink in. I ran a hand through my hair, trying to calm my senses and after a few minutes, I lay down, surrendering to my exhaustion and falling into a deep sleep.
~*~
//I walked through an unusual forest. It held rare plants and they were lined up flawlessly along the side of a perfectly paved dirt path. As I walked along the established path, the plants seemed to bend toward me, comforting me in a way that no human could ever do... except one...
"Kurama..."
My head shot up at the voice that called out to me. Why did that deep vibration of sound seem so familiar? I had heard it so many times... but it couldn't be... could it?
"Kurama... it's been a while..."
My eyes slanted in an awkward squint, gazing off towards the end of the path and making out a faint shadow of a body. I walked closer, my eyes widening as I made out the shape to be none other than...
"Hiei...." My voice came out as a small whisper, unwilling to believe what I saw in front of me.
I ran forward, my arms clenching around your slim body, not wanting to let go, wanting this to be real...
And then...
Firm arms clutched my shoulders and they delivered a strong push, causing me to fall backwards onto the dirt road.
"Hiei... what-"
"What the hell is wrong with you Kurama?" My eyes widened at your words.
"Did you think that I'd forgive you after what you did? It was all because of you that I died. It was all. your. fault." You spit out the last three words at me with a cold tone in your voice.
I watched as you turned and walked away, my vocal cords failing me, and I was unable to call out in that moment. Your shadow faded more and more and I couldn't watch. I turned my face downward, still trying to call out to your departing form.
I was finally able to force my voice to work and it allowed me to scream out in a choking sound, but by then I could no longer see you...
"HIEI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"//
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These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
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I jolted awake, breathing heavily, my forehead drenched in a cold sweat. It was only a dream. But what had happened in the dream hit me hard... I knew I would never forgive myself... but neither would Hiei. He had died because of my foolishness and there was no way for me to fix it. I could not pull out a plant and bring him back to life. If there were such a thing, Kuronue would not be dead right now... and neither would Hiei.
//'Everything... is my fault...'//
A small breeze swept through my room and my eyes glanced over to the window. I could feel your presence here now. Perhaps you had heard me scream, or maybe you came on instinct. Whatever the reason, you were here, and the air around me became uncomfortable. I cast my eyes downward again and focused on the floor.
I couldn't handle you being here. I just couldn't. I felt weak. None of this would have bothered me to this extent when I was a youko. I was fazed by pain every once in a while, but not to the point of pure insanity. It was too much... Nothing I did would erase what happened. Nothing I tried would prevent me from feeling this way.
Nothing...
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When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have... all of me
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You only had about two weeks left in the Ningenkai, but every moment that you were with me, I felt the stabbing pain run through me all over again. It lessened when you were away, when I was not able to sense your spirit near me, but when you were right next to me in your unearthly form, the stinging feeling that ran through my blood was too much.
"Hiei..." I spoke into the emptiness of the room, not able to see you and not knowing which way to face when I was talking to you. "Hiei, I know you're here just to be with me and to make me feel more comfortable about your death but..."
I trailed off... Could I say it? Could I tell him that because he was here, I was in pain? Would it hurt him more than it was hurting me?
I shook the thought out of my head. He was leaving in a few weeks anyway, there was nothing wrong with telling him... it's not like I could kill him... again...
"Hiei... I-I... I don't... I don't want you here anymore..."
I felt your spirit reel back in shock and then, to my surprise, your form started to take physical shape. I could see a faint outline of you, standing next to me. So that was where you were... But how...? Your form started to take a more definitive shape, but you were still translucent. I knew you hadn't come back to life, but when I saw your figure... I had hoped...
A small tear fell down my cheek, and I diverted my gaze and quickly wiped it away, not wanting you to see me like this.
"Kurama..." a soft voice called my name and I turned back to where your form was. "Do you really mean that Kurama...?"
Sadly I nodded.
"Yes... gomen Hiei, but I mean it..."
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I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along...
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Your eyes widened the slightest bit, showing me that you were surprised, but that you somewhat expected it. You sighed and turned away, looking out the window at the full moon. The fact that you didn't say anything made me think that you wanted more of an explanation.
"Hiei... I never wanted it to be this way, but... every time... every time you're around... I have this feeling inside me that burns and it makes me suffer until you are no longer around." My eyes started to water again as I threw out my feelings at you. "I couldn't take the pain... the emotions, the guilt... I had never felt guilt as a youko. Everything to me was as it should have been. Those who died should have died. But not this time... This time, I should have died, but instead you saved me... and I can't handle the remorseful feeling that if I had done something, you would not have died."
Two crystalline tears fell down my cheek and I was too tired to wipe them away. I started when a ghostly hand tried to brush away my tears and trace the path that they made down my cheek, but in failure.
"How I wish I could still touch you..." you said, your deep voice filled with an unusual sound of sorrow.
"I'm sorry Hiei..." I whispered. "But I can't deal with you being here. It's too painful... please... just leave..." I turned my head away, lying back down on my bed, hoping that you would leave soon. The next time I opened my eyes you were gone and on the side of my pillow lay a small piece of paper. It read:
//Kurama,
I'm sorry I have caused you so much pain and I hope you know that I still love you no matter what. It was not your fault that I died. You know that I would do anything to save you, and giving my life is included in "anything." I hope you will feel closure after my spirit has moved on. I am going to the Reikai and asking Koenma to withdraw the rest of the time that I am to stay here...//
I sighed. He was leaving... for good now... and I would never get him back...
More silent tears slid down my cheeks as I wondered if I should not had made my decision so fast, but the last line of the letter told me that I had done what was best.
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When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have...
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//No matter what, I will always be with you... and you still have all of me... and my love.//
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...all of me...
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~-*-~~-*-~~-*-~~-*-~Owari~-*-~~-*-~~-*-~~-*-~
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